So my children both are in school full time...now what. When we lived in Bloomington I was volunteering a lot of my time in various ways...and my life felt very full. Here I haven't gotten as involved as I was in Illinois. In some ways that feels like a relief. I might have been experiencing some burn out in my life there...so much that I have taken a huge step back from taking on any roles here so far. In a month I plan to start leading a new small group. That will be rewarding one day a week. Not much else is going on outside of the house though. Here at home I am busy keeping things clean and in working order. I take care of the needs of my family and make sure my husband doesn't want for anything.
The problem is I feel a constant pressure to be more...do more and that my time isn't being used well because I don't work outside of the home. I hear things from family and friends that kind of lead me to believe I am not pulling my own weight. Like my job at home is not valuable because I don't earn an income. And since my kids are gone all day (6 hours) I must be doing nothing and need something to do. I feel heavily judged for my past ten years and my decision to be a stay at home mom.
So like any good worrier I am putting in job applications to find a part time job so I can pull my weight in our house. My husband has told me over and over that this is not necessary. I hear what he's saying and it's just not sinking in...did he say that because that's what I want to hear? Did he say that and it was almost a challenge to find a job? What am I doing??? I have no idea if I really want a job or if I am simply looking because it's what I am suppose to do...
I don't even know if I really want a job...
I know that at one time mothers did not work outside of the home...and their lives were full...they kept the house they made sure there was dinner and the house was clean and they lived their part in life. Some time in the last century it became ok for mom to step outside of the house and have a career as well...now it doesn't even feel like a choice.
I feel like I am expected to get out and pull my weight...the down side to this is huge.
If I step out and I get that part time job to fulfill the image that mom should have a job too...I will be still the person that expected to take time off if my child gets sick and the primary house keeper...that job doesn't change (Nathan works 9 am to 9pm) most days. So I will have my full time wife and mother job and now a part time job that I have to walk a tightrope with if the children are sick or out of school. What job is going to be flexible enough that I work only Mon- Fri and have all holidays off and can call in for a week straight when my daughter gets bronchitis or my son has the flu. And I can only work between 9 am and 3 pm.
I feel like I am having the worst dream ever....
I am failing at being a mom and a wife and I think it's all my own doing...I don't want to compromise and put my kids in daycare so I can have a full time job. Nathan already is gone from their lives most of the time...don't they need at least one full time parent?
When we moved I told Nathan I wouldn't work for the first year at all...so the kids could be settled and I could make sure that the house was running well. Well here I am 5 months in and since the kids have gone back to school I am feeling this invisible pressure to get a job...what the heck happened to waiting a year...and why do I feel this pressure to fit the ideal image of a mom these days?
When it comes right down to it...there is no right answer...I don't know what I am going to do...and unless someone comes to me with the perfect job that I work a couple days a week though the school year and have holidays off and can take time off for sick children I think it will be best if I wait till my one year is up and I feel more comfortable finding a more permanent maybe even full time job.