Getting older

I don't mind...it just means I'm still alive.... and that is a wonderful thing!  I'm getting wrinkles and sun spots and that's ok...I earned them.  I am not enjoying grey hair...mostly because it;s a slow progression...I think if it happened all at once I would be ok with it.  I don't like multi tonal hair.  It just doesn't suit me.  I feel aches and pains...some of them worst than others, but at least I know at the beginning and end of the day I am alive.  Today has been pretty much the same as yesterday...again...not tidal wave.  No tornado...and that is good news.  The up side is I feel like me and I think I am starting to figure out who me is.  In a few years I think I will know what I want to be when I grow up and have a career.  Until then I am content to be me and enjoy my day of thirty five.

Looks like it going to happen

On the eve of my 35th birthday I am looking back at the last year and tonight seems pretty anticlimactic really.  I don't know if I was expecting a tidal wave or tornado...but here it is and I am still here and couldn't be happier.  My life feel pretty good.  Dad and Marsha are happily married and have a great place to eventually retire.  Bill and Carol are happily living retirement near John and Michele but wish us closer.  Tim and Susan are in their own house with Anna and Ox and doing good.  Adam and Tiff have their place with their kids and Amanda has Barry and Hayden and one on the way.  John and Michele life quietly in Springfield enjoying their children.  I love my family...I enjoy my friends...both near and far.  I miss Kansas City for so many reasons and every-time we go home I try and show my kids a little more of where I grew up and where I am from....My hometown.  I have to admit pulling into our driveway it feels good to be in Bloomington...I LOVE it here.  I love the people.  I love our church.  I love our friends.  I love our "club."  I love that everywhere I go I run into people I know and they embrace me like an old friend and that feels good.   There is a deep part of me that never wants to leave.  Still there is a deeper part of me that knows I belong closer to home...closer to my peeps...closer to the family that know my story.
Celebrating my birthday with my family last weekend was really like old times.  I remember celebrating the hot summer nights at Grandma Sally's house till the wee hours of the night.  It was so much fun and so worth the drive home and so worth the headache.  I really miss my family, but mostly I am, really happy and glad this birthday is coming and going.
No tornado or tidal wave....

talking about the dead...

ok so I know I am guilty of this to some degree....so feel free to call me on it.   But I am REALLY starting to get upset about some people only talking to me about dead people.   I am alive and you are alive...lets be alive together.  Don't call me on the phone to talk about our dead relatives.  Don't cry every time you see me because I remind you of my mom....please I have to look in the mirror every day!   Don't show up and act like the only thing we have in common is dead people.  WE are ALIVE...breathing...living happy...hopefully healthy individuals.  I really might want to have a relationship with you but I am truly struggling with the idea that you are stuck in the past.  I am moving on.  I had to...if I didn't I don't think I would have survived.  You have to get out of that rut and you will feel so much better.  My life took a path I never EVER expected and I couldn't be happier...well maybe if I didn't have migraines.  The truth is.  I don't talk too much about my mom's passing because it hurts.  I know it happened...it will always be there.  She will always be a part of me.   I love her and she created me, but I have to move on. 
I have two children that depend on me to be alive and if I live in the past everyday I am in the past I am not spending the time I need to with them...I hope to show them who mom was without making a big deal out of the fact that she died but I know that will factor into how they relate to who she was. 
Mom is gone, but I AM NOT!  Talk to me now...about now or please don't talk to me at all....at least not right now....

these darn headaches

I've had migraine headaches since I was five years old.  They come and go.  They frequent my life during times of change and crisis and extreme weather.   I've seen a neurologist before...after having a 7 day migraine that put me in the hospital and almost subjected me to a spinal tap.  I was not excited about this last visit I have to admit.  I have been living with a guy for over 14 year who only kinda understands what I'm  going though...I am kinda resentful that he doesn't fully understand...and I think he is kinda resentful that I keep getting "sick"  with this illness that he can't see. 
It's so hard to describe to someone who has never had a headache of this severity how BAD it really is...that I hate to use the word headache...I hate to say my head hurts for fear he's going to make that face I know he's going to make. 
Even worst...it's happening so often these days half the time I don't say anything I just deal with it, because I don't feel like he really understand what it's really like...the words he says tell me that he doesn't understand...or at least he doesn't know how to communicate what he understands.  I am getting tired...tired of the pain...tired of the doctors...tired of the tears...tired of feeling checked out.
 
I want my life back and I want it back now...I don't understand what triggered this lapse in my migraines....I went for many years without having weekly migraines...they are becoming daily.  

I just want some relief....I am praying that the new medications that the doctor has prescribed will be helpful and not make me feel vacant... I am also praying that my insurance will pay for them...my insurance sucks...I am thankful for insurance though...because without it we would not have been able to afford the tests and doctor appointment last week...so there are some blessings.  

Slant...a book with hidden tears

Wow...is all I can say.  I started reading this book for UMW reading program, I figured it would be a quick read...possible teach me something about international adoption.
I didn't expect it to be about a girl who lost her mother to cancer and what it's like being a teenager, not having a mother and having dad start dating again.  Talk about touching on some tough still tender issues.  Good grief...it's been 20 years, but this book has touched a cord....

To be continued.......