Why?

Last Friday I had a meeting with my agent from the agency...it was direct and to the point. One of my references sent in a copy of one of my blog posts that I wrote that basically made me look like a neglectful parent.   While I admit the period while I was having sever migraines I had a few that were bad enough I was concerned that I bordering on neglect.  I never felt like my kids were suffering...I was suffering...but they were not.  If there was ever a time that I felt I was unable to care for the children I did not hesitate to call Nathan and have him come home from work.  WE now have to have a plan in place for my migraines...I have to have it on paper...what I will do in the even I develop a sever migraine.
I also had to call my doctor and get a letter from him telling the state that I am fit to have my children and that I will be fit to have someone else's child...that was one of the weirdest phone calls I have had to make in a while.  I made it though...I feel like I am trying to swim up stream though...is this all for nothing....
Nathan doesn't know if he really wants another child and State keep going forward and then backward...I am unsure as to what to do...
I am even starting to question if this is even worth all the fight I am having to do...surly God has a reason for all these hold ups.   Does it maybe mean that we aren't suppose to be going down this road...or am I just hearing the devil's word and giving in to easy road because I don't want discord in my household?   I am so lost  and I need help and God is so silent right now...I need his help and guidance and I am just not getting it....