anxiety...is the state trying to kill me???

I am going to have an anxiety attack today...I just know it.  First of all Alex says he has a tummy ache...and I sent him to school anyway...any good mom would, right?    You can't keep them home for every little tummy ache.   So I had my phone with me in small group praying I wouldn't get the dreaded "come get your sick kid" call.  Instead I got a call from our agency.
Praise God in heaven!!!  It's been more than a month since we have heard form her.   Not great news though...she needs to meet with me...something in my background is not checking out...my background?  Boring old me??? I don't do anything...I once tried to take a condom from a Osco drug store when I was 14 as a prank and  got busted...and I learned my lesson...never again...I follow rules.   The most I do is swear and occasionally go to fast...and really I do even go to fast...the other people glare at me as they fly by me.  She said it was really nothing and not to be worried but what does that really mean...I'm going to sit here and stew about it for the next hour while I try and figure out what I could have done that could have come up on my background check that is so awful that she needs to come and talk to me about it.

Did you know that Dammit I'm Mad is the same front to back....I just love that...
I probably shouldn't but I do...and right now it fits...Dammit I'm Mad!

At least the school hasn't called to come get Alex, hopefully that won't happen....that would not be a good thing.

Be Bold, Be Bold

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Contact:

Sally Hawkins Stay at Home Mom

309-829-5029

Sallyrhawk@yahoo.com

[Sally Hawkins] will go bald to fight cancer on 11/2.

Joining thousands across the country in Be Bold, Be Bald! fundraising event.

[Bloomington , 9/18/12 ]  For many cancer patients, going bald is not a choice.  It is just one of the many challenges they face as they bravely fight the disease.  On November 2, [Sally Hawkins] will join thousands of people across the country as they put vanity aside, and wear a bald cap (shave my head) to show solidarity with those who bravely fight cancer and raise money to help fight back. 

The event is Be Bold, Be Bald!, a national fundraiser started by Boston advertising agency, Small Army, after losing its co-founder to the disease.  In just 3 years, the event has raised more than $400,000, with 100% of the net proceeds going to cancer charities.

By going about their day as usual - commuting on the bus, meeting with colleagues, stopping in the local coffee shop, or going to class – participants get a small taste of what many cancer patients face.  And, others can sponsor them for their bold move. 

“I watched my mom loose her hair and it was one of the hardest things a fourteen year old can go through.”

In its fourth year, Be Bold, Be Bald! Unites and supports more than 15 cancer charities, from The Jimmy Fund and LIVESTRONG to local charities such as Heaps of Hope, Pablove Foundation, No Stomach for Cancer, Michelle’s Fund and Jonsson Cancer Center Foundation. Participants choose the charity for which they would like to support and grants are made accordingly.  In 2010 and 2011, due to generous donations and support, each of the participating cancer charities received more than 100% of the funds raised on their behalf. 

My Charity is the Dr. Susan Love Breast Cancer Research foundation in memory of my husband’s sister Elizabeth.  I will also not just be wearing a bald cap…I am shaving my head and donating all my hair to Locks of Love.   My husband is also shaving his head in support of this movement.   I made this decision last year after my husband shaved his head.  

Be Bold, Be Bald! is managed by Small Army for a Cause, a 501c3 organization committed to helping raise awareness and funds for medical-related causes.  Small Army for a Cause was founded in 2008 by Boston Advertising Agency, Small Army, in honor of its co-founder, Mike Connell, a 2-time cancer survivor who lost his life to the disease in November 2007. 

Going private for a little while...

For those of you who read my blog regularly....I am choosing to not post my blog postings until the currant issue I have going on is dealt with.   It is far too private and far too close to home for me to put this information out for everyone to judge and weigh in on our business.   After everything has settled down I will put all of the postings up.   For the time being I will continue to write because it's how I work though these issues...
I will be here working on the problems mine, ours, and theirs...because we all have them...
Don't give up on me.   I will be back, just give me time.  I think it won't be long.  
For the time being this is one thing I have been studying.... I don't know if you will find anything useful in here...I did.
http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/maslow.html

oh my gosh

My husband has decided he doesn't want to have any more children!   I don't understand!  I don't get it!  I am so mad and I don't understand!   He was all in and now he's not!
Did the foster care process take too long?    Are we just done?   I am so upset!  I feel like I could burst into tears, but his parents are here and they would know something is up and I don't think he is ready to announce this to his parents.
I am pissed!   We worked hard to get licensed!   We aren't even licensed and don't even have it yet!   We are still waiting on it!  I really hate this!   I can't believe this!  Nine months ago he was all in and more convinced this was what we were suppose than I was.   And now he's just out...I don't know what I am going to do!
I still want kids and I don't think I can just shut that part of me off...I never stopped wanting another child.
WE have more talking to do...but it's going to have to wait...we can't have this conversation with his parents here...they will cloud the issue.
I don't know what I am going to!

what the hell????

it's been more than eight weeks since we had last homestudy....and no news.   I finally worked up the nerve to call our agency today and ask if there was anything I could do.   I was so scared to make that phone call.   I almost didn't want to make that phone call.   I was just sure that I was going to get bad news.   I talked to her so briefly...I got so little information that I don't know what was said anymore.  I told Nathan as soon as he got home what she said and he called to ask a question she told him something a little different.   I don't think that's a problem...I think I just miss understood and I am ok with that.
As we get further and further away from the homestudy the more defeated I feel and the more I feel concerned that we are not going to get out license.   I am just concerned that my family and friends are feeling a little bit like we have given up or like we just aren't going to proceed.  Really hate having to answer the question "so what's going on with your foster care?" with "I don't know"
Because we have no idea what's going on...because the State is broken and we have no answers.

STILL waiting...

I think the state is just making sure we really are prepared to wait out any crisis the future children they put in our home are going to put us through.   My husband even made some wise ass comment last night...he NEVER makes comment about how long we have been waiting.
It really has been a long wait though.  What was suppose to be a three week wait for our license  we are still waiting for...and it has been eight weeks tomorrow since our homestudy was finished.   Some days the wait is paralyzing.   I feel angry and let down by the system, but I can't help but wonder how any children are so let down by the system as well.   It is stupid  that it has taken this long to get anything done.   I pray things get moving.
It seems like out path has been so long and yet it hasn't at the same time...from the beginning of this journey till now it has been less than a year...but when we started it seemed as if it would only take 4 or 5 months and here we wait and it is driving me crazy!
 I don't know how this would have worked if we had went down the adoption path and and just did a homestudy and  adopted.   This is similar and different all at the same time.   I know way too much about the court system and too little about the adoption system all at the same time.   CRAZY!  I need more information! 
The fact that Nathan is getting impatient tells me that this is dragging on for too long...I hope this over soon...our lives need to move on.   We need to move on.  One way or the other.  NOW.