Still thinking...

Do you ever feel like you are living out of body?  Most everything seems to be going forward and your life has just paused.   I am waiting for the answers and hoping God will speak to me.  Life is a little tricky like that.   You feel a sense of longing and wonder at the reality that you might not get the answer that you want all the while knowing that you have very little control over what life is going to throw at you.
I know this all so vague...so here it is.  We are in a holding pattern waiting for God to tell us what is going to happen next in the fertility dance.  I get the feeling I have known all along what was meant to happen but at the same time I am so lost.  Over the past week I have cried and yelled and cried some more.  I know so many people that are blessed with lots and lots of children and they love them deeply.  I really do want more children and I know that I would be as in love with those children as I am with my Catie and Alex.   I keep trying to take this out of God's hands and deal with it myself.   Over the last six months we have had five failed rounds of fertility drugs, two failed rounds of inter-uterine insemination and two broken hearts.  We have kept this info away from our kids and families.  Very few people I have confided in have been very supportive.   I have from time to time prayed about all of this...but until last week I had not taken the leap to ask God into this discussion and asked for God's support in all of this.  Last week I said so many prayers and asked God to be with me and take this pain away from me.   The pain is still hear, but it is less...
We still haven't officially told our family or children but I think they know something is up.  I posted a blog last week making it very public and Catie and Alex have have some idea that we have been going through some medical testing and such.