single mom from time to time

I have the best husband in the whole world!   I must be having a hormonal day or something!   Because today I feel like sometimes I feel like a single mother.   I called Nathan to see if he could take a morning off of work so we could take our son to an event called Day of the Dozer.   It's billed as a day of fun in the dirt and earth moving...I'm sure I will have tons of fun.   When I called I found that he would be again working...no real big surprise...but now I have to go do this dirt thing by myself with Alex.
I have to say this has happened so many times I can't even count...but I am very lucky...mist chef's wife's don't get as lucky as I am because Nathan has made every effort to be available when I need him...most chefs are not that way.   I am a very lucky girl.    I just tend to spend most evenings and all weekends with my kids instead of my husband.

adopt an older child?

So as our agent was walking out when she was finishing up our homestudy she told us about a 7 almost 8 year old boy who needs a home now.  His foster family was going to adopt him but has decided not to, because they are moving and cannot complete the work before the move?  
So she just mentioned it...
She was just mentioning it to all her families.  He is older than we are looking for and it concerns me that his family that was going to adopt him all of the sudden doesn't doesn't want to adopt him.   BUT at the same time this a little boy who needs a home now...
I have talked to both of the kids...Alex and Catie are both ok with the idea of having an older child live with us as long as we can be foster parents to a younger child later on.

Facebook? to remain active or to deactivate?

Not sure if I am going to keep my Facebook account much longer.  We are so close to getting the license and I seem to be running into trouble almost daily on Facebook.   I also won't be able to post pictures of all my children.  I am concerned that I might make the mistake of posting a picture of our "other" child and get into trouble.     That could get us into some serious trouble too.
I seem to offend people with my comments...and today it was a political cartoon.   I just can't seem to win and it just doesn't seem worth it.
I'm going to give it a few more days and talk to Nathan and see what he thinks.     I may just leave the account active so I can see what people are doing and just not post anything else from now on....

School starts in 3 weeks~ yeah~ I think???

I am ready to get back into the swing of things!   My kids are getting squirrelly and I am getting worn down...summer is almost over and I am feeling done.  At the VERY same time I am feeling really guilty for wishing away my last summer with my boy.   He is 5 and going to Kindergartner this year.  I will be all alone until we have a new child.  It will be just me and I am sorry that I am having these feelings. 
Mom guilt is one of those guilt's that soaks into your soul and drains the life right out of you....
You feel like you aren't being the best mommy you can be and you start comparing yourself to other mommies...then BAMMMM!  Someone else is doing the job better than you could be. 
The truth is ...my kids love me...they love being home.   They love the things we do.   We have had a AWESOME summer.   They are getting tired of being home too...we running out of things to keep us entertained.   It's bound to happen when we have had this many HOT days in one summer.  I think we have done very well.
I am going to muster on and we are going to prepare for school...Alex is practicing his name and Catie is reading Anne of Green Gables.  It's been an Awesome Summer~
See you on the flip side!

Today is the day! #2

Today is the last of many , many steps in the process of becoming foster parents.   We are having the compliance study.   We are so ready.  BUT...my house may not be...this is the step where she comes and examines our house.   Our agent is going to make sure our house is fit for a child of any age for 0-18.  I am moderately worried that we are not ready for all that.  We will have to wait and see what she says, but until then I am moderately worried and a little stressed.
Nathan as usual is cool as a cucumber and not worried about a thing.  He just doesn't seem to have a concern about anything at all.   He figures it will happen when it happens.   We also had the conversation about what we want and don't want in a child from foster care.   It wasn't a total shock.  We have been talking though the process and it's been a learning process for both of us.

Moving forward-compliance study

• So our agent is back from vacation and she called.  Nathan's background check was reviewed by her supervisor and approved.  We scheduled our compliance study for next Tuesday.   Now that things are moving forward I am a little worried that Nathan and I need to talk more...a lot more.  We have some conversations we need to have about what will be and won't be OK when we are licensed.  I am the primary contact and the first person the agency will contact when they have a child they need to have a home for.  I need to know Nathan's desires because If I let a child into our house he's not going to be ok I know it's going to be the red dog all over again....I am scared!   I do not want him to resent me over any child.   So I am worried....I need to talk to my husband.   

vacations...everyone is entitled...right?

So Nathan sensing my distress...finally!  Stopped by the agency and found out our agent is on vacation still...
She's entitled to a vacation right?  I guess the biggest issue for me isn't that she is on vacation...it's that she hasn't called to give us any information since June 4th.    I am still feeling some distress!

Silly musings

This blog has been something of a bit of therapy and a bit of fun...I write to get out the words I can't say out loud.   Much less the words I can't say publicly...sometimes...I should hold my tongue more often.  I hit 7 thousand readers today...how funny.   This little old blog was started as a private diary or journal of sorts when I was at a really low time in my journey of self exploration.   Now I am writing about all kinds of things that affect my daily life...my trial as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a citizen of this nation and this planet...all the things that bug me and make me happy.  It's turned out to be very therapeutic and sometimes the best part of my day.

in laws and foster care and adoption

My husband's parents told him last night that they heard on BBC that there were countries in the European Union that had set up locations for children to just be dropped off for adoption because families were struggling so hard over there.
1. Does this change they way we are heading in our adoption/foster care process? no
2. Does this make me wonder if they support our decisions in our process? yes
3. Does this make me wonder if they understand our process? yes

I did some more research...indeed there are some places in Europe you can just drop off a baby...in Russia.  You have been able to do that for several years it was set up so people were not dropping there babies into garbage dumps and such.   I reminded my husband that in Kansas and Missouri they made laws several years before we moved for mothers to drop off newborns at fire stations, police stations and hospitals without risk of punishment.   It's to protect the child's life.

What my in laws are referring  to is different and similar at the same time...and so very sad.  The county of Greece has experience such a horrible meltdown that many families are finding the simple truth is they can't afford to feed all of the mouths in the house.   They have started asking the government to take the children into their version of foster care and keep them until the family can be put back together.   So yes families are being split up...but in the temporary sense...at least that is the hope.   Many of the families hope to rejoin after the crisis has been finished and everything is restored...but no one knows how long that will take.   The saddest part of all of this is this culture very deeply prides itself on family heritage.  
I pray that our country can avoid this kind of meltdown. 

Lastly I am concerned that my in laws and brother in law are going to be very brokenhearted when we actually bring home one of these broken children...I think the idea of a foster child is scary to them.   I think they are truly worried I don't know what to tell them or how to ease their mind.   We still have a long way to go!

forgiveness

Over the past few mornings I have woke up to the memory of some strange silly thing I did in my youth...some funny, some sad, all things I need to ask God for forgiveness for, and wondered why now? 
I think that as we age we start examine the life we have lead and feel remorse for the wrongs we have caused.   I just never imaged this examination would interrupter my sleep.  And it surely has been over the last few days...I have woken up before 6 am on all of the days to sit and relive the moments and then to talk them over with God.
They just aren't the kind of moment I pictured would be troubling me...I mean the ones that would be waking me from my sleep.  They were small things.  The last one was telling my grandmother a lie...and it's the only one I can remember.  That's how insignificant they are...I can't even remember what what was keeping me awake the first two times. 
Maybe it's that God is trying to teach me in these moments....dang it if I know what the lesson is suppose to be...I need to be more awake God to pay attention to a lesson.   Or maybe it's just the act of forgiveness in it's self.  I think I am pretty good at forgiving....but maybe there is something big God is preparing me for....
Oh no...I hope not
I don't know if I am ready yet

three kids in one house...

I am not sure I am ready for this...my parents brought my niece to visit this weekend...it's been one fight after another.   Mostly between my kids wanting to play with their cousin...but I don't know how this going to be any different with another child. My daughter is so head strong...this is going to be interesting.   We will see how this goes.

Foster care stalemate

My last three weeks I have been waiting for answers...I have not heard from the agency.  I have not heard from my agent.   I finally worked up the nerve on Friday to call and find out what was going on and found out that our agent is out of town or ill or something until the 15th of July.  I am loosing my mind. I feel like I am being tested to see what kind of patience I'm going to have with the agency when it comes time to deal with them for real.   This situation is so frustrating...but I will continue to wait and try to be patient.
My kids are doing a good job of planning how things will be when we have our other child...they are so certain that it's going to be a baby or it's going to a little girl...they each take turns making plans for what is going to happen...all we know for certain is that Alex is going to be a big brother.

scary realization

I came to a scary realization today...scary enough it if caused me to have a migraine.   We haven't heard back from the agency about the background check and it's a wait that is killing me.  Every day that we wait make me wonder are we going to get out license?  As I am voicing this concern to Nathan today, I ask him do we consider going back to the adoption plan if foster care doesn't work out?  He then reminded me that in the state of IL all adoptive parents are licensed foster parents first...so we have to get our license or we are not going to be to be parents to any more children than Alex and Catie.
I wonder is God preparing me for the idea that I am not going to have anymore kids...it's alarming!  I want a bigger family and I really want to be the hands and feet of God that reach out and help children in need.   These children in foster care desperately need help...my heart hurts for them.
So then my thoughts turned to the money that Catie just raised in the garage sale...what do we do with that if we don't have foster children?   I am going to leave it up to Catie, but I am going to encourage Catie to donate all of it, either in money or buying & donating something to a local agency.

WAITING!!! still

What the Hell??
I haven't heard anything in weeks...I keep waiting...and waiting ...and waiting.  My patience is really being tested quiet honestly.  Every single day I wake up and want to call out agency and check and see what is going on.  I don't know what to do!  I know we are waiting on one key piece of paperwork...an important piece of paperwork.  Nathan's background check is still on hold...we don't know why there is a hold on it. We won't know for sure until it comes in...why won't it come in????
So we wait!  Or I guess it's more fair to say I wait!   My husband doesn't seem to mind the wait...he just seems to go on with his life as if the wait doesn't bother him. My kids remind me daily that we are waiting...and it's driving me crazy.  We did all this work...and now we can't do anything...we are stuck in a holding pattern.  Just waiting...I am going to go crazy.

you don't want to eat meat?

My daughter has been flirting with vegetarian for the last year for over two years.  We have tried everything we could think of when it came to get her to eat meat.  She has made the choice over and over to choose to not to eat meat at school everyday.  She eats something called sunbutter (made from sunflower seeds)  everyday.   I offered to make her lunch and she has opted not to take a lunch.  
She will eat lunch meat at home.   sometimes....
If I say I am going to McDonald's she breaks down in tears though.   I have to wait until she is on a play date or at school to go out to lunch because of her allergies and food dislikes to eat out. 
This is getting ridiculous. 
I am just saying...it's really hard to have a child that is choosing to eat differently!   IT would be different if she had a medical reason but this is just a dislike....

retraction/ separation of class

I did something I rarely do...in fact, it has only happened one other time!  I retracted my post from earlier today.  I was in a bad mood and put out a post that was not appropriate for my blog.  Yes I said my blog would sometimes be messy and yes I said I might not always say things so nice, but I also need to keep my husband out of it.

With that said....I still think that there is a class system alive and well in our country and it's hard to overcome.   I pray my kids don't have to experience it too often as we frequent these locations that place them in them in positions that make them targets for scrutiny.

sepration of classes is still in effect here in America

Yesterday we went to my daughter's swim meet...it was a HOT day and we had to be there extra early for team picture and we decided to we would stake out a table...something we never do...we let the club set have them usually.   It was so hot though and the umbrella was a nice change.    As we sat there the other tables filled in and the one next to us had been saved with a bag by some girls as they came in for their family.   A few minutes later another family came in and found that all the other tables with umbrellas had been taken and saw the unmanned table and moved in...I watched in surprise and shock as mom...deftly moved the bag to a chair and spread all their towels and things out.   It was a thing to behold.  A few minutes later the young girls came back and found their things moved aside and were quickly apologized to, but what were they going to do...make them all move now?  I never saw anything like it in my life...
As we watched the meet many people greet my husband warmly (not because of the weather) they do love his food!   The family next to us kept making comments about isn't that the chef's? is that his wife?  does he have kids in the meet?  Then finally the father gets up and comes over and in the most condescending tone I have heard I think ever he tells my husband "it sure is nice to see you out enjoying the benefits of the club"   I have never felt so small as I did in that minute...sure we are staff family but my husband busts his ass 5-7 days a week at that club so assholes like him can eat at their whim and be assholes like that....
Sorry for my attitude...I really was mad and really mad that my kids were sitting at the table to hear that exchange....maybe it was just me...maybe my husband didn't hear it the same way...I don't think he heard all of the questions leading up to the final confrontation...but I certainly feel the seperation between the classes here in Bloomington sometimes...

Then there are other days that it just doesn't exist....my kids both have some good friends at the club and they really enjoy being there...but who doesn't?