feeling guilty....time lost and words never said

Yesterday I found out that my mom's youngest sister died.  She was only ten years older than me.  I haven't ever been close to her.  My mom was very close to her when she was alive and I am sad she is gone.  I am sad she and I didn't get to know each other better as we both grew up. I knew that I was too close to her age as a child and felt like she was more like a sister.  We had the same sibling rivalry that my kids have today.   I never got to know her because we never got past that.  
When we were both adults and she was around she treated me like I was still a child and it was insulting and it made me very mad.  I made it a point to stay away from her after that because I felt like I had spent a great deal of time growing up to be treating like a child again was very upsetting.  In the end it hurt me...and probably her too.  At one time she and my grandmother lived with my parents...I don't think it was for very long but just long enough to cement that sibling rivalry and I really wish that had never happened.  I have a pretty decent relationship with my other aunts and I never had that sibling relationship with any of them...it maybe that they were always in a caretaker role.
I pray that my dear Aunt is happy now and I pray that she knows how much I do wish we could have been friends in our adulthood.  I loved her and miss her dearly.

youthville

I guess God is placing a plan in front of us...
I'm not sure how to proceed...honestly my heart hurts for a new baby.   My plan was to wait till something spoke to me,  I guess God is speaking to Nathan.  Am I on the silent treatment?   I have been desperately waiting for an answer, but maybe Nathan was the one that need prompting.  We (I) came to the conclusion this last week when it became painfully obvious that I was not pregnant and that we were done with that part of being parents.  My heart is breaking but I know God knows the plan and it's not the same plan I had.
Anyway we kind of were on pause this last month and waiting for a sign.   We got one and I moved forward with getting birth control and medication for my migraines.  That is one of the most important things right now.  

So I called and got the rx for my headache medication...that pretty much sealed the deal.   I have to be on the most reliable form of birth control for this medication.   The side effects are a little wacky but some of them are nice.   All this weight I have put on from trying to get pregnant will be easier to get off with the Topamax.  It curbs appetite. I should be able to loose some of this weight that way.  The second thing it does is it makes all carbonated beverages taste horrible...I mean awful...sad face...I love soda.   However I never could just keep it to a reasonable serving...so it probably a good thing.  Some of the weird and not so pleasant side effects....word soup (say one thing but mean something else or all the words come out of your mouth but in the wrong order)   I hate this one.  It makes me feel like a complete dumbass!   The last weird side effect I had was numbness in m fingers and toes...drove me crazy...always felt like my toes had the sock bunched under them.   That drives me crazy and makes me take off my shoes in public...one more reason not to wear socks I am sure of!
Well I guess I should explain the title of this blog...youthville.
Youthville is a local (Wichita) foster home organization.   And Sunday while Catie was selling girl scout cookies I was supervising and Nathan was off doing his own thing...cause that's what dad's do during cookie time.   When we were getting ready to leave I assumed Nathan had wondered out to the car and sent Alex out to fetch him with the car so we didn't have to schlep all of the cookies back across the icy parking lot.   All of the sudden Nathan pops out from behind a wall with the youthville brochure. (if you want more information) I was a first surprised to see him still inside and sent him after our son.  Then it occurred to me that he picked this piece of paper up all on his own and not from me prompting him to in any way.  I have been very careful to keep my thoughts to myself about the future of our having children.   He did this all on his own...and when asked he said he was led to.   I again left it at that...we both have a lot to think about and I don't want to force my agenda.  If he feels called to follow this I will gladly follow with him.   I will not however force the issue...not with all we have going on right now.
  Nathan has been under a great deal of pressure at the club with a big shake up and change in management.  All of the changes will be taking place in the next month and I don't want or need to put any more pressure on him.   He is so awesome and supportive of all I do this is the least I can do.
Please feel free to throw a prayer up there for us...we are doing a lot of that on our own and I know we will be answering a lot of questions once I share this.   Please don't hesitate to ask...I am doing ok and not feeling quite as lost and alone as I was in the last two posts.