Still thinking...

Do you ever feel like you are living out of body?  Most everything seems to be going forward and your life has just paused.   I am waiting for the answers and hoping God will speak to me.  Life is a little tricky like that.   You feel a sense of longing and wonder at the reality that you might not get the answer that you want all the while knowing that you have very little control over what life is going to throw at you.
I know this all so vague...so here it is.  We are in a holding pattern waiting for God to tell us what is going to happen next in the fertility dance.  I get the feeling I have known all along what was meant to happen but at the same time I am so lost.  Over the past week I have cried and yelled and cried some more.  I know so many people that are blessed with lots and lots of children and they love them deeply.  I really do want more children and I know that I would be as in love with those children as I am with my Catie and Alex.   I keep trying to take this out of God's hands and deal with it myself.   Over the last six months we have had five failed rounds of fertility drugs, two failed rounds of inter-uterine insemination and two broken hearts.  We have kept this info away from our kids and families.  Very few people I have confided in have been very supportive.   I have from time to time prayed about all of this...but until last week I had not taken the leap to ask God into this discussion and asked for God's support in all of this.  Last week I said so many prayers and asked God to be with me and take this pain away from me.   The pain is still hear, but it is less...
We still haven't officially told our family or children but I think they know something is up.  I posted a blog last week making it very public and Catie and Alex have have some idea that we have been going through some medical testing and such.

I don't know why I'm sharing this now...we still have lots to think about.

Over the last six months we (Nathan and I) have been working on expanding our family.  It has been the hardest thing I have ever done.   It is just a continuation of six years off and on to have another baby.  I have not accepted the fact that I don't think it's going to happen.  We still are praying something is going to change but it is really feeling like my body has failed me over and over year after year.  I have taken almost a year off my medication for migraines and as usual my body is betraying me.  I am at the mercy of rescue medications. Instead of treating the disorder I am treating the symptoms of the disorder.
As we move forward in the next step...I have decided to take a break from fertility treatments to get some perspective.   My body is maybe not meant to do this again.  I am asking God to join me in this process.  I am not alone...but I have felt so alone in this process.  I have only told two family members that I was in this process and a few close friends.  It has been the longest saddest journey of my life.  I have had Nathan right by my side the whole way but it feels like we have been stressing ourselves for little to no reason.  I should have invited God into this struggle so much sooner.  It might have made journey easier...maybe not, but I wouldn't have been alone so much of the time.  I notice that I have been pushing God away the last few months...it was really painful for me and I am done.
We are praying this month for answers...
As we move forward we will make live altering decisions...to continue with the torture of fertility treatments, to end treatments, to seek adoption, to try the foster care route....so many choices.  It may take more than one month to figure this out.  We will keep God in this equation this time.
Life will go on...but part of me is falling apart so please try not to judge me too harshly.    I am going through a lot please a little grace and you never know the circumstances of someone's trials.   Offer that grace to anyone who looks like they need it...you never know what that may mean to them.
I have two amazing kids and I am very sad that so much of my time had been focused on these fertility treatments.  I feel like I have not been putting my all into my kids and a break will do us all some good.