two

who am i and why am i here?
This world is full of truly smart wonderful people who know what they want from life and how they are going to get it.  I don't know how I fit into that.  I am a mom and a wife and do some child care on the side.  Not too much to get excited about.  I always intended to do something important with my life.
When I was in the eighth grade I wanted to be a lawyer.
That dream is gone.  My mom got sick that year.  Things changed.  She had been sick off and on for what seemed like forever.  She went to the doctor a lot.   She had ear infections, tooth aches and head aches.  She was angry a lot.  She yelled a lot and I felt like it was my fault.
When the doctors finally told her what was wrong...it was too late.  She was too sick to get better.  The doctors tried...they made her sicker faster.
I was young and scared...what if I did something wrong.  What if the times I had argued with her had made her sick...hmmmmmm.
I know now that isn't possible.  She had cancer.  I knew it then, but still we always seemed to fight.   
That last few months were short...too short.  I didn't get to say the things I needed to say.  I didn't get to grow up with a mommy.
WHY????
WHY ME......
am I going to repeat this cycle?