Caution: this post is not for the faint of heart

Now that I am public there are times I wish I wasn't!   I want to gripe and bitch and scream!   I am a mom and a wife and a daughter and I am dang tired sometimes of bring all three....usually not at the same time.  It isn't even related to being those things....I am just tired.  So tired.  I feel betrayed, by my body mostly, sometimes by my mind.     I am so pissed that between the insurance company, doctor's office and the pharmacy I still don't have a prescription for the medication I need.   
Life feels so good right now...but these stupid headaches are jacking me up...i want to cry.  I am in pain 30% of every day.  Some days it's more like 80%.  IT is so hard to enjoy the great things going on in my life with that much pain.....
WE have some many wonderful things to be thankful for...and I am very thankful for them.
How do people live for years and years with chronic pain?????   I don't know how to do this??????


On a brighter note my son has taken a sudden interest in drawing.....LOVE IT!
and he's leaving all the pages in the notebook instead of ripping them out and spreading them all over the house....

these darn headaches

I've had migraine headaches since I was five years old.  They come and go.  They frequent my life during times of change and crisis and extreme weather.   I've seen a neurologist before...after having a 7 day migraine that put me in the hospital and almost subjected me to a spinal tap.  I was not excited about this last visit I have to admit.  I have been living with a guy for over 14 year who only kinda understands what I'm  going though...I am kinda resentful that he doesn't fully understand...and I think he is kinda resentful that I keep getting "sick"  with this illness that he can't see. 
It's so hard to describe to someone who has never had a headache of this severity how BAD it really is...that I hate to use the word headache...I hate to say my head hurts for fear he's going to make that face I know he's going to make. 
Even worst...it's happening so often these days half the time I don't say anything I just deal with it, because I don't feel like he really understand what it's really like...the words he says tell me that he doesn't understand...or at least he doesn't know how to communicate what he understands.  I am getting tired...tired of the pain...tired of the doctors...tired of the tears...tired of feeling checked out.
 
I want my life back and I want it back now...I don't understand what triggered this lapse in my migraines....I went for many years without having weekly migraines...they are becoming daily.  

I just want some relief....I am praying that the new medications that the doctor has prescribed will be helpful and not make me feel vacant... I am also praying that my insurance will pay for them...my insurance sucks...I am thankful for insurance though...because without it we would not have been able to afford the tests and doctor appointment last week...so there are some blessings.  

foods and migraines

I have noticed a pattern lately that when I have a headache it is usually after I have eaten.    So I mentioned this at a meeting I was at and someone mentioned it might be a gluten allergy.  This is the second time I have heard this in the last few weeks and as much as I don't want to hear it,  it is something I have to consider.  So I decided I better start keeping track of what I'm eating and what happens when I eat it.  Well....I can't keep track of what I'm eating....I don't know why...but I have been able to write down what I have been eating right before I get a headache for several days.   So I did sit down today and look up links between food and migraines,    the closest thing I can figure right now is aged cheese...so I am going to cut out processed cheese for a few days and see how I feel.

all ok, but

Got my results when I went in to the doctor's today for another migraine.  Everything is ok...my scans are clear.  So why don't I feel ok?  Why does my head still hurt.  Why are my headaches getting worst...not better?
damn it!!!!  I just want to feel better...life is so much easier on everyone when I don't have a headache!

Nathan my wonderful, loving supportive husband took the rest of today off to take care of the kids and me...I know he didn't sleep worth a darn last night because of my headache...he ended up on the couch because he was snoring too loud...I feel like an awful wife.

This needs to get figured out soon...I cannot keep going on like this...I like having my husband in bed with me.

scared

I have to admit that I am a little scared.  I have MRI scheduled for 5:30 in the morning and it's got me a little freaked out.  I have been putting this off for a very long time it seems.  I guess I had a CAT scan sometime in the last few years.  So I shouldn't have anything really to worry about.  This must just be that mortality thing creeping again.   I don't think I'm afraid of dying...I'm not running out to do it by any means.  I know that God is going to be with me though and on the other side.  I am scared of what will happen to my children.  I want them to have the advantage of having mom around for their graduation, marriage, eventual children....I'm looking forward to those things.    This is not how I pictured this year going....something has to give and it's going to have to happen soon. 

Maybe I will quit talking about  acupuncture and go do something about it.

how did I get this Job?

In life you don't get a job recommendation list...I wish you did.  When I was young I wanted to be a singer...then when I was leaving junior high I wanted to be a lawyer.  As I went though high school I waffled around about the path I wanted to take.  Most days it was art or music.  Some days it was accounting...silly me...you have to like sitting at a desk.  When I went on to college...I never declared a major...never made up my mind.  That should have been an indicator that I was missing something.  I took whatever class suited me...lots of art.  Tons of history.  Some math, English, and I took one accounting class.   I was never certain where my life was headed.  Then on Oct 21 1996 I was driving home from school during a freak snow storm.  I got all the way to the driveway of the house when a lady not paying attention didn't break and rear ended me traveling 35 mph...which doesn't seem very fast.  However when your car is standing still it's very fast.  it crumpled the rear end of my car...and did major damage to my back and neck.  I spent weeks in physical therapy so I could lift my head again.  I spent months going to the chiropractor and to this day my neck still is not right. 
After that accident I left college and started working full time at a factory making lottery tickets...don't laugh. At the time it was good money.  It was a night job and that suit me just fine too.  I met my very best friend on the whole planet there and to this day she is my soul mate.  She married my brother a few years after we met.  I love her to pieces.  In those late nights I began to play around on the computer and one night after work I got on AOL to check my Stars.  Astrology is a funny thing.  I think it is what you make of it and many times very self fulfilling.  Anyway.  At the time AOL had this service called profiles...very similar to Facebook.  Well I was on and Nathan was searching for someone to talk to and he found my profile and he contacted me with the worst pick up line on the planet..."Let me introduce myself as the man of your dreams"  I have to say it got a chuckle and a whatever.  To his credit he came right back with an apology and we talked for 4 hours that night.  Two weeks later we went out on our first date.  To make things even crazier...it was my brother's graduation party and I HAD to go.  So being the good sport that he is.  Nathan tagged along and met my WHOLE crazy family.   We did everything together from that moment on, and in a few short months I knew that I wanted to spent the rest of my life with him and have lots of babies with him...even though I have never...ever concidered having children before that moment.  I didn't think I ever would infact because of my mom's diagnosis...because when she died I was told to have my whole family complete by 25....I didn't even think that was possible.   But here we are almost 15 years later...2 biological children and planning on adding at least one adopted child to our family.    So that's how I got this crazy job!

Maybe someday I will have one of those fancy outside of the home jobs, but for now.  This is what my family needs and we are very happy!

botox...

Just saw a ad for Botox as a treatment for migraines...crazy!  It's even crazier that I am in enough pain regularly that I am considering talking to my doctor about it...Just might be the craziest thing I have considered this week.