three kids in one house...

I am not sure I am ready for this...my parents brought my niece to visit this weekend...it's been one fight after another.   Mostly between my kids wanting to play with their cousin...but I don't know how this going to be any different with another child. My daughter is so head strong...this is going to be interesting.   We will see how this goes.

Foster care stalemate

My last three weeks I have been waiting for answers...I have not heard from the agency.  I have not heard from my agent.   I finally worked up the nerve on Friday to call and find out what was going on and found out that our agent is out of town or ill or something until the 15th of July.  I am loosing my mind. I feel like I am being tested to see what kind of patience I'm going to have with the agency when it comes time to deal with them for real.   This situation is so frustrating...but I will continue to wait and try to be patient.
My kids are doing a good job of planning how things will be when we have our other child...they are so certain that it's going to be a baby or it's going to a little girl...they each take turns making plans for what is going to happen...all we know for certain is that Alex is going to be a big brother.

scary realization

I came to a scary realization today...scary enough it if caused me to have a migraine.   We haven't heard back from the agency about the background check and it's a wait that is killing me.  Every day that we wait make me wonder are we going to get out license?  As I am voicing this concern to Nathan today, I ask him do we consider going back to the adoption plan if foster care doesn't work out?  He then reminded me that in the state of IL all adoptive parents are licensed foster parents first...so we have to get our license or we are not going to be to be parents to any more children than Alex and Catie.
I wonder is God preparing me for the idea that I am not going to have anymore kids...it's alarming!  I want a bigger family and I really want to be the hands and feet of God that reach out and help children in need.   These children in foster care desperately need help...my heart hurts for them.
So then my thoughts turned to the money that Catie just raised in the garage sale...what do we do with that if we don't have foster children?   I am going to leave it up to Catie, but I am going to encourage Catie to donate all of it, either in money or buying & donating something to a local agency.

WAITING!!! still

What the Hell??
I haven't heard anything in weeks...I keep waiting...and waiting ...and waiting.  My patience is really being tested quiet honestly.  Every single day I wake up and want to call out agency and check and see what is going on.  I don't know what to do!  I know we are waiting on one key piece of paperwork...an important piece of paperwork.  Nathan's background check is still on hold...we don't know why there is a hold on it. We won't know for sure until it comes in...why won't it come in????
So we wait!  Or I guess it's more fair to say I wait!   My husband doesn't seem to mind the wait...he just seems to go on with his life as if the wait doesn't bother him. My kids remind me daily that we are waiting...and it's driving me crazy.  We did all this work...and now we can't do anything...we are stuck in a holding pattern.  Just waiting...I am going to go crazy.

you don't want to eat meat?

My daughter has been flirting with vegetarian for the last year for over two years.  We have tried everything we could think of when it came to get her to eat meat.  She has made the choice over and over to choose to not to eat meat at school everyday.  She eats something called sunbutter (made from sunflower seeds)  everyday.   I offered to make her lunch and she has opted not to take a lunch.  
She will eat lunch meat at home.   sometimes....
If I say I am going to McDonald's she breaks down in tears though.   I have to wait until she is on a play date or at school to go out to lunch because of her allergies and food dislikes to eat out. 
This is getting ridiculous. 
I am just saying...it's really hard to have a child that is choosing to eat differently!   IT would be different if she had a medical reason but this is just a dislike....

retraction/ separation of class

I did something I rarely do...in fact, it has only happened one other time!  I retracted my post from earlier today.  I was in a bad mood and put out a post that was not appropriate for my blog.  Yes I said my blog would sometimes be messy and yes I said I might not always say things so nice, but I also need to keep my husband out of it.

With that said....I still think that there is a class system alive and well in our country and it's hard to overcome.   I pray my kids don't have to experience it too often as we frequent these locations that place them in them in positions that make them targets for scrutiny.

sepration of classes is still in effect here in America

Yesterday we went to my daughter's swim meet...it was a HOT day and we had to be there extra early for team picture and we decided to we would stake out a table...something we never do...we let the club set have them usually.   It was so hot though and the umbrella was a nice change.    As we sat there the other tables filled in and the one next to us had been saved with a bag by some girls as they came in for their family.   A few minutes later another family came in and found that all the other tables with umbrellas had been taken and saw the unmanned table and moved in...I watched in surprise and shock as mom...deftly moved the bag to a chair and spread all their towels and things out.   It was a thing to behold.  A few minutes later the young girls came back and found their things moved aside and were quickly apologized to, but what were they going to do...make them all move now?  I never saw anything like it in my life...
As we watched the meet many people greet my husband warmly (not because of the weather) they do love his food!   The family next to us kept making comments about isn't that the chef's? is that his wife?  does he have kids in the meet?  Then finally the father gets up and comes over and in the most condescending tone I have heard I think ever he tells my husband "it sure is nice to see you out enjoying the benefits of the club"   I have never felt so small as I did in that minute...sure we are staff family but my husband busts his ass 5-7 days a week at that club so assholes like him can eat at their whim and be assholes like that....
Sorry for my attitude...I really was mad and really mad that my kids were sitting at the table to hear that exchange....maybe it was just me...maybe my husband didn't hear it the same way...I don't think he heard all of the questions leading up to the final confrontation...but I certainly feel the seperation between the classes here in Bloomington sometimes...

Then there are other days that it just doesn't exist....my kids both have some good friends at the club and they really enjoy being there...but who doesn't?

So proud of my Girl...want to nominate my kid for cool kid of the week!

My daughter did what I didn't really believe she could do...she had a fundraiser.  She had a garage sale to raise money to buy new socks and underwear for our new child.  You see we are in the process of becoming foster parents and we don't know what we will be bring home so we would like to have a few pairs of each size boys and girls underwear and socks on hand.  She
She did a great job of arranging the sale and setting up the sale and even advertizing the sale.  The best part about the sale was her salesmanship.  It took some practice telling everyone why she was having the sale and telling them that prices were by donation....she was only a little afraid to say what she was doing.   Once she was on a roll she was gone! 
She only had one person try to take advantage of her...a little disappointed I had to step in...feel kind of bad...and still not sure I should have...it was a donation sale...but the lady was clearly trying to take advantage of my baby.  
In the beginning Catie told me she wanted to help other children besides our other child...she asked how she could do that...I told her I wasn't sure but I would think about it.  I didn't have to think long before she came back to me and said she had an idea...what if she gave some of the money to the agency from the sale...I said that was a great idea and we agreed on amount and she is taking them a check tomorrow for $27.15
I couldn't be prouder if I had two of her!  She make my heart sing and I am the happiest mom on the planet!

garage sales suck....

Can I just say that again!!!  Garage sales SUCK!!!  I hate having garage sales!   It's like a failing black whole and they are very costly and time consuming and draining and damn the piss me off!   I hate garage sales.   So when Catie decided she wanted to have a garage sale!  Sure no problem!
You can have one baby girl!   I am right there behind you!  It's all your responsibility though! HA!  Fat chance!  Here I am up late making signs...not enough sleep waking up every hour...in a bad mood...cranky and dealing with a bitching daughter who can't figure out why there are NO customers! Yeah I hate garage sales!   They SUCK!

Concerned

What if? 
We are heading to Kansas City on Father's day...to see my grandfather. He is very ill.  He has Leukemia and has a fever tonight....I am traveling one week from tonight....one week from tonight to see him....one week from tonight to be beside his bed and hold his hand.  I am scared....I am scared I am not going to get the chance to see him...I am scared I am going to get there and he is going to be gone.  That happened once before.
I am almost as scared to get there and see how bad he is...how sick he is...how consuming this disease is!   I hate it and I am sick of it!  It's taken too much from me and I am loosing someone else I love from this bold and awful disease.  
I am praying we make it in time...I need to see him and at least hug him and tell him I love him...I miss him.
I don't know what I am going to do without him in my life...I don't see him  that often...but I love him dearly and my kids love him dearly and they really know what is going on...and this is breaking my heart and their heart.
So I ask again...what if?

so weird

Have you ever felt like you have been black listed...I know the phrasing is bad...but that is how I feel right now...I made upset someone and all of the sudden her friends are all pissed off at me...it's kind of funny...but at the same time I feel kind of hurt too.  I thought some of there were my friends...guess not.  The ones who have not changes there behavior clearly are my true my friends.   The others I clearly do not need.

We are so close.....to foster care

So yesterday our agent came out measured our bedrooms....we are getting closer....and closer every day.    We got our background checks.   Nathan has something on his that is in question...don't know what...but we will get it worked out.  We got all of our reference letters in and all of our nosy questions are done...the classes are done.  WE ARE GETTING SO CLOSE!  I am getting excited~ and scared and nervous.  Nathan and I are reviewing the 123 Magic discipline system and going to implement that  right away.  We got a crib and a twin bed...I have been picking up kids clothes at garage sales here and there as I can.
Catie my sweet girl has decide to have a garage sale to raise money to outfit any child we take in...she's so sweet.   I love her to bits.   She also decided she wanted to donate some of the money to the agency because other kids need our help too....she so sweet.   I hope we raise lots of money so we have a lot of money to donate to the agency.

Angry!

Today I feel very angry!  My kids are behaving like street urchins and fools and the volume of their voices in general would make a nun want to swear like a sailor and the news I have received over and over again today has just been bad!  An old family friend is loosing his life after a massive heart attach this week...he is being sent home today to live with hospice...and has days maybe a week to live.  A pastor loosely related to our church has another failed adoption.  This makes three and a failed adoption is like a failed pregnancy...it's like being pregnant and going all the way to term and have a still born child...I grief for this family....this loss is strong felt though our college community and I don't know it will effect them.  Not to mention how it will effect this couple who so desperately want a baby...I pray they get some answers and some peace...they grief they must be feeling right now must be unbearable.   Whatever brought them to adoption was not an easy thing either....I am sure this has not been an easy battle for them...my thoughts and prayers go out to them...my heart just hurts and is breaking for them.  Lastly I have a very close family member who I cannot name that is facing cancer...this AWFUL~UGLY~NASTY illness has taken so much from me...I can't even speak the work with out almost being will.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to tell my kids...I am just barely able to wrap my mind around it myself....I am desperate with anger and rage at the thought of loosing this person.   This is not suppose to happen again!  This is not suppose to happen in my life again!!!  Not in this lifetime!  I have lost two people I loved so very much.  I don't know how this disease can be so vile and be so wicked and so quiet that no one hears it coming...it sneaks in and it rips families apart and leaves lives in shambles and children without mothers.  So I rage quietly my kids don't hear a sound...I tell them to behave and I set them in time out for misbehaving and discipline as calmly as I can,  but inside I rage!~   


thank God for my Blog so I can get out this pain...and not leave all of it inside...I spill some of the rage...some of the hate...some of the nastiness.    but at least it's not inside of me anymore...I feel lighter already....a few deep breaths and I will let go and this will have to be put to bed and out of my mind for a while because collectively...there is nothing I can to about all of this ugliness tonight.

are we going to loose are ablity to speak?

I was having a conversation with a lady at church yesterday and she said that a study had been done that most two year old had held a electronic device of some sort.   It got me wondering aloud if our child will continue to communicate the way we do in the future....with spoken word?   Then that worried me that we could evolve into beings that could loose the ability to speak and sing....that makes me so sad

about us

 A little bit about us....Nathan and I got married 12 years ago and wanted children right away and it was a struggle...we waited.  It was a little over 1year and half before I went to see a specialist.  With his help we had a beautiful baby girl a year and half later...and three years later her baby brother.  We thought we might want more but knew there was going to be challenges and we had to move here from Kansas City. We were excited and scared and not sure what the future held for us.  We knew that we didn't want to do fertility dance again and gave it to God.  We are very strong in our faith...and knew that God had a plan for us.  We had talked about adopting once we had our own biological children.  So our next step was to do some research the more we researched the more we knew that God was calling us to a bigger purpose.  So here we are today...becoming Foster parents and possibly adopting.  I couldn't be happier, I am still scared but life is full of surprises and God reveals things I never would have imagined in a million years.  
My daughter has decided to have a garage sale to raise money to help pay for the expenses of having a foster child.  She so funny and cute...and sweet.   Alex of course chimed in that he wanted to help...so he selling Popsicles... 
So here we go
again

Foster care...the last class

The last class is over and done...we are still not done with licensing and we are still no closer to being foster parents then we were two days ago yet I am hopeful.    The last meeting was a round table and panel discussion with professionals from the system and children who have been though the system and a biological mother who fought to get her child back out of the system.   It was so eye opening...not only did I want to take all of the young ladies home who where still in foster care but I felt a strong desire to give the biological mother a hug for all that she went though.   This system is flawed and we are just at the front end of it...we have a lot of work to do and this is going to be a hard road we have chosen.  We still have one tb test to go...Catie is not looking forward to that.   Neither am I....I think I may let her dad take care of that visit.

Nosy home-study questions

I am always a little freaked out by the nosy home-study questions...they just keep coming too.   My friends that have gone though the process assure me that this is normal...or at least I think those were assurances??? It is all so confusing and so bewildering and a little intimidating.  I really feel for the  agent too...she has to ask all the fun questions...like why didn't I seek counseling after I was prescribed depression medication before I had Alex or was it after I can't remember now.     And did I just quit taking the medication or did the doctor take me off of it???  Do people just quit taking prescribed medication without consulting their doctor?  That doesn't seem safe?   Then she started asking me questions about Nathan....poor Nate.  I already felt pretty burned so I was quick to pass the phone off...I didn't feel like I could answer his questions properly any way.  I did find that I need two more classes and those need to happen soon.  Those are up in Peoria also....boo....hiss....
We are working on selling my green car to save money to buy a new vehicle.  Nathan is going to get a scooter and ride it back and forth to work in order to save money on gas and insurance.    We will see how this goes.

Mother's Day/ Anniversary

My husband and I have been married for 12 years today!  I am so happy!  It's hard to believe that it's been 12 years...it feels like many more years and many less all at the same time.  I can't even explain that if I tried.  I am so ready to have brunch with my kids...I can't wait to have dinner with my family! 
I can't wait to celebrate another many years years together. 

To teach her to sew or not...that is not a question?

I was online this morning looking for a simple sewing pattern for my daughter's girl scout troop.   So I googled teach my daughter to sew.  Half of the entries that came up were don't teach your daughter to sew...she's a modern girl, don't teacher to sew... only a man would require her to know how to do that, don't teach her to sew, I did just fine without it...and all kinds of crap like that!  I was more than half offended!  Here I was trying to give my daughter and her fiends a life lesson and all these "well meaning" women were trying to discourage me because someone screwed them up.
    I guess we all are a little screwed up...but why tell me not to teach my daughter to sew because of your particular screwed up.  That's like saying don't teach your son to drive because my dad ran over my dog with his truck while he was drunk. 
Ok...I'm gonna get off my soapbox now, but darn straight be sure I am teaching those girls to sew this summer.

Stay at Home Mom

Why do people just assume I'm going to be at home since I'm a stay at home mom?   Just because I don't work doesn't mean I don't have things to do...I have a life and responsibilities for sure.  My children have things they are in and I have things I am involved in that take me away from the house several times a week. That is only more so during the summer!  So please don't just assume I am going to be at home and I am going to be here to wait for stuff you are sending or a phone call or anything else.
That does not mean I don't love you or I don't want the the things you have to offer it just means that like the rest of the world it will have to wait till I can get to it.
Love,
This Not So Stay At Home Mom