vaction and strangers

OK so Nathan and I both had strange experiences this vacation with strangers.   His first since it happened first chronologically.   We went to the luau at the Polynesian resort for dinner and the show...my dinner was all screwed up because of my pineapple allergy and our server was all in a tissy over it...yes I said tissy!  She was just bent all out of shape and worried I was going to get up-set.  No big deal I assured her over and over again....surely this has happened before...NO this never happen~~~They did eventually get it worked out.   The server was so glad that we were so understanding...I explained that Nathan was a chef and we understood that it's hard to make everyone happy at the same time...she reach over and planted a great big kiss on him....I think she was a little intoxicated.    I asked Nathan  "did she just kiss you?"   he shook his head yes and kind of looked stunned...All I could do was chuckle!

My stranger experience was on the way home.  We had a meal at the airport in Orlando and were sitting next a couple that had just had a vacation with their grandchildren.  They live in the city to the north of us and were traveling the same way so it seemed nice to sit and talk to people going the same way who had just had a similar experience...boy was I wrong.   The kids were having a great time...our dinner came.   The couple next to us had decided not to order any thing to eat...they were going to eat on the layover in Atlanta.  Nathan made a comment about if I didn't finish mine slide it his way...I knew I wouldn't finish based on how I've been eating so I pushed the peppers to the side for him and planned to hand over half.  The husband of the couple made a comment about handing some to him too...I though he was just being funny.  I ate my little bite and Nathan asked for a chip...so I just gave him half of mine.   I was really getting full...so I started to push the rest of mine away when the stranger to my right pipes up..."your not gonna finish that?"   "Well no I'm pretty full and don't want any more"  Then the stranger ask "can I have the rest of them then, and the salsa too"   "sure, your welcome to them"  
He then told me over and over how generous I was for giving him my left over nachos that were really not very good to begin with....I think he was just very cheap and didn't want to spend the money on his own meal!  

Vacation was a huge success and I had a great time...these were just two funny stories I couldn't help sharing!


 

scary

What would happen to us?  This week a family at church lost the father in a car accident.  For me those kind of moments cause me to examine what would happen to the kids and I if something if Nathan died in a car accident.  I am not educated I would have to go back to school.  I am not employed I would have to get a job.  We do not have saving...I would have to beg my parents for a place to move home and likely sell most of our possession in order for that to be an option since my parents house is full of possessions already.  I guess that would take care of some moving expenses???  Then my mind wondered to what would happen if we had more children...wow this will be harder!  Then of course my mind wonders to what happens if I die...where do my husband and kids go???  Do they stay here?  Does Nathan try and remain a working dad at the Country Club, or does he move to Springfield and get to know his family better?  Does he move to Kansas City and use my huge family as the large resource they could be?  So many questions and no answers...

disappointing

I keep disappointing people.  Until last night I couldn't figure out what was wrong.  I was late picking Alex up from school and didn't get Catie a slush till after girl scouts and I fall into bed exhausted at 11.
Nathan just looks at me and says I guess you are too tired...well yeah it's 11 and I have been up since 7 and had a busy day.  :(  Everyone is disappointed including me...I can't figure out what's going on...then it dawns on me that every time I started something yesterday it seemed it was just a little late.  Or maybe delayed...I think that maybe the new dose of medication has delayed my timing as if my timing wasn't already delayed by being a Kienzle already.  Now I need to really be paying attention to the time and looking at clocks and starting a few minutes ahead of when I would have before.  I don't know how I am going to do this....I hope I can remember...that part of my brain hasn't been functioning since this medication kicked in.  We will see won't we..

pictures

I am getting horrible about taking pictures.  I forget to take them.  I don't think any were taken of my birthday parties!  AAAAAAHHHH!!!!  I so wanted so proof that I had a thirty fifth birthday.  So if anyone happened to take a picture or two...please forward for post them...I know my brother took a not flattering one at 2 am...please forward, but don't post...little brother.  I love pictures...they show our true nature.  You can't always hide all your feeling from the camera.  You can hide some of them...you can hide most of them, but you can not hide all of them.   My children take great pictures...they have been conditioned to wait for me to take  their picture...I seem to always have a camera or my cell phone and am always taking a picture.  It's my responsibility as a mom to document every living breathing part of their lives...isn't it....Catie sometimes gets tired of it...but at other times, it's almost as if she is expecting me to jump out of the bushes and capture the little things...even the not so important things.   Sometimes I wonder if I have done her a disservice by paying to much attention to her sometimes???  Will she be able to to get along with out mom following her around documenting her every movement? She is very independent for the most part and would flip out if I followed her into the shower or anything like that....lol.  She's probably is perfectly well adjusted but just a little self centered as every eight year old is...I hope this wears off.  Alex on the other hand is not self centered he is Catie centered and is set on driving her totally bonkers.  My live is crazy right now! 


Why do we want more???

Grrrr!!!! Stupid insurance company!

I know they are they to provide support for people when the horrific happens.  Like cancer, heart attack or stroke, but I might just develop one of those while trying to deal with this company!
 Today Nathan ( Knight in Shining Armor) has made 4 calls to the insurance company and 2 calls to the doctors office.  Thankfully the doctors office has been VERY patient with me (us).
  The Insurance company specifically wants a call from the doctor...the doctor doesn't want to spend all his time on the phone with insurance companies so he writes letters.   Insurance company says they don't receive letters, but somehow are denying the doctors requests, can you deny something you didn't receive....I don't know if they ACCEPT telepathic request now or what....but the doctor's office had us call and get a fax number a name of a person to receive the fax and who would be responsible for the information should it get lost again.  Apparently without receiving these requests for the medication and the explanation  have no idea why I would need them!~   Feeling a little pissy today!
 On the upside I lost 10 pounds since I saw the doctor last...
 


So tired of the run around!!!

However at the recommendation of a good friend I will be calling and bugging the crap out of this company until I get what I need...they keep saying they they are not getting the letter for the doctor...but the doctor's office has faxed it over like 4 times already...so be prepared for me to get annoying HUMANA!!!

Getting older

I don't mind...it just means I'm still alive.... and that is a wonderful thing!  I'm getting wrinkles and sun spots and that's ok...I earned them.  I am not enjoying grey hair...mostly because it;s a slow progression...I think if it happened all at once I would be ok with it.  I don't like multi tonal hair.  It just doesn't suit me.  I feel aches and pains...some of them worst than others, but at least I know at the beginning and end of the day I am alive.  Today has been pretty much the same as yesterday...again...not tidal wave.  No tornado...and that is good news.  The up side is I feel like me and I think I am starting to figure out who me is.  In a few years I think I will know what I want to be when I grow up and have a career.  Until then I am content to be me and enjoy my day of thirty five.

Looks like it going to happen

On the eve of my 35th birthday I am looking back at the last year and tonight seems pretty anticlimactic really.  I don't know if I was expecting a tidal wave or tornado...but here it is and I am still here and couldn't be happier.  My life feel pretty good.  Dad and Marsha are happily married and have a great place to eventually retire.  Bill and Carol are happily living retirement near John and Michele but wish us closer.  Tim and Susan are in their own house with Anna and Ox and doing good.  Adam and Tiff have their place with their kids and Amanda has Barry and Hayden and one on the way.  John and Michele life quietly in Springfield enjoying their children.  I love my family...I enjoy my friends...both near and far.  I miss Kansas City for so many reasons and every-time we go home I try and show my kids a little more of where I grew up and where I am from....My hometown.  I have to admit pulling into our driveway it feels good to be in Bloomington...I LOVE it here.  I love the people.  I love our church.  I love our friends.  I love our "club."  I love that everywhere I go I run into people I know and they embrace me like an old friend and that feels good.   There is a deep part of me that never wants to leave.  Still there is a deeper part of me that knows I belong closer to home...closer to my peeps...closer to the family that know my story.
Celebrating my birthday with my family last weekend was really like old times.  I remember celebrating the hot summer nights at Grandma Sally's house till the wee hours of the night.  It was so much fun and so worth the drive home and so worth the headache.  I really miss my family, but mostly I am, really happy and glad this birthday is coming and going.
No tornado or tidal wave....

talking about the dead...

ok so I know I am guilty of this to some degree....so feel free to call me on it.   But I am REALLY starting to get upset about some people only talking to me about dead people.   I am alive and you are alive...lets be alive together.  Don't call me on the phone to talk about our dead relatives.  Don't cry every time you see me because I remind you of my mom....please I have to look in the mirror every day!   Don't show up and act like the only thing we have in common is dead people.  WE are ALIVE...breathing...living happy...hopefully healthy individuals.  I really might want to have a relationship with you but I am truly struggling with the idea that you are stuck in the past.  I am moving on.  I had to...if I didn't I don't think I would have survived.  You have to get out of that rut and you will feel so much better.  My life took a path I never EVER expected and I couldn't be happier...well maybe if I didn't have migraines.  The truth is.  I don't talk too much about my mom's passing because it hurts.  I know it happened...it will always be there.  She will always be a part of me.   I love her and she created me, but I have to move on. 
I have two children that depend on me to be alive and if I live in the past everyday I am in the past I am not spending the time I need to with them...I hope to show them who mom was without making a big deal out of the fact that she died but I know that will factor into how they relate to who she was. 
Mom is gone, but I AM NOT!  Talk to me now...about now or please don't talk to me at all....at least not right now....

write away...medical denial letter

Now I have to figure out how to compose a letter to the insurance company that conveys my need for the medication.   One of my medications is making it painfully hard for me to place words where they need to be in the order at the right time and with some kind of meaning...this will be a challenge but I think I am up for it.  With Nathan's help and God I can do anything.   I called the doctor today and they basically told me today this final denial there is nothing left for them to do.  I have to fight for my self....So I WILL!  I am sick and tired of this DARN headaches!  I feel like parts of my life are being cut off.  We can't have kids biologically any more...ok.  We can deal with that....it's painful, but it can be dealt with.  I have days where I can't function at all...I can't even move.  I get up just to throw up.  Nathan can't take a sick day every time that happens.  So sometimes my kids get to see mom at her worst on the couch with a pillow on her head and a bucket beside the couch.  On those days Catie makes dinner...they have peanut butter and jelly and apple sauce.  If they are lucky I have pizza rolls in the freezer and they don't have to have PB&J again.  Cause this may have happened just last week.
Thankfully this has never happened when Miles is here...for some reason...my headaches build though the day and don't hit critical until about 6:30, but by then my day has just sucked and everyone has felt how bad it is.  If you have ever been around for one of the bad one you know I am a bear when I don't feel good.
The truth is when all of our classes are over  and we are legal foster parents...it's going to be hard for me to say yes to the agency for placement of a foster child when I feel like a bad mother now...
I NEED to get this worked out with the insurance company and NOW!

WOW what a party!

Ok...so I am not 25 any more...but I sure did have fun partying all night like I was.  My dad let up party at his house until 2 am.   It was so much fun to see all my family and old friends.  I have missed them so much living so far away.  It was like a time warp.  It was so much like being back at Grandma Sally's house..yet so different at the same time.  Anyone that got experience both of those thing will tell you the same thing.   My husband keeps asking me if I had a good time...YES I had the best Time!  I really want to make that happen more often.  My kids seem to still be recovering...they don't often stay up as late as they want.  They both took naps yesterday and both slept late today.  Hope Catie does ok back at school today.
One thing I heard over and over again is that I seem very happy...and the truth is I am VERY happy.  Yeah some-days I wish we lived in Missouri or Kansas but the truth is I love living here.   It is safe and Nathan and I are very secure here.  I have changed so much over the last few years.  I am certainly not the woman I was when we moved out here.  I am so glad of that.   I feel so much more confident and and sure of myself.   I also know I can accomplish anything I put my mind to.
The last year has really been a challenge for me but I know that in time it will get better and I will be able to overcome this hurdle as well.  Everyday I feel like I get a little bit better.  If the doctor and the insurance company can a agree on a treatment plan than I will be set.  


I am a lot pissed at the insurance company about my medication being denied over and over again.  I can't figure out if it's the idea that they told me that is the kind they wanted me to use....rather than another kind or the the fact that they think they have a better idea than my doctor of how my medical treatment should be handled that makes me madder!

homestudy

In a little over three hours someone is going to come into our house and decide if we are capable of raising children...ours or anyone Else's ....that's a scary concept.   We have been working like dogs to make our house presentable.  How do you make you life presentable though???   What if one of the kids says something wrong or what if I answer a question wrong?  Or what if God forbid we store the bleach in the wrong place?   I am beside myself with doubt and Nathan is watching a cartoon with the kids.   *sigh  I wish I was a man sometimes...Life would be so much easier. 
So everything is as clean as it possible could be....I am not going to clean the windows and if that is what keeps us from having children in our care so be it.   God willing this will go smoothly and I will look back on this day fondly and think that was a wonderful day! 
I can hope!  
PRAY FOR ME!  PRAY FOR US!  PRAY FOR THE CHILDREN WE ARE TRYING TO HELP!
PLEASE!!!!

So thankful today...

So thankful for the things I have...There is a song that plays on the christian station here that says "In the middle of my little mess I forget how big I'm blessed"   Oh how those words ring true for me.  I feel like I am chasing my tail lately.   The laundry is never done...I am ready to burn it....but I am thankful we have cloths.  I need to get that though to my kids...they don't understand.  The house is never clean anymore and it is so important to me that it be clean.  We are so very, very blessed to have a place to live and when I start to feel better again I can worry about my house being spotless everyday.  Until then things will have to slide a little.  I have a cell phone that ALWAYS has one or two missed calls.  I can't remember to change the ringer to ring but I am very thankful to have a phone so I can call my loved ones when I feel blue or homesick.  The thing I am most thankful and hate today is the migraine medicine however.   It is turning my world upside down and I am so upset and pissed but ultimately thankful for the medication.   It is causing me to be a tad slow in thought process and it is REALLY irritating to say the least.  I feel some days like I am less in control of my life than I ever have been.  The upside is the migraines are getting better.  I am having them far less often and they are less painful and I can still function with one when I do have one.  So I am thankful for this medication.

Little Red Dog

So today I had to take Rusty to the vet.  He had to have his annual vaccinations so we can go out of town and have him boarded while we are traveling and such.  How can such a little dog cost so darn much money?  His vet bill is more than my regular doctor visit.  That is crazy and a little sad.  He's sleeping now.    He was crazy the whole time we were out...poor Alex is scratched all up on his legs.   We had his claws trimmed while we had him out too.  
Some days....that's all life is about...the little red dog...and I am very grateful for that.  
My head doesn't hurt.  My anxiety isn't bothering me.  We are broke but that never changes....if gas prices would stay normal maybe we would have a chance...lol

birthday anxiety...again!!!!

When is this going to go away!!!!!
So I sat down to compose an email to an aunt who hasn't responded to my birthday invite yet and a whole bunch of junk came spilling out...luckily I was able to rewind and edit before I sent and keep all the junk to myself....it's not nice to dump my junk on others....so I'm gonna dump it here.
  I don't usually make big plans to go back to KC for birthdays or have parties for myself for that matter, but for 20+ years I have been living with the black cloud over me that I wasn't going to make it to this birthday and that women don't live past 34...I know dumb right!  Well that's what happens when your momma dies when when your 14 and you start to make rules in your head about life.  Life is pretty good right now accept for the darn migraines that are ruling my life.  I know that they are a complete manifestation of my anxiety about my birthday.  I think I am just ready for everything to just be over and life to move on.
It totally sucks that mom is dead...it sucks that I can't control my feeling and it sucks that I have no control over these headaches. 
What I do have control over is my words and I am doing my best to control my words with my family, friends and strangers.   I can keep my thoughts on a leash and limit what I say to what need to be said and stop I will be doing good.

Smile :)

I believe that we could we could have a much happier world if more people smiled.   Yesterday I was driving and came to a stop next a a rough...and I mean ROUGH man.  He had his crew in the car with him. He had his beats and his classic low rider.  He wasn't smiling...he had a mean mug...if you know what I mean.  We were both waiting for traffic to clear and I could tell he was ready to go.  I was in no hurry so I though I would just let him go.  So when he turned to look to me after the traffic cleared I smiled and went to wave him to go.   To my surprise he broke the prettiest smile I saw all day and waved me though.  It brought tears to my eyes...
People in this town seem to always be in a hurry...they have serious trouble at 4 ways stops knowing who goes first so we often all sit there way too long...but I have been honked at more that one stop light just for not going as soon as the light turns...I know I know I should go right away, but for crying out loud it just changed....keep your panties on!    I do hope that everyone will try and smile more and not be so in a hurry.  Slow down...it will be there when you get there if not you should have left a little earlier.  We live in a fairly small town please enjoy it and don't ruin it for me!

took a break

So I took a short break...I needed a few days off and it was really a good thing.  My daughter and I were really having trouble connecting.  Nathan and I have changed the way we disciplined the children to be more in line with the way DCFS wants.  So both of the children are testing all of their boundaries. 

During my break...I got a chance to go to Hearts at Home.  I had a great time this year.  I always do.  I don't know if I'm going to next year though.   I think I will be spending my money on the conference up in Chicago next year instead for foster parents.  I really want to be the best parent I can be.  To my kids and to the one I don't have yet.

the tank top war

I really dislike being yelled at...I really dislike not being able to yell back...I really dislike being expected to not yell back by my husband.  It was a really rough morning in my house...my daughter decided it was tank top weather and none of her t-shirts we acceptable wear for school today.  Nathan also worked this morning which is out the ordinary...I don't know if that though her off or what was going on.   She was just bent out of shape from the get go.  She actually told me that she might not stay popular with the clothes she has right now...I almost laughed!
I told her no and got into the shower and was followed into the bathroom by a griping child...I told her to leave my bathroom...so she stood outside my bathroom and griped.  I told her to leave my room so she stood in the hall and griped.  That went on for five or so minutes before she figured out I couldn't hear her and then she called my name.  I told her I couldn't hear and she came back in the room and it started all over again...then  I told her to go to her room and get dressed.
At this point I was really loosing my patience.  She slammed her door.  She started crying and opened the door so I could see....once I saw that she wasn't dressed I told her she was going to be late.  It was 30 minutes later than we usually went down stairs and she was still in her pajamas and still yelling at me about her clothes. 
That's when my volume control was elevated ...at 50 minutes past the hour she was still yelling at me about a tank top...she needs new t-shirts...even though my mom is buy her new clothes this weekend and she has clothes that fit right now...my patience was gone.  She broke out in fresh new tears and I was ready to cry now too.
I did yell for a minute...but apologized right away.   I think that Catie may be having some growing pains and not the kind that she can feel physically.
This is going to be hard on both of us.  I have no idea how my dad did this...God Bless HIM!!!

grouchy girl

Catie and I went on a wonderful trip with her girl scout troop this last week.  I had such a great time and really connected with in a way we really needed to.  We clashed several times over the weekend though.  I am having such a hard time getting her to understand that the business of being nice even with her friends.  She seems to think that when she is with her fiends or out somewhere special she should get a free pass on social skills....guess I still have more work to do.   Thing got way worse when we got home and she was able to be comfortable ....she broke down to grouch and was simple a not nice girl....

dazed and confused

This new medicine has me kinda out of it.  Not really with it and really pissed off at times.  I am not even remotely an unintelligent person but this medication is making it hard for me to complete thoughts and make sentences and that is just baffling to me...
Just sitting here...trying to write my blog I am stumbling and searching for the words I want to use.  I am so angry that I don't have any control over this and don't know when or if it's going to get any better.  If the kids are making noise forget it...I'm never going to get out what I want to say...or do.

Caution: this post is not for the faint of heart

Now that I am public there are times I wish I wasn't!   I want to gripe and bitch and scream!   I am a mom and a wife and a daughter and I am dang tired sometimes of bring all three....usually not at the same time.  It isn't even related to being those things....I am just tired.  So tired.  I feel betrayed, by my body mostly, sometimes by my mind.     I am so pissed that between the insurance company, doctor's office and the pharmacy I still don't have a prescription for the medication I need.   
Life feels so good right now...but these stupid headaches are jacking me up...i want to cry.  I am in pain 30% of every day.  Some days it's more like 80%.  IT is so hard to enjoy the great things going on in my life with that much pain.....
WE have some many wonderful things to be thankful for...and I am very thankful for them.
How do people live for years and years with chronic pain?????   I don't know how to do this??????


On a brighter note my son has taken a sudden interest in drawing.....LOVE IT!
and he's leaving all the pages in the notebook instead of ripping them out and spreading them all over the house....