That boy and His Birthday! Alex is 6???

A root-beer float on his birthday 

Long standing tradition
 donuts on your birthday!

It can't be can it?  I can't have a six year old infant can I?   Where did the time go and what happened to my baby?  He grew up with out my permission I might add...
I try not to wish away the days and let him be little...he is my youngest and until we have a third (like that's ever going to happen) I need to enjoy every minute of every day.  That is very hard to do when he is now six and still having toilet training issues....grrrr but that's another blog page.
He had his birthday party on Sunday and it was so much fun....we had it at home...his idea.  He wanted balloons and streamers......ok...we can do that!
   I got all the decorations at the dollar tree.  Just $35. to really go over top on the house...that included all the cups plates, napkins and party favors.   I baked cupcakes.   Nathan iced...it helps he's a chef...but really anyone could do what we did...Alex wanted sprinkles.   Blue and white since sis has a red dye allergy...red dye is made from crushed red bugs...(ew) so we avoid it most days as a whole.  He's pretty sweet to think of her though.  I got banners and hanging signs and a table top thing...it was birthday city at our house.  The streamers are still up...
The games Catie and I thought up..and Alex approves...Powerade bowling, Straw and pipe-cleaner crown building, and straw balloon racing.  It was so much fun and the kid had a good time too!

Alex was less than a good sport at times...but most kids are his age...we are working on it...he seems to have picked up a few bad habits at school from a little boy that we think just is not a good influence... isn't that always the case(smh) well it just won't work in my house.   1.2.3 to your room man.

All Christians are not the same...please don't group us together!

I read something on facebook about Christians being angry about God not being in the classroom and that was the reason he allow the horrible act to happen in CT ???The thing I read was from an Atheist who was questioning why a Christian would question God's motives for letting such a violent act take place ...and responded right away...we should be troubled...that people see us Christians this way!!!!  I am not that Christian....

It concerned me that an atheist was bringing these things up...because I was at first a little bit bent outta shape that he was telling me how to think about my God then I was like wait a minute he has a point.   There have been a ton of posts over the last few days about God not being at our schools and that's reason this horrible event took place in the schools and that's why it keeps happening.   
I have great faith and I know with the core of my being and I am sad to the very tip of my toes that so many people have taken this view.   I pray everyday when my children walk out that door that God goes with them.   I ask my children regularly if they pray at lunch.   I know my children are children of faith and God is with them.  I believe that God was with every one of those children that  cold morning and comforted them and their parents.   I believe God was with the children who were scared and angry and crying.  I even believe that God was with the gunman.   
My faith is not based in this government view of what is and isn't ok in the schools and I don't believe that the schools are responsible for educating my children about religion.  That's entirely my responsibly.   After all I don't want anyone to tell my kids anything that doesn't fit our theological ideas.    God is in those classrooms and he doesn't need an invitation ...he never left.  Every time we send our children into the classroom we need to remind them that God is with them...and God's love is everywhere.   

Merry Christmas.... the photos

We celebrated Christmas at the club today...it went mostly ok...neither of the kids wanted to eat.   Both of the kids behaved fairly well.  Catie isn't feeling well this year.  So we waited till the very end to be the last ones to visit Santa...we didn't want to spread any germs.   It also made it easier to keep Alex at bay if he was going to act up given the fact that he knew Santa was a guy in a suit this year.  No problems though.  He went up and talked to the big guy and told him what he would like and it went really well.  Catie still isn't feeling well...but she has been to the doctor...just a virus.   It will pass and there isn't much we can do for her accept treat the symptoms.  So we will.   So here are the pictures...I hope you enjoy them as much as I do!

nearly perfect...

Life feels so right right now...but something is still missing!
We have things moving all the right direction...Nathan is doing so right at work and I am doing really well at work.   We have been making the effort to get our debt paid off and paying for our purchases with cash instead of credit.   Life is moving forward here in Illinois so quickly...we are making great strides.  The kids are involved in sports and church and Nathan and I are involved in church as much as we can be,but something is still missing.   I feel like life is on hold and we are waiting.


We are waiting for that first call...we are waiting for the end of the year..we are just waiting...and I don't know why.  So many thoughts pass though my mind and I pray I am not letting something important pass me by.


The kids are ready for Christmas...I screwed up on Tuesday and told Alex that Santa isn't real :(  We were at a event where we were putting bags together for families that weren't going to have Christmas without this help and he was just not being very helpful.   I sat him down to explain to him that we needed to do this to make sure that these families got Christmas...he said "but what about Santa Claus?"  Next thing I know the words Santa is a Myth popped out of my mouth...    My goodness that put our whole life in reverse for a few days...we even had a little bit of a regression in potty training.   He really was broken hearted...I really wish I could have taken it back as soon as the words came out of my mouth...but now that I have told him...I feel better...we will see how it goes tomorrow when he actually goes to see Santa and tell him what he would like from Santa for Christmas.     He tells me he is going to go and sit on Santa's lap still...so will see.  
I did sit down with him this morning and explain to him that daddy and I are Santa to him and that he and Sissy get to be Santa to us forever...and Santa gets to live forever in us.   He seemed to like that idea and things turned around.  

Catie and her cough

When you have a cough and a red dye allergy you  have a problem.   Catie has had a cold for about two weeks and we have had to resort to old remedies.   She has had hot baths and honey.   She has tried heating  pads and more hot showers.   The poor child has just had a hard time of it.   She has been pretty cranky and not very easy to live with.  We have been working very hard to keep her calm and try and manage the angry little girl.   Yesterday I had enough.   I took her to the minute clinic and found out she had a virus.
 "Yeah a Virus...we can't treat the cough I tell the nurse...she's not getting any rest.  She's not getting any better."  She looks at me funny....I then explain that all cough syrup has red dye and comes in pretty pink, ruby red, or florescent orange.   The nurse agreed that Catie needs to rest so she calls over to the pharmacy to find out if there was red dye in script she was going to send over.  "Oh good! Finally!  Catie is going to get some relief from this cough!"
"Good news no red dye"  she says..Catie is good to go and we head out.
The cough is better today but her stomach is hurting and she threw up this morning...so my little girl is home with me today...yeah...I don't like sick days, but at least she isn't coughing as much.

UPDATE:
We had to go to the hospital last night because Catie spike a high fever...and had a severe fever.   She woke up with a upset stomach and I called the ask a nurse line and they sent us in to the hospital.   She made it to the hospital before she got sick.   They let us in right away.  The doctor ordered x-rays and anti-nausea medication.   She also got a big dose of motrin.   She started to feel better right away...still just a virus, but it's run amuck in her system and making her life hell.  So she needs an antibiotic...guess what those are all red too!   Oh crap!  We sat there for 25 minutes going back and forth over what she has and has not had...it took for ever...mostly because she is never sick and we never have to use them so we didn't know what she had taken last it had been so long.  She is feeling so better today!

My Alex today...my challenge today!

I love my little green eyed monster to the end of my being...he is my everything....but he is my biggest challenge in the mornings. It's his personality to do everything but what he suppose to be doing that gets him into trouble.   He's a dreamer...always off in his own little world.  I know he hears me because he talks to me and he interacts with me.  It's just sometimes he's not.  He goes and plays and does his own thing and pretty soon he's not dressed for school...that lead to missing breakfast and being late for the bus...thank goodness he can grab breakfast at school.
 When he's being quiet I forget he not doing what he's suppose to be doing like eating breakfast and all of the sudden, I ask "where's Alex"...Catie is never quiet sure either her answer is usually "in bed?"  
I suppose his ability to play alone is a good thing...but I just wish it would be at good times...like after school when his sister is trying to do her homework or when there is something Nathan and I need to do like make a grocery list.   Those are the times he is running around and screaming for attention...with a capital A!  The boy can make some noise!  He is so loud I remember asking Nathan one time are all little boys this loud...Nathan remarked some are louder...I think Alex heard that and felt like he had work to do.   He's so sweet sometimes...but then other times he's such a little stinker...he's such a boy!  I certainly can't take all the credit for him...Nathan has played a big part in how he behaves, but for the most part he's a good little guy.   A little slow to get started in the mornings and really doesn't follow directions from mom very well...wait...he may not be such a good kid after all....but I still love him!  And he's mine!  And I'm not trading him for anything in the world!

Catie and her centerpiece

Catie and I went to set up her centerpiece Tuesday evening...she was so excited and nervous.  I am very excited and nervous to see how it does.  It's her first project.   She bought half of the materials herself.  I guess I should go back to the beginning.
I really wanted to do something for The Baby Fold Festival of Trees and wasn't getting any response from the groups I normally work with.   So I went to my daughter and asked her if she would be interested in doing a project with me for the Festival.   We could call it a scout project and I would let her take the lead...I just wanted to get something into the Festival again as I had been involved for several years and then was not.  So we went on-line and registered as Girl-scout Catherine and Mom.  We were in...now what?

so much sugar!

Next we had to come up with a design...we looked all over Pinterest. Catie loves Pinterest as much as I do so that was no trouble at all we spent hours combing the site and finally decided on a design that we kind of liked but we were going to change it a lot to make it her's.  It was going to be lovely.  It needed a name.  I thought about it...but before I could say anything Catie spit out a title..."All Tied Up for Christmas"   Perfect!  It was her project so she should title it.
We got a letter a few days later in the mail wanting us to submit a detailed description of her design.  Ok...we can do this...so we sat down and wrote it all out and mailed it back.  It's all official now.   So we waited...we knew that it was going to be a few weeks before some of the supplies would be available in the stores.   It was getting a little scary though.  The week before Halloween I told her that I was concerned that I wasn't able to find Candy Canes...we needed 8 boxes of Candy Canes for her design.   They don't go on sale till after Halloween and the Festival is just one week after Halloween...that gives us just 3-4 for days to make this centerpiece.    Catie was a little panicked too...every day I went and looked for Candy Canes....I did start to find them... unfortunately it was all wrong...it was in the dollar stores and they were old and cheap and faded and not pretty at all.
We wanted bright white and red ones...pretty sparkly ones...not ones that looked like they had been left over from last Christmas...I was so sad...I couldn't believe that I was going to let my girl down.
So we decided to wait...On November 1 I drove over to Walmart and looked all over the store...still no Candy Canes...asked a manage standing in an isle..."if the're not out we don't have them yet"
So we went back to the car...Catie was almost in tears..."now what mom?"  of course it's all my fault...we called Meijer...I talked to two managers...YEAH They have them!
We drove over to Meijer and to check them out...they were beautiful!  We had to look though carefully!   Make sure that we didn't buy any smashed candies.
We went home and began the process of assembling the Candy Cane Centerpiece.  It was fun...Catie has a red dye allergy though so I was a little concerned with her handling that much red candy...no problems.  She just made sure she washed up very well after she handled all of the candies.   It was an adventure we well repeat next year...we may well try to avoid the Candy Canes though.



UPDATE: While we were at the Festival this evening Catie was standing behind her centerpiece and someone walked up and asked her if it was her centerpiece.  She said yes.  She asked Catie a few questions.  Catie was very polite and answered them.  Catie was a little distressed...when we got to the centerpiece it looked a little worse for ware.  It seems children had been pulling candy canes out of it all evening.  I'm really disappointed in that.  The Baby Fold organizers had refilled it over and over again.  They were going to buy more to refill it again tomorrow.  As we stood there the lady that asked how she could place a bid.  So we told her how to place a bid...she stood there for a minute...then she asked how she could just buy it.  Catie nearly did a cartwheel.  I offered the lady my phone number...to help with repairs if the candy canes are too badly damaged by the people pulling them out and other putting them back.   Catie and I can repair the centerpiece for her.   So on the second night of bidding Catie's centerpiece sold for the Angel price!

Sold!   For the Angel Price!

Whirlwind life changing week

I can't even begin to explain how different my life is from one week ago.  I was on the phone exactly one week ago with my licencing agent talking about how it was going to be another two and half more weeks before our licence was here.  Nathan and I were in the middle of a huge fundraiser and really working hard to raise more money for a cause that we really believe in.  I was coming really close to my goal and feeling pretty good.   I was going to shave my head for this cause and give all my hair to some child that didn't have any.  I felt scared and excited all at the same time.
The next 24 hours rocked my world...my daughter got the flu...yuck...I hate when that happens.  I didn't feel well.  I needed to go pick up my prescriptions.  I had to have that prescription right now...not later.  We drove across town and got my headache medicine...
"Catie did you get the mail after school?"  I asked as we drove back...She shook her head..."Oh yeah you were sick...OK everyone to bed...I'll get the mail"
As we all piled out of the car I got the mail and began the dig though the bills and junk...I stopped half way up the drive..."Nathan do you know what this is"
"Uh no...your holding it..." He replied sarcastically...I skipped up the driveway to show him our brand new State of Illinois issued Foster Care license.
We both stood in the garage for several minutes in disbelieve...could it really be???  She just told us it was going to be several more weeks and that had always translated into months before.   Here it was in our hands a solid piece of paper!   It's real!    So we had to have some time and some real conversations.  So we still haven't made a public announcement...it's weird...we have worked so hard on this and now it feels kind of like I want to keep it to myself for a while...so we did...we didn't even call the agency till Monday.
Then comes the really FUN part...we walked in the house...the answering machine light is blinking...yes we still have one of those...I hate voice mail...and refuse to switch over.
Nathan hit play as we sent the kids to bed for the second time...they are all wound up by this point...they know that we could get a child any day now.
The message is from a TV station they got one of the press releases that I sent out a month ago and want to put me on the news because I am shaving my head....Are you kidding me????
I am blown away...I have worked so hard to raise this money and just want to make sure that it gets as much attention as it can for the right reason.   I don't want to do this broadcast to promote myself in anyway.   I am only shaving my head to draw attention to the women to who loose their hair and live with the hair loss.   I want to stand proud with them.  I am their sister.   I call the reporter...we talk and I agree to do the broadcast and it went really well.   I raised a lot of money for a foundation that needed it and I got to give my hair to a child that needed it.   I pray that I will have the courage to do this again...honestly it has been kind of fun!   I wish they would do this during summer though...this is kind of cold....but really it's not so bad!  My kids love my bald head...they come up and rub my head and say it's soft like a puppy....my son rubs his cheeks on it.   I love my kids they are so kind...they tell me everyday how beautiful I am and it makes me happy and I know I am loved...My husband does too...but the kids say it with unconditional love.

Life is really good right now and I am Blessed beyond measure! 



Update:   It's a little over a week later and my hair is starting to grow back in...it's funny how quick it grows.  It's weird people I don't know very well but have a faint knowledge of keep coming up to me and talking to me.   I also have gotten the stares from children and adults alike.  No one has asked me about my hair yet.  That kind of bums me out...I want to tell my story.

Feeling pretty good~

I went into the closet this morning and grabbed a pair of jeans and a shirt and put them on and they fit...no jumping... no squeezing...no deep breathing...they just fit
In fact the shirt is a little big.  I never have had the shirt be a little big... this shirt has always been too small.   I am liking the new me...I want to keep up the new me.  I like seeing the new changes.   It feels so good to see actual results and not feel like the weight is coming off and I am the only one that knows...it is visible now.   Everyone can see now.  Of course to someone that has never met me before I am still horrible overweight and have miles to go...but I have come very far.   At least for me...
I know some of you are thinking thirty-one pounds doesn't seem like much...but to put this into perspective, I have a biological disorder called  Polycystic ovary syndrome. --(when I was diagnosis in 2001 the insurance companies didn't even know how to classify this...they tried to put it under cystic fibrosis, completely different)--    I have battle my weight since puberty and had not much luck at it.   This same disorder has taken my ability to have children and causes me to grow hair on my chin...not very attractive in either case.  It really makes me feel like less of a woman in most cases...
My husband does a great job of overlooking the hair...every once in awhile he will say something...but he is very polite...ish.   The ability to have children there is nothing I can do about it...the weight gain...is probably the biggest problem...most women who are unable to get pregnant with PCOS it's because they are too heavy.   In order to have both Catie and Alex I had to loose large sums of weight...since I was younger the weight came off easily and it was no trouble for me to loose 45-50 pounds in 4-5 months...this time...I am older and my body just wouldn't co-operate.   When the doctor recommended we see a specialist Nathan and I decided we were not going to go that route this time...we had already did that with both of our other two...and have two beautiful children and thought that maybe God was giving us a sign that this time we were suppose to do something different.
Things get very different the summer I started having migraines...I don't know what happened...I don't know if my weight it a level that my body couldn't hold...or if it was stress.   All of the sudden I was having migraines that were life altering...and I didn't know what to do.  We worked with our family doctor to correct the problem.  That didn't help.  I prayed for relief.   That didn't seem to help either.   I started to believe that my life was going to be forever changed by this headaches.   Then I was sent to a doctor that actually helped me.  
He put me on some medications that changed my life...one has actually helped with my weight loss...it decreases my appetite and also decreases the  intensity of my headaches and frequency.   This made my life so much easier to live...I still had break though headaches...but now they were getting under control and I was starting slowly to loss some weight.   This didn't happen fast....it was over a long period of time over maybe 9 months...and the whole time this is going on I was battling the insurance company to get 2 medications that the doctor prescribed for those break though headaches...one was easily fixed.
I called one day when I was in a particularly good mood and was very nice and pushed though till I got a nurse in the pharmacy department that actually suffered from migraines herself...she was very helpful and got one of the prescription pushed though right then.    The other one took lots of negotiation and pushing and calling and more calling and more calling...the moral is never quit calling...if you really need something!~   It took 9 Months.

Today I am doing much better I go month to month and wonder why the insurance company fought so hard against the doctors orders...I feel so much better today then I did 4 months ago...I feel life a different person then I was 6 months ago....and I was a shell of a person a year ago...I don't know how I was existing...life was hell some days...and my family was paying the price for it.   It's so much better now.  I have the doctors to thank for that they have been wonderful and PATIENT...they put up with my insurance company and me.
So I am looking for a workout buddy,  someone who can go to the gym with me a couple times a week...when Nathan can't...his schedule is so wonky and the kids keep us so busy that there is just no way we will be able to workout together...any takers???

First Boy/Girl party

  So Catie got this invite in the mail two days ago addressed to her...clearly written by a boy.  I though  "oh cool one of the boys sent her an invitation to the party that we are already planning on attending"...nope I"m wrong as usual.  I did not open it...because it was not my mail, but it was tempting.
  Catie burst in after school asking " is it here yet? is it here yet?"   She had already been informed of it's impending arrival.   She also was notified she was the only girl invited by the boy in her class.   He is a set of Triplets and his dad told them they could each invite three guests.  The Boy in Catie's class invited two boys and Catie.  The Girl invited three girls and the other Boy invited three boys...so Catie is the exception to the rule.
  Catie has been telling me for weeks she has a crush on this boy and he has a crush on her too...
They ride the same bus and have know each other for several years and love to play basketball together.  Catie's favorite sport.   So there was so real surprise that he invited her to his party...I am sure it's all very puppy dog and lady bug.  It so cute really.
   As the matter of fact when I was her age I was never invited to these kind of things...I was never the popular kid...so I am fearful if I don't let her go I will be sending the wrong message to her friends that we are overprotective...
Catie is a good kid and I know we can trust her,I just don't know the other parents so well.   I have only briefly met them and will have to talk to them before I am ok with this.   This is a big step for my little girl and I want to know she is going to be ok...She is only 9 and is so young.

a weighty...a waiting subject

feels weird to mention this...but here it goes...my clothes are too big...my under clothes have been too big for a little while, but now my regular clothes are starting to fit to big. ...don't know what to do really...if I buy more clothes and I keep losing weigh which I want to do...I'm going to have all these clothes that don't fit...I'm just going to wait a little while I think...

time heals

It's been a few weeks and I have had some time to think and pray.   Nathan and I are working on so many things and moving forward.  It's been a bumpy road as marriage sometimes is...well usually is.  We like most married couples have issues.  We don't hide from them...we work though them and work on them.   It has been interesting to me...the times that we have had the most trouble in our marriage have been the times when we didn't talk.  When we weren't communicating with each other very well.  The best times are times like these when we are in a crisis...yes in a crisis and really communicating.  Really depending on each other...the years after a crisis are often the deepest years for me.  We have grown so much together.   I love my husband deeply and I grow everyday in my marriage and I pray we can continue this trend.  

anxiety...is the state trying to kill me???

I am going to have an anxiety attack today...I just know it.  First of all Alex says he has a tummy ache...and I sent him to school anyway...any good mom would, right?    You can't keep them home for every little tummy ache.   So I had my phone with me in small group praying I wouldn't get the dreaded "come get your sick kid" call.  Instead I got a call from our agency.
Praise God in heaven!!!  It's been more than a month since we have heard form her.   Not great news though...she needs to meet with me...something in my background is not checking out...my background?  Boring old me??? I don't do anything...I once tried to take a condom from a Osco drug store when I was 14 as a prank and  got busted...and I learned my lesson...never again...I follow rules.   The most I do is swear and occasionally go to fast...and really I do even go to fast...the other people glare at me as they fly by me.  She said it was really nothing and not to be worried but what does that really mean...I'm going to sit here and stew about it for the next hour while I try and figure out what I could have done that could have come up on my background check that is so awful that she needs to come and talk to me about it.

Did you know that Dammit I'm Mad is the same front to back....I just love that...
I probably shouldn't but I do...and right now it fits...Dammit I'm Mad!

At least the school hasn't called to come get Alex, hopefully that won't happen....that would not be a good thing.

Be Bold, Be Bold

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Contact:

Sally Hawkins Stay at Home Mom

309-829-5029

Sallyrhawk@yahoo.com

[Sally Hawkins] will go bald to fight cancer on 11/2.

Joining thousands across the country in Be Bold, Be Bald! fundraising event.

[Bloomington , 9/18/12 ]  For many cancer patients, going bald is not a choice.  It is just one of the many challenges they face as they bravely fight the disease.  On November 2, [Sally Hawkins] will join thousands of people across the country as they put vanity aside, and wear a bald cap (shave my head) to show solidarity with those who bravely fight cancer and raise money to help fight back. 

The event is Be Bold, Be Bald!, a national fundraiser started by Boston advertising agency, Small Army, after losing its co-founder to the disease.  In just 3 years, the event has raised more than $400,000, with 100% of the net proceeds going to cancer charities.

By going about their day as usual - commuting on the bus, meeting with colleagues, stopping in the local coffee shop, or going to class – participants get a small taste of what many cancer patients face.  And, others can sponsor them for their bold move. 

“I watched my mom loose her hair and it was one of the hardest things a fourteen year old can go through.”

In its fourth year, Be Bold, Be Bald! Unites and supports more than 15 cancer charities, from The Jimmy Fund and LIVESTRONG to local charities such as Heaps of Hope, Pablove Foundation, No Stomach for Cancer, Michelle’s Fund and Jonsson Cancer Center Foundation. Participants choose the charity for which they would like to support and grants are made accordingly.  In 2010 and 2011, due to generous donations and support, each of the participating cancer charities received more than 100% of the funds raised on their behalf. 

My Charity is the Dr. Susan Love Breast Cancer Research foundation in memory of my husband’s sister Elizabeth.  I will also not just be wearing a bald cap…I am shaving my head and donating all my hair to Locks of Love.   My husband is also shaving his head in support of this movement.   I made this decision last year after my husband shaved his head.  

Be Bold, Be Bald! is managed by Small Army for a Cause, a 501c3 organization committed to helping raise awareness and funds for medical-related causes.  Small Army for a Cause was founded in 2008 by Boston Advertising Agency, Small Army, in honor of its co-founder, Mike Connell, a 2-time cancer survivor who lost his life to the disease in November 2007. 

Going private for a little while...

For those of you who read my blog regularly....I am choosing to not post my blog postings until the currant issue I have going on is dealt with.   It is far too private and far too close to home for me to put this information out for everyone to judge and weigh in on our business.   After everything has settled down I will put all of the postings up.   For the time being I will continue to write because it's how I work though these issues...
I will be here working on the problems mine, ours, and theirs...because we all have them...
Don't give up on me.   I will be back, just give me time.  I think it won't be long.  
For the time being this is one thing I have been studying.... I don't know if you will find anything useful in here...I did.
http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/maslow.html

oh my gosh

My husband has decided he doesn't want to have any more children!   I don't understand!  I don't get it!  I am so mad and I don't understand!   He was all in and now he's not!
Did the foster care process take too long?    Are we just done?   I am so upset!  I feel like I could burst into tears, but his parents are here and they would know something is up and I don't think he is ready to announce this to his parents.
I am pissed!   We worked hard to get licensed!   We aren't even licensed and don't even have it yet!   We are still waiting on it!  I really hate this!   I can't believe this!  Nine months ago he was all in and more convinced this was what we were suppose than I was.   And now he's just out...I don't know what I am going to do!
I still want kids and I don't think I can just shut that part of me off...I never stopped wanting another child.
WE have more talking to do...but it's going to have to wait...we can't have this conversation with his parents here...they will cloud the issue.
I don't know what I am going to!

what the hell????

it's been more than eight weeks since we had last homestudy....and no news.   I finally worked up the nerve to call our agency today and ask if there was anything I could do.   I was so scared to make that phone call.   I almost didn't want to make that phone call.   I was just sure that I was going to get bad news.   I talked to her so briefly...I got so little information that I don't know what was said anymore.  I told Nathan as soon as he got home what she said and he called to ask a question she told him something a little different.   I don't think that's a problem...I think I just miss understood and I am ok with that.
As we get further and further away from the homestudy the more defeated I feel and the more I feel concerned that we are not going to get out license.   I am just concerned that my family and friends are feeling a little bit like we have given up or like we just aren't going to proceed.  Really hate having to answer the question "so what's going on with your foster care?" with "I don't know"
Because we have no idea what's going on...because the State is broken and we have no answers.

STILL waiting...

I think the state is just making sure we really are prepared to wait out any crisis the future children they put in our home are going to put us through.   My husband even made some wise ass comment last night...he NEVER makes comment about how long we have been waiting.
It really has been a long wait though.  What was suppose to be a three week wait for our license  we are still waiting for...and it has been eight weeks tomorrow since our homestudy was finished.   Some days the wait is paralyzing.   I feel angry and let down by the system, but I can't help but wonder how any children are so let down by the system as well.   It is stupid  that it has taken this long to get anything done.   I pray things get moving.
It seems like out path has been so long and yet it hasn't at the same time...from the beginning of this journey till now it has been less than a year...but when we started it seemed as if it would only take 4 or 5 months and here we wait and it is driving me crazy!
 I don't know how this would have worked if we had went down the adoption path and and just did a homestudy and  adopted.   This is similar and different all at the same time.   I know way too much about the court system and too little about the adoption system all at the same time.   CRAZY!  I need more information! 
The fact that Nathan is getting impatient tells me that this is dragging on for too long...I hope this over soon...our lives need to move on.   We need to move on.  One way or the other.  NOW.

living in a vacuum with the kids at school.

Now that both of my kids have gone off to school I have this void in my life....I always assumed I would go and get a job.  As I sit here today I am stuck in this weird vacuum though.   Between not having the option of going to get a full time job and really wanting to do something.  The kids are gone and there isn't a whole lot for me to do a round the house...yes I could make it a little cleaner...but some people in my life already think I am anal about how clean I keep my house.   The kids really aren't aloud to keep their rooms as messy as they would like and the living room never looks very lived in.  The only room that ever looks used is the kitchen...because we really use the kitchen.   The laundry is in constant motion...that really never stops...that would get harder if I had a j
job.

The truth is if I get a job and we get our license and then we get a child (we want all of those things)  I'm going to have to quit my job.   I don't want to work and have a child at home!   My job is being a mother.  When all my children are in school then I can entertain the idea of having a job outside of the home...but right now...my job is mom...and right now...I just feel lazy for not doing a job.

This is really killing me.   I walk around the house looking for the kids and looking for stuff to do.  Thank goodness I still have Miles a couples days a week or I would go crazy cats all together!  

Fertility...still a hot button for me.

Three babies born this weekend all under different wonderful blessed circumstances.   Don't ya know it was already a hard weekend for me to get though with grandpa dying and all, and then all these babies are born.   And then everyone wants to know how our adoption/foster care is going...well to be honest it's not going!   I just wanted to crack all weekend!   I want to throw a temper tantrum like a three year old...because I can have what I want...another baby.

I am broken....

My body will not reproduce and everyone else seems to be able to make babies...yes I have to beautiful children!   I made them...but they took hard work and tears and more hard work and too many nights of counting and planning and unsexy, unloving, get it done now to have my kids.   I don't want that!


I'm angry at my body after all these years it is still betraying me!   It has betrayed me since the beginning of my marriage!  I try very hard to fix it...yet I know deep in my heart there is nothing I can do to truly fix it...it is broken, I have to accept it and move on.  I though I had.  I try I really do.  I want this adoption!  I want foster care so badly!  I want to help these children so desperately.  What I really want is to make our family whole.  I feel like we are missing someone...just one person is missing...and until they are here...we are not whole...


and I am broken...

Whoo Hoo! Finally!

Got on the scale this morning and I am down 28 pounds from the beginning of 2012!  Yeah!  I was so excited and a little shocked and not at all sure it was accurate and made Nathan come and weight his self to make sure the scale was working...sure I knew I had already dropped 25 pounds over the last 6 months, but three more over the last week.  So he trots into the bathroom jumps onto the scale. I look at his weight and he goes "yep, it's right."  I got back on the scale and did a little happy dance!   Yep it's right!
The biggest achievement for me so far was that I now weigh less than Nathan.  I have never weighted less than Nathan...I have always been a few pounds to several...to too many pounds to count heavier than Nathan and it has always distressed me.  AND now I am NOT!
I will never reveal my weight publicly ever...but I know that I can be proud of the effort I am putting into loosing this weight.  My body feels better and my life will be better and I will last a lot longer because of it.
I sure hope this trend continues!

lost grandpa today

8/22/12
Today Catie woke me up all chipper and bright eyed.  She was ready to go.   I was not.  I usually am not.  I do not wake up well.  I am not a morning person.  I do not like being woke up fist thing in the morning.   But there she was "mom I didn't have a nightmare, mom my head didn't hurt.  Isn't that great?"
"Yes Catie that's wonderful!  Now go away and let me sleep until my alarm clock goes off at 7 and then we can talk about your head. "
Nathan at this point sensing my my distress rolled out of bed and shooed Catie out of our room and whet to shower.   Our alarm went off and Catie returned to talk some more...you have to be kidding me!   Go away kid!
Now my phone is ringing!  What the hell is going on? Nathan is bringing me the phone>>>

"Aaron"...
Yeah?
"Are you a wake sweetie?"
Huh??? he has never ever called me that he is two years my junior...
"It's dad..he passed at 5am this morning."
ok
"we are going to have the service this weekend"
"at Larry's"
ok
I'll be there



So surreal and so quick...so strange.
I can't believe he is gone...he was so strong and so stubborn and like a light he's just gone.

Figuring out these allergies

So Catie's allergies have been my daily challenge...and I have been making a big stink about it!   Yes I know I gripe too much!  It's what I do!!!   I don't know what else to do...she is frustrated because all these foods she could have previously she can no longer have.   She is now allergic to them...it's like I have taken half of her childhood away.   If she had never tasted them I think it would be different for her, but she knows what she is missing.   The upside to all this is...we are all eating a much healthier diet because of this allergy.

I have been reading every label.  Most processed foods have dye in them...so I am having to make so many things from scratch.   The food tastes so much better the kids eat better.  Alex is making a fuss because it doesn't look the same but it sure does taste better...as soon as I get him to take a bite he usually loves  what I have made,  it's getting him to take a bite that is usually the hard part. 

Catie is missing the junk food...the Doritos, Twizzlers and M&M's of it all.  We have had to look very hard to find the fruit snacks that are 100% juice not dyed so she can have fruit snacks like other kids too.    It's hard work being a mom sometimes but I'm willing to do it for my little girl.

Today is the last day before school

8/19/2012
School starts tomorrow
I am just a touch excited!   And a little bit misty at the thought of my little guy going to school tomorrow!  It's his first day of kindergarten!  I will be at home all alone three days a week!   I will have such a clean house!  I won't know what to do with myself....wait...maybe I will.  I will have time to read and crochet and draw and write to my family and blog and clean my house and visit friends and dust the cobwebs out of the corners and so many other things that I have been missing over the years.
Not to mention...maybe this is the reason God has been putting the foster care license on hold for so long is just waiting for the kids to get back into school so I have time to dedicate to another child.
I will also miss my Catie too...although we have not gotten along quite as well as I would like this summer...it seems to be a growing split between us.    I hope we can work this out and it's short term and not a growing problem.   We seem to be growing further apart as she gets older rather than closer together.
I love them both so much and I want to make sure that I keep trying to connect with them on different levels as a parent...and not try and become a friend.   It is so hard to be the mom.  

talking with my dauther about the birds and the bees

UM MMMMM MMMM ok....really.....well....right now???? I think I have somewhere I have to be right now.....no really.
Just Kidding I am the one who brought the conversion up.   Nathan and I were watching a television show with her something about a wedding dress in Atlanta.  I don't know the name of the show...but she could spout out the name I am sure...it's on TLC.   Anyway a commercial for a new show coming on this fall about teenagers going to high school with their babies.  My daughter with eyes like saucers turns to us and asks how did thoses girls get babies in high school?
That's when we knew we had to have a conversation right away!   So I have been putting it off just a little bit.   I asked her earlier this week if she knew how mommies got babies?   She said  "Mommies and Daddies kissing and I have not done that yet"  and blushed deeply.
Poor little thing...I asked if she had heard anything at school about sex or messing around or anything like that?   Nope!  No!  What does that mean?
So we are going to give the very basic info to keep it very simple...I want to keep her ahead of misinformation.
I also am taking the time to remind her that she needs to keep her body good and clean and put on deodorant.  She also needs to be educated on warning signs of infections in her girl body...now that I don't bathe her I can't make sure she is clean and free of infection...if she get's yeast infection she has to be able to spot that on her own now.
Lastly I need to make her aware of the hazards of predators that would abuse her naive nature to get what they want and break my little girls heart in the process.   It happens and far to often it is the young lady from the good Christian home that is caught off guard because mom and dad have done a poor job of educating her for the real world.   I hope that we can mix our Christian values with common expectations and keep her safe and Chaste.
She's a good girl and head smart...head strong and open-hearted I just hope that combination will keep her safe.