homestudy

In a little over three hours someone is going to come into our house and decide if we are capable of raising children...ours or anyone Else's ....that's a scary concept.   We have been working like dogs to make our house presentable.  How do you make you life presentable though???   What if one of the kids says something wrong or what if I answer a question wrong?  Or what if God forbid we store the bleach in the wrong place?   I am beside myself with doubt and Nathan is watching a cartoon with the kids.   *sigh  I wish I was a man sometimes...Life would be so much easier. 
So everything is as clean as it possible could be....I am not going to clean the windows and if that is what keeps us from having children in our care so be it.   God willing this will go smoothly and I will look back on this day fondly and think that was a wonderful day! 
I can hope!  
PRAY FOR ME!  PRAY FOR US!  PRAY FOR THE CHILDREN WE ARE TRYING TO HELP!
PLEASE!!!!

So thankful today...

So thankful for the things I have...There is a song that plays on the christian station here that says "In the middle of my little mess I forget how big I'm blessed"   Oh how those words ring true for me.  I feel like I am chasing my tail lately.   The laundry is never done...I am ready to burn it....but I am thankful we have cloths.  I need to get that though to my kids...they don't understand.  The house is never clean anymore and it is so important to me that it be clean.  We are so very, very blessed to have a place to live and when I start to feel better again I can worry about my house being spotless everyday.  Until then things will have to slide a little.  I have a cell phone that ALWAYS has one or two missed calls.  I can't remember to change the ringer to ring but I am very thankful to have a phone so I can call my loved ones when I feel blue or homesick.  The thing I am most thankful and hate today is the migraine medicine however.   It is turning my world upside down and I am so upset and pissed but ultimately thankful for the medication.   It is causing me to be a tad slow in thought process and it is REALLY irritating to say the least.  I feel some days like I am less in control of my life than I ever have been.  The upside is the migraines are getting better.  I am having them far less often and they are less painful and I can still function with one when I do have one.  So I am thankful for this medication.

Little Red Dog

So today I had to take Rusty to the vet.  He had to have his annual vaccinations so we can go out of town and have him boarded while we are traveling and such.  How can such a little dog cost so darn much money?  His vet bill is more than my regular doctor visit.  That is crazy and a little sad.  He's sleeping now.    He was crazy the whole time we were out...poor Alex is scratched all up on his legs.   We had his claws trimmed while we had him out too.  
Some days....that's all life is about...the little red dog...and I am very grateful for that.  
My head doesn't hurt.  My anxiety isn't bothering me.  We are broke but that never changes....if gas prices would stay normal maybe we would have a chance...lol

birthday anxiety...again!!!!

When is this going to go away!!!!!
So I sat down to compose an email to an aunt who hasn't responded to my birthday invite yet and a whole bunch of junk came spilling out...luckily I was able to rewind and edit before I sent and keep all the junk to myself....it's not nice to dump my junk on others....so I'm gonna dump it here.
  I don't usually make big plans to go back to KC for birthdays or have parties for myself for that matter, but for 20+ years I have been living with the black cloud over me that I wasn't going to make it to this birthday and that women don't live past 34...I know dumb right!  Well that's what happens when your momma dies when when your 14 and you start to make rules in your head about life.  Life is pretty good right now accept for the darn migraines that are ruling my life.  I know that they are a complete manifestation of my anxiety about my birthday.  I think I am just ready for everything to just be over and life to move on.
It totally sucks that mom is dead...it sucks that I can't control my feeling and it sucks that I have no control over these headaches. 
What I do have control over is my words and I am doing my best to control my words with my family, friends and strangers.   I can keep my thoughts on a leash and limit what I say to what need to be said and stop I will be doing good.

Smile :)

I believe that we could we could have a much happier world if more people smiled.   Yesterday I was driving and came to a stop next a a rough...and I mean ROUGH man.  He had his crew in the car with him. He had his beats and his classic low rider.  He wasn't smiling...he had a mean mug...if you know what I mean.  We were both waiting for traffic to clear and I could tell he was ready to go.  I was in no hurry so I though I would just let him go.  So when he turned to look to me after the traffic cleared I smiled and went to wave him to go.   To my surprise he broke the prettiest smile I saw all day and waved me though.  It brought tears to my eyes...
People in this town seem to always be in a hurry...they have serious trouble at 4 ways stops knowing who goes first so we often all sit there way too long...but I have been honked at more that one stop light just for not going as soon as the light turns...I know I know I should go right away, but for crying out loud it just changed....keep your panties on!    I do hope that everyone will try and smile more and not be so in a hurry.  Slow down...it will be there when you get there if not you should have left a little earlier.  We live in a fairly small town please enjoy it and don't ruin it for me!

took a break

So I took a short break...I needed a few days off and it was really a good thing.  My daughter and I were really having trouble connecting.  Nathan and I have changed the way we disciplined the children to be more in line with the way DCFS wants.  So both of the children are testing all of their boundaries. 

During my break...I got a chance to go to Hearts at Home.  I had a great time this year.  I always do.  I don't know if I'm going to next year though.   I think I will be spending my money on the conference up in Chicago next year instead for foster parents.  I really want to be the best parent I can be.  To my kids and to the one I don't have yet.

the tank top war

I really dislike being yelled at...I really dislike not being able to yell back...I really dislike being expected to not yell back by my husband.  It was a really rough morning in my house...my daughter decided it was tank top weather and none of her t-shirts we acceptable wear for school today.  Nathan also worked this morning which is out the ordinary...I don't know if that though her off or what was going on.   She was just bent out of shape from the get go.  She actually told me that she might not stay popular with the clothes she has right now...I almost laughed!
I told her no and got into the shower and was followed into the bathroom by a griping child...I told her to leave my bathroom...so she stood outside my bathroom and griped.  I told her to leave my room so she stood in the hall and griped.  That went on for five or so minutes before she figured out I couldn't hear her and then she called my name.  I told her I couldn't hear and she came back in the room and it started all over again...then  I told her to go to her room and get dressed.
At this point I was really loosing my patience.  She slammed her door.  She started crying and opened the door so I could see....once I saw that she wasn't dressed I told her she was going to be late.  It was 30 minutes later than we usually went down stairs and she was still in her pajamas and still yelling at me about her clothes. 
That's when my volume control was elevated ...at 50 minutes past the hour she was still yelling at me about a tank top...she needs new t-shirts...even though my mom is buy her new clothes this weekend and she has clothes that fit right now...my patience was gone.  She broke out in fresh new tears and I was ready to cry now too.
I did yell for a minute...but apologized right away.   I think that Catie may be having some growing pains and not the kind that she can feel physically.
This is going to be hard on both of us.  I have no idea how my dad did this...God Bless HIM!!!

grouchy girl

Catie and I went on a wonderful trip with her girl scout troop this last week.  I had such a great time and really connected with in a way we really needed to.  We clashed several times over the weekend though.  I am having such a hard time getting her to understand that the business of being nice even with her friends.  She seems to think that when she is with her fiends or out somewhere special she should get a free pass on social skills....guess I still have more work to do.   Thing got way worse when we got home and she was able to be comfortable ....she broke down to grouch and was simple a not nice girl....

dazed and confused

This new medicine has me kinda out of it.  Not really with it and really pissed off at times.  I am not even remotely an unintelligent person but this medication is making it hard for me to complete thoughts and make sentences and that is just baffling to me...
Just sitting here...trying to write my blog I am stumbling and searching for the words I want to use.  I am so angry that I don't have any control over this and don't know when or if it's going to get any better.  If the kids are making noise forget it...I'm never going to get out what I want to say...or do.

Caution: this post is not for the faint of heart

Now that I am public there are times I wish I wasn't!   I want to gripe and bitch and scream!   I am a mom and a wife and a daughter and I am dang tired sometimes of bring all three....usually not at the same time.  It isn't even related to being those things....I am just tired.  So tired.  I feel betrayed, by my body mostly, sometimes by my mind.     I am so pissed that between the insurance company, doctor's office and the pharmacy I still don't have a prescription for the medication I need.   
Life feels so good right now...but these stupid headaches are jacking me up...i want to cry.  I am in pain 30% of every day.  Some days it's more like 80%.  IT is so hard to enjoy the great things going on in my life with that much pain.....
WE have some many wonderful things to be thankful for...and I am very thankful for them.
How do people live for years and years with chronic pain?????   I don't know how to do this??????


On a brighter note my son has taken a sudden interest in drawing.....LOVE IT!
and he's leaving all the pages in the notebook instead of ripping them out and spreading them all over the house....

of two minds

I am super excited we got our home-study date today.  We are one step closer to being foster parents and yet I feel like I am reeling too....it seems like its so far away...but it's so not...it's only right around the corner.  Just a few weeks away...literally a few weeks away we begin the home-study and we will be that much closer.  I can't believe this....I can't believe this!  A year ago...I never would have believed that we would be foster parents.   And now I still am a little in disbelief but I almost can imagine not doing it.   I feel a sense of relief when I tell people about what we are doing...it's almost as if God is using me as a way to get word out.  That this is constant need...that it's something that most people are unaware of.


On the other hand I am super mad at my uncle who just can't keep his mouth out of anything ...he doesn't need to comment on the politics of Illinois anymore than I need to comment on the politics of Maine or  North Dakota.    So I am stepping off of Facebook for the rest of the day before I start a family feud or something...too bad though...I would like to announce my exciting news...guess it will have to wait till tomorrow.

politics on Super Tuesday

I hate to talk politic with anyone...I hate to share my views...I hate to state that I am not liberal...I hate to state that I am not conservative.  Mostly I hate having other people try and shove their political view down my throat!
I am very disappointed in the comments from a man who has no business making comments about a woman's choice to use birth control.   I very disappointed in the conversations taking place on-line and in person about a subject that has little to do with morals and more to do with population control and personal responsibility.   It is my firm belief that the only time birth control should be discussed by a man is when he is making sure his partner has what she wants.  End of discussion.
  Beyond that it's none of his business....should it be free...no I don't think it should be free, but it should be affordable and there are MANY forms of birth control.   Find one that works...if you can't it shouldn't be up to the government to tell you, that you can' t be sterilized either.    Gentlemen get your a** out of the conversation you have no business in it.

bracelet

Last weekend I went to the conference for foster parent and adoptive parents and people interested in both...while I was there I had a chance to visit many booth dedicated to educating people about children in the system here and abroad.  One booth had bracelets with names and ages of local children who need forever families.  I have looked at these children time after time and know that we can not help them because of our circumstances.  The idea behind the bracelets was you take one and pray that they will find their forever family.  So I took one of each...there were four...that was one for each of us.  I gave one to Nathan, Catie, and one to Alex.  Alex promptly gave his back he didn't understand and didn't want to loose it.  Catie is still wearing hers...she's such a good girl...I don't know if she praying for the little boys or not, but she sure does support the idea.  Nathan and I had to trade his was too small...but he keeps wearing it too. 
I only take mine off at night so I don't break it, but it reminds to pray for the child who needs a home now...the children we will be helping and the child we will one day make our own.  I hope until that day that child is safe...because until the day that the child come home to me...I can't be sure and that make me sad...

So if you see me with a rubber bracelet....feel free to ask my child's name...age and you can pray that child finds a forever home too.   You can also be praying for my baby out there that God is keeping him or her safe too.

the fade to grey

Recently some ladies I love were talking about how our society is allowing little things to slip in under the radar...little things that aren't so bad...really there not...are they?  OMG?  LMAO? Too short short on little girls ugly words on tv, radio, and kid's mouths.   Just little things.
  Not for me..not for my friends...well some of them...I cringe when I read facebook sometimes.  I type and delete messages all the time on facebook...I feel like calling people out on their poor parenting choices.  I know I can't tell people how to parent their children, but I have walked away from friendship because I knew that the parenting styles of other parents were so destructive they were taking me so far from the right road that I needed to cut ties.  It was so hard...and today it is very hard to see those profiles come up every now and then as people I might know in the recommendation.....yeah I might know her...but for my kid's sake I don't any more.  Some times I wonder and feel sorry...did I do the Christian thing...she always knew what I was about and never once made any attempt to find out, but was always trying to lead me astray.
 Today I try be the best parent I can...I screw up everyday...I admit that over and over....I am not proud of the crap I get my self into...but at least I am willing to go to God and ask for help and forgiveness.    I hope my children see my example and see that I am working on being the best mommy I can be and keeping on the straight and narrow and trying to stay away from the grey as much as possible...because every time we let a little slip up in and ok it...we let a little sin in. 

 don't let a little sin in...

quiet and dark

as I sit alone in the living room waiting for Nathan to bring Alex home from school...I have a few minutes to examine the feelings that I am having and have been having for the last few days.  One thing I notice...is I don't have an over whelming sense that God is telling us to stop the foster care process.   two I feel like the whole migraine issue will work it's self out with or without doctor assistance in the next few months as if whatever is in my life that is causing undue stress will just be gone.  and then we will be moving on...I don't know in what way...but some big change is going to take place and we will be done with something and moving on...don't know how...don't know where...don't even know if it will be a physical move...might not be.  We will see...but for now...I AM AT PEACE....FINALLY

diagnosis

I finally have a diagnosis from the doctor...Migraine with aura disorder. 

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/migraine-headache/DS00120
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/migraine-with-aura/DS00908

to have answers is wonderful.  Thank you GOD!

Now I just hope the insurance will come up with the right answers on medication.

keep on prayin

My concerns are so small compared to the other stories I've heard this week.  Mr Miles is not doing well.  He is not being taken care of and his health is failing.   On Tuesday he got worst instead of better and it didn't seem like the hospital was taking care of him.  I also had a friend email a pray request around from a family the Schuhmachers that has some major medical problems.  Cancer...and type 1 and no good prognosis.  I pray that these people can be healed. 
My husband was quick to tell me that my own medical problems are not trivial though and I should pray for some relief too...I don't remember praying for myself.  I guess I should be. 

So I will be praying for Charles, The Schuhmachers and myself.    God is big enough...