what the hell????

it's been more than eight weeks since we had last homestudy....and no news.   I finally worked up the nerve to call our agency today and ask if there was anything I could do.   I was so scared to make that phone call.   I almost didn't want to make that phone call.   I was just sure that I was going to get bad news.   I talked to her so briefly...I got so little information that I don't know what was said anymore.  I told Nathan as soon as he got home what she said and he called to ask a question she told him something a little different.   I don't think that's a problem...I think I just miss understood and I am ok with that.
As we get further and further away from the homestudy the more defeated I feel and the more I feel concerned that we are not going to get out license.   I am just concerned that my family and friends are feeling a little bit like we have given up or like we just aren't going to proceed.  Really hate having to answer the question "so what's going on with your foster care?" with "I don't know"
Because we have no idea what's going on...because the State is broken and we have no answers.

STILL waiting...

I think the state is just making sure we really are prepared to wait out any crisis the future children they put in our home are going to put us through.   My husband even made some wise ass comment last night...he NEVER makes comment about how long we have been waiting.
It really has been a long wait though.  What was suppose to be a three week wait for our license  we are still waiting for...and it has been eight weeks tomorrow since our homestudy was finished.   Some days the wait is paralyzing.   I feel angry and let down by the system, but I can't help but wonder how any children are so let down by the system as well.   It is stupid  that it has taken this long to get anything done.   I pray things get moving.
It seems like out path has been so long and yet it hasn't at the same time...from the beginning of this journey till now it has been less than a year...but when we started it seemed as if it would only take 4 or 5 months and here we wait and it is driving me crazy!
 I don't know how this would have worked if we had went down the adoption path and and just did a homestudy and  adopted.   This is similar and different all at the same time.   I know way too much about the court system and too little about the adoption system all at the same time.   CRAZY!  I need more information! 
The fact that Nathan is getting impatient tells me that this is dragging on for too long...I hope this over soon...our lives need to move on.   We need to move on.  One way or the other.  NOW.

adopt an older child?

So as our agent was walking out when she was finishing up our homestudy she told us about a 7 almost 8 year old boy who needs a home now.  His foster family was going to adopt him but has decided not to, because they are moving and cannot complete the work before the move?  
So she just mentioned it...
She was just mentioning it to all her families.  He is older than we are looking for and it concerns me that his family that was going to adopt him all of the sudden doesn't doesn't want to adopt him.   BUT at the same time this a little boy who needs a home now...
I have talked to both of the kids...Alex and Catie are both ok with the idea of having an older child live with us as long as we can be foster parents to a younger child later on.

in laws and foster care and adoption

My husband's parents told him last night that they heard on BBC that there were countries in the European Union that had set up locations for children to just be dropped off for adoption because families were struggling so hard over there.
1. Does this change they way we are heading in our adoption/foster care process? no
2. Does this make me wonder if they support our decisions in our process? yes
3. Does this make me wonder if they understand our process? yes

I did some more research...indeed there are some places in Europe you can just drop off a baby...in Russia.  You have been able to do that for several years it was set up so people were not dropping there babies into garbage dumps and such.   I reminded my husband that in Kansas and Missouri they made laws several years before we moved for mothers to drop off newborns at fire stations, police stations and hospitals without risk of punishment.   It's to protect the child's life.

What my in laws are referring  to is different and similar at the same time...and so very sad.  The county of Greece has experience such a horrible meltdown that many families are finding the simple truth is they can't afford to feed all of the mouths in the house.   They have started asking the government to take the children into their version of foster care and keep them until the family can be put back together.   So yes families are being split up...but in the temporary sense...at least that is the hope.   Many of the families hope to rejoin after the crisis has been finished and everything is restored...but no one knows how long that will take.   The saddest part of all of this is this culture very deeply prides itself on family heritage.  
I pray that our country can avoid this kind of meltdown. 

Lastly I am concerned that my in laws and brother in law are going to be very brokenhearted when we actually bring home one of these broken children...I think the idea of a foster child is scary to them.   I think they are truly worried I don't know what to tell them or how to ease their mind.   We still have a long way to go!

Ask me!!! Please!

I am dying to share what's going on in our foster care process....it may not be much from the last time we talked, but ask just the same.  I am excited and scared.  I would have told you last week.  That we finished with the many copies we have to make for the agency.  This week we had to sit down and talk with Catie about what she was expecting.  We found a note hidden deep in her school book saying she was scared.  I'm scared too...but soooooo very excited....so please ask.  I love to talk about what God is doing in our lives.
This weekend I am going to a conference in Carlock for parents of adopted children and foster children...I am so looking forward to it.

to tell or not to tell???

So silly...I haven't said anything to our pastor yet about us going though the foster care process.  It's a journey and I'm not sure I'm ready to talk to our pastors about it yet.  My husband has other feelings about it.  He feels like our pastor is a pillar in our spiritual life and we should involve them in our life in such an important new process of our life.  It kinda feels too early too me.  Like it's before the pregnancy has began...like we are still trying to conceive.  Maybe I am looking at this all wrong and maybe he had this right from the start.  Maybe we do need to talk to our pastor/s and have them in this process with us.  This is definitely a spirit led process for us.  I need to give this some more thought and prayers and consider why I am withholding information...

finger printed and back ground checked

I have never been so excited to have my fingers printed.   It was a wonderful day.  Nathan and I went to the Bone Center in ISU in Normal to get our finger prints taken and backgrounds checked.  It was so interesting...they don't use ink anymore.  It's all done digitally now...it was so cool to watch.  We are also one more big step closer to our bigger family!!!!  YEAH! 

Nathan also took me to Einstein Bros to get a cup of coffee~  yummmy!

babies

adoptuskids.org
I want to bring home a child so bad and I know that for us the most likely way for us to adopt is foster...but it just feels like it's going to take forever!  One thing I am very aware of is I am not long on patience.  I have been looking at the photo listings on adopt us kids...there are so many children that need good homes.  I wonder if there is a way to adopt one of these waiting children.   They need a home and we would love another child.   We will be waiting...until then...I will be praying and watching.

paperwork.....grrrrrrrrrr

Ok....so I'm gonna bitch just a little...I am so tired of the paperwork...I have been working on the paperwork for a couple of weeks every couple of days for an hour at a time.  I need to gather papers and more paperwork comes in the mail...we have to go get finger printing done....more paperwork....grrrrr.  We have to go get physicals...more paperwork...not us this time...the doctor...at least that's good.  I am just getting tired of writing...of course I probably wouldn't have a problem if I didn't have to rewrite Catie's order form for girl scout cookies over the last 24 hours. I need to make tons of copies too...both of the kids school physicals...and marriage license, car insurance, dog tags, and some other forms....just so much stuff!!!!  

On the top side....WE will have a child in our house when all of this is said and done.    My currant prayer is for that child that God is keeping them safe...until we can love them. 

courageous...

God help us!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkM-gDcmJeM

message I needed to hear!

ok...so I have to say with true sincerity I was really feeling a great deal of hesitation about foster care...until yesterday.  Hearing the stories of children who so desperately need homes and families.  It was just the message I needed to hear.  It's amazing to me how God put these people in our lives that tell the story we need to hear.  I am so blessed to be in a place where I can hear these stories...now I pray we can be blessed with a child to love and a family that can be loving and love and love and love this child!
God Give me the strength...

I've been praying

It's a hard road, but one I think we are ready to get on board with.  I am still scared and still not in love with the idea of being a foster parent, but if that's what it takes to make my family whole I am willing.  Mostly I am just so darn scared...I'm sure this is a common fear.  The best thing I can keep doing is keep asking God for help though this adventure.  I am starting to believe that if we are meant to go down this road there must be a child we need to help...or several.  It will be good for all of us. 

It has been a positive thing for sure in my parenting for me.  I am making progress in my discipline and anger control...I think it has confused Alex a little.  He is acting a little rottener than usual because I am not as loud to start out with.  I will keep working and it will be good.

I will keep praying and it will be awesome!

challenge

My husband challenged me to examine what I won't do for my children.  The ones I have and the one I am waiting for...I don't know why I thought this was going to be easy.  I just kind of assumed it would just happen.  I need to be prepared to work hard for this child...really hard, cause this isn't going to be easy.  I am not in love with the idea of being a foster parent.  It just isn't the way I want to make my family, but perhaps it's the way God wants to make our family.    I am really scared!  Not just a little, but a lot.  I am terrified that I am going to have a child that we love and my family is completely in love with, and something is going to happen and all of a sudden our family is torn apart and crushed.  God help me.  I know what's right and I know what we are being directed to do, but I am scared.  I'm gonna keep praying and thinking about this, because Nathan's right.  I will do anything for my children...the ones I have and the one I want.

Amanda is having a baby!

I am so excited and a little freaked out...Amanda is pregnant.  This is so cool...we just decided to make it official and proceed with our plan to adopt and I found out this morning that Amanda is going to be a mommy again...I am going to be an aunt again.  I am also going to talk to Michele about advertising my products for the purpose of raising money for our adoption...I will have to see what she thinks.

Adoption?

So Nathan and I have decided to adopt a child and look forward to making steps in that direction in January of 2012.  We are very excited to be doing this together and making it possible for a child to come into our home and be in a safe loving environment.  I am extremely excited about this and can't wait to find out how long this is going to take.  We have been wrestling with the idea for a little while and I think we are finally at that point.  It looks like it's going to be a long road, but one I am willing to wind if it's what God has in mind for us.  It's going to be a lot of work and likely a struggle.   At least Nathan and I are on the same page about this phase in our life...it's going to be an adventure.