waiting

I am busy waiting for the test results now.  The test it's self went ok...I was a little nauseous and the test took a little longer than I expected but I did manage to finish.  I think the worst part of medical tests is waiting...
To make matters worst...we forgot Catie's basketball practice last night.  I was so wiped out and Nathan was too I'm sure.  We just completely forgot.  Now she's a week behind on the practice and she really needed it.  I feel like an awful mom when I forget things like that.  It's not like I wanted to forget but it just completely got past us.  I'm afraid that this was a really important practice too...they were suppose to learn about steals and defending against it.

Alex also had a medical exam yesterday...he is the first of us to get one for the foster care process.  It was really challenging.  He is getting strong and really fought us on the immunizations.  He got two...then he had to have blood drawn...that was almost easier...he at least calmed down for that.

Again one of those moments I hate and feel like a horrible mother. I had to help hold him down to get the shots...not fun!

the test

This is so not what I want to be doing right now.  I had the worst night's sleep I've ever had and feel like dog crap.  That's somewhere between I'm gonna throw-up and freak out.  Not feeling very good about either of those possible outcomes so I'm gonna try and get it together.  The doctor prescribed an anti anxiety medication.  I'm sure that will help out with the freak out and maybe these shaky hands, but I'm a little scared to take it because of the need to throw-up.  The kids are still asleep I think the plan is to just take them with us in their jammies so not to disturb their sleep so much.  Nathan will take care of all of that.  He's my rock and will make sure everything is ok for me....even though I can hear him throwing-up right now.  Poor guy has a very sensitive tummy.  He'll be ok soon and we will be rolling out of here...and this test will only take a little while and it will be all over and I will look back and wonder....Why was I so freaked out?

scared

I have to admit that I am a little scared.  I have MRI scheduled for 5:30 in the morning and it's got me a little freaked out.  I have been putting this off for a very long time it seems.  I guess I had a CAT scan sometime in the last few years.  So I shouldn't have anything really to worry about.  This must just be that mortality thing creeping again.   I don't think I'm afraid of dying...I'm not running out to do it by any means.  I know that God is going to be with me though and on the other side.  I am scared of what will happen to my children.  I want them to have the advantage of having mom around for their graduation, marriage, eventual children....I'm looking forward to those things.    This is not how I pictured this year going....something has to give and it's going to have to happen soon. 

Maybe I will quit talking about  acupuncture and go do something about it.

She's So Beautiful

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vh7-RSPuAA&feature=fvwrel

I have a link to a you tube song above...it's for Mercy Me, Beautiful.  When Nathan and I were at the concert last year the lead singer said he wrote the song for his young daughter to help combat some of the harsh words she hears in the media and from negative girls around.  This week my little girl told me that some of the girls in her class have been teasing her.  My first thought was to go and straighten these girls out, but she is so young and it a good time to teach her about loving herself.  I sat down with her and had a good cry with her and shared my own problems growing up.  She seemed to understand that no escapes the other children being not nice.   We then talked about how it's not really about her but how that person isn't feeling good about themselves right at that moment.   I hope that some of it soaked in...she's so young, and I remember so well how much it hurts. 

She seemed be better the next day and we talked again about how she can feel good about herself.  She is so smart, funny, and beautiful.  I don't just day those things because I am mom...REALLY!!!

It's so hard to deal with these issues, when even at 34 I am feeling some of the same self doubt and concerns.  I pray that she sees the days when I feel strong and secure and overlooks the days when I don't! 

how did I get this Job?

In life you don't get a job recommendation list...I wish you did.  When I was young I wanted to be a singer...then when I was leaving junior high I wanted to be a lawyer.  As I went though high school I waffled around about the path I wanted to take.  Most days it was art or music.  Some days it was accounting...silly me...you have to like sitting at a desk.  When I went on to college...I never declared a major...never made up my mind.  That should have been an indicator that I was missing something.  I took whatever class suited me...lots of art.  Tons of history.  Some math, English, and I took one accounting class.   I was never certain where my life was headed.  Then on Oct 21 1996 I was driving home from school during a freak snow storm.  I got all the way to the driveway of the house when a lady not paying attention didn't break and rear ended me traveling 35 mph...which doesn't seem very fast.  However when your car is standing still it's very fast.  it crumpled the rear end of my car...and did major damage to my back and neck.  I spent weeks in physical therapy so I could lift my head again.  I spent months going to the chiropractor and to this day my neck still is not right. 
After that accident I left college and started working full time at a factory making lottery tickets...don't laugh. At the time it was good money.  It was a night job and that suit me just fine too.  I met my very best friend on the whole planet there and to this day she is my soul mate.  She married my brother a few years after we met.  I love her to pieces.  In those late nights I began to play around on the computer and one night after work I got on AOL to check my Stars.  Astrology is a funny thing.  I think it is what you make of it and many times very self fulfilling.  Anyway.  At the time AOL had this service called profiles...very similar to Facebook.  Well I was on and Nathan was searching for someone to talk to and he found my profile and he contacted me with the worst pick up line on the planet..."Let me introduce myself as the man of your dreams"  I have to say it got a chuckle and a whatever.  To his credit he came right back with an apology and we talked for 4 hours that night.  Two weeks later we went out on our first date.  To make things even crazier...it was my brother's graduation party and I HAD to go.  So being the good sport that he is.  Nathan tagged along and met my WHOLE crazy family.   We did everything together from that moment on, and in a few short months I knew that I wanted to spent the rest of my life with him and have lots of babies with him...even though I have never...ever concidered having children before that moment.  I didn't think I ever would infact because of my mom's diagnosis...because when she died I was told to have my whole family complete by 25....I didn't even think that was possible.   But here we are almost 15 years later...2 biological children and planning on adding at least one adopted child to our family.    So that's how I got this crazy job!

Maybe someday I will have one of those fancy outside of the home jobs, but for now.  This is what my family needs and we are very happy!

yesterday...and all the yesterdays

The meeting went really well...more on that another day.  I have another topic I've been meaning to get to and been hiding from.  While I was driving Alex to school yesterday I was examining my life...as I do on many short pointless drives.  What does this all mean...who am I, what is my goal?  That sort of thing...and while I was sitting there the questions and self doubt pop into my head.  What do my parents think of my decision to be a stay at home mom...I only have 2 children...surely I could put them in daycare and go pursue a career of some sort.  It's not like I have 5 or 6 and they take up all the time in the day....but wait...they do...and I feel called to be at home with my children.  Making sure they are getting what they need.  I mean I'm not a lawyer or a banker or a writer....but was in reality was I going to do any of those things anyway?    Do I somehow feel like a disappointment to them...even though I might not have had a very exciting job anyway...I likely would have worked in retail..or art.  Those aren't super high power jobs and might even be considered disappointing to some parents...so I don't know if I would have ever lived up to the dreams they have for me.

On the other hand...my parents have been mostly supportive of my life decisions. They don't make me feel like a disappointment...so maybe I am just disappointed that I didn't do more....but I feel like I have a VERY important job right now.  Someday I will get the chance to start over...I'm just going to be more mature and I guess more prepared for the real world because I have been living in it for so long already.

Diet Coke and Beef Jerky

It's 10:30ish and I am siting down for a second to eat and take a drink....basic building blocks right?  Yes I am truly eating beef jerky for breakfast...don't judge!  I am hot, tired and sweaty...who needs a gym membership.   Oh yeah...I DO!  I'll be going to get that later today...but that's another blog.  Right now I am all sweaty and tired and underfed from cleaning the house.  No my house isn't a pit or anything...if anything I keep my house cleaner than the average...I am just picky.  Today is however the day that we meet Tammy from the agency and she will decide if our house can even be licensable...not sure that's a word but oh well.  I have to be kinda crazy right for being so paranoid...I'm sure she's not going to look to make sure we don't mix our sock and underwear up.  But here I am cleaning out closets...looking under beds...went though Catie's whole dresser...it was a PIT!  I guess cleaning is my way of dealing with the stress of not knowing what's going to happen.  I hate...not knowing what's going to happen. 

meeting

I am out of town so close to the meeting date that I am a little nervous.  It seems like something is going to go wrong and we aren't going to make it back in time.  I am very excited to have this meeting...we will be setting up our class schedule and also setting a plan in how we want to accomplish this in a timely manner.  Nathan and I if anything are not slowpokes about anything...we get right on the ball and get something done if that's what we decide to do.   This whole process is slow and drawn out on purpose...I believe it is to keep people who are not really in it for the right reason out, but it sure does seem like it might keep some who are in it for the right reason out.  

While on vacation we remembered that Nathan's cousin was for many years in the state of Illinois foster care social worker.  We will be making a phone call to her when we get back home...to see if there is anything she thinks we need to do.  We also have a good friend who did counseling for foster care.  I know having her as a friend will be very useful.  She is also a very wonderful person to have in our lives. 

Read today's post from the bottom up...

Depression is such a rotten problem...it's usually a lifelong problem.   This book tells such an important story...I will be buying a copy of this book for the church library...some of our youth could use it...for various reasons. 

book second part

there is so much more to this book than the cover portrays...I assumed mom died from cancer.  That must be because my mom died from cancer.  This book is so worth the read...it's a teen book or youth book...but well written and I think Catie could read it in a year or two...not just yet. 

Slant...a book with hidden tears

Wow...is all I can say.  I started reading this book for UMW reading program, I figured it would be a quick read...possible teach me something about international adoption.
I didn't expect it to be about a girl who lost her mother to cancer and what it's like being a teenager, not having a mother and having dad start dating again.  Talk about touching on some tough still tender issues.  Good grief...it's been 20 years, but this book has touched a cord....

To be continued.......

January 25th

That's the day we have set to meet with the agency for foster care.  One week away...seems like an eternity.  I know that time will fly by and we will be sitting here having a conversation about the things that need to improve, the things we are doing right, the classes we need to take and the people we need to talk to.  Today it just seems so far away and I am doubting myself every step of the way.  Thankfully my kids and husband are so supportive and are so positive.  Until then I have a ton of things to keep me busy...including Catie Alex and Nathan and ALL of the stuff they need done...NOW.
Gotta Run!

therapy

I think it's very important to find a cheap or free way to achieve therapy.  When we moved to Bloomington three years ago, it became a necessity for me.  I had never felt so alone as when we moved here.  We didn't know anyone yet and I was really unsure that this had been a good decision for us to move here.  I thought that if I found something to keep me busy it might just help me over that loneliness. (not get over it but move though it)  I knew it was time to do something when I got up one morning maybe two or three weeks after we moved here and put up Alex's curtains in his bed room in hopes of him going back to bed longer.   The very next day I got up and we went to the public library and I checked out a couple of books on crocheting.  My grandmother had taught me to crochet just a little when I was Catie's age.   I picked up a skein of yarn and made a giant mess...but I was hooked...lol.  I had to check out the children's books...I found very quickly that the adult books expected me to know a few things...I didn't know anything.

Anyway, it's been three years and I still crochet when I need to think something out.  I also do it for fun now...but what once was just a form of therapy for me, is now a passion and something I really enjoy.  It gives me an outlet I need.

anxiety

Half way considering having a grown-up birthday party here at the house to celebrate my 35th birthday in April...but the low self esteem part of me is VERY scared no one would come.  Talk about low self esteem I am sitting here wondering to computer if I have any friends who would come over share a bottle of wine or three with me and listen to some good music and have fun talking...lame.   I guess I never really got over high school not feeling like I really fit in.
We've been here for three years...and some days I feel like we could live here for the rest of our lives and it would be the best thing for our family...and some days I feel so alone. 
Anyway I've said all year 35 is a big year for me...I'm going to have a great time...I'm going to have a party and have fun and even if nobody shows up I'm going to know I am happy and life is good!

botox...

Just saw a ad for Botox as a treatment for migraines...crazy!  It's even crazier that I am in enough pain regularly that I am considering talking to my doctor about it...Just might be the craziest thing I have considered this week.

courageous...

God help us!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkM-gDcmJeM

down one day, up the next...the roller coster

Yesterday was crap!  I am so glad to be done with that.  Sometimes I wonder if the planetary alignment isn't screwed up for me.  After visiting the doctor yesterday and getting two shots...I feel much better.  She thinks the sudden shift in the weather is to blame for my horrible migraine this time....but I wonder if I wasn't subconsciously stressing over mom's birthday.   After all I didn't even know the date till 2:30 or so yesterday...I was so out of it.  Didn't really care what the date was.  But as soon as I knew I couldn't help but wonder if my body wasn't putting me into that weird headache depressed funk/ or my mind putting my body there...so twisted I know. 
Anyway today is a whole new day and I love that I get to start over fresh and be bright and happy today!  I feel much better...even if I do have that dreaded after migraine hangover...it's kinda like being run over by a bus.  The snow is pretty and the air is crisp and Alex is bring quiet...well maybe I should go check on him...he's probably into something bad!
I am learning how to deal with these yucky days and I pray they get fewer and further between.  It really is a little like being depressed and I don't like it one bit! 

Foster care

I think we found the agency we are going to use.  We will have to wait and see.  Right now...it really feels like a good fit.  It was a very good positive conversation and I think that it's the direction we want to go rather than going with the public agency.  I will still have to talk to the man from dcfs and see how I feel about them, but the idea of a more personal experience makes more sense to me and makes me feel more comfortable with the idea of foster care in general.  It seemed like the agency was going to be more helpful in the process all together than dcfs.  We will see.

Migraines

These stupid headaches...they seem to take over so much of my life when I have one.  I have so much trouble functioning when I have a headache.  It's like someone has taken my head and replaced it with a bowling ball that has a tic.  It's awful and kind of depressing...so I guess I can understand why Nathan asked if I'm getting depressed again.  This headache has had me in my room when the kids aren't home the entire time under a blanket with the lights out the shades drawn and the tv and phones off.  It's kinda how I feel when I'm depressed...accept when I'm depressed it doesn't go away in 5 hours to 3days.  It was so good for a couple of weeks.  I only had one mild headache and then they started all over again.  I'm thinking about getting my eyes examined again to see if my prescription has changed again.  This is just ridiculous!   I don't know how people live with constant migraines...

On  the bright side the two shots the doctor gave me today have taken the edge off the one I have right now...

I need to make a few phone calls regarding the foster care today and would like to be coherent.  I don't think that me not making any sense will be very well received.  Nathan and I sat down and looked at when we will be able to take the pride classes for learning how to foster parents. 

WE have received such positive feedback for being foster parents...it makes my heart swell.  I am so excited.  This is still scary but I am really feeling like this is going to be a great big adventure for us.  Nathan is so into the idea he is making it so easy to be excited!    Everyday it feel more and more right! 

depressed

Nathan just asked if I was getting a little depressed.  hmmmmmmmm...I don't think so.  I feel pretty good.  Accept for these darn headaches.  I did make the comment that I'm glad it's going to snow tomorrow cause it'll be gloomy, but in my defense it's been so sunny that my head has been hurting for days. I'm going to to try acupuncture I think to see if that has any impact on these darn headaches.  So far Dr Gu has gotten a resounding referral around town.  I think he is the only one in town that does it though.  So I'm gonna keep thinking about it...when it feels right I will do it.

Ok so I think I'm ready to go PUBLIC!

Ok so I am going to go public with my blog...this time...on my own terms.  I have reread all my blog and not much is on there that I feel bad about...it's brutally honest and that's ok...maybe some people don't know the real me...but that's ok.  They will now.  If they want to...

if not no big deal..

life is busy...

I kinda hoped January would be slower pace with Nathan having a slower pace at work, but so far that is not the case.  We have been here there and everywhere....it's crazy!  Last night we had a quick girl scout meeting before we had basketball practice.  Tonight we have nothing, but tomorrow we have small group and Thursday I am meeting Claire in the morning to pick out yarn for hat for the baby.  Then I have small group again on Friday.  I may need to take some time off form one of my small groups while I am working on the home study/Pride classes.  I'm not sure I can do all this.  I am already kinda feeling overwhelmed...is this a good idea???   Without question!  I feel more called today then I did yesterday and more than the day before...I just need to pull back more from the responsibilities I have taken on.

message I needed to hear!

ok...so I have to say with true sincerity I was really feeling a great deal of hesitation about foster care...until yesterday.  Hearing the stories of children who so desperately need homes and families.  It was just the message I needed to hear.  It's amazing to me how God put these people in our lives that tell the story we need to hear.  I am so blessed to be in a place where I can hear these stories...now I pray we can be blessed with a child to love and a family that can be loving and love and love and love this child!
God Give me the strength...

I've been praying

It's a hard road, but one I think we are ready to get on board with.  I am still scared and still not in love with the idea of being a foster parent, but if that's what it takes to make my family whole I am willing.  Mostly I am just so darn scared...I'm sure this is a common fear.  The best thing I can keep doing is keep asking God for help though this adventure.  I am starting to believe that if we are meant to go down this road there must be a child we need to help...or several.  It will be good for all of us. 

It has been a positive thing for sure in my parenting for me.  I am making progress in my discipline and anger control...I think it has confused Alex a little.  He is acting a little rottener than usual because I am not as loud to start out with.  I will keep working and it will be good.

I will keep praying and it will be awesome!

challenge

My husband challenged me to examine what I won't do for my children.  The ones I have and the one I am waiting for...I don't know why I thought this was going to be easy.  I just kind of assumed it would just happen.  I need to be prepared to work hard for this child...really hard, cause this isn't going to be easy.  I am not in love with the idea of being a foster parent.  It just isn't the way I want to make my family, but perhaps it's the way God wants to make our family.    I am really scared!  Not just a little, but a lot.  I am terrified that I am going to have a child that we love and my family is completely in love with, and something is going to happen and all of a sudden our family is torn apart and crushed.  God help me.  I know what's right and I know what we are being directed to do, but I am scared.  I'm gonna keep praying and thinking about this, because Nathan's right.  I will do anything for my children...the ones I have and the one I want.