Whirlwind life changing week

I can't even begin to explain how different my life is from one week ago.  I was on the phone exactly one week ago with my licencing agent talking about how it was going to be another two and half more weeks before our licence was here.  Nathan and I were in the middle of a huge fundraiser and really working hard to raise more money for a cause that we really believe in.  I was coming really close to my goal and feeling pretty good.   I was going to shave my head for this cause and give all my hair to some child that didn't have any.  I felt scared and excited all at the same time.
The next 24 hours rocked my world...my daughter got the flu...yuck...I hate when that happens.  I didn't feel well.  I needed to go pick up my prescriptions.  I had to have that prescription right now...not later.  We drove across town and got my headache medicine...
"Catie did you get the mail after school?"  I asked as we drove back...She shook her head..."Oh yeah you were sick...OK everyone to bed...I'll get the mail"
As we all piled out of the car I got the mail and began the dig though the bills and junk...I stopped half way up the drive..."Nathan do you know what this is"
"Uh no...your holding it..." He replied sarcastically...I skipped up the driveway to show him our brand new State of Illinois issued Foster Care license.
We both stood in the garage for several minutes in disbelieve...could it really be???  She just told us it was going to be several more weeks and that had always translated into months before.   Here it was in our hands a solid piece of paper!   It's real!    So we had to have some time and some real conversations.  So we still haven't made a public announcement...it's weird...we have worked so hard on this and now it feels kind of like I want to keep it to myself for a while...so we did...we didn't even call the agency till Monday.
Then comes the really FUN part...we walked in the house...the answering machine light is blinking...yes we still have one of those...I hate voice mail...and refuse to switch over.
Nathan hit play as we sent the kids to bed for the second time...they are all wound up by this point...they know that we could get a child any day now.
The message is from a TV station they got one of the press releases that I sent out a month ago and want to put me on the news because I am shaving my head....Are you kidding me????
I am blown away...I have worked so hard to raise this money and just want to make sure that it gets as much attention as it can for the right reason.   I don't want to do this broadcast to promote myself in anyway.   I am only shaving my head to draw attention to the women to who loose their hair and live with the hair loss.   I want to stand proud with them.  I am their sister.   I call the reporter...we talk and I agree to do the broadcast and it went really well.   I raised a lot of money for a foundation that needed it and I got to give my hair to a child that needed it.   I pray that I will have the courage to do this again...honestly it has been kind of fun!   I wish they would do this during summer though...this is kind of cold....but really it's not so bad!  My kids love my bald head...they come up and rub my head and say it's soft like a puppy....my son rubs his cheeks on it.   I love my kids they are so kind...they tell me everyday how beautiful I am and it makes me happy and I know I am loved...My husband does too...but the kids say it with unconditional love.

Life is really good right now and I am Blessed beyond measure! 



Update:   It's a little over a week later and my hair is starting to grow back in...it's funny how quick it grows.  It's weird people I don't know very well but have a faint knowledge of keep coming up to me and talking to me.   I also have gotten the stares from children and adults alike.  No one has asked me about my hair yet.  That kind of bums me out...I want to tell my story.

Feeling pretty good~

I went into the closet this morning and grabbed a pair of jeans and a shirt and put them on and they fit...no jumping... no squeezing...no deep breathing...they just fit
In fact the shirt is a little big.  I never have had the shirt be a little big... this shirt has always been too small.   I am liking the new me...I want to keep up the new me.  I like seeing the new changes.   It feels so good to see actual results and not feel like the weight is coming off and I am the only one that knows...it is visible now.   Everyone can see now.  Of course to someone that has never met me before I am still horrible overweight and have miles to go...but I have come very far.   At least for me...
I know some of you are thinking thirty-one pounds doesn't seem like much...but to put this into perspective, I have a biological disorder called  Polycystic ovary syndrome. --(when I was diagnosis in 2001 the insurance companies didn't even know how to classify this...they tried to put it under cystic fibrosis, completely different)--    I have battle my weight since puberty and had not much luck at it.   This same disorder has taken my ability to have children and causes me to grow hair on my chin...not very attractive in either case.  It really makes me feel like less of a woman in most cases...
My husband does a great job of overlooking the hair...every once in awhile he will say something...but he is very polite...ish.   The ability to have children there is nothing I can do about it...the weight gain...is probably the biggest problem...most women who are unable to get pregnant with PCOS it's because they are too heavy.   In order to have both Catie and Alex I had to loose large sums of weight...since I was younger the weight came off easily and it was no trouble for me to loose 45-50 pounds in 4-5 months...this time...I am older and my body just wouldn't co-operate.   When the doctor recommended we see a specialist Nathan and I decided we were not going to go that route this time...we had already did that with both of our other two...and have two beautiful children and thought that maybe God was giving us a sign that this time we were suppose to do something different.
Things get very different the summer I started having migraines...I don't know what happened...I don't know if my weight it a level that my body couldn't hold...or if it was stress.   All of the sudden I was having migraines that were life altering...and I didn't know what to do.  We worked with our family doctor to correct the problem.  That didn't help.  I prayed for relief.   That didn't seem to help either.   I started to believe that my life was going to be forever changed by this headaches.   Then I was sent to a doctor that actually helped me.  
He put me on some medications that changed my life...one has actually helped with my weight loss...it decreases my appetite and also decreases the  intensity of my headaches and frequency.   This made my life so much easier to live...I still had break though headaches...but now they were getting under control and I was starting slowly to loss some weight.   This didn't happen fast....it was over a long period of time over maybe 9 months...and the whole time this is going on I was battling the insurance company to get 2 medications that the doctor prescribed for those break though headaches...one was easily fixed.
I called one day when I was in a particularly good mood and was very nice and pushed though till I got a nurse in the pharmacy department that actually suffered from migraines herself...she was very helpful and got one of the prescription pushed though right then.    The other one took lots of negotiation and pushing and calling and more calling and more calling...the moral is never quit calling...if you really need something!~   It took 9 Months.

Today I am doing much better I go month to month and wonder why the insurance company fought so hard against the doctors orders...I feel so much better today then I did 4 months ago...I feel life a different person then I was 6 months ago....and I was a shell of a person a year ago...I don't know how I was existing...life was hell some days...and my family was paying the price for it.   It's so much better now.  I have the doctors to thank for that they have been wonderful and PATIENT...they put up with my insurance company and me.
So I am looking for a workout buddy,  someone who can go to the gym with me a couple times a week...when Nathan can't...his schedule is so wonky and the kids keep us so busy that there is just no way we will be able to workout together...any takers???

STILL waiting...

I think the state is just making sure we really are prepared to wait out any crisis the future children they put in our home are going to put us through.   My husband even made some wise ass comment last night...he NEVER makes comment about how long we have been waiting.
It really has been a long wait though.  What was suppose to be a three week wait for our license  we are still waiting for...and it has been eight weeks tomorrow since our homestudy was finished.   Some days the wait is paralyzing.   I feel angry and let down by the system, but I can't help but wonder how any children are so let down by the system as well.   It is stupid  that it has taken this long to get anything done.   I pray things get moving.
It seems like out path has been so long and yet it hasn't at the same time...from the beginning of this journey till now it has been less than a year...but when we started it seemed as if it would only take 4 or 5 months and here we wait and it is driving me crazy!
 I don't know how this would have worked if we had went down the adoption path and and just did a homestudy and  adopted.   This is similar and different all at the same time.   I know way too much about the court system and too little about the adoption system all at the same time.   CRAZY!  I need more information! 
The fact that Nathan is getting impatient tells me that this is dragging on for too long...I hope this over soon...our lives need to move on.   We need to move on.  One way or the other.  NOW.

Fertility...still a hot button for me.

Three babies born this weekend all under different wonderful blessed circumstances.   Don't ya know it was already a hard weekend for me to get though with grandpa dying and all, and then all these babies are born.   And then everyone wants to know how our adoption/foster care is going...well to be honest it's not going!   I just wanted to crack all weekend!   I want to throw a temper tantrum like a three year old...because I can have what I want...another baby.

I am broken....

My body will not reproduce and everyone else seems to be able to make babies...yes I have to beautiful children!   I made them...but they took hard work and tears and more hard work and too many nights of counting and planning and unsexy, unloving, get it done now to have my kids.   I don't want that!


I'm angry at my body after all these years it is still betraying me!   It has betrayed me since the beginning of my marriage!  I try very hard to fix it...yet I know deep in my heart there is nothing I can do to truly fix it...it is broken, I have to accept it and move on.  I though I had.  I try I really do.  I want this adoption!  I want foster care so badly!  I want to help these children so desperately.  What I really want is to make our family whole.  I feel like we are missing someone...just one person is missing...and until they are here...we are not whole...


and I am broken...

lost grandpa today

8/22/12
Today Catie woke me up all chipper and bright eyed.  She was ready to go.   I was not.  I usually am not.  I do not wake up well.  I am not a morning person.  I do not like being woke up fist thing in the morning.   But there she was "mom I didn't have a nightmare, mom my head didn't hurt.  Isn't that great?"
"Yes Catie that's wonderful!  Now go away and let me sleep until my alarm clock goes off at 7 and then we can talk about your head. "
Nathan at this point sensing my my distress rolled out of bed and shooed Catie out of our room and whet to shower.   Our alarm went off and Catie returned to talk some more...you have to be kidding me!   Go away kid!
Now my phone is ringing!  What the hell is going on? Nathan is bringing me the phone>>>

"Aaron"...
Yeah?
"Are you a wake sweetie?"
Huh??? he has never ever called me that he is two years my junior...
"It's dad..he passed at 5am this morning."
ok
"we are going to have the service this weekend"
"at Larry's"
ok
I'll be there



So surreal and so quick...so strange.
I can't believe he is gone...he was so strong and so stubborn and like a light he's just gone.

grandpa is dying

He relapsed...he has pneumonia and sepsis...he has decided to not fight it and go home and hospice will be stepping in to take care of the rest.   I am distraught to say the least...I found out on facebook last night.  My uncle put a post up announcing the development and I found out with all of his friends and the rest of the world.
I am suppose to be his favorite granddaughter but seems I get no notice and the fact that I live 395miles away is no big deal to anyone but me.   I will have to make travel arrangements and worry about when and how we will get there.
I am so glad I took the trip to Kansas City when he was ill before.  I need to call him soon and talk to him if he wants.      I need more to talk to Mari and make sure that she understands that I need a few days lead time so I can travel home for the funeral.

THIS SUCKS and there isn't anything I can do about it.

Hate being repremanded by other parents!!!!

Was at the good old "Golden Arches" today for a play date...much needed time out for mommy!   My kids were playing pretty well today and to there credit they weren't fighting with each other for once.   My son came running up to me and told me that he was having trouble getting into one of the pieces of equipment because there were two children in it being mean.   So I told him to go find his sister to ask her for help.   She was sitting right in front of me and I said..."hey can you go help your brother out?"   My thought being take care of your little brother.   I want her to get in the habit of watching out for him...they are both going to be at school together this year...I was expected to take care of my little brother and he took care of me.
A few minutes later this big guy comes over and puts these two kids in front of me and asks me why I sent my daughter to disciple his kids and was that the way I wanted to handle that situation?
I was blown away!  I hate confrontation...I use to thrive on it...anymore it just upsets me and makes me sick to my stomach.   He said he overheard my conversation with my son and didn't approve of the way I handled it.   Really???  You don't approve???   Too bad mister! I have kids and you have kids and I get raise mine the way I want and you get raise yours the way you want.

As he was walking away I asked him if he had preferred if I had climbed up in the playland and sorted out the nonsense for the kids...or let them work it out themselves.  He didn't respond.  I followed up by telling him that I try and let my kids deal with their own disagreements themselves.

I don't get involved...because really their boss is not going to appreciate it if I call and try and straighten out a misunderstanding or disagreement...their girlfriend in high school or college isn't going to want to talk to me when they have a fight.   They boy friend isn't going to take a break up from me very well...although it might be easier on my child that isn't the best thing for them.   Life is full of times when we have to deal with things that are hard and we have to deal with it our self.

Yes I had Catie help him!!!   But if I had a boyfriend that was bugging me that I didn't know what to do...I wouldn't go to my dad....I would have called my brother...in a heart beat...that's what brother's are for.   IT was a teaching moment for my children and do I feel guilty???  Nope!   AM I upset???  You betcha!   I was talking to a good friend who I don't see often enough and I like and respect her.
My husband and I are in the process of becoming foster parents and want to adopt.   Lastly my parenting ability was called into question.

I stand by my decision...but dang it....why did that dad have to be there....in reality the kids didn't have any problems...Catie said the boys said they weren't coming out so they went into the other plane and Alex was fine with that.   Two minutes later he was back down on the floor running around like a racer....his kids didn't even get bumped from their spot...he was just being a butt!

Silly musings

This blog has been something of a bit of therapy and a bit of fun...I write to get out the words I can't say out loud.   Much less the words I can't say publicly...sometimes...I should hold my tongue more often.  I hit 7 thousand readers today...how funny.   This little old blog was started as a private diary or journal of sorts when I was at a really low time in my journey of self exploration.   Now I am writing about all kinds of things that affect my daily life...my trial as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a citizen of this nation and this planet...all the things that bug me and make me happy.  It's turned out to be very therapeutic and sometimes the best part of my day.

forgiveness

Over the past few mornings I have woke up to the memory of some strange silly thing I did in my youth...some funny, some sad, all things I need to ask God for forgiveness for, and wondered why now? 
I think that as we age we start examine the life we have lead and feel remorse for the wrongs we have caused.   I just never imaged this examination would interrupter my sleep.  And it surely has been over the last few days...I have woken up before 6 am on all of the days to sit and relive the moments and then to talk them over with God.
They just aren't the kind of moment I pictured would be troubling me...I mean the ones that would be waking me from my sleep.  They were small things.  The last one was telling my grandmother a lie...and it's the only one I can remember.  That's how insignificant they are...I can't even remember what what was keeping me awake the first two times. 
Maybe it's that God is trying to teach me in these moments....dang it if I know what the lesson is suppose to be...I need to be more awake God to pay attention to a lesson.   Or maybe it's just the act of forgiveness in it's self.  I think I am pretty good at forgiving....but maybe there is something big God is preparing me for....
Oh no...I hope not
I don't know if I am ready yet

sepration of classes is still in effect here in America

Yesterday we went to my daughter's swim meet...it was a HOT day and we had to be there extra early for team picture and we decided to we would stake out a table...something we never do...we let the club set have them usually.   It was so hot though and the umbrella was a nice change.    As we sat there the other tables filled in and the one next to us had been saved with a bag by some girls as they came in for their family.   A few minutes later another family came in and found that all the other tables with umbrellas had been taken and saw the unmanned table and moved in...I watched in surprise and shock as mom...deftly moved the bag to a chair and spread all their towels and things out.   It was a thing to behold.  A few minutes later the young girls came back and found their things moved aside and were quickly apologized to, but what were they going to do...make them all move now?  I never saw anything like it in my life...
As we watched the meet many people greet my husband warmly (not because of the weather) they do love his food!   The family next to us kept making comments about isn't that the chef's? is that his wife?  does he have kids in the meet?  Then finally the father gets up and comes over and in the most condescending tone I have heard I think ever he tells my husband "it sure is nice to see you out enjoying the benefits of the club"   I have never felt so small as I did in that minute...sure we are staff family but my husband busts his ass 5-7 days a week at that club so assholes like him can eat at their whim and be assholes like that....
Sorry for my attitude...I really was mad and really mad that my kids were sitting at the table to hear that exchange....maybe it was just me...maybe my husband didn't hear it the same way...I don't think he heard all of the questions leading up to the final confrontation...but I certainly feel the seperation between the classes here in Bloomington sometimes...

Then there are other days that it just doesn't exist....my kids both have some good friends at the club and they really enjoy being there...but who doesn't?

Getting older

I don't mind...it just means I'm still alive.... and that is a wonderful thing!  I'm getting wrinkles and sun spots and that's ok...I earned them.  I am not enjoying grey hair...mostly because it;s a slow progression...I think if it happened all at once I would be ok with it.  I don't like multi tonal hair.  It just doesn't suit me.  I feel aches and pains...some of them worst than others, but at least I know at the beginning and end of the day I am alive.  Today has been pretty much the same as yesterday...again...not tidal wave.  No tornado...and that is good news.  The up side is I feel like me and I think I am starting to figure out who me is.  In a few years I think I will know what I want to be when I grow up and have a career.  Until then I am content to be me and enjoy my day of thirty five.

Looks like it going to happen

On the eve of my 35th birthday I am looking back at the last year and tonight seems pretty anticlimactic really.  I don't know if I was expecting a tidal wave or tornado...but here it is and I am still here and couldn't be happier.  My life feel pretty good.  Dad and Marsha are happily married and have a great place to eventually retire.  Bill and Carol are happily living retirement near John and Michele but wish us closer.  Tim and Susan are in their own house with Anna and Ox and doing good.  Adam and Tiff have their place with their kids and Amanda has Barry and Hayden and one on the way.  John and Michele life quietly in Springfield enjoying their children.  I love my family...I enjoy my friends...both near and far.  I miss Kansas City for so many reasons and every-time we go home I try and show my kids a little more of where I grew up and where I am from....My hometown.  I have to admit pulling into our driveway it feels good to be in Bloomington...I LOVE it here.  I love the people.  I love our church.  I love our friends.  I love our "club."  I love that everywhere I go I run into people I know and they embrace me like an old friend and that feels good.   There is a deep part of me that never wants to leave.  Still there is a deeper part of me that knows I belong closer to home...closer to my peeps...closer to the family that know my story.
Celebrating my birthday with my family last weekend was really like old times.  I remember celebrating the hot summer nights at Grandma Sally's house till the wee hours of the night.  It was so much fun and so worth the drive home and so worth the headache.  I really miss my family, but mostly I am, really happy and glad this birthday is coming and going.
No tornado or tidal wave....

birthday anxiety...again!!!!

When is this going to go away!!!!!
So I sat down to compose an email to an aunt who hasn't responded to my birthday invite yet and a whole bunch of junk came spilling out...luckily I was able to rewind and edit before I sent and keep all the junk to myself....it's not nice to dump my junk on others....so I'm gonna dump it here.
  I don't usually make big plans to go back to KC for birthdays or have parties for myself for that matter, but for 20+ years I have been living with the black cloud over me that I wasn't going to make it to this birthday and that women don't live past 34...I know dumb right!  Well that's what happens when your momma dies when when your 14 and you start to make rules in your head about life.  Life is pretty good right now accept for the darn migraines that are ruling my life.  I know that they are a complete manifestation of my anxiety about my birthday.  I think I am just ready for everything to just be over and life to move on.
It totally sucks that mom is dead...it sucks that I can't control my feeling and it sucks that I have no control over these headaches. 
What I do have control over is my words and I am doing my best to control my words with my family, friends and strangers.   I can keep my thoughts on a leash and limit what I say to what need to be said and stop I will be doing good.

the tank top war

I really dislike being yelled at...I really dislike not being able to yell back...I really dislike being expected to not yell back by my husband.  It was a really rough morning in my house...my daughter decided it was tank top weather and none of her t-shirts we acceptable wear for school today.  Nathan also worked this morning which is out the ordinary...I don't know if that though her off or what was going on.   She was just bent out of shape from the get go.  She actually told me that she might not stay popular with the clothes she has right now...I almost laughed!
I told her no and got into the shower and was followed into the bathroom by a griping child...I told her to leave my bathroom...so she stood outside my bathroom and griped.  I told her to leave my room so she stood in the hall and griped.  That went on for five or so minutes before she figured out I couldn't hear her and then she called my name.  I told her I couldn't hear and she came back in the room and it started all over again...then  I told her to go to her room and get dressed.
At this point I was really loosing my patience.  She slammed her door.  She started crying and opened the door so I could see....once I saw that she wasn't dressed I told her she was going to be late.  It was 30 minutes later than we usually went down stairs and she was still in her pajamas and still yelling at me about her clothes. 
That's when my volume control was elevated ...at 50 minutes past the hour she was still yelling at me about a tank top...she needs new t-shirts...even though my mom is buy her new clothes this weekend and she has clothes that fit right now...my patience was gone.  She broke out in fresh new tears and I was ready to cry now too.
I did yell for a minute...but apologized right away.   I think that Catie may be having some growing pains and not the kind that she can feel physically.
This is going to be hard on both of us.  I have no idea how my dad did this...God Bless HIM!!!

visits

I love when my parent come for a visit...I wish it was more often.  I hate that they live so far away.  It is so stinking hard living so far away far away from home.  It would be so nice to have mom and dad near by.  I am so happy to just have them here for a few days though...it is so nice.  They came out for Catie's basketball game.  She is so excited she can hardly wait!  I wish my momma was here to see her...she would be so proud!  I miss my mom and it sucks some times.  I wish she could visit...

waiting

I am busy waiting for the test results now.  The test it's self went ok...I was a little nauseous and the test took a little longer than I expected but I did manage to finish.  I think the worst part of medical tests is waiting...
To make matters worst...we forgot Catie's basketball practice last night.  I was so wiped out and Nathan was too I'm sure.  We just completely forgot.  Now she's a week behind on the practice and she really needed it.  I feel like an awful mom when I forget things like that.  It's not like I wanted to forget but it just completely got past us.  I'm afraid that this was a really important practice too...they were suppose to learn about steals and defending against it.

Alex also had a medical exam yesterday...he is the first of us to get one for the foster care process.  It was really challenging.  He is getting strong and really fought us on the immunizations.  He got two...then he had to have blood drawn...that was almost easier...he at least calmed down for that.

Again one of those moments I hate and feel like a horrible mother. I had to help hold him down to get the shots...not fun!

the test

This is so not what I want to be doing right now.  I had the worst night's sleep I've ever had and feel like dog crap.  That's somewhere between I'm gonna throw-up and freak out.  Not feeling very good about either of those possible outcomes so I'm gonna try and get it together.  The doctor prescribed an anti anxiety medication.  I'm sure that will help out with the freak out and maybe these shaky hands, but I'm a little scared to take it because of the need to throw-up.  The kids are still asleep I think the plan is to just take them with us in their jammies so not to disturb their sleep so much.  Nathan will take care of all of that.  He's my rock and will make sure everything is ok for me....even though I can hear him throwing-up right now.  Poor guy has a very sensitive tummy.  He'll be ok soon and we will be rolling out of here...and this test will only take a little while and it will be all over and I will look back and wonder....Why was I so freaked out?

how did I get this Job?

In life you don't get a job recommendation list...I wish you did.  When I was young I wanted to be a singer...then when I was leaving junior high I wanted to be a lawyer.  As I went though high school I waffled around about the path I wanted to take.  Most days it was art or music.  Some days it was accounting...silly me...you have to like sitting at a desk.  When I went on to college...I never declared a major...never made up my mind.  That should have been an indicator that I was missing something.  I took whatever class suited me...lots of art.  Tons of history.  Some math, English, and I took one accounting class.   I was never certain where my life was headed.  Then on Oct 21 1996 I was driving home from school during a freak snow storm.  I got all the way to the driveway of the house when a lady not paying attention didn't break and rear ended me traveling 35 mph...which doesn't seem very fast.  However when your car is standing still it's very fast.  it crumpled the rear end of my car...and did major damage to my back and neck.  I spent weeks in physical therapy so I could lift my head again.  I spent months going to the chiropractor and to this day my neck still is not right. 
After that accident I left college and started working full time at a factory making lottery tickets...don't laugh. At the time it was good money.  It was a night job and that suit me just fine too.  I met my very best friend on the whole planet there and to this day she is my soul mate.  She married my brother a few years after we met.  I love her to pieces.  In those late nights I began to play around on the computer and one night after work I got on AOL to check my Stars.  Astrology is a funny thing.  I think it is what you make of it and many times very self fulfilling.  Anyway.  At the time AOL had this service called profiles...very similar to Facebook.  Well I was on and Nathan was searching for someone to talk to and he found my profile and he contacted me with the worst pick up line on the planet..."Let me introduce myself as the man of your dreams"  I have to say it got a chuckle and a whatever.  To his credit he came right back with an apology and we talked for 4 hours that night.  Two weeks later we went out on our first date.  To make things even crazier...it was my brother's graduation party and I HAD to go.  So being the good sport that he is.  Nathan tagged along and met my WHOLE crazy family.   We did everything together from that moment on, and in a few short months I knew that I wanted to spent the rest of my life with him and have lots of babies with him...even though I have never...ever concidered having children before that moment.  I didn't think I ever would infact because of my mom's diagnosis...because when she died I was told to have my whole family complete by 25....I didn't even think that was possible.   But here we are almost 15 years later...2 biological children and planning on adding at least one adopted child to our family.    So that's how I got this crazy job!

Maybe someday I will have one of those fancy outside of the home jobs, but for now.  This is what my family needs and we are very happy!

yesterday...and all the yesterdays

The meeting went really well...more on that another day.  I have another topic I've been meaning to get to and been hiding from.  While I was driving Alex to school yesterday I was examining my life...as I do on many short pointless drives.  What does this all mean...who am I, what is my goal?  That sort of thing...and while I was sitting there the questions and self doubt pop into my head.  What do my parents think of my decision to be a stay at home mom...I only have 2 children...surely I could put them in daycare and go pursue a career of some sort.  It's not like I have 5 or 6 and they take up all the time in the day....but wait...they do...and I feel called to be at home with my children.  Making sure they are getting what they need.  I mean I'm not a lawyer or a banker or a writer....but was in reality was I going to do any of those things anyway?    Do I somehow feel like a disappointment to them...even though I might not have had a very exciting job anyway...I likely would have worked in retail..or art.  Those aren't super high power jobs and might even be considered disappointing to some parents...so I don't know if I would have ever lived up to the dreams they have for me.

On the other hand...my parents have been mostly supportive of my life decisions. They don't make me feel like a disappointment...so maybe I am just disappointed that I didn't do more....but I feel like I have a VERY important job right now.  Someday I will get the chance to start over...I'm just going to be more mature and I guess more prepared for the real world because I have been living in it for so long already.

down one day, up the next...the roller coster

Yesterday was crap!  I am so glad to be done with that.  Sometimes I wonder if the planetary alignment isn't screwed up for me.  After visiting the doctor yesterday and getting two shots...I feel much better.  She thinks the sudden shift in the weather is to blame for my horrible migraine this time....but I wonder if I wasn't subconsciously stressing over mom's birthday.   After all I didn't even know the date till 2:30 or so yesterday...I was so out of it.  Didn't really care what the date was.  But as soon as I knew I couldn't help but wonder if my body wasn't putting me into that weird headache depressed funk/ or my mind putting my body there...so twisted I know. 
Anyway today is a whole new day and I love that I get to start over fresh and be bright and happy today!  I feel much better...even if I do have that dreaded after migraine hangover...it's kinda like being run over by a bus.  The snow is pretty and the air is crisp and Alex is bring quiet...well maybe I should go check on him...he's probably into something bad!
I am learning how to deal with these yucky days and I pray they get fewer and further between.  It really is a little like being depressed and I don't like it one bit!