Friday, March 14, 2014

When side effects are worse than the diagnosis...

My poor baby has been dealing with the worst side effects.  He has been going though detox at this point.  We only gave him one dose of the ADHD medication on Wednesday morning.  Almost right away he started having hiccups...I didn't think anything of it until I wrote his teacher and asked how he was doing on the new medication.  She said he was doing fine but was complaining of a tummy ache and had the hiccups.  Weird.  He came home from school...wound up...well that isn't any better than the other medication.  And the hiccups are pretty much continuous.  As we got closer to bed time the more wound up he got...that isn't cool!  So we got out the Melatonin and he got a dose and went to lay down.  He didn't seem to be able to fall asleep so we turned on his music.  At 10pm I looked in on him and he was wide awake and sitting  in bed and listening to his music.  We sent him to the bathroom and took the music away.   He laid down and we all tried to get some sleep.  He tried desperately to get to sleep but after hours of tossing and turning Nathan went in to lay down with him.  He spent several hours with him in and out of sleep...beating the hell out of Nathan.  Alex had muscle spasms and seemed to sleep so restlessly that it seemed like nightmares.  Then Alex started complaining about his stomach again.  He told Nathan to leave his bedroom.  Nathan to came back to our room.  This was close to 3:30 in the morning.  Neither Nathan or I had gotten much sleep.  We were hoping that Alex sending Nathan back to our room meant that he was really ready to sleep.  He was not.  He slept but it was so restless that we went and got him and brought him into our room so we could keep an eye on him.  At 6:30 I gave up sleeping and we got up and started the day.  He was very agitated and hard to keep still.   I called the doctor's office and talked over the issues that we had been having after just one dose.  One crazy night!  The doctor had us hold the next dose.  The craziness continued into the dose free day.  He wasn't sick but very tired. He left for school at his regular time and I sent his teacher a note and told her everything that was going on.   Her response was that this was the first time all year that Alex had exhibited ADHD symptoms.  We had done such a great job of treating them and keeping his medication at a good level we had never had an issues at school this year...lost last year.  We made every effort to get his medication worked out over the summer so that this school year he wouldn't be struggling.  The hiccups continued until about midnight last night.  He's also seems to have come down with some kind of stomach bug too...poor kid.  I called the doctor back today and told the nurse I was not interested in giving him that medication that made him have side effects that were way worse that the disease he has.  We had the doctor go back to previous medication but the extended release variety.   Praying this is the answer for my boy.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

We just went past that line...

Alex has been having a few set backs with his ADHD.   He had a huge growth spurt in the last month and it really pushed him past the range of his last medication.   He has been acting out, testing boundaries, and generally pushing his luck.  He sometimes tries really hard...but over the last week I could tell that he wasn't even remotely trying at all.   Just a free for all.  I knew something was different.  Something had changes.   We had crossed a red line.  I didn't know exactly what it was, but I knew something had changed.  I called the doctor's office....they said "you have a med check in two weeks."   I said " No I need a med check this week"  His doctor is out of the country!  OMGOSH!!!   That will not do!  Then and there I made one of the most rash decisions I have ever made about my children's health care I have ever made....I switched him to another pediatrician he had only seen one other time because I need this med check to happen before the two weeks.  Thank God Nathan was behind me on this one and Alex really liked the new doctor.   We will miss the other doctor...but the new one was really thorough and took plenty of time to listen to all of our concerns.

The next big realization was he has just moved into a whole new class of medications...
One that required not my social security number but his...
And it is considered a controlled if he runs out before the end of the month...we are just outta luck...oh my gosh...we better measure right every time! It also carries some really strange possible side effects...aside from the usual ADHD medications causing slowed growth.  It can cause anxiety, suicidal thoughts, dry mouth, and irregular joint pain.  Don't all of those sound like fun.   I am really scared to give this to my seven year old son...but I am also really scared to send my seven year old out into the world unprepared to control his self.  He's a great kid and so sweet and loving.  I don't want to be the mom that denies that anything is wrong until he's too old to be able to develop any kind of self control.  I am hoping this medication is just allowing him to grow into that young man.  Right now...he really doesn't have that capability at all. I pray he will someday.  Until then I will be his advocate.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

feeling guilty....time lost and words never said

Yesterday I found out that my mom's youngest sister died.  She was only ten years older than me.  I haven't ever been close to her.  My mom was very close to her when she was alive and I am sad she is gone.  I am sad she and I didn't get to know each other better as we both grew up. I knew that I was too close to her age as a child and felt like she was more like a sister.  We had the same sibling rivalry that my kids have today.   I never got to know her because we never got past that.  
When we were both adults and she was around she treated me like I was still a child and it was insulting and it made me very mad.  I made it a point to stay away from her after that because I felt like I had spent a great deal of time growing up to be treating like a child again was very upsetting.  In the end it hurt me...and probably her too.  At one time she and my grandmother lived with my parents...I don't think it was for very long but just long enough to cement that sibling rivalry and I really wish that had never happened.  I have a pretty decent relationship with my other aunts and I never had that sibling relationship with any of maybe that they were always in a caretaker role.
I pray that my dear Aunt is happy now and I pray that she knows how much I do wish we could have been friends in our adulthood.  I loved her and miss her dearly.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014


I guess God is placing a plan in front of us...
I'm not sure how to proceed...honestly my heart hurts for a new baby.   My plan was to wait till something spoke to me,  I guess God is speaking to Nathan.  Am I on the silent treatment?   I have been desperately waiting for an answer, but maybe Nathan was the one that need prompting.  We (I) came to the conclusion this last week when it became painfully obvious that I was not pregnant and that we were done with that part of being parents.  My heart is breaking but I know God knows the plan and it's not the same plan I had.
Anyway we kind of were on pause this last month and waiting for a sign.   We got one and I moved forward with getting birth control and medication for my migraines.  That is one of the most important things right now.  
So I called and got the rx for my headache medication...that pretty much sealed the deal.   I have to be on the most reliable form of birth control for this medication.   The side effects are a little wacky but some of them are nice.   All this weight I have put on from trying to get pregnant will be easier to get off with the Topamax.  It curbs appetite. I should be able to loose some of this weight that way.  The second thing it does is it makes all carbonated beverages taste horrible...I mean awful...sad face...I love soda.   However I never could just keep it to a reasonable it probably a good thing.  Some of the weird and not so pleasant side effects....word soup (say one thing but mean something else or all the words come out of your mouth but in the wrong order)   I hate this one.  It makes me feel like a complete dumbass!   The last weird side effect I had was numbness in m fingers and toes...drove me crazy...always felt like my toes had the sock bunched under them.   That drives me crazy and makes me take off my shoes in more reason not to wear socks I am sure of!
Well I guess I should explain the title of this blog...youthville.
Youthville is a local (Wichita) foster home organization.   And Sunday while Catie was selling girl scout cookies I was supervising and Nathan was off doing his own thing...cause that's what dad's do during cookie time.   When we were getting ready to leave I assumed Nathan had wondered out to the car and sent Alex out to fetch him with the car so we didn't have to schlep all of the cookies back across the icy parking lot.   All of the sudden Nathan pops out from behind a wall with the youthville brochure. (if you want more information) I was a first surprised to see him still inside and sent him after our son.  Then it occurred to me that he picked this piece of paper up all on his own and not from me prompting him to in any way.  I have been very careful to keep my thoughts to myself about the future of our having children.   He did this all on his own...and when asked he said he was led to.   I again left it at that...we both have a lot to think about and I don't want to force my agenda.  If he feels called to follow this I will gladly follow with him.   I will not however force the issue...not with all we have going on right now.
  Nathan has been under a great deal of pressure at the club with a big shake up and change in management.  All of the changes will be taking place in the next month and I don't want or need to put any more pressure on him.   He is so awesome and supportive of all I do this is the least I can do.
Please feel free to throw a prayer up there for us...we are doing a lot of that on our own and I know we will be answering a lot of questions once I share this.   Please don't hesitate to ask...I am doing ok and not feeling quite as lost and alone as I was in the last two posts.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Still thinking...

Do you ever feel like you are living out of body?  Most everything seems to be going forward and your life has just paused.   I am waiting for the answers and hoping God will speak to me.  Life is a little tricky like that.   You feel a sense of longing and wonder at the reality that you might not get the answer that you want all the while knowing that you have very little control over what life is going to throw at you.
I know this all so here it is.  We are in a holding pattern waiting for God to tell us what is going to happen next in the fertility dance.  I get the feeling I have known all along what was meant to happen but at the same time I am so lost.  Over the past week I have cried and yelled and cried some more.  I know so many people that are blessed with lots and lots of children and they love them deeply.  I really do want more children and I know that I would be as in love with those children as I am with my Catie and Alex.   I keep trying to take this out of God's hands and deal with it myself.   Over the last six months we have had five failed rounds of fertility drugs, two failed rounds of inter-uterine insemination and two broken hearts.  We have kept this info away from our kids and families.  Very few people I have confided in have been very supportive.   I have from time to time prayed about all of this...but until last week I had not taken the leap to ask God into this discussion and asked for God's support in all of this.  Last week I said so many prayers and asked God to be with me and take this pain away from me.   The pain is still hear, but it is less...
We still haven't officially told our family or children but I think they know something is up.  I posted a blog last week making it very public and Catie and Alex have have some idea that we have been going through some medical testing and such.

Monday, January 20, 2014

I don't know why I'm sharing this now...we still have lots to think about.

Over the last six months we (Nathan and I) have been working on expanding our family.  It has been the hardest thing I have ever done.   It is just a continuation of six years off and on to have another baby.  I have not accepted the fact that I don't think it's going to happen.  We still are praying something is going to change but it is really feeling like my body has failed me over and over year after year.  I have taken almost a year off my medication for migraines and as usual my body is betraying me.  I am at the mercy of rescue medications. Instead of treating the disorder I am treating the symptoms of the disorder.
As we move forward in the next step...I have decided to take a break from fertility treatments to get some perspective.   My body is maybe not meant to do this again.  I am asking God to join me in this process.  I am not alone...but I have felt so alone in this process.  I have only told two family members that I was in this process and a few close friends.  It has been the longest saddest journey of my life.  I have had Nathan right by my side the whole way but it feels like we have been stressing ourselves for little to no reason.  I should have invited God into this struggle so much sooner.  It might have made journey easier...maybe not, but I wouldn't have been alone so much of the time.  I notice that I have been pushing God away the last few was really painful for me and I am done.
We are praying this month for answers...
As we move forward we will make live altering continue with the torture of fertility treatments, to end treatments, to seek adoption, to try the foster care many choices.  It may take more than one month to figure this out.  We will keep God in this equation this time.
Life will go on...but part of me is falling apart so please try not to judge me too harshly.    I am going through a lot please a little grace and you never know the circumstances of someone's trials.   Offer that grace to anyone who looks like they need never know what that may mean to them.
I have two amazing kids and I am very sad that so much of my time had been focused on these fertility treatments.  I feel like I have not been putting my all into my kids and a break will do us all some good.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Did you know??? I didn't...but now that I do I think you should know too.

The morning after pill is know to cause cancer... 

I was alarmed by this information...I knew that there was an increased risk but the World Health Organization places this drug in the same class as

I am also alarmed that this information is left in brochures for people to read in their free time...or not at all...

As someone at risk for developing any type of cancer I think it's important to know these kind of things.  It worries me that children (young ladies) are able to seek this medication without parental  consent.  I have read on other websites that the manufactures are denying these claims.  If you do a google search you will find that you can obtain the morning after pill for as little as 9.99 on ebay and as much as 49.99 on Walmart.  

This is a direct link to Plan B information page and there is no information about possible complications for taking the real need for a lady of any age needing a doctor's consent|dc_pcrid_|29707554555&WT.mc_t=OTC%7CMorning+After+Pill+Info&WT.mc_n=google|morning%20after%20pill&WT.mc_r=365&buf=999&WT.srch=1&gclid=CLXv3b7k2rsCFWJo7AodtxgAgg

Are you as alarmed as I am???