My resolution 2012

So comes the time of year that...I choose my new years resolution.   For 2012.  I am going to save as much money as possible...so we can put it toward our adoption.  I am also going to do as much as I possible can to improve my weight.  I will do my best to write everyday...on my blog.

lots to think about

We made the decision to adopt. We now need to choose an agency and move forward. Nathan and I will  be looking at The Baby Fold, DSF and maybe some other agencies.  We will have to take it slow and see how this goes.  For right now...we are making every effort to put as much money as possible into savings and save up for this adoption.  I know it's going to be costly.

Amanda is having a baby!

I am so excited and a little freaked out...Amanda is pregnant.  This is so cool...we just decided to make it official and proceed with our plan to adopt and I found out this morning that Amanda is going to be a mommy again...I am going to be an aunt again.  I am also going to talk to Michele about advertising my products for the purpose of raising money for our adoption...I will have to see what she thinks.

Adoption?

So Nathan and I have decided to adopt a child and look forward to making steps in that direction in January of 2012.  We are very excited to be doing this together and making it possible for a child to come into our home and be in a safe loving environment.  I am extremely excited about this and can't wait to find out how long this is going to take.  We have been wrestling with the idea for a little while and I think we are finally at that point.  It looks like it's going to be a long road, but one I am willing to wind if it's what God has in mind for us.  It's going to be a lot of work and likely a struggle.   At least Nathan and I are on the same page about this phase in our life...it's going to be an adventure.

was super pissed, but then I grew up a little...lol

Ok...so we sent out a really positive Christmas letter...we do every year...then one lady gripes on fb that it can't be real...well of course we didn't include the crap.   Like the insurance company turning down genetic testing until I have been diagnosed with cancer, and the migraines that wouldn't go away. Oh and lets not forget the migraines that caused me to not be able to have children any longer.  Oh and there was the little thing about our house not selling and it going back to the bank after 2 years of fighting with realtors, tenants and the bank.  Lets not forget Nathan's blood work got so bad he is now considered a full diabetic now...and if he doesn't get things under control he will be insulin dependent in a few years.  So yeah I'm a little pissed.


Ok so this was a little bit of a rant and not deserved.  I was fairly bent outta shape that day and not feeling so great.  

details...that's where it's at

Last night while at dinner...my daughter asked a question that prompted a discussion about my mom's finally days.  She asked why I didn't go further in girl scouts...it occurs to me that while mom was ill...everything was put on hold because I lived in various places.  I lived with one aunt then another.  I lived with my great aunt for a while and my grandpa and grandma as well.  It changed the way I lived my life for sure...I was not able to attend all the things I once loved.   My life was damaged so irreparably by my mom's illness and death...it's no wonder it has taken me so long to get things back in order...if the ever will be.

looking back

looking back over these posts...one thing I have tried to represest over and over again is that I need to try and see the bigger picture...
We lost the house in Leavenworth...I am effectively not going to have anymore children and we still struggle to get our spending under control.   Self control is so stinking hard...it's something I keep struggling with...in my person as well as my marriage and finances...



Nathan and I are not doing a great job of getting our finances in order this month...it looks pretty bad...I hope we can get it together for the next month.
I am going to hold strong to the tv not till after my birthday...we need to wait!

Self control!

Babies

It's been a little over two weeks since I started watching Miles...he's still a very sweet little guy.  He is very sensitive though.  Poor guy has tummy troubles like Alex and Catie had and it has taken years for them to get better...we literally just got Alex on milk last month.  Thankfully Alex is doing well with that.  He is still dealing with the fever spikes and it's so stressful to have a fever in him every couple of days.  It still concerns me quite a bit that he run a fever so often.  He never seems to be ill just a low grade fever.  Poor little guy.  Back to little Miles though.  He is having a rough time and I need to resist the urge to tell his mom what she should be doing...that is not my place.  I am just his sitter.  This is going to be really hard for me...but I can do it.  He such a sweet little guy.  I hope that long term this works out...I like his family.  They are really nice and really the kind of people I would hang out with.
Still not sure about how I feel about Nathan having read my blog...maybe I posted it to the public and just can't remember.  It's not that I don't trust him...it's really more that this is my private chat with myself...a journal. 

New baby

I have a new baby in my life....his name is Miles.  He's a sweet little four month old boy.  I am doing child care!!!!   Finally. 
Secondly I am not so sure I can be as candid as I once was...
Nathan just told  me he read my blog....I know I know it's out here for anyone to read and public and all but I didn't know he had seen it.  It's kinda like therapy for me and I don't care who reads it that doesn't know me,  but I say things that are private and thoughts that are personal.  so I don't know how I feel about this...we will see

missing him

Life is full of surprises...

Tomorrow morning Nathan is leaving for Springfield again to interview for another job near his parents...I m really excited for him and at the same time scared he might actually get the job.  I know he is an incredible chef. He has impressed me since the day we met with his talents in the kitchen.  I know he is more than qualified to be the executive chef of this club in Springfield but I have to admit I have some reservations.  I know he has what's best for our family in mind but it seems like he can't get us moved and closer to home soon enough.  I know that God is going to put us where we need to be as soon as we need to be there...I can't wait to get there myself,but at what cost to our children.  Catie would have to change schools again and the school I have set up for Alex is so right, right now.  I am feeling a great deal of calling to do this job in the UMW for next year,   but I hope making the commitment isn't going to make it that much harder for me to move. 
I'm gonna miss Nathan while he's gone....it drives me nuts having him not at home over night...I know I need to get over that but I miss him and do have some big issues.

God's time

It's so strange at the beginning of this week I was grieving not being able to have another baby and the child I watch just proved why I don't need another child in our house.  We were so close to loosing the house and today we got a higher offer from the buyer the bank get to look at it again.  My kids gave me the time I needed to catch up on my sleep.  Life looks so much better on this side of the week.  Yeah it was rough but God is working it all out and it will be ok!

clarification

I should our clarify our house in Leavenworth is going to likely be foreclosed on.  The bank has countered that we should pay 5000 in addition to the 37500 the buyer has put up towards the house,  We can't afford that and will likely loose the house in foreclosure.

Dealing

I thought I was doing ok with the loss of not being able to have any more kids...I am concerned that loosing the house in foreclosure is going to give me a migraine.  My disappoint is mine alone in that I know I haven't been faithful in my giving my problems to God.  I know that I have latched on to these problems and now we are in a place that I'm not sure we are going to get out of any time soon.  I am  really worried about dropping into another nasty depression.  It's far too easy for me to internalize these issues and not deal with the real problem.  It's gonna help that I won't be able to be at home in the dark all summer.  With doing childcare I am required to get out and be a caregiver as well as a good mom.  I hope that I can stay afloat.

Disappointed

Damn the luck!!!   I am feeling a little let down and a lot disappointed.  We had so many goals and some of them seem to be slipping though our fingers.  We(I) wanted another baby!  I wanted to be pregnant one more time.  I wanted to feel new life growing in me...but God is clearly not letting that happen.  Everyone around me seems to be pregnant.  Or has had a new baby in the last 24 months...crazy!  Why can't it be me. 
Nathan has also been seeking a job closer to home and in the same town as his brother and parents.  We have never lived in the same town as his family.  I was really looking forward to it.   The job he applied for would be perfect for him and our family.  He has emailed the GM several times and I just am feeling like our opportunity may have passed. 
And the black hole of a house...our Leavenworth house is just a waste of time any more.  We know it's not going to be ours...not two ways about it.  It's just a drain on us. 



I feel so warn down...and a little bit like a failure!  How is it that I can't conceive a child like everyone else?  Why can't we catch a break on a job closer to home and why is that darn house still a thorn in our side?  

I know I am doubting God!   I hate that!  I know God has plans for us!  I know his plans are not my own...I would just really like some calm in my life!

I need to pray about this some more, I know.  So I will pray!

promise of something good to come

Nathan has a phone interview with a country club in Springfield this afternoon.  i am so excited...the timing couldn't be better.  If he get the job in late spring we could move sometime over the summer.  I could also continue to work from home until we move.  I think that I need to be careful not to get my hopes up  however.  It is likely that nothing will come of this and we will be here another year until something comes open for us to be able to more closer to home.   My parent and Nathans parent are all very excited to think we might be moving closer.  I look forward to being able to tell them that we will be going back home.   It seems that this is all happening at just the right time...Nathan was told about the job opening before it was advertised and that has to mean something...he also found out about a job at a resort in branson too.  I am so proud of my husband...I can't say how awesome it is to have such a wonderful, exciting husband!
I ♥ Nate!

pretty good

Still feeling pretty good...nothing has changed.  We still are loosing the Leavenworth house.  We still have no money and I still need to loose a massive amount of weight. One of my friends from high school put on her facebook page today that she chose to be happy.  ME TOO!  I choose to be HAPPY!  I can do that.  I know that the other things are not within my reach right now, so I am giving them to God and choosing to be happy.

Stop work

I just started a new week...things look and feel different.  I know that they are not, but they truly feel different.  I am only working for Stephanie and Joe for a few more weeks, and I have someone lined up in the next week to come and interview me for summer care.  I also have someone else inquiring into fall care for their infant.  It's good to be in demand.  I stopped working on the worship team yesterday.   I am sad about that, but feel a great sense of relief.  I am not required to be at church at 9:30 to set up any more.  I can go to traditional service if I want and I can stay for the whole thing.  I can sit with my husband during service and enjoy contemporary worship.  I'm going to miss being involved in the creative parts of worship.   I also am going to miss some of the people on the team.  I am very glad for what this means for my family.   It's going to be less stress and more energy.  I feel so much better....already!

Saturday

Why does one day of the week mean anything different from the rest of the week if we don't have anywhere to go the rest of the week.   

Yesterday was a bust...got a call from our insurance agent that our insurance was being canceled.  I called Nathan and tried to talk to him about it, he listened but had to go.  His work take priority,  I can understand that...it's our sole source of income right now.   I am looking for a new child to watch but until I get another child to watch we really need to watch our p's and q's.  So hard!  

Shortly after I called Nathan he called me back and said the bank had countered the offer that we had put in weeks ago.  It seems we had to negotiate to get the house sold.  We agreed to pay the difference between what the bank would sell it for and what the buyer was willing to pay.   The bank declined!

REALLY?!?!?!?  You have to be kidding me!  We can't win can we?  I am at a loss.  I give it to God and things don't get any better.  I know I am showing a lack of faith,  but dang, when is it going to end?

I do know that God sees the bigger picture.  We are learning our lessons too.  I am so sure we won't be buying a house any time soon.  We also need to do a better job of controlling ourselves so that we don't keep being in this position.   

God please help me learn self control!

New job

I have to tell Cooper's mom and Dad that I can't watch him anymore...I'm not making any money anyway.   I also have two parents wanting childcare for their infants.  It makes more sense for me to take a couple weeks off and do summer care.  After summer I can wait till one of these babies is born and have a new baby to play with.   Maybe this is the answer to my prayers...maybe I don't need another baby.  Maybe I need to just care for someone else's newborn.   Good grief...who am I kidding.  I want another baby.   This is feeling pretty right though.   Just talked to Nate about this...he wants to pray about it.  I'm ok with that.  We can both pray about it.  I will be praying!!!!

Holy Crap

Can't even imagine how I am qualified for this job.  Catie just fainted in my arms...so scary.  I have no idea what I would have done if Nathan hadn't been home.  Thankfully he was.  He called 911 and got the paramedics to come.  So far she is fine.  She seems like her little old self now.  She has a doctor appointment to check and see if anything is wrong that we need to be concerned with.  I'm still a little shaky...to scary seeing someone you love faint for no reason.  The blank look on her face, the feeling her body tense and release.  It was just so scary.  Now she's watching Tom and Jerry, like nothing happened.

What a difference

Truly what a difference one day makes.  It is so nice to spend a day with my husband.  We still had Alex with us, but we had a great day together.  One of those days that you just don't want to end.  We didn't do anything special. We had breakfast and went shopping.  Then we had lunch and did some more shopping.  We didn't need anything in particular except hair goop stuff, but it was refreshing and restful.  It always feels like therapy to go to a big box store and shop.  Not because I love to shop, but because I see other families exposed.  You know they aren't all at their best.  Everyone has seen the Wal-mart photos.  It's very real in those stores.  Kids misbehaving, people spending too much money, people not agreeing on what to buy...you know just life.  It really puts things into perspective for me.  I realize the problems I have aren't really that big, just mine.  I can work through them.  I just need to just make the effort.  I need to communicate issues that are bothering me.
I had a friend come over for coffee today...it was wonderful.  Why don't I do that more often. I have great friends...really good supportive people who care about me.  They also don't care that I have issues.  They take me for who I am not what I am. 
I need to focus on that more often...
Life is good, I need to just look for the good instead of the bad.

the next day

The questions remain the same....who am i and why am i here...
I may never know the answers to my questions...that scares me.  Will I go though this whole life unbalanced, unsure and uncertain.  I have a future.  I am exploring how I get there. 
As a mom my goal is pretty simple and straight forward,  to make whole happy people form these children God has entrusted me with.  I wonder everyday am I doing permanent damage to my children by being the person I am.  I am angry a lot and tend to not be nice to my children...especially my little girl.  I don't know why I do it.  Maybe it's easy because they are little and they are and easy target.  I try so hard to protect them from the evils of the world but am I more of a problem for them than the "bad guys" of the world.  I want to be the sane mom who is a good role model.  I don't want to be their tormentor.  I want to gain some peace with my daughter before the teen years take their toll on us.  I want more than anything to be the kind of mother my kids want to have friends come home with them and want to stay. 
I have so many concerns about how to to this raising kids thing.  I know I'm not doing it right.   I have a little girl who rages at me sometimes...I have a little boy who knows when he's doing something wrong and still does it anyway.

Then there is my marriage....most days I feel pretty good in my marriage.  Then are some days when the doubts creep in...
Am I doing this right, does he really love me, what if he wants a healthier wife(emotionally and physically)   What if he falls out of love with me and see who I really am.

that's pretty damaging stuff.  I want to trust fully in my marriage.  things have happened that make me doubt it sometimes.  Doubt both of us.  I know that I love my husband...that has never changed.  does he love me....yes!  I know he love me too, but why? 
Why does he love me? 
I never will no why...not sure why anyone loves me...

two

who am i and why am i here?
This world is full of truly smart wonderful people who know what they want from life and how they are going to get it.  I don't know how I fit into that.  I am a mom and a wife and do some child care on the side.  Not too much to get excited about.  I always intended to do something important with my life.
When I was in the eighth grade I wanted to be a lawyer.
That dream is gone.  My mom got sick that year.  Things changed.  She had been sick off and on for what seemed like forever.  She went to the doctor a lot.   She had ear infections, tooth aches and head aches.  She was angry a lot.  She yelled a lot and I felt like it was my fault.
When the doctors finally told her what was wrong...it was too late.  She was too sick to get better.  The doctors tried...they made her sicker faster.
I was young and scared...what if I did something wrong.  What if the times I had argued with her had made her sick...hmmmmmm.
I know now that isn't possible.  She had cancer.  I knew it then, but still we always seemed to fight.   
That last few months were short...too short.  I didn't get to say the things I needed to say.  I didn't get to grow up with a mommy.
WHY????
WHY ME......
am I going to repeat this cycle?

beginning

 I trust you won't judge me too harshly.  I have spent a lot of time trying to figure me out.

My life is pretty much a drama of my own doing.  I am angry and hurt and feel like people don't hear me.   

I spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself...that makes me sad.  I want to move forward...

I want to change me so I can be happy and my family can be happy.  I know what I do in my life effects everyone around me.  I have spent all of my adult life mistreating my body.  For that I am sorry.  I am leading my children down that same bad road.  I am going to change for them, but I want to change for me first.

I am exploring my options.  I can change my diet and exercise....sounds so easy.  I have for more than 20 years tried to change my diet and take the time to exercise.  I'm not motivated and don't feel like I can do it. 

am i worth it?