time heals

It's been a few weeks and I have had some time to think and pray.   Nathan and I are working on so many things and moving forward.  It's been a bumpy road as marriage sometimes is...well usually is.  We like most married couples have issues.  We don't hide from them...we work though them and work on them.   It has been interesting to me...the times that we have had the most trouble in our marriage have been the times when we didn't talk.  When we weren't communicating with each other very well.  The best times are times like these when we are in a crisis...yes in a crisis and really communicating.  Really depending on each other...the years after a crisis are often the deepest years for me.  We have grown so much together.   I love my husband deeply and I grow everyday in my marriage and I pray we can continue this trend.  

anxiety...is the state trying to kill me???

I am going to have an anxiety attack today...I just know it.  First of all Alex says he has a tummy ache...and I sent him to school anyway...any good mom would, right?    You can't keep them home for every little tummy ache.   So I had my phone with me in small group praying I wouldn't get the dreaded "come get your sick kid" call.  Instead I got a call from our agency.
Praise God in heaven!!!  It's been more than a month since we have heard form her.   Not great news though...she needs to meet with me...something in my background is not checking out...my background?  Boring old me??? I don't do anything...I once tried to take a condom from a Osco drug store when I was 14 as a prank and  got busted...and I learned my lesson...never again...I follow rules.   The most I do is swear and occasionally go to fast...and really I do even go to fast...the other people glare at me as they fly by me.  She said it was really nothing and not to be worried but what does that really mean...I'm going to sit here and stew about it for the next hour while I try and figure out what I could have done that could have come up on my background check that is so awful that she needs to come and talk to me about it.

Did you know that Dammit I'm Mad is the same front to back....I just love that...
I probably shouldn't but I do...and right now it fits...Dammit I'm Mad!

At least the school hasn't called to come get Alex, hopefully that won't happen....that would not be a good thing.

Be Bold, Be Bold

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Contact:

Sally Hawkins Stay at Home Mom

309-829-5029

Sallyrhawk@yahoo.com

[Sally Hawkins] will go bald to fight cancer on 11/2.

Joining thousands across the country in Be Bold, Be Bald! fundraising event.

[Bloomington , 9/18/12 ]  For many cancer patients, going bald is not a choice.  It is just one of the many challenges they face as they bravely fight the disease.  On November 2, [Sally Hawkins] will join thousands of people across the country as they put vanity aside, and wear a bald cap (shave my head) to show solidarity with those who bravely fight cancer and raise money to help fight back. 

The event is Be Bold, Be Bald!, a national fundraiser started by Boston advertising agency, Small Army, after losing its co-founder to the disease.  In just 3 years, the event has raised more than $400,000, with 100% of the net proceeds going to cancer charities.

By going about their day as usual - commuting on the bus, meeting with colleagues, stopping in the local coffee shop, or going to class – participants get a small taste of what many cancer patients face.  And, others can sponsor them for their bold move. 

“I watched my mom loose her hair and it was one of the hardest things a fourteen year old can go through.”

In its fourth year, Be Bold, Be Bald! Unites and supports more than 15 cancer charities, from The Jimmy Fund and LIVESTRONG to local charities such as Heaps of Hope, Pablove Foundation, No Stomach for Cancer, Michelle’s Fund and Jonsson Cancer Center Foundation. Participants choose the charity for which they would like to support and grants are made accordingly.  In 2010 and 2011, due to generous donations and support, each of the participating cancer charities received more than 100% of the funds raised on their behalf. 

My Charity is the Dr. Susan Love Breast Cancer Research foundation in memory of my husband’s sister Elizabeth.  I will also not just be wearing a bald cap…I am shaving my head and donating all my hair to Locks of Love.   My husband is also shaving his head in support of this movement.   I made this decision last year after my husband shaved his head.  

Be Bold, Be Bald! is managed by Small Army for a Cause, a 501c3 organization committed to helping raise awareness and funds for medical-related causes.  Small Army for a Cause was founded in 2008 by Boston Advertising Agency, Small Army, in honor of its co-founder, Mike Connell, a 2-time cancer survivor who lost his life to the disease in November 2007. 

Going private for a little while...

For those of you who read my blog regularly....I am choosing to not post my blog postings until the currant issue I have going on is dealt with.   It is far too private and far too close to home for me to put this information out for everyone to judge and weigh in on our business.   After everything has settled down I will put all of the postings up.   For the time being I will continue to write because it's how I work though these issues...
I will be here working on the problems mine, ours, and theirs...because we all have them...
Don't give up on me.   I will be back, just give me time.  I think it won't be long.  
For the time being this is one thing I have been studying.... I don't know if you will find anything useful in here...I did.
http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/maslow.html

oh my gosh

My husband has decided he doesn't want to have any more children!   I don't understand!  I don't get it!  I am so mad and I don't understand!   He was all in and now he's not!
Did the foster care process take too long?    Are we just done?   I am so upset!  I feel like I could burst into tears, but his parents are here and they would know something is up and I don't think he is ready to announce this to his parents.
I am pissed!   We worked hard to get licensed!   We aren't even licensed and don't even have it yet!   We are still waiting on it!  I really hate this!   I can't believe this!  Nine months ago he was all in and more convinced this was what we were suppose than I was.   And now he's just out...I don't know what I am going to do!
I still want kids and I don't think I can just shut that part of me off...I never stopped wanting another child.
WE have more talking to do...but it's going to have to wait...we can't have this conversation with his parents here...they will cloud the issue.
I don't know what I am going to!

what the hell????

it's been more than eight weeks since we had last homestudy....and no news.   I finally worked up the nerve to call our agency today and ask if there was anything I could do.   I was so scared to make that phone call.   I almost didn't want to make that phone call.   I was just sure that I was going to get bad news.   I talked to her so briefly...I got so little information that I don't know what was said anymore.  I told Nathan as soon as he got home what she said and he called to ask a question she told him something a little different.   I don't think that's a problem...I think I just miss understood and I am ok with that.
As we get further and further away from the homestudy the more defeated I feel and the more I feel concerned that we are not going to get out license.   I am just concerned that my family and friends are feeling a little bit like we have given up or like we just aren't going to proceed.  Really hate having to answer the question "so what's going on with your foster care?" with "I don't know"
Because we have no idea what's going on...because the State is broken and we have no answers.

STILL waiting...

I think the state is just making sure we really are prepared to wait out any crisis the future children they put in our home are going to put us through.   My husband even made some wise ass comment last night...he NEVER makes comment about how long we have been waiting.
It really has been a long wait though.  What was suppose to be a three week wait for our license  we are still waiting for...and it has been eight weeks tomorrow since our homestudy was finished.   Some days the wait is paralyzing.   I feel angry and let down by the system, but I can't help but wonder how any children are so let down by the system as well.   It is stupid  that it has taken this long to get anything done.   I pray things get moving.
It seems like out path has been so long and yet it hasn't at the same time...from the beginning of this journey till now it has been less than a year...but when we started it seemed as if it would only take 4 or 5 months and here we wait and it is driving me crazy!
 I don't know how this would have worked if we had went down the adoption path and and just did a homestudy and  adopted.   This is similar and different all at the same time.   I know way too much about the court system and too little about the adoption system all at the same time.   CRAZY!  I need more information! 
The fact that Nathan is getting impatient tells me that this is dragging on for too long...I hope this over soon...our lives need to move on.   We need to move on.  One way or the other.  NOW.

living in a vacuum with the kids at school.

Now that both of my kids have gone off to school I have this void in my life....I always assumed I would go and get a job.  As I sit here today I am stuck in this weird vacuum though.   Between not having the option of going to get a full time job and really wanting to do something.  The kids are gone and there isn't a whole lot for me to do a round the house...yes I could make it a little cleaner...but some people in my life already think I am anal about how clean I keep my house.   The kids really aren't aloud to keep their rooms as messy as they would like and the living room never looks very lived in.  The only room that ever looks used is the kitchen...because we really use the kitchen.   The laundry is in constant motion...that really never stops...that would get harder if I had a j
job.

The truth is if I get a job and we get our license and then we get a child (we want all of those things)  I'm going to have to quit my job.   I don't want to work and have a child at home!   My job is being a mother.  When all my children are in school then I can entertain the idea of having a job outside of the home...but right now...my job is mom...and right now...I just feel lazy for not doing a job.

This is really killing me.   I walk around the house looking for the kids and looking for stuff to do.  Thank goodness I still have Miles a couples days a week or I would go crazy cats all together!  

Fertility...still a hot button for me.

Three babies born this weekend all under different wonderful blessed circumstances.   Don't ya know it was already a hard weekend for me to get though with grandpa dying and all, and then all these babies are born.   And then everyone wants to know how our adoption/foster care is going...well to be honest it's not going!   I just wanted to crack all weekend!   I want to throw a temper tantrum like a three year old...because I can have what I want...another baby.

I am broken....

My body will not reproduce and everyone else seems to be able to make babies...yes I have to beautiful children!   I made them...but they took hard work and tears and more hard work and too many nights of counting and planning and unsexy, unloving, get it done now to have my kids.   I don't want that!


I'm angry at my body after all these years it is still betraying me!   It has betrayed me since the beginning of my marriage!  I try very hard to fix it...yet I know deep in my heart there is nothing I can do to truly fix it...it is broken, I have to accept it and move on.  I though I had.  I try I really do.  I want this adoption!  I want foster care so badly!  I want to help these children so desperately.  What I really want is to make our family whole.  I feel like we are missing someone...just one person is missing...and until they are here...we are not whole...


and I am broken...

Whoo Hoo! Finally!

Got on the scale this morning and I am down 28 pounds from the beginning of 2012!  Yeah!  I was so excited and a little shocked and not at all sure it was accurate and made Nathan come and weight his self to make sure the scale was working...sure I knew I had already dropped 25 pounds over the last 6 months, but three more over the last week.  So he trots into the bathroom jumps onto the scale. I look at his weight and he goes "yep, it's right."  I got back on the scale and did a little happy dance!   Yep it's right!
The biggest achievement for me so far was that I now weigh less than Nathan.  I have never weighted less than Nathan...I have always been a few pounds to several...to too many pounds to count heavier than Nathan and it has always distressed me.  AND now I am NOT!
I will never reveal my weight publicly ever...but I know that I can be proud of the effort I am putting into loosing this weight.  My body feels better and my life will be better and I will last a lot longer because of it.
I sure hope this trend continues!

lost grandpa today

8/22/12
Today Catie woke me up all chipper and bright eyed.  She was ready to go.   I was not.  I usually am not.  I do not wake up well.  I am not a morning person.  I do not like being woke up fist thing in the morning.   But there she was "mom I didn't have a nightmare, mom my head didn't hurt.  Isn't that great?"
"Yes Catie that's wonderful!  Now go away and let me sleep until my alarm clock goes off at 7 and then we can talk about your head. "
Nathan at this point sensing my my distress rolled out of bed and shooed Catie out of our room and whet to shower.   Our alarm went off and Catie returned to talk some more...you have to be kidding me!   Go away kid!
Now my phone is ringing!  What the hell is going on? Nathan is bringing me the phone>>>

"Aaron"...
Yeah?
"Are you a wake sweetie?"
Huh??? he has never ever called me that he is two years my junior...
"It's dad..he passed at 5am this morning."
ok
"we are going to have the service this weekend"
"at Larry's"
ok
I'll be there



So surreal and so quick...so strange.
I can't believe he is gone...he was so strong and so stubborn and like a light he's just gone.

Figuring out these allergies

So Catie's allergies have been my daily challenge...and I have been making a big stink about it!   Yes I know I gripe too much!  It's what I do!!!   I don't know what else to do...she is frustrated because all these foods she could have previously she can no longer have.   She is now allergic to them...it's like I have taken half of her childhood away.   If she had never tasted them I think it would be different for her, but she knows what she is missing.   The upside to all this is...we are all eating a much healthier diet because of this allergy.

I have been reading every label.  Most processed foods have dye in them...so I am having to make so many things from scratch.   The food tastes so much better the kids eat better.  Alex is making a fuss because it doesn't look the same but it sure does taste better...as soon as I get him to take a bite he usually loves  what I have made,  it's getting him to take a bite that is usually the hard part. 

Catie is missing the junk food...the Doritos, Twizzlers and M&M's of it all.  We have had to look very hard to find the fruit snacks that are 100% juice not dyed so she can have fruit snacks like other kids too.    It's hard work being a mom sometimes but I'm willing to do it for my little girl.

Today is the last day before school

8/19/2012
School starts tomorrow
I am just a touch excited!   And a little bit misty at the thought of my little guy going to school tomorrow!  It's his first day of kindergarten!  I will be at home all alone three days a week!   I will have such a clean house!  I won't know what to do with myself....wait...maybe I will.  I will have time to read and crochet and draw and write to my family and blog and clean my house and visit friends and dust the cobwebs out of the corners and so many other things that I have been missing over the years.
Not to mention...maybe this is the reason God has been putting the foster care license on hold for so long is just waiting for the kids to get back into school so I have time to dedicate to another child.
I will also miss my Catie too...although we have not gotten along quite as well as I would like this summer...it seems to be a growing split between us.    I hope we can work this out and it's short term and not a growing problem.   We seem to be growing further apart as she gets older rather than closer together.
I love them both so much and I want to make sure that I keep trying to connect with them on different levels as a parent...and not try and become a friend.   It is so hard to be the mom.  

talking with my dauther about the birds and the bees

UM MMMMM MMMM ok....really.....well....right now???? I think I have somewhere I have to be right now.....no really.
Just Kidding I am the one who brought the conversion up.   Nathan and I were watching a television show with her something about a wedding dress in Atlanta.  I don't know the name of the show...but she could spout out the name I am sure...it's on TLC.   Anyway a commercial for a new show coming on this fall about teenagers going to high school with their babies.  My daughter with eyes like saucers turns to us and asks how did thoses girls get babies in high school?
That's when we knew we had to have a conversation right away!   So I have been putting it off just a little bit.   I asked her earlier this week if she knew how mommies got babies?   She said  "Mommies and Daddies kissing and I have not done that yet"  and blushed deeply.
Poor little thing...I asked if she had heard anything at school about sex or messing around or anything like that?   Nope!  No!  What does that mean?
So we are going to give the very basic info to keep it very simple...I want to keep her ahead of misinformation.
I also am taking the time to remind her that she needs to keep her body good and clean and put on deodorant.  She also needs to be educated on warning signs of infections in her girl body...now that I don't bathe her I can't make sure she is clean and free of infection...if she get's yeast infection she has to be able to spot that on her own now.
Lastly I need to make her aware of the hazards of predators that would abuse her naive nature to get what they want and break my little girls heart in the process.   It happens and far to often it is the young lady from the good Christian home that is caught off guard because mom and dad have done a poor job of educating her for the real world.   I hope that we can mix our Christian values with common expectations and keep her safe and Chaste.
She's a good girl and head smart...head strong and open-hearted I just hope that combination will keep her safe.  

Facebook -politics- media

I am super picky about who I allow to be my friend on Facebook...not just anyone makes the cut.   I don't accept all friend requests and I will cut people if they are bringing me down.  I don't need that.  Mostly the people on my Facebook are people who I want in my life.  A few people I will be cut the next time I go though and make Facebook cuts again.   There are some people that I cut them and in a few months they message me that they want back in...haha...here lies the problem.  I know them and love them and have known them my whole life.   Don't really want them in my life any more because well we just aren't in the same place  any more????
Anyway that isn't where this post was going.   I keep my Face book page pretty private and only the people I want around me.  I like and respect these people.  I respect their opinions.   As we creep closer to election time I am noticing more and more political ads...not political commentary but negative ads.   I see enough of the negative stuff on TV that I am a little concerned that I am seeing it on Facebook already. 
I am considering putting a post up on Facebook letting everyone know that I will be taking the political season off from Facebook, but then I miss a lot of goings on when that happens.   So my next best option is to let everyone know that I will just be blocking anyone that puts up a negative ad until after the election.   That way I just don't have to see them.   Then after the elections I will unblock anyone I had to block and everything will go back to as it was.
I don't think this will include political commentary, because most of the people on my Facebook I have enough respect for I can respect the political leanings and understand why they say the things they are saying.   I am also adult enough not to hold anything they are saying against them. 

grouchy girl

I am feeling a great deal of stress with my coming from little girl today.  I think she has got a bunch of hormones rolling around inside of her.  She is all cranky and truly pushing my buttons. I know that her body is all rolling out of control and she doesn't know what is going on.  Her little mind is racing and freaking out and panicking and the idea of being all grown up...when all she wants to do is play with her dolly.   All day yesterday she played with her dolls  and all day today she has been griping at me...it's like having a teenager in the house with a split personality.   Tomorrow she will want to play with toy cars or something.  I know in reality she has very little control over this, but it sure is making my life awful hard....we seem to butt heads more and more everyday.   I'm not sure why I want more children.   The idea of having more hormones in this house just is baffling to me, but just as sure as I sit here I want more kids. 
She is sitting across the room from me and I can see the anxiety and anger and bitterness in her.   And right now there is nothing I can do for her.   I need to wrap my arms around her and give her a hug but she just won't let me....I'm not even sure it would help.

Teachers...and classmates, we find out today

In a few minutes I get to take my kids to find out who there teachers are and who are in their classes.   I am excited...I think Catie has forgotten.   It is going to be so nice to have an idea of who a better idea who will be teaching her.   I have had some anxiety about her allergies so knowing who her teacher is might make it easier on me.  I would like to sit down and talk to her ahead of time about things she can and cannot have ahead of time.   I also need to have a list made up.
I am so excited to see Alex's list too...he is so ready for school!   I am so ready for him to be in school.  I feel GUILTY typing that but this summer has been so hard.  He has tested me every way possibly could this summer and I am very ready for a break.  I love him so much and I know I am going to miss him and I know I am going to feel crazy without him at home, but I think this is the perfect time for him to go to school.
I am so excited to have school start...I am so excited to have time to be at school and help out with the classroom as much as possible can!   I never have been able to do this before!  I am so excited to do this!

grandpa is dying

He relapsed...he has pneumonia and sepsis...he has decided to not fight it and go home and hospice will be stepping in to take care of the rest.   I am distraught to say the least...I found out on facebook last night.  My uncle put a post up announcing the development and I found out with all of his friends and the rest of the world.
I am suppose to be his favorite granddaughter but seems I get no notice and the fact that I live 395miles away is no big deal to anyone but me.   I will have to make travel arrangements and worry about when and how we will get there.
I am so glad I took the trip to Kansas City when he was ill before.  I need to call him soon and talk to him if he wants.      I need more to talk to Mari and make sure that she understands that I need a few days lead time so I can travel home for the funeral.

THIS SUCKS and there isn't anything I can do about it.

struggling with my daughter's food allergies

Red dye...
after a particularly rough summer and adding red dye to Catie's food allergies, we are struggling.   She is finding that lots of foods that she loves she can't have any more.   The list is grow and daily we come across stuff that she can no longer have.  
It reminds me of the shellfish all over again!
This list is worst though...most processed foods have some sort of coloring in it these days.  I have had to look at every label and many more than I expected have red dye in them these days.   Even worse is at the restaurants we have had to ask about  most ingredients and more and more have dye in them. 
Between her shellfish allergy, her vegetarian streak, and the new red dye allergy...we might as well call it a draw and just eat at home.  It's just getting to hard to trust that someone else isn't going to hurt my baby.

I need to assemble a list a things that Catie can't have for her teacher to have on hand...but that will be so incomplete...that I am REALLY hesitant to even send it.

I also am suppose to send snacks for her to have for birthday parties...so when other kids birthdays happen she can have a snack because most birthday cupcakes have red dye. I am going to have to find a good snack for her to have on days that the kids have a snack that she can't have. 

This all so complicated....I am just so glad it's not one of the major foods like wheat or milk or eggs.

Hate being repremanded by other parents!!!!

Was at the good old "Golden Arches" today for a play date...much needed time out for mommy!   My kids were playing pretty well today and to there credit they weren't fighting with each other for once.   My son came running up to me and told me that he was having trouble getting into one of the pieces of equipment because there were two children in it being mean.   So I told him to go find his sister to ask her for help.   She was sitting right in front of me and I said..."hey can you go help your brother out?"   My thought being take care of your little brother.   I want her to get in the habit of watching out for him...they are both going to be at school together this year...I was expected to take care of my little brother and he took care of me.
A few minutes later this big guy comes over and puts these two kids in front of me and asks me why I sent my daughter to disciple his kids and was that the way I wanted to handle that situation?
I was blown away!  I hate confrontation...I use to thrive on it...anymore it just upsets me and makes me sick to my stomach.   He said he overheard my conversation with my son and didn't approve of the way I handled it.   Really???  You don't approve???   Too bad mister! I have kids and you have kids and I get raise mine the way I want and you get raise yours the way you want.

As he was walking away I asked him if he had preferred if I had climbed up in the playland and sorted out the nonsense for the kids...or let them work it out themselves.  He didn't respond.  I followed up by telling him that I try and let my kids deal with their own disagreements themselves.

I don't get involved...because really their boss is not going to appreciate it if I call and try and straighten out a misunderstanding or disagreement...their girlfriend in high school or college isn't going to want to talk to me when they have a fight.   They boy friend isn't going to take a break up from me very well...although it might be easier on my child that isn't the best thing for them.   Life is full of times when we have to deal with things that are hard and we have to deal with it our self.

Yes I had Catie help him!!!   But if I had a boyfriend that was bugging me that I didn't know what to do...I wouldn't go to my dad....I would have called my brother...in a heart beat...that's what brother's are for.   IT was a teaching moment for my children and do I feel guilty???  Nope!   AM I upset???  You betcha!   I was talking to a good friend who I don't see often enough and I like and respect her.
My husband and I are in the process of becoming foster parents and want to adopt.   Lastly my parenting ability was called into question.

I stand by my decision...but dang it....why did that dad have to be there....in reality the kids didn't have any problems...Catie said the boys said they weren't coming out so they went into the other plane and Alex was fine with that.   Two minutes later he was back down on the floor running around like a racer....his kids didn't even get bumped from their spot...he was just being a butt!