Angry!

Today I feel very angry!  My kids are behaving like street urchins and fools and the volume of their voices in general would make a nun want to swear like a sailor and the news I have received over and over again today has just been bad!  An old family friend is loosing his life after a massive heart attach this week...he is being sent home today to live with hospice...and has days maybe a week to live.  A pastor loosely related to our church has another failed adoption.  This makes three and a failed adoption is like a failed pregnancy...it's like being pregnant and going all the way to term and have a still born child...I grief for this family....this loss is strong felt though our college community and I don't know it will effect them.  Not to mention how it will effect this couple who so desperately want a baby...I pray they get some answers and some peace...they grief they must be feeling right now must be unbearable.   Whatever brought them to adoption was not an easy thing either....I am sure this has not been an easy battle for them...my thoughts and prayers go out to them...my heart just hurts and is breaking for them.  Lastly I have a very close family member who I cannot name that is facing cancer...this AWFUL~UGLY~NASTY illness has taken so much from me...I can't even speak the work with out almost being will.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to tell my kids...I am just barely able to wrap my mind around it myself....I am desperate with anger and rage at the thought of loosing this person.   This is not suppose to happen again!  This is not suppose to happen in my life again!!!  Not in this lifetime!  I have lost two people I loved so very much.  I don't know how this disease can be so vile and be so wicked and so quiet that no one hears it coming...it sneaks in and it rips families apart and leaves lives in shambles and children without mothers.  So I rage quietly my kids don't hear a sound...I tell them to behave and I set them in time out for misbehaving and discipline as calmly as I can,  but inside I rage!~   


thank God for my Blog so I can get out this pain...and not leave all of it inside...I spill some of the rage...some of the hate...some of the nastiness.    but at least it's not inside of me anymore...I feel lighter already....a few deep breaths and I will let go and this will have to be put to bed and out of my mind for a while because collectively...there is nothing I can to about all of this ugliness tonight.

are we going to loose are ablity to speak?

I was having a conversation with a lady at church yesterday and she said that a study had been done that most two year old had held a electronic device of some sort.   It got me wondering aloud if our child will continue to communicate the way we do in the future....with spoken word?   Then that worried me that we could evolve into beings that could loose the ability to speak and sing....that makes me so sad

about us

 A little bit about us....Nathan and I got married 12 years ago and wanted children right away and it was a struggle...we waited.  It was a little over 1year and half before I went to see a specialist.  With his help we had a beautiful baby girl a year and half later...and three years later her baby brother.  We thought we might want more but knew there was going to be challenges and we had to move here from Kansas City. We were excited and scared and not sure what the future held for us.  We knew that we didn't want to do fertility dance again and gave it to God.  We are very strong in our faith...and knew that God had a plan for us.  We had talked about adopting once we had our own biological children.  So our next step was to do some research the more we researched the more we knew that God was calling us to a bigger purpose.  So here we are today...becoming Foster parents and possibly adopting.  I couldn't be happier, I am still scared but life is full of surprises and God reveals things I never would have imagined in a million years.  
My daughter has decided to have a garage sale to raise money to help pay for the expenses of having a foster child.  She so funny and cute...and sweet.   Alex of course chimed in that he wanted to help...so he selling Popsicles... 
So here we go
again

Foster care...the last class

The last class is over and done...we are still not done with licensing and we are still no closer to being foster parents then we were two days ago yet I am hopeful.    The last meeting was a round table and panel discussion with professionals from the system and children who have been though the system and a biological mother who fought to get her child back out of the system.   It was so eye opening...not only did I want to take all of the young ladies home who where still in foster care but I felt a strong desire to give the biological mother a hug for all that she went though.   This system is flawed and we are just at the front end of it...we have a lot of work to do and this is going to be a hard road we have chosen.  We still have one tb test to go...Catie is not looking forward to that.   Neither am I....I think I may let her dad take care of that visit.

Nosy home-study questions

I am always a little freaked out by the nosy home-study questions...they just keep coming too.   My friends that have gone though the process assure me that this is normal...or at least I think those were assurances??? It is all so confusing and so bewildering and a little intimidating.  I really feel for the  agent too...she has to ask all the fun questions...like why didn't I seek counseling after I was prescribed depression medication before I had Alex or was it after I can't remember now.     And did I just quit taking the medication or did the doctor take me off of it???  Do people just quit taking prescribed medication without consulting their doctor?  That doesn't seem safe?   Then she started asking me questions about Nathan....poor Nate.  I already felt pretty burned so I was quick to pass the phone off...I didn't feel like I could answer his questions properly any way.  I did find that I need two more classes and those need to happen soon.  Those are up in Peoria also....boo....hiss....
We are working on selling my green car to save money to buy a new vehicle.  Nathan is going to get a scooter and ride it back and forth to work in order to save money on gas and insurance.    We will see how this goes.

Mother's Day/ Anniversary

My husband and I have been married for 12 years today!  I am so happy!  It's hard to believe that it's been 12 years...it feels like many more years and many less all at the same time.  I can't even explain that if I tried.  I am so ready to have brunch with my kids...I can't wait to have dinner with my family! 
I can't wait to celebrate another many years years together. 

To teach her to sew or not...that is not a question?

I was online this morning looking for a simple sewing pattern for my daughter's girl scout troop.   So I googled teach my daughter to sew.  Half of the entries that came up were don't teach your daughter to sew...she's a modern girl, don't teacher to sew... only a man would require her to know how to do that, don't teach her to sew, I did just fine without it...and all kinds of crap like that!  I was more than half offended!  Here I was trying to give my daughter and her fiends a life lesson and all these "well meaning" women were trying to discourage me because someone screwed them up.
    I guess we all are a little screwed up...but why tell me not to teach my daughter to sew because of your particular screwed up.  That's like saying don't teach your son to drive because my dad ran over my dog with his truck while he was drunk. 
Ok...I'm gonna get off my soapbox now, but darn straight be sure I am teaching those girls to sew this summer.

Stay at Home Mom

Why do people just assume I'm going to be at home since I'm a stay at home mom?   Just because I don't work doesn't mean I don't have things to do...I have a life and responsibilities for sure.  My children have things they are in and I have things I am involved in that take me away from the house several times a week. That is only more so during the summer!  So please don't just assume I am going to be at home and I am going to be here to wait for stuff you are sending or a phone call or anything else.
That does not mean I don't love you or I don't want the the things you have to offer it just means that like the rest of the world it will have to wait till I can get to it.
Love,
This Not So Stay At Home Mom