Disappointed

Damn the luck!!!   I am feeling a little let down and a lot disappointed.  We had so many goals and some of them seem to be slipping though our fingers.  We(I) wanted another baby!  I wanted to be pregnant one more time.  I wanted to feel new life growing in me...but God is clearly not letting that happen.  Everyone around me seems to be pregnant.  Or has had a new baby in the last 24 months...crazy!  Why can't it be me. 
Nathan has also been seeking a job closer to home and in the same town as his brother and parents.  We have never lived in the same town as his family.  I was really looking forward to it.   The job he applied for would be perfect for him and our family.  He has emailed the GM several times and I just am feeling like our opportunity may have passed. 
And the black hole of a house...our Leavenworth house is just a waste of time any more.  We know it's not going to be ours...not two ways about it.  It's just a drain on us. 



I feel so warn down...and a little bit like a failure!  How is it that I can't conceive a child like everyone else?  Why can't we catch a break on a job closer to home and why is that darn house still a thorn in our side?  

I know I am doubting God!   I hate that!  I know God has plans for us!  I know his plans are not my own...I would just really like some calm in my life!

I need to pray about this some more, I know.  So I will pray!

promise of something good to come

Nathan has a phone interview with a country club in Springfield this afternoon.  i am so excited...the timing couldn't be better.  If he get the job in late spring we could move sometime over the summer.  I could also continue to work from home until we move.  I think that I need to be careful not to get my hopes up  however.  It is likely that nothing will come of this and we will be here another year until something comes open for us to be able to more closer to home.   My parent and Nathans parent are all very excited to think we might be moving closer.  I look forward to being able to tell them that we will be going back home.   It seems that this is all happening at just the right time...Nathan was told about the job opening before it was advertised and that has to mean something...he also found out about a job at a resort in branson too.  I am so proud of my husband...I can't say how awesome it is to have such a wonderful, exciting husband!
I ♥ Nate!

pretty good

Still feeling pretty good...nothing has changed.  We still are loosing the Leavenworth house.  We still have no money and I still need to loose a massive amount of weight. One of my friends from high school put on her facebook page today that she chose to be happy.  ME TOO!  I choose to be HAPPY!  I can do that.  I know that the other things are not within my reach right now, so I am giving them to God and choosing to be happy.

Stop work

I just started a new week...things look and feel different.  I know that they are not, but they truly feel different.  I am only working for Stephanie and Joe for a few more weeks, and I have someone lined up in the next week to come and interview me for summer care.  I also have someone else inquiring into fall care for their infant.  It's good to be in demand.  I stopped working on the worship team yesterday.   I am sad about that, but feel a great sense of relief.  I am not required to be at church at 9:30 to set up any more.  I can go to traditional service if I want and I can stay for the whole thing.  I can sit with my husband during service and enjoy contemporary worship.  I'm going to miss being involved in the creative parts of worship.   I also am going to miss some of the people on the team.  I am very glad for what this means for my family.   It's going to be less stress and more energy.  I feel so much better....already!

Saturday

Why does one day of the week mean anything different from the rest of the week if we don't have anywhere to go the rest of the week.   

Yesterday was a bust...got a call from our insurance agent that our insurance was being canceled.  I called Nathan and tried to talk to him about it, he listened but had to go.  His work take priority,  I can understand that...it's our sole source of income right now.   I am looking for a new child to watch but until I get another child to watch we really need to watch our p's and q's.  So hard!  

Shortly after I called Nathan he called me back and said the bank had countered the offer that we had put in weeks ago.  It seems we had to negotiate to get the house sold.  We agreed to pay the difference between what the bank would sell it for and what the buyer was willing to pay.   The bank declined!

REALLY?!?!?!?  You have to be kidding me!  We can't win can we?  I am at a loss.  I give it to God and things don't get any better.  I know I am showing a lack of faith,  but dang, when is it going to end?

I do know that God sees the bigger picture.  We are learning our lessons too.  I am so sure we won't be buying a house any time soon.  We also need to do a better job of controlling ourselves so that we don't keep being in this position.   

God please help me learn self control!

New job

I have to tell Cooper's mom and Dad that I can't watch him anymore...I'm not making any money anyway.   I also have two parents wanting childcare for their infants.  It makes more sense for me to take a couple weeks off and do summer care.  After summer I can wait till one of these babies is born and have a new baby to play with.   Maybe this is the answer to my prayers...maybe I don't need another baby.  Maybe I need to just care for someone else's newborn.   Good grief...who am I kidding.  I want another baby.   This is feeling pretty right though.   Just talked to Nate about this...he wants to pray about it.  I'm ok with that.  We can both pray about it.  I will be praying!!!!

Holy Crap

Can't even imagine how I am qualified for this job.  Catie just fainted in my arms...so scary.  I have no idea what I would have done if Nathan hadn't been home.  Thankfully he was.  He called 911 and got the paramedics to come.  So far she is fine.  She seems like her little old self now.  She has a doctor appointment to check and see if anything is wrong that we need to be concerned with.  I'm still a little shaky...to scary seeing someone you love faint for no reason.  The blank look on her face, the feeling her body tense and release.  It was just so scary.  Now she's watching Tom and Jerry, like nothing happened.

What a difference

Truly what a difference one day makes.  It is so nice to spend a day with my husband.  We still had Alex with us, but we had a great day together.  One of those days that you just don't want to end.  We didn't do anything special. We had breakfast and went shopping.  Then we had lunch and did some more shopping.  We didn't need anything in particular except hair goop stuff, but it was refreshing and restful.  It always feels like therapy to go to a big box store and shop.  Not because I love to shop, but because I see other families exposed.  You know they aren't all at their best.  Everyone has seen the Wal-mart photos.  It's very real in those stores.  Kids misbehaving, people spending too much money, people not agreeing on what to buy...you know just life.  It really puts things into perspective for me.  I realize the problems I have aren't really that big, just mine.  I can work through them.  I just need to just make the effort.  I need to communicate issues that are bothering me.
I had a friend come over for coffee today...it was wonderful.  Why don't I do that more often. I have great friends...really good supportive people who care about me.  They also don't care that I have issues.  They take me for who I am not what I am. 
I need to focus on that more often...
Life is good, I need to just look for the good instead of the bad.

the next day

The questions remain the same....who am i and why am i here...
I may never know the answers to my questions...that scares me.  Will I go though this whole life unbalanced, unsure and uncertain.  I have a future.  I am exploring how I get there. 
As a mom my goal is pretty simple and straight forward,  to make whole happy people form these children God has entrusted me with.  I wonder everyday am I doing permanent damage to my children by being the person I am.  I am angry a lot and tend to not be nice to my children...especially my little girl.  I don't know why I do it.  Maybe it's easy because they are little and they are and easy target.  I try so hard to protect them from the evils of the world but am I more of a problem for them than the "bad guys" of the world.  I want to be the sane mom who is a good role model.  I don't want to be their tormentor.  I want to gain some peace with my daughter before the teen years take their toll on us.  I want more than anything to be the kind of mother my kids want to have friends come home with them and want to stay. 
I have so many concerns about how to to this raising kids thing.  I know I'm not doing it right.   I have a little girl who rages at me sometimes...I have a little boy who knows when he's doing something wrong and still does it anyway.

Then there is my marriage....most days I feel pretty good in my marriage.  Then are some days when the doubts creep in...
Am I doing this right, does he really love me, what if he wants a healthier wife(emotionally and physically)   What if he falls out of love with me and see who I really am.

that's pretty damaging stuff.  I want to trust fully in my marriage.  things have happened that make me doubt it sometimes.  Doubt both of us.  I know that I love my husband...that has never changed.  does he love me....yes!  I know he love me too, but why? 
Why does he love me? 
I never will no why...not sure why anyone loves me...

two

who am i and why am i here?
This world is full of truly smart wonderful people who know what they want from life and how they are going to get it.  I don't know how I fit into that.  I am a mom and a wife and do some child care on the side.  Not too much to get excited about.  I always intended to do something important with my life.
When I was in the eighth grade I wanted to be a lawyer.
That dream is gone.  My mom got sick that year.  Things changed.  She had been sick off and on for what seemed like forever.  She went to the doctor a lot.   She had ear infections, tooth aches and head aches.  She was angry a lot.  She yelled a lot and I felt like it was my fault.
When the doctors finally told her what was wrong...it was too late.  She was too sick to get better.  The doctors tried...they made her sicker faster.
I was young and scared...what if I did something wrong.  What if the times I had argued with her had made her sick...hmmmmmm.
I know now that isn't possible.  She had cancer.  I knew it then, but still we always seemed to fight.   
That last few months were short...too short.  I didn't get to say the things I needed to say.  I didn't get to grow up with a mommy.
WHY????
WHY ME......
am I going to repeat this cycle?

beginning

 I trust you won't judge me too harshly.  I have spent a lot of time trying to figure me out.

My life is pretty much a drama of my own doing.  I am angry and hurt and feel like people don't hear me.   

I spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself...that makes me sad.  I want to move forward...

I want to change me so I can be happy and my family can be happy.  I know what I do in my life effects everyone around me.  I have spent all of my adult life mistreating my body.  For that I am sorry.  I am leading my children down that same bad road.  I am going to change for them, but I want to change for me first.

I am exploring my options.  I can change my diet and exercise....sounds so easy.  I have for more than 20 years tried to change my diet and take the time to exercise.  I'm not motivated and don't feel like I can do it. 

am i worth it?