is this really meant to be

The closer we get to the date we start the classes for foster care the more intense my migraines are.  The closer we get to having another child the more frequent my headaches are.  Each day a question are we doing the right thing.  Is God giving us a sign that we just aren't reading???  It might be pretty clear to some people...my husband says I'm jumping to conclusions.   I need pray about it.  Of course he's right I do need to pray about it...but what if the answer is right in front of us right now, and we are just avoiding it because we want something else.  Wouldn't that be pretty selfish of us.   I can't see taking care of another child right now with the way I am feeling....I can barely take care of the ones we have....it's a challenge some days to get them both fed and into bed.   So I guess I will keep up with the treatments for migraines and pray.

these darn headaches

I've had migraine headaches since I was five years old.  They come and go.  They frequent my life during times of change and crisis and extreme weather.   I've seen a neurologist before...after having a 7 day migraine that put me in the hospital and almost subjected me to a spinal tap.  I was not excited about this last visit I have to admit.  I have been living with a guy for over 14 year who only kinda understands what I'm  going though...I am kinda resentful that he doesn't fully understand...and I think he is kinda resentful that I keep getting "sick"  with this illness that he can't see. 
It's so hard to describe to someone who has never had a headache of this severity how BAD it really is...that I hate to use the word headache...I hate to say my head hurts for fear he's going to make that face I know he's going to make. 
Even worst...it's happening so often these days half the time I don't say anything I just deal with it, because I don't feel like he really understand what it's really like...the words he says tell me that he doesn't understand...or at least he doesn't know how to communicate what he understands.  I am getting tired...tired of the pain...tired of the doctors...tired of the tears...tired of feeling checked out.
 
I want my life back and I want it back now...I don't understand what triggered this lapse in my migraines....I went for many years without having weekly migraines...they are becoming daily.  

I just want some relief....I am praying that the new medications that the doctor has prescribed will be helpful and not make me feel vacant... I am also praying that my insurance will pay for them...my insurance sucks...I am thankful for insurance though...because without it we would not have been able to afford the tests and doctor appointment last week...so there are some blessings.  

message

Some messages are meant to be heard and some are meant to be absorbed....today I feel like I absorbed the message.   The message just flowed so smoothly that it felt like the pastor had been preaching for years and years.  I never heard a pause never heard a hesitation...not even for a second.    The message that was so important...that I needed to absorb....practice faith.   that's it...practice faith  

Don't give up...keep after it and never stop believing...

With God's Grace I can...

The message from yesterdays conference was the same...OMGosh   I just realized that!!!!

With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...

grateful

I am working on being grateful this lent...not whining about the things I can have or don't have but being truly thankful for what I have.  I want to make sure that I don't just blather on and on about the things I am grateful for everyday.  I thank God for those things everyday.  I want to be thanking God for the things I don't usually think about.   I am going to start with my shoes.  I have more than one pair of shoes and I am very blessed.  I don't always feel blessed when I'm standing in front of my closet trying to decide which pair of shoes to wear.  I also have a pair of shoes....that puts me way ahead of most of the third world countries.   So today I am grateful for my shoes.

guilty

Is it because I am a mom...that I feel guilty so often about things I have said?  Or is it because I say so many things that I shouldn't say?
I walk around thinking I should apologize to Catie for this...or my friend for that...or Nathan for something else.   Then I wonder...if I apologize...would these people even know what I'm talking about?  Would the things I think I "need" to apologize  for be things that most people not even be offend by?
I spend way too much time analyzing this mess I'm imagine for myself...so if you are offended by me...please excuse my social disgrace.   I am not graceful in and way shape or form.

Thank God for his Graces...that's the only thing getting me though.

Ask me!!! Please!

I am dying to share what's going on in our foster care process....it may not be much from the last time we talked, but ask just the same.  I am excited and scared.  I would have told you last week.  That we finished with the many copies we have to make for the agency.  This week we had to sit down and talk with Catie about what she was expecting.  We found a note hidden deep in her school book saying she was scared.  I'm scared too...but soooooo very excited....so please ask.  I love to talk about what God is doing in our lives.
This weekend I am going to a conference in Carlock for parents of adopted children and foster children...I am so looking forward to it.

frustrating, scary and upsetting

I could just scream at my husband, but it wouldn't do any good.  I have this internal...not so deep struggle everyday with mortality and he goes and makes statements like "You would be just fine without me"  as in if he died.   I don't want to hear that it's almost like he's preparing me for something!  I worry everyday about how the kids would be if something happen to me...but until now it really has never occurred to me that something could happen to him and it could be me having to deal and the kids having to deal with the loss of a parent...just a different parent.  It's a valid concern...sure, just one I didn't consider....I was going to die first....not him.   CRAP!!!!

So now I have something new to worry about.  Thankfully he has been taking better care of his-self over the last few months.  It still concerns me when he chooses to have the extra pancake at breakfast instead of waiting.  I don't really have any control over what he does and it drives me crazy...but I'm not his momma and even if I was he never listened to her anyway.

I can pray for him and for peace.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

I just love that I have for six months at least I have been telling people and putting it on facebook that I am going to have my birthday party back home the last week of April and one of my cousins plans a house warming party for the same night.   REALLY???  Has to be that night???  Gonna invite all our family to another part of town to celebrate your new place on the same night as my birthday party...that I have to travel 482 miles to get to!!!!  REALLY???

OK so my husband has not sent out the formal invite yet!  That's his bad....Guess my party is being moved to Friday night.  I sure I'm invited to this housewarming party or I'm really gonna be pissed!

Rant done...sorry

visits

I love when my parent come for a visit...I wish it was more often.  I hate that they live so far away.  It is so stinking hard living so far away far away from home.  It would be so nice to have mom and dad near by.  I am so happy to just have them here for a few days though...it is so nice.  They came out for Catie's basketball game.  She is so excited she can hardly wait!  I wish my momma was here to see her...she would be so proud!  I miss my mom and it sucks some times.  I wish she could visit...

not feeling the love today

to be honest Valentines' day holds little appeal for me.  In all the years Nathan and I have been together we have maybe celebrated one together.  It seems to be  a day for other couples to celebrate their love for one another.  Just like Mother's Day...other mothers get celebrated...do I feel left out??? You betcha!  Can Nathan do anything about this???  Fat chance of that....so all the flowers and hearts and crap on Facebook today make me really want to throw up!!!!    Nathan does his best to make up the differences...he will be home for his afternoon break...I will rush off for Catie's school party.  When I get home we will quickly exchange gifts and he will run back to work to set up the romantic evening for everyone else!   
He did make me a beautiful carrot cake yesterday for Valentines' Day...It is yummy!  I guess that makes me feel a little better...

I miss my friend

I wrote something several months ago on here when I was hurt and angry.  At that time it was still more like a journal and very private.  This was originally started as a way for me to work things out in safe civilized environment. When I went public I should have removed that post.  I didn't because I figured my life isn't always hearts and flowers.  There are days that are raw and pain-filled and not pretty.  The problem is I haven't seen her since she found the post and contacted me about it.  I am sad...I truly miss her!  I don't know how to repair our friendship, makes me wonder if we even had a good friendship?  What can I do to make this right?  Should I call her or just leave it alone...is this even about me or has she just not been around because she's not been around????

to tell or not to tell???

So silly...I haven't said anything to our pastor yet about us going though the foster care process.  It's a journey and I'm not sure I'm ready to talk to our pastors about it yet.  My husband has other feelings about it.  He feels like our pastor is a pillar in our spiritual life and we should involve them in our life in such an important new process of our life.  It kinda feels too early too me.  Like it's before the pregnancy has began...like we are still trying to conceive.  Maybe I am looking at this all wrong and maybe he had this right from the start.  Maybe we do need to talk to our pastor/s and have them in this process with us.  This is definitely a spirit led process for us.  I need to give this some more thought and prayers and consider why I am withholding information...

foods and migraines

I have noticed a pattern lately that when I have a headache it is usually after I have eaten.    So I mentioned this at a meeting I was at and someone mentioned it might be a gluten allergy.  This is the second time I have heard this in the last few weeks and as much as I don't want to hear it,  it is something I have to consider.  So I decided I better start keeping track of what I'm eating and what happens when I eat it.  Well....I can't keep track of what I'm eating....I don't know why...but I have been able to write down what I have been eating right before I get a headache for several days.   So I did sit down today and look up links between food and migraines,    the closest thing I can figure right now is aged cheese...so I am going to cut out processed cheese for a few days and see how I feel.

God lights the way

Just love how God light's the way...when I am searching for what I need.  God puts the answers right in front of me.  This evening I was driving the kids to the church for family movie might.  Usually the kids would be loud and the radio would be low and I wouldn't be paying much attention.  This evening it was snowing gently so I made the kids promise to be quiet and I had the radio up a little to help them remember to be quiet.   One of the commercials was for local conference for adoptive parents and foster parents.  I have been searching desperately for just that sort of thing.  I attend Hearts at Home every year and as of yet I haven't seen any good information for fostering.   The only other foster conference I have seen was in Dallas and that was not an option as we don't live anywhere near Texas.  So I came home...Not only is the conference near by, it's on a week Nate will be available to be with our kids.  AND it's FREE!   

stupid birthday :(

So here I am...
My birthday is about 2 months away and I keep having this compulsion to have a illness and death plan in place should the inevitable happen.  this is how screwed up I am....I know I am not going to die before my birthday....well at least I am pretty certain.  Only God knows for sure.  But here I am this morning waking up and just as sure as the sun I feel like I need to have a plan in place for a disease I don't have and if that isn't crazy enough.  I go a step farther and have a plan for my kids after my death....I need to get some more sleep I think.

Clearly all the personal work and self exploration is not helped me as much as I thought it had.  I can do so much better than this.  I want to be planning my birthday party and not just this one...I want to plan my 50th and 75th and maybe even 100th.

so busy

We have been so busy this week...life has been in one door out the other...and only stopping to say "I love you" and exchange kisses every now and then.  I don't really feel neglected...I am part of this equation and equally running out a door.  It's just been so stinking busy.  Yesterday was Nathan's day off and it really didn't feel like a day off I'm sure, but we sure did get a lot done... I am still working on the projects we started yesterday.   I am almost done though.  Silly me though while in the midst of all the running I asked if we could paint the walls....so Nathan called the landlord...guess what...we sure can!  They will even pay for the paint....we just have to do the painting.

I am feeling the need for a yoga class or five...I guess I better get off here so I can finish the project that gets me a tv in the basement so I can do yoga in peace and quite in the privacy of my own home!


I still need to plan bible study for tomorrow so I better get a move on! :)

finger printed and back ground checked

I have never been so excited to have my fingers printed.   It was a wonderful day.  Nathan and I went to the Bone Center in ISU in Normal to get our finger prints taken and backgrounds checked.  It was so interesting...they don't use ink anymore.  It's all done digitally now...it was so cool to watch.  We are also one more big step closer to our bigger family!!!!  YEAH! 

Nathan also took me to Einstein Bros to get a cup of coffee~  yummmy!

babies

adoptuskids.org
I want to bring home a child so bad and I know that for us the most likely way for us to adopt is foster...but it just feels like it's going to take forever!  One thing I am very aware of is I am not long on patience.  I have been looking at the photo listings on adopt us kids...there are so many children that need good homes.  I wonder if there is a way to adopt one of these waiting children.   They need a home and we would love another child.   We will be waiting...until then...I will be praying and watching.

credit...a tricky thing

Isn't credit a tricky thing???  We lost that stupid house in Leavenworth screwing up Nathan's credit...yeah...it sucks!   My credit is still in good health but unless I get a job my credit isn't considered for a loan.  Nathan has a credit card and we use it to make purchases.  It is in pretty good health, but here's the question.   Do we use it regularly to make small purchases, and pay them off to stabilize his credit?  Or do we leave it alone and not use it to show that he is capable of keeping a balance at zero?  Of course there is always the question...if we do use it, do we pay it off before we receive a statement or after.     When I was working and had my own credit cards and didn't have Nathan if I charged something as soon as I got paid I went and paid off the card and as soon as I went to get my first car loan...I got a really great rate.    SO I think that it makes sense that I know what I am doing with our credit...we will keep working on it...and hopeful in a year or so we will be in a position to be able to change the car we drive and maybe in a few years consider a new house...without me having to go out and get a new job.   WE will see...

paperwork.....grrrrrrrrrr

Ok....so I'm gonna bitch just a little...I am so tired of the paperwork...I have been working on the paperwork for a couple of weeks every couple of days for an hour at a time.  I need to gather papers and more paperwork comes in the mail...we have to go get finger printing done....more paperwork....grrrrr.  We have to go get physicals...more paperwork...not us this time...the doctor...at least that's good.  I am just getting tired of writing...of course I probably wouldn't have a problem if I didn't have to rewrite Catie's order form for girl scout cookies over the last 24 hours. I need to make tons of copies too...both of the kids school physicals...and marriage license, car insurance, dog tags, and some other forms....just so much stuff!!!!  

On the top side....WE will have a child in our house when all of this is said and done.    My currant prayer is for that child that God is keeping them safe...until we can love them. 

all ok, but

Got my results when I went in to the doctor's today for another migraine.  Everything is ok...my scans are clear.  So why don't I feel ok?  Why does my head still hurt.  Why are my headaches getting worst...not better?
damn it!!!!  I just want to feel better...life is so much easier on everyone when I don't have a headache!

Nathan my wonderful, loving supportive husband took the rest of today off to take care of the kids and me...I know he didn't sleep worth a darn last night because of my headache...he ended up on the couch because he was snoring too loud...I feel like an awful wife.

This needs to get figured out soon...I cannot keep going on like this...I like having my husband in bed with me.