Be Bold, Be Bold

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Contact:

Sally Hawkins Stay at Home Mom

309-829-5029

Sallyrhawk@yahoo.com

[Sally Hawkins] will go bald to fight cancer on 11/2.

Joining thousands across the country in Be Bold, Be Bald! fundraising event.

[Bloomington , 9/18/12 ]  For many cancer patients, going bald is not a choice.  It is just one of the many challenges they face as they bravely fight the disease.  On November 2, [Sally Hawkins] will join thousands of people across the country as they put vanity aside, and wear a bald cap (shave my head) to show solidarity with those who bravely fight cancer and raise money to help fight back. 

The event is Be Bold, Be Bald!, a national fundraiser started by Boston advertising agency, Small Army, after losing its co-founder to the disease.  In just 3 years, the event has raised more than $400,000, with 100% of the net proceeds going to cancer charities.

By going about their day as usual - commuting on the bus, meeting with colleagues, stopping in the local coffee shop, or going to class – participants get a small taste of what many cancer patients face.  And, others can sponsor them for their bold move. 

“I watched my mom loose her hair and it was one of the hardest things a fourteen year old can go through.”

In its fourth year, Be Bold, Be Bald! Unites and supports more than 15 cancer charities, from The Jimmy Fund and LIVESTRONG to local charities such as Heaps of Hope, Pablove Foundation, No Stomach for Cancer, Michelle’s Fund and Jonsson Cancer Center Foundation. Participants choose the charity for which they would like to support and grants are made accordingly.  In 2010 and 2011, due to generous donations and support, each of the participating cancer charities received more than 100% of the funds raised on their behalf. 

My Charity is the Dr. Susan Love Breast Cancer Research foundation in memory of my husband’s sister Elizabeth.  I will also not just be wearing a bald cap…I am shaving my head and donating all my hair to Locks of Love.   My husband is also shaving his head in support of this movement.   I made this decision last year after my husband shaved his head.  

Be Bold, Be Bald! is managed by Small Army for a Cause, a 501c3 organization committed to helping raise awareness and funds for medical-related causes.  Small Army for a Cause was founded in 2008 by Boston Advertising Agency, Small Army, in honor of its co-founder, Mike Connell, a 2-time cancer survivor who lost his life to the disease in November 2007. 

Going private for a little while...

For those of you who read my blog regularly....I am choosing to not post my blog postings until the currant issue I have going on is dealt with.   It is far too private and far too close to home for me to put this information out for everyone to judge and weigh in on our business.   After everything has settled down I will put all of the postings up.   For the time being I will continue to write because it's how I work though these issues...
I will be here working on the problems mine, ours, and theirs...because we all have them...
Don't give up on me.   I will be back, just give me time.  I think it won't be long.  
For the time being this is one thing I have been studying.... I don't know if you will find anything useful in here...I did.
http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/maslow.html

oh my gosh

My husband has decided he doesn't want to have any more children!   I don't understand!  I don't get it!  I am so mad and I don't understand!   He was all in and now he's not!
Did the foster care process take too long?    Are we just done?   I am so upset!  I feel like I could burst into tears, but his parents are here and they would know something is up and I don't think he is ready to announce this to his parents.
I am pissed!   We worked hard to get licensed!   We aren't even licensed and don't even have it yet!   We are still waiting on it!  I really hate this!   I can't believe this!  Nine months ago he was all in and more convinced this was what we were suppose than I was.   And now he's just out...I don't know what I am going to do!
I still want kids and I don't think I can just shut that part of me off...I never stopped wanting another child.
WE have more talking to do...but it's going to have to wait...we can't have this conversation with his parents here...they will cloud the issue.
I don't know what I am going to!

what the hell????

it's been more than eight weeks since we had last homestudy....and no news.   I finally worked up the nerve to call our agency today and ask if there was anything I could do.   I was so scared to make that phone call.   I almost didn't want to make that phone call.   I was just sure that I was going to get bad news.   I talked to her so briefly...I got so little information that I don't know what was said anymore.  I told Nathan as soon as he got home what she said and he called to ask a question she told him something a little different.   I don't think that's a problem...I think I just miss understood and I am ok with that.
As we get further and further away from the homestudy the more defeated I feel and the more I feel concerned that we are not going to get out license.   I am just concerned that my family and friends are feeling a little bit like we have given up or like we just aren't going to proceed.  Really hate having to answer the question "so what's going on with your foster care?" with "I don't know"
Because we have no idea what's going on...because the State is broken and we have no answers.

STILL waiting...

I think the state is just making sure we really are prepared to wait out any crisis the future children they put in our home are going to put us through.   My husband even made some wise ass comment last night...he NEVER makes comment about how long we have been waiting.
It really has been a long wait though.  What was suppose to be a three week wait for our license  we are still waiting for...and it has been eight weeks tomorrow since our homestudy was finished.   Some days the wait is paralyzing.   I feel angry and let down by the system, but I can't help but wonder how any children are so let down by the system as well.   It is stupid  that it has taken this long to get anything done.   I pray things get moving.
It seems like out path has been so long and yet it hasn't at the same time...from the beginning of this journey till now it has been less than a year...but when we started it seemed as if it would only take 4 or 5 months and here we wait and it is driving me crazy!
 I don't know how this would have worked if we had went down the adoption path and and just did a homestudy and  adopted.   This is similar and different all at the same time.   I know way too much about the court system and too little about the adoption system all at the same time.   CRAZY!  I need more information! 
The fact that Nathan is getting impatient tells me that this is dragging on for too long...I hope this over soon...our lives need to move on.   We need to move on.  One way or the other.  NOW.

living in a vacuum with the kids at school.

Now that both of my kids have gone off to school I have this void in my life....I always assumed I would go and get a job.  As I sit here today I am stuck in this weird vacuum though.   Between not having the option of going to get a full time job and really wanting to do something.  The kids are gone and there isn't a whole lot for me to do a round the house...yes I could make it a little cleaner...but some people in my life already think I am anal about how clean I keep my house.   The kids really aren't aloud to keep their rooms as messy as they would like and the living room never looks very lived in.  The only room that ever looks used is the kitchen...because we really use the kitchen.   The laundry is in constant motion...that really never stops...that would get harder if I had a j
job.

The truth is if I get a job and we get our license and then we get a child (we want all of those things)  I'm going to have to quit my job.   I don't want to work and have a child at home!   My job is being a mother.  When all my children are in school then I can entertain the idea of having a job outside of the home...but right now...my job is mom...and right now...I just feel lazy for not doing a job.

This is really killing me.   I walk around the house looking for the kids and looking for stuff to do.  Thank goodness I still have Miles a couples days a week or I would go crazy cats all together!  

Fertility...still a hot button for me.

Three babies born this weekend all under different wonderful blessed circumstances.   Don't ya know it was already a hard weekend for me to get though with grandpa dying and all, and then all these babies are born.   And then everyone wants to know how our adoption/foster care is going...well to be honest it's not going!   I just wanted to crack all weekend!   I want to throw a temper tantrum like a three year old...because I can have what I want...another baby.

I am broken....

My body will not reproduce and everyone else seems to be able to make babies...yes I have to beautiful children!   I made them...but they took hard work and tears and more hard work and too many nights of counting and planning and unsexy, unloving, get it done now to have my kids.   I don't want that!


I'm angry at my body after all these years it is still betraying me!   It has betrayed me since the beginning of my marriage!  I try very hard to fix it...yet I know deep in my heart there is nothing I can do to truly fix it...it is broken, I have to accept it and move on.  I though I had.  I try I really do.  I want this adoption!  I want foster care so badly!  I want to help these children so desperately.  What I really want is to make our family whole.  I feel like we are missing someone...just one person is missing...and until they are here...we are not whole...


and I am broken...

Whoo Hoo! Finally!

Got on the scale this morning and I am down 28 pounds from the beginning of 2012!  Yeah!  I was so excited and a little shocked and not at all sure it was accurate and made Nathan come and weight his self to make sure the scale was working...sure I knew I had already dropped 25 pounds over the last 6 months, but three more over the last week.  So he trots into the bathroom jumps onto the scale. I look at his weight and he goes "yep, it's right."  I got back on the scale and did a little happy dance!   Yep it's right!
The biggest achievement for me so far was that I now weigh less than Nathan.  I have never weighted less than Nathan...I have always been a few pounds to several...to too many pounds to count heavier than Nathan and it has always distressed me.  AND now I am NOT!
I will never reveal my weight publicly ever...but I know that I can be proud of the effort I am putting into loosing this weight.  My body feels better and my life will be better and I will last a lot longer because of it.
I sure hope this trend continues!

lost grandpa today

8/22/12
Today Catie woke me up all chipper and bright eyed.  She was ready to go.   I was not.  I usually am not.  I do not wake up well.  I am not a morning person.  I do not like being woke up fist thing in the morning.   But there she was "mom I didn't have a nightmare, mom my head didn't hurt.  Isn't that great?"
"Yes Catie that's wonderful!  Now go away and let me sleep until my alarm clock goes off at 7 and then we can talk about your head. "
Nathan at this point sensing my my distress rolled out of bed and shooed Catie out of our room and whet to shower.   Our alarm went off and Catie returned to talk some more...you have to be kidding me!   Go away kid!
Now my phone is ringing!  What the hell is going on? Nathan is bringing me the phone>>>

"Aaron"...
Yeah?
"Are you a wake sweetie?"
Huh??? he has never ever called me that he is two years my junior...
"It's dad..he passed at 5am this morning."
ok
"we are going to have the service this weekend"
"at Larry's"
ok
I'll be there



So surreal and so quick...so strange.
I can't believe he is gone...he was so strong and so stubborn and like a light he's just gone.

Figuring out these allergies

So Catie's allergies have been my daily challenge...and I have been making a big stink about it!   Yes I know I gripe too much!  It's what I do!!!   I don't know what else to do...she is frustrated because all these foods she could have previously she can no longer have.   She is now allergic to them...it's like I have taken half of her childhood away.   If she had never tasted them I think it would be different for her, but she knows what she is missing.   The upside to all this is...we are all eating a much healthier diet because of this allergy.

I have been reading every label.  Most processed foods have dye in them...so I am having to make so many things from scratch.   The food tastes so much better the kids eat better.  Alex is making a fuss because it doesn't look the same but it sure does taste better...as soon as I get him to take a bite he usually loves  what I have made,  it's getting him to take a bite that is usually the hard part. 

Catie is missing the junk food...the Doritos, Twizzlers and M&M's of it all.  We have had to look very hard to find the fruit snacks that are 100% juice not dyed so she can have fruit snacks like other kids too.    It's hard work being a mom sometimes but I'm willing to do it for my little girl.

Today is the last day before school

8/19/2012
School starts tomorrow
I am just a touch excited!   And a little bit misty at the thought of my little guy going to school tomorrow!  It's his first day of kindergarten!  I will be at home all alone three days a week!   I will have such a clean house!  I won't know what to do with myself....wait...maybe I will.  I will have time to read and crochet and draw and write to my family and blog and clean my house and visit friends and dust the cobwebs out of the corners and so many other things that I have been missing over the years.
Not to mention...maybe this is the reason God has been putting the foster care license on hold for so long is just waiting for the kids to get back into school so I have time to dedicate to another child.
I will also miss my Catie too...although we have not gotten along quite as well as I would like this summer...it seems to be a growing split between us.    I hope we can work this out and it's short term and not a growing problem.   We seem to be growing further apart as she gets older rather than closer together.
I love them both so much and I want to make sure that I keep trying to connect with them on different levels as a parent...and not try and become a friend.   It is so hard to be the mom.  

talking with my dauther about the birds and the bees

UM MMMMM MMMM ok....really.....well....right now???? I think I have somewhere I have to be right now.....no really.
Just Kidding I am the one who brought the conversion up.   Nathan and I were watching a television show with her something about a wedding dress in Atlanta.  I don't know the name of the show...but she could spout out the name I am sure...it's on TLC.   Anyway a commercial for a new show coming on this fall about teenagers going to high school with their babies.  My daughter with eyes like saucers turns to us and asks how did thoses girls get babies in high school?
That's when we knew we had to have a conversation right away!   So I have been putting it off just a little bit.   I asked her earlier this week if she knew how mommies got babies?   She said  "Mommies and Daddies kissing and I have not done that yet"  and blushed deeply.
Poor little thing...I asked if she had heard anything at school about sex or messing around or anything like that?   Nope!  No!  What does that mean?
So we are going to give the very basic info to keep it very simple...I want to keep her ahead of misinformation.
I also am taking the time to remind her that she needs to keep her body good and clean and put on deodorant.  She also needs to be educated on warning signs of infections in her girl body...now that I don't bathe her I can't make sure she is clean and free of infection...if she get's yeast infection she has to be able to spot that on her own now.
Lastly I need to make her aware of the hazards of predators that would abuse her naive nature to get what they want and break my little girls heart in the process.   It happens and far to often it is the young lady from the good Christian home that is caught off guard because mom and dad have done a poor job of educating her for the real world.   I hope that we can mix our Christian values with common expectations and keep her safe and Chaste.
She's a good girl and head smart...head strong and open-hearted I just hope that combination will keep her safe.  

Facebook -politics- media

I am super picky about who I allow to be my friend on Facebook...not just anyone makes the cut.   I don't accept all friend requests and I will cut people if they are bringing me down.  I don't need that.  Mostly the people on my Facebook are people who I want in my life.  A few people I will be cut the next time I go though and make Facebook cuts again.   There are some people that I cut them and in a few months they message me that they want back in...haha...here lies the problem.  I know them and love them and have known them my whole life.   Don't really want them in my life any more because well we just aren't in the same place  any more????
Anyway that isn't where this post was going.   I keep my Face book page pretty private and only the people I want around me.  I like and respect these people.  I respect their opinions.   As we creep closer to election time I am noticing more and more political ads...not political commentary but negative ads.   I see enough of the negative stuff on TV that I am a little concerned that I am seeing it on Facebook already. 
I am considering putting a post up on Facebook letting everyone know that I will be taking the political season off from Facebook, but then I miss a lot of goings on when that happens.   So my next best option is to let everyone know that I will just be blocking anyone that puts up a negative ad until after the election.   That way I just don't have to see them.   Then after the elections I will unblock anyone I had to block and everything will go back to as it was.
I don't think this will include political commentary, because most of the people on my Facebook I have enough respect for I can respect the political leanings and understand why they say the things they are saying.   I am also adult enough not to hold anything they are saying against them. 

grouchy girl

I am feeling a great deal of stress with my coming from little girl today.  I think she has got a bunch of hormones rolling around inside of her.  She is all cranky and truly pushing my buttons. I know that her body is all rolling out of control and she doesn't know what is going on.  Her little mind is racing and freaking out and panicking and the idea of being all grown up...when all she wants to do is play with her dolly.   All day yesterday she played with her dolls  and all day today she has been griping at me...it's like having a teenager in the house with a split personality.   Tomorrow she will want to play with toy cars or something.  I know in reality she has very little control over this, but it sure is making my life awful hard....we seem to butt heads more and more everyday.   I'm not sure why I want more children.   The idea of having more hormones in this house just is baffling to me, but just as sure as I sit here I want more kids. 
She is sitting across the room from me and I can see the anxiety and anger and bitterness in her.   And right now there is nothing I can do for her.   I need to wrap my arms around her and give her a hug but she just won't let me....I'm not even sure it would help.

Teachers...and classmates, we find out today

In a few minutes I get to take my kids to find out who there teachers are and who are in their classes.   I am excited...I think Catie has forgotten.   It is going to be so nice to have an idea of who a better idea who will be teaching her.   I have had some anxiety about her allergies so knowing who her teacher is might make it easier on me.  I would like to sit down and talk to her ahead of time about things she can and cannot have ahead of time.   I also need to have a list made up.
I am so excited to see Alex's list too...he is so ready for school!   I am so ready for him to be in school.  I feel GUILTY typing that but this summer has been so hard.  He has tested me every way possibly could this summer and I am very ready for a break.  I love him so much and I know I am going to miss him and I know I am going to feel crazy without him at home, but I think this is the perfect time for him to go to school.
I am so excited to have school start...I am so excited to have time to be at school and help out with the classroom as much as possible can!   I never have been able to do this before!  I am so excited to do this!

grandpa is dying

He relapsed...he has pneumonia and sepsis...he has decided to not fight it and go home and hospice will be stepping in to take care of the rest.   I am distraught to say the least...I found out on facebook last night.  My uncle put a post up announcing the development and I found out with all of his friends and the rest of the world.
I am suppose to be his favorite granddaughter but seems I get no notice and the fact that I live 395miles away is no big deal to anyone but me.   I will have to make travel arrangements and worry about when and how we will get there.
I am so glad I took the trip to Kansas City when he was ill before.  I need to call him soon and talk to him if he wants.      I need more to talk to Mari and make sure that she understands that I need a few days lead time so I can travel home for the funeral.

THIS SUCKS and there isn't anything I can do about it.

struggling with my daughter's food allergies

Red dye...
after a particularly rough summer and adding red dye to Catie's food allergies, we are struggling.   She is finding that lots of foods that she loves she can't have any more.   The list is grow and daily we come across stuff that she can no longer have.  
It reminds me of the shellfish all over again!
This list is worst though...most processed foods have some sort of coloring in it these days.  I have had to look at every label and many more than I expected have red dye in them these days.   Even worse is at the restaurants we have had to ask about  most ingredients and more and more have dye in them. 
Between her shellfish allergy, her vegetarian streak, and the new red dye allergy...we might as well call it a draw and just eat at home.  It's just getting to hard to trust that someone else isn't going to hurt my baby.

I need to assemble a list a things that Catie can't have for her teacher to have on hand...but that will be so incomplete...that I am REALLY hesitant to even send it.

I also am suppose to send snacks for her to have for birthday parties...so when other kids birthdays happen she can have a snack because most birthday cupcakes have red dye. I am going to have to find a good snack for her to have on days that the kids have a snack that she can't have. 

This all so complicated....I am just so glad it's not one of the major foods like wheat or milk or eggs.

Hate being repremanded by other parents!!!!

Was at the good old "Golden Arches" today for a play date...much needed time out for mommy!   My kids were playing pretty well today and to there credit they weren't fighting with each other for once.   My son came running up to me and told me that he was having trouble getting into one of the pieces of equipment because there were two children in it being mean.   So I told him to go find his sister to ask her for help.   She was sitting right in front of me and I said..."hey can you go help your brother out?"   My thought being take care of your little brother.   I want her to get in the habit of watching out for him...they are both going to be at school together this year...I was expected to take care of my little brother and he took care of me.
A few minutes later this big guy comes over and puts these two kids in front of me and asks me why I sent my daughter to disciple his kids and was that the way I wanted to handle that situation?
I was blown away!  I hate confrontation...I use to thrive on it...anymore it just upsets me and makes me sick to my stomach.   He said he overheard my conversation with my son and didn't approve of the way I handled it.   Really???  You don't approve???   Too bad mister! I have kids and you have kids and I get raise mine the way I want and you get raise yours the way you want.

As he was walking away I asked him if he had preferred if I had climbed up in the playland and sorted out the nonsense for the kids...or let them work it out themselves.  He didn't respond.  I followed up by telling him that I try and let my kids deal with their own disagreements themselves.

I don't get involved...because really their boss is not going to appreciate it if I call and try and straighten out a misunderstanding or disagreement...their girlfriend in high school or college isn't going to want to talk to me when they have a fight.   They boy friend isn't going to take a break up from me very well...although it might be easier on my child that isn't the best thing for them.   Life is full of times when we have to deal with things that are hard and we have to deal with it our self.

Yes I had Catie help him!!!   But if I had a boyfriend that was bugging me that I didn't know what to do...I wouldn't go to my dad....I would have called my brother...in a heart beat...that's what brother's are for.   IT was a teaching moment for my children and do I feel guilty???  Nope!   AM I upset???  You betcha!   I was talking to a good friend who I don't see often enough and I like and respect her.
My husband and I are in the process of becoming foster parents and want to adopt.   Lastly my parenting ability was called into question.

I stand by my decision...but dang it....why did that dad have to be there....in reality the kids didn't have any problems...Catie said the boys said they weren't coming out so they went into the other plane and Alex was fine with that.   Two minutes later he was back down on the floor running around like a racer....his kids didn't even get bumped from their spot...he was just being a butt!

single mom from time to time

I have the best husband in the whole world!   I must be having a hormonal day or something!   Because today I feel like sometimes I feel like a single mother.   I called Nathan to see if he could take a morning off of work so we could take our son to an event called Day of the Dozer.   It's billed as a day of fun in the dirt and earth moving...I'm sure I will have tons of fun.   When I called I found that he would be again working...no real big surprise...but now I have to go do this dirt thing by myself with Alex.
I have to say this has happened so many times I can't even count...but I am very lucky...mist chef's wife's don't get as lucky as I am because Nathan has made every effort to be available when I need him...most chefs are not that way.   I am a very lucky girl.    I just tend to spend most evenings and all weekends with my kids instead of my husband.

adopt an older child?

So as our agent was walking out when she was finishing up our homestudy she told us about a 7 almost 8 year old boy who needs a home now.  His foster family was going to adopt him but has decided not to, because they are moving and cannot complete the work before the move?  
So she just mentioned it...
She was just mentioning it to all her families.  He is older than we are looking for and it concerns me that his family that was going to adopt him all of the sudden doesn't doesn't want to adopt him.   BUT at the same time this a little boy who needs a home now...
I have talked to both of the kids...Alex and Catie are both ok with the idea of having an older child live with us as long as we can be foster parents to a younger child later on.

Facebook? to remain active or to deactivate?

Not sure if I am going to keep my Facebook account much longer.  We are so close to getting the license and I seem to be running into trouble almost daily on Facebook.   I also won't be able to post pictures of all my children.  I am concerned that I might make the mistake of posting a picture of our "other" child and get into trouble.     That could get us into some serious trouble too.
I seem to offend people with my comments...and today it was a political cartoon.   I just can't seem to win and it just doesn't seem worth it.
I'm going to give it a few more days and talk to Nathan and see what he thinks.     I may just leave the account active so I can see what people are doing and just not post anything else from now on....

School starts in 3 weeks~ yeah~ I think???

I am ready to get back into the swing of things!   My kids are getting squirrelly and I am getting worn down...summer is almost over and I am feeling done.  At the VERY same time I am feeling really guilty for wishing away my last summer with my boy.   He is 5 and going to Kindergartner this year.  I will be all alone until we have a new child.  It will be just me and I am sorry that I am having these feelings. 
Mom guilt is one of those guilt's that soaks into your soul and drains the life right out of you....
You feel like you aren't being the best mommy you can be and you start comparing yourself to other mommies...then BAMMMM!  Someone else is doing the job better than you could be. 
The truth is ...my kids love me...they love being home.   They love the things we do.   We have had a AWESOME summer.   They are getting tired of being home too...we running out of things to keep us entertained.   It's bound to happen when we have had this many HOT days in one summer.  I think we have done very well.
I am going to muster on and we are going to prepare for school...Alex is practicing his name and Catie is reading Anne of Green Gables.  It's been an Awesome Summer~
See you on the flip side!

Today is the day! #2

Today is the last of many , many steps in the process of becoming foster parents.   We are having the compliance study.   We are so ready.  BUT...my house may not be...this is the step where she comes and examines our house.   Our agent is going to make sure our house is fit for a child of any age for 0-18.  I am moderately worried that we are not ready for all that.  We will have to wait and see what she says, but until then I am moderately worried and a little stressed.
Nathan as usual is cool as a cucumber and not worried about a thing.  He just doesn't seem to have a concern about anything at all.   He figures it will happen when it happens.   We also had the conversation about what we want and don't want in a child from foster care.   It wasn't a total shock.  We have been talking though the process and it's been a learning process for both of us.

Moving forward-compliance study

• So our agent is back from vacation and she called.  Nathan's background check was reviewed by her supervisor and approved.  We scheduled our compliance study for next Tuesday.   Now that things are moving forward I am a little worried that Nathan and I need to talk more...a lot more.  We have some conversations we need to have about what will be and won't be OK when we are licensed.  I am the primary contact and the first person the agency will contact when they have a child they need to have a home for.  I need to know Nathan's desires because If I let a child into our house he's not going to be ok I know it's going to be the red dog all over again....I am scared!   I do not want him to resent me over any child.   So I am worried....I need to talk to my husband.   

vacations...everyone is entitled...right?

So Nathan sensing my distress...finally!  Stopped by the agency and found out our agent is on vacation still...
She's entitled to a vacation right?  I guess the biggest issue for me isn't that she is on vacation...it's that she hasn't called to give us any information since June 4th.    I am still feeling some distress!

Silly musings

This blog has been something of a bit of therapy and a bit of fun...I write to get out the words I can't say out loud.   Much less the words I can't say publicly...sometimes...I should hold my tongue more often.  I hit 7 thousand readers today...how funny.   This little old blog was started as a private diary or journal of sorts when I was at a really low time in my journey of self exploration.   Now I am writing about all kinds of things that affect my daily life...my trial as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a citizen of this nation and this planet...all the things that bug me and make me happy.  It's turned out to be very therapeutic and sometimes the best part of my day.

in laws and foster care and adoption

My husband's parents told him last night that they heard on BBC that there were countries in the European Union that had set up locations for children to just be dropped off for adoption because families were struggling so hard over there.
1. Does this change they way we are heading in our adoption/foster care process? no
2. Does this make me wonder if they support our decisions in our process? yes
3. Does this make me wonder if they understand our process? yes

I did some more research...indeed there are some places in Europe you can just drop off a baby...in Russia.  You have been able to do that for several years it was set up so people were not dropping there babies into garbage dumps and such.   I reminded my husband that in Kansas and Missouri they made laws several years before we moved for mothers to drop off newborns at fire stations, police stations and hospitals without risk of punishment.   It's to protect the child's life.

What my in laws are referring  to is different and similar at the same time...and so very sad.  The county of Greece has experience such a horrible meltdown that many families are finding the simple truth is they can't afford to feed all of the mouths in the house.   They have started asking the government to take the children into their version of foster care and keep them until the family can be put back together.   So yes families are being split up...but in the temporary sense...at least that is the hope.   Many of the families hope to rejoin after the crisis has been finished and everything is restored...but no one knows how long that will take.   The saddest part of all of this is this culture very deeply prides itself on family heritage.  
I pray that our country can avoid this kind of meltdown. 

Lastly I am concerned that my in laws and brother in law are going to be very brokenhearted when we actually bring home one of these broken children...I think the idea of a foster child is scary to them.   I think they are truly worried I don't know what to tell them or how to ease their mind.   We still have a long way to go!

forgiveness

Over the past few mornings I have woke up to the memory of some strange silly thing I did in my youth...some funny, some sad, all things I need to ask God for forgiveness for, and wondered why now? 
I think that as we age we start examine the life we have lead and feel remorse for the wrongs we have caused.   I just never imaged this examination would interrupter my sleep.  And it surely has been over the last few days...I have woken up before 6 am on all of the days to sit and relive the moments and then to talk them over with God.
They just aren't the kind of moment I pictured would be troubling me...I mean the ones that would be waking me from my sleep.  They were small things.  The last one was telling my grandmother a lie...and it's the only one I can remember.  That's how insignificant they are...I can't even remember what what was keeping me awake the first two times. 
Maybe it's that God is trying to teach me in these moments....dang it if I know what the lesson is suppose to be...I need to be more awake God to pay attention to a lesson.   Or maybe it's just the act of forgiveness in it's self.  I think I am pretty good at forgiving....but maybe there is something big God is preparing me for....
Oh no...I hope not
I don't know if I am ready yet

three kids in one house...

I am not sure I am ready for this...my parents brought my niece to visit this weekend...it's been one fight after another.   Mostly between my kids wanting to play with their cousin...but I don't know how this going to be any different with another child. My daughter is so head strong...this is going to be interesting.   We will see how this goes.

Foster care stalemate

My last three weeks I have been waiting for answers...I have not heard from the agency.  I have not heard from my agent.   I finally worked up the nerve on Friday to call and find out what was going on and found out that our agent is out of town or ill or something until the 15th of July.  I am loosing my mind. I feel like I am being tested to see what kind of patience I'm going to have with the agency when it comes time to deal with them for real.   This situation is so frustrating...but I will continue to wait and try to be patient.
My kids are doing a good job of planning how things will be when we have our other child...they are so certain that it's going to be a baby or it's going to a little girl...they each take turns making plans for what is going to happen...all we know for certain is that Alex is going to be a big brother.

scary realization

I came to a scary realization today...scary enough it if caused me to have a migraine.   We haven't heard back from the agency about the background check and it's a wait that is killing me.  Every day that we wait make me wonder are we going to get out license?  As I am voicing this concern to Nathan today, I ask him do we consider going back to the adoption plan if foster care doesn't work out?  He then reminded me that in the state of IL all adoptive parents are licensed foster parents first...so we have to get our license or we are not going to be to be parents to any more children than Alex and Catie.
I wonder is God preparing me for the idea that I am not going to have anymore kids...it's alarming!  I want a bigger family and I really want to be the hands and feet of God that reach out and help children in need.   These children in foster care desperately need help...my heart hurts for them.
So then my thoughts turned to the money that Catie just raised in the garage sale...what do we do with that if we don't have foster children?   I am going to leave it up to Catie, but I am going to encourage Catie to donate all of it, either in money or buying & donating something to a local agency.

WAITING!!! still

What the Hell??
I haven't heard anything in weeks...I keep waiting...and waiting ...and waiting.  My patience is really being tested quiet honestly.  Every single day I wake up and want to call out agency and check and see what is going on.  I don't know what to do!  I know we are waiting on one key piece of paperwork...an important piece of paperwork.  Nathan's background check is still on hold...we don't know why there is a hold on it. We won't know for sure until it comes in...why won't it come in????
So we wait!  Or I guess it's more fair to say I wait!   My husband doesn't seem to mind the wait...he just seems to go on with his life as if the wait doesn't bother him. My kids remind me daily that we are waiting...and it's driving me crazy.  We did all this work...and now we can't do anything...we are stuck in a holding pattern.  Just waiting...I am going to go crazy.

you don't want to eat meat?

My daughter has been flirting with vegetarian for the last year for over two years.  We have tried everything we could think of when it came to get her to eat meat.  She has made the choice over and over to choose to not to eat meat at school everyday.  She eats something called sunbutter (made from sunflower seeds)  everyday.   I offered to make her lunch and she has opted not to take a lunch.  
She will eat lunch meat at home.   sometimes....
If I say I am going to McDonald's she breaks down in tears though.   I have to wait until she is on a play date or at school to go out to lunch because of her allergies and food dislikes to eat out. 
This is getting ridiculous. 
I am just saying...it's really hard to have a child that is choosing to eat differently!   IT would be different if she had a medical reason but this is just a dislike....

retraction/ separation of class

I did something I rarely do...in fact, it has only happened one other time!  I retracted my post from earlier today.  I was in a bad mood and put out a post that was not appropriate for my blog.  Yes I said my blog would sometimes be messy and yes I said I might not always say things so nice, but I also need to keep my husband out of it.

With that said....I still think that there is a class system alive and well in our country and it's hard to overcome.   I pray my kids don't have to experience it too often as we frequent these locations that place them in them in positions that make them targets for scrutiny.

sepration of classes is still in effect here in America

Yesterday we went to my daughter's swim meet...it was a HOT day and we had to be there extra early for team picture and we decided to we would stake out a table...something we never do...we let the club set have them usually.   It was so hot though and the umbrella was a nice change.    As we sat there the other tables filled in and the one next to us had been saved with a bag by some girls as they came in for their family.   A few minutes later another family came in and found that all the other tables with umbrellas had been taken and saw the unmanned table and moved in...I watched in surprise and shock as mom...deftly moved the bag to a chair and spread all their towels and things out.   It was a thing to behold.  A few minutes later the young girls came back and found their things moved aside and were quickly apologized to, but what were they going to do...make them all move now?  I never saw anything like it in my life...
As we watched the meet many people greet my husband warmly (not because of the weather) they do love his food!   The family next to us kept making comments about isn't that the chef's? is that his wife?  does he have kids in the meet?  Then finally the father gets up and comes over and in the most condescending tone I have heard I think ever he tells my husband "it sure is nice to see you out enjoying the benefits of the club"   I have never felt so small as I did in that minute...sure we are staff family but my husband busts his ass 5-7 days a week at that club so assholes like him can eat at their whim and be assholes like that....
Sorry for my attitude...I really was mad and really mad that my kids were sitting at the table to hear that exchange....maybe it was just me...maybe my husband didn't hear it the same way...I don't think he heard all of the questions leading up to the final confrontation...but I certainly feel the seperation between the classes here in Bloomington sometimes...

Then there are other days that it just doesn't exist....my kids both have some good friends at the club and they really enjoy being there...but who doesn't?

So proud of my Girl...want to nominate my kid for cool kid of the week!

My daughter did what I didn't really believe she could do...she had a fundraiser.  She had a garage sale to raise money to buy new socks and underwear for our new child.  You see we are in the process of becoming foster parents and we don't know what we will be bring home so we would like to have a few pairs of each size boys and girls underwear and socks on hand.  She
She did a great job of arranging the sale and setting up the sale and even advertizing the sale.  The best part about the sale was her salesmanship.  It took some practice telling everyone why she was having the sale and telling them that prices were by donation....she was only a little afraid to say what she was doing.   Once she was on a roll she was gone! 
She only had one person try to take advantage of her...a little disappointed I had to step in...feel kind of bad...and still not sure I should have...it was a donation sale...but the lady was clearly trying to take advantage of my baby.  
In the beginning Catie told me she wanted to help other children besides our other child...she asked how she could do that...I told her I wasn't sure but I would think about it.  I didn't have to think long before she came back to me and said she had an idea...what if she gave some of the money to the agency from the sale...I said that was a great idea and we agreed on amount and she is taking them a check tomorrow for $27.15
I couldn't be prouder if I had two of her!  She make my heart sing and I am the happiest mom on the planet!

garage sales suck....

Can I just say that again!!!  Garage sales SUCK!!!  I hate having garage sales!   It's like a failing black whole and they are very costly and time consuming and draining and damn the piss me off!   I hate garage sales.   So when Catie decided she wanted to have a garage sale!  Sure no problem!
You can have one baby girl!   I am right there behind you!  It's all your responsibility though! HA!  Fat chance!  Here I am up late making signs...not enough sleep waking up every hour...in a bad mood...cranky and dealing with a bitching daughter who can't figure out why there are NO customers! Yeah I hate garage sales!   They SUCK!

Concerned

What if? 
We are heading to Kansas City on Father's day...to see my grandfather. He is very ill.  He has Leukemia and has a fever tonight....I am traveling one week from tonight....one week from tonight to see him....one week from tonight to be beside his bed and hold his hand.  I am scared....I am scared I am not going to get the chance to see him...I am scared I am going to get there and he is going to be gone.  That happened once before.
I am almost as scared to get there and see how bad he is...how sick he is...how consuming this disease is!   I hate it and I am sick of it!  It's taken too much from me and I am loosing someone else I love from this bold and awful disease.  
I am praying we make it in time...I need to see him and at least hug him and tell him I love him...I miss him.
I don't know what I am going to do without him in my life...I don't see him  that often...but I love him dearly and my kids love him dearly and they really know what is going on...and this is breaking my heart and their heart.
So I ask again...what if?

so weird

Have you ever felt like you have been black listed...I know the phrasing is bad...but that is how I feel right now...I made upset someone and all of the sudden her friends are all pissed off at me...it's kind of funny...but at the same time I feel kind of hurt too.  I thought some of there were my friends...guess not.  The ones who have not changes there behavior clearly are my true my friends.   The others I clearly do not need.

We are so close.....to foster care

So yesterday our agent came out measured our bedrooms....we are getting closer....and closer every day.    We got our background checks.   Nathan has something on his that is in question...don't know what...but we will get it worked out.  We got all of our reference letters in and all of our nosy questions are done...the classes are done.  WE ARE GETTING SO CLOSE!  I am getting excited~ and scared and nervous.  Nathan and I are reviewing the 123 Magic discipline system and going to implement that  right away.  We got a crib and a twin bed...I have been picking up kids clothes at garage sales here and there as I can.
Catie my sweet girl has decide to have a garage sale to raise money to outfit any child we take in...she's so sweet.   I love her to bits.   She also decided she wanted to donate some of the money to the agency because other kids need our help too....she so sweet.   I hope we raise lots of money so we have a lot of money to donate to the agency.

Angry!

Today I feel very angry!  My kids are behaving like street urchins and fools and the volume of their voices in general would make a nun want to swear like a sailor and the news I have received over and over again today has just been bad!  An old family friend is loosing his life after a massive heart attach this week...he is being sent home today to live with hospice...and has days maybe a week to live.  A pastor loosely related to our church has another failed adoption.  This makes three and a failed adoption is like a failed pregnancy...it's like being pregnant and going all the way to term and have a still born child...I grief for this family....this loss is strong felt though our college community and I don't know it will effect them.  Not to mention how it will effect this couple who so desperately want a baby...I pray they get some answers and some peace...they grief they must be feeling right now must be unbearable.   Whatever brought them to adoption was not an easy thing either....I am sure this has not been an easy battle for them...my thoughts and prayers go out to them...my heart just hurts and is breaking for them.  Lastly I have a very close family member who I cannot name that is facing cancer...this AWFUL~UGLY~NASTY illness has taken so much from me...I can't even speak the work with out almost being will.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to tell my kids...I am just barely able to wrap my mind around it myself....I am desperate with anger and rage at the thought of loosing this person.   This is not suppose to happen again!  This is not suppose to happen in my life again!!!  Not in this lifetime!  I have lost two people I loved so very much.  I don't know how this disease can be so vile and be so wicked and so quiet that no one hears it coming...it sneaks in and it rips families apart and leaves lives in shambles and children without mothers.  So I rage quietly my kids don't hear a sound...I tell them to behave and I set them in time out for misbehaving and discipline as calmly as I can,  but inside I rage!~   


thank God for my Blog so I can get out this pain...and not leave all of it inside...I spill some of the rage...some of the hate...some of the nastiness.    but at least it's not inside of me anymore...I feel lighter already....a few deep breaths and I will let go and this will have to be put to bed and out of my mind for a while because collectively...there is nothing I can to about all of this ugliness tonight.

are we going to loose are ablity to speak?

I was having a conversation with a lady at church yesterday and she said that a study had been done that most two year old had held a electronic device of some sort.   It got me wondering aloud if our child will continue to communicate the way we do in the future....with spoken word?   Then that worried me that we could evolve into beings that could loose the ability to speak and sing....that makes me so sad

about us

 A little bit about us....Nathan and I got married 12 years ago and wanted children right away and it was a struggle...we waited.  It was a little over 1year and half before I went to see a specialist.  With his help we had a beautiful baby girl a year and half later...and three years later her baby brother.  We thought we might want more but knew there was going to be challenges and we had to move here from Kansas City. We were excited and scared and not sure what the future held for us.  We knew that we didn't want to do fertility dance again and gave it to God.  We are very strong in our faith...and knew that God had a plan for us.  We had talked about adopting once we had our own biological children.  So our next step was to do some research the more we researched the more we knew that God was calling us to a bigger purpose.  So here we are today...becoming Foster parents and possibly adopting.  I couldn't be happier, I am still scared but life is full of surprises and God reveals things I never would have imagined in a million years.  
My daughter has decided to have a garage sale to raise money to help pay for the expenses of having a foster child.  She so funny and cute...and sweet.   Alex of course chimed in that he wanted to help...so he selling Popsicles... 
So here we go
again

Foster care...the last class

The last class is over and done...we are still not done with licensing and we are still no closer to being foster parents then we were two days ago yet I am hopeful.    The last meeting was a round table and panel discussion with professionals from the system and children who have been though the system and a biological mother who fought to get her child back out of the system.   It was so eye opening...not only did I want to take all of the young ladies home who where still in foster care but I felt a strong desire to give the biological mother a hug for all that she went though.   This system is flawed and we are just at the front end of it...we have a lot of work to do and this is going to be a hard road we have chosen.  We still have one tb test to go...Catie is not looking forward to that.   Neither am I....I think I may let her dad take care of that visit.

Nosy home-study questions

I am always a little freaked out by the nosy home-study questions...they just keep coming too.   My friends that have gone though the process assure me that this is normal...or at least I think those were assurances??? It is all so confusing and so bewildering and a little intimidating.  I really feel for the  agent too...she has to ask all the fun questions...like why didn't I seek counseling after I was prescribed depression medication before I had Alex or was it after I can't remember now.     And did I just quit taking the medication or did the doctor take me off of it???  Do people just quit taking prescribed medication without consulting their doctor?  That doesn't seem safe?   Then she started asking me questions about Nathan....poor Nate.  I already felt pretty burned so I was quick to pass the phone off...I didn't feel like I could answer his questions properly any way.  I did find that I need two more classes and those need to happen soon.  Those are up in Peoria also....boo....hiss....
We are working on selling my green car to save money to buy a new vehicle.  Nathan is going to get a scooter and ride it back and forth to work in order to save money on gas and insurance.    We will see how this goes.

Mother's Day/ Anniversary

My husband and I have been married for 12 years today!  I am so happy!  It's hard to believe that it's been 12 years...it feels like many more years and many less all at the same time.  I can't even explain that if I tried.  I am so ready to have brunch with my kids...I can't wait to have dinner with my family! 
I can't wait to celebrate another many years years together. 

To teach her to sew or not...that is not a question?

I was online this morning looking for a simple sewing pattern for my daughter's girl scout troop.   So I googled teach my daughter to sew.  Half of the entries that came up were don't teach your daughter to sew...she's a modern girl, don't teacher to sew... only a man would require her to know how to do that, don't teach her to sew, I did just fine without it...and all kinds of crap like that!  I was more than half offended!  Here I was trying to give my daughter and her fiends a life lesson and all these "well meaning" women were trying to discourage me because someone screwed them up.
    I guess we all are a little screwed up...but why tell me not to teach my daughter to sew because of your particular screwed up.  That's like saying don't teach your son to drive because my dad ran over my dog with his truck while he was drunk. 
Ok...I'm gonna get off my soapbox now, but darn straight be sure I am teaching those girls to sew this summer.

Stay at Home Mom

Why do people just assume I'm going to be at home since I'm a stay at home mom?   Just because I don't work doesn't mean I don't have things to do...I have a life and responsibilities for sure.  My children have things they are in and I have things I am involved in that take me away from the house several times a week. That is only more so during the summer!  So please don't just assume I am going to be at home and I am going to be here to wait for stuff you are sending or a phone call or anything else.
That does not mean I don't love you or I don't want the the things you have to offer it just means that like the rest of the world it will have to wait till I can get to it.
Love,
This Not So Stay At Home Mom

vaction and strangers

OK so Nathan and I both had strange experiences this vacation with strangers.   His first since it happened first chronologically.   We went to the luau at the Polynesian resort for dinner and the show...my dinner was all screwed up because of my pineapple allergy and our server was all in a tissy over it...yes I said tissy!  She was just bent all out of shape and worried I was going to get up-set.  No big deal I assured her over and over again....surely this has happened before...NO this never happen~~~They did eventually get it worked out.   The server was so glad that we were so understanding...I explained that Nathan was a chef and we understood that it's hard to make everyone happy at the same time...she reach over and planted a great big kiss on him....I think she was a little intoxicated.    I asked Nathan  "did she just kiss you?"   he shook his head yes and kind of looked stunned...All I could do was chuckle!

My stranger experience was on the way home.  We had a meal at the airport in Orlando and were sitting next a couple that had just had a vacation with their grandchildren.  They live in the city to the north of us and were traveling the same way so it seemed nice to sit and talk to people going the same way who had just had a similar experience...boy was I wrong.   The kids were having a great time...our dinner came.   The couple next to us had decided not to order any thing to eat...they were going to eat on the layover in Atlanta.  Nathan made a comment about if I didn't finish mine slide it his way...I knew I wouldn't finish based on how I've been eating so I pushed the peppers to the side for him and planned to hand over half.  The husband of the couple made a comment about handing some to him too...I though he was just being funny.  I ate my little bite and Nathan asked for a chip...so I just gave him half of mine.   I was really getting full...so I started to push the rest of mine away when the stranger to my right pipes up..."your not gonna finish that?"   "Well no I'm pretty full and don't want any more"  Then the stranger ask "can I have the rest of them then, and the salsa too"   "sure, your welcome to them"  
He then told me over and over how generous I was for giving him my left over nachos that were really not very good to begin with....I think he was just very cheap and didn't want to spend the money on his own meal!  

Vacation was a huge success and I had a great time...these were just two funny stories I couldn't help sharing!


 

scary

What would happen to us?  This week a family at church lost the father in a car accident.  For me those kind of moments cause me to examine what would happen to the kids and I if something if Nathan died in a car accident.  I am not educated I would have to go back to school.  I am not employed I would have to get a job.  We do not have saving...I would have to beg my parents for a place to move home and likely sell most of our possession in order for that to be an option since my parents house is full of possessions already.  I guess that would take care of some moving expenses???  Then my mind wondered to what would happen if we had more children...wow this will be harder!  Then of course my mind wonders to what happens if I die...where do my husband and kids go???  Do they stay here?  Does Nathan try and remain a working dad at the Country Club, or does he move to Springfield and get to know his family better?  Does he move to Kansas City and use my huge family as the large resource they could be?  So many questions and no answers...

disappointing

I keep disappointing people.  Until last night I couldn't figure out what was wrong.  I was late picking Alex up from school and didn't get Catie a slush till after girl scouts and I fall into bed exhausted at 11.
Nathan just looks at me and says I guess you are too tired...well yeah it's 11 and I have been up since 7 and had a busy day.  :(  Everyone is disappointed including me...I can't figure out what's going on...then it dawns on me that every time I started something yesterday it seemed it was just a little late.  Or maybe delayed...I think that maybe the new dose of medication has delayed my timing as if my timing wasn't already delayed by being a Kienzle already.  Now I need to really be paying attention to the time and looking at clocks and starting a few minutes ahead of when I would have before.  I don't know how I am going to do this....I hope I can remember...that part of my brain hasn't been functioning since this medication kicked in.  We will see won't we..

pictures

I am getting horrible about taking pictures.  I forget to take them.  I don't think any were taken of my birthday parties!  AAAAAAHHHH!!!!  I so wanted so proof that I had a thirty fifth birthday.  So if anyone happened to take a picture or two...please forward for post them...I know my brother took a not flattering one at 2 am...please forward, but don't post...little brother.  I love pictures...they show our true nature.  You can't always hide all your feeling from the camera.  You can hide some of them...you can hide most of them, but you can not hide all of them.   My children take great pictures...they have been conditioned to wait for me to take  their picture...I seem to always have a camera or my cell phone and am always taking a picture.  It's my responsibility as a mom to document every living breathing part of their lives...isn't it....Catie sometimes gets tired of it...but at other times, it's almost as if she is expecting me to jump out of the bushes and capture the little things...even the not so important things.   Sometimes I wonder if I have done her a disservice by paying to much attention to her sometimes???  Will she be able to to get along with out mom following her around documenting her every movement? She is very independent for the most part and would flip out if I followed her into the shower or anything like that....lol.  She's probably is perfectly well adjusted but just a little self centered as every eight year old is...I hope this wears off.  Alex on the other hand is not self centered he is Catie centered and is set on driving her totally bonkers.  My live is crazy right now! 


Why do we want more???

Grrrr!!!! Stupid insurance company!

I know they are they to provide support for people when the horrific happens.  Like cancer, heart attack or stroke, but I might just develop one of those while trying to deal with this company!
 Today Nathan ( Knight in Shining Armor) has made 4 calls to the insurance company and 2 calls to the doctors office.  Thankfully the doctors office has been VERY patient with me (us).
  The Insurance company specifically wants a call from the doctor...the doctor doesn't want to spend all his time on the phone with insurance companies so he writes letters.   Insurance company says they don't receive letters, but somehow are denying the doctors requests, can you deny something you didn't receive....I don't know if they ACCEPT telepathic request now or what....but the doctor's office had us call and get a fax number a name of a person to receive the fax and who would be responsible for the information should it get lost again.  Apparently without receiving these requests for the medication and the explanation  have no idea why I would need them!~   Feeling a little pissy today!
 On the upside I lost 10 pounds since I saw the doctor last...
 


So tired of the run around!!!

However at the recommendation of a good friend I will be calling and bugging the crap out of this company until I get what I need...they keep saying they they are not getting the letter for the doctor...but the doctor's office has faxed it over like 4 times already...so be prepared for me to get annoying HUMANA!!!

Getting older

I don't mind...it just means I'm still alive.... and that is a wonderful thing!  I'm getting wrinkles and sun spots and that's ok...I earned them.  I am not enjoying grey hair...mostly because it;s a slow progression...I think if it happened all at once I would be ok with it.  I don't like multi tonal hair.  It just doesn't suit me.  I feel aches and pains...some of them worst than others, but at least I know at the beginning and end of the day I am alive.  Today has been pretty much the same as yesterday...again...not tidal wave.  No tornado...and that is good news.  The up side is I feel like me and I think I am starting to figure out who me is.  In a few years I think I will know what I want to be when I grow up and have a career.  Until then I am content to be me and enjoy my day of thirty five.

Looks like it going to happen

On the eve of my 35th birthday I am looking back at the last year and tonight seems pretty anticlimactic really.  I don't know if I was expecting a tidal wave or tornado...but here it is and I am still here and couldn't be happier.  My life feel pretty good.  Dad and Marsha are happily married and have a great place to eventually retire.  Bill and Carol are happily living retirement near John and Michele but wish us closer.  Tim and Susan are in their own house with Anna and Ox and doing good.  Adam and Tiff have their place with their kids and Amanda has Barry and Hayden and one on the way.  John and Michele life quietly in Springfield enjoying their children.  I love my family...I enjoy my friends...both near and far.  I miss Kansas City for so many reasons and every-time we go home I try and show my kids a little more of where I grew up and where I am from....My hometown.  I have to admit pulling into our driveway it feels good to be in Bloomington...I LOVE it here.  I love the people.  I love our church.  I love our friends.  I love our "club."  I love that everywhere I go I run into people I know and they embrace me like an old friend and that feels good.   There is a deep part of me that never wants to leave.  Still there is a deeper part of me that knows I belong closer to home...closer to my peeps...closer to the family that know my story.
Celebrating my birthday with my family last weekend was really like old times.  I remember celebrating the hot summer nights at Grandma Sally's house till the wee hours of the night.  It was so much fun and so worth the drive home and so worth the headache.  I really miss my family, but mostly I am, really happy and glad this birthday is coming and going.
No tornado or tidal wave....

talking about the dead...

ok so I know I am guilty of this to some degree....so feel free to call me on it.   But I am REALLY starting to get upset about some people only talking to me about dead people.   I am alive and you are alive...lets be alive together.  Don't call me on the phone to talk about our dead relatives.  Don't cry every time you see me because I remind you of my mom....please I have to look in the mirror every day!   Don't show up and act like the only thing we have in common is dead people.  WE are ALIVE...breathing...living happy...hopefully healthy individuals.  I really might want to have a relationship with you but I am truly struggling with the idea that you are stuck in the past.  I am moving on.  I had to...if I didn't I don't think I would have survived.  You have to get out of that rut and you will feel so much better.  My life took a path I never EVER expected and I couldn't be happier...well maybe if I didn't have migraines.  The truth is.  I don't talk too much about my mom's passing because it hurts.  I know it happened...it will always be there.  She will always be a part of me.   I love her and she created me, but I have to move on. 
I have two children that depend on me to be alive and if I live in the past everyday I am in the past I am not spending the time I need to with them...I hope to show them who mom was without making a big deal out of the fact that she died but I know that will factor into how they relate to who she was. 
Mom is gone, but I AM NOT!  Talk to me now...about now or please don't talk to me at all....at least not right now....

write away...medical denial letter

Now I have to figure out how to compose a letter to the insurance company that conveys my need for the medication.   One of my medications is making it painfully hard for me to place words where they need to be in the order at the right time and with some kind of meaning...this will be a challenge but I think I am up for it.  With Nathan's help and God I can do anything.   I called the doctor today and they basically told me today this final denial there is nothing left for them to do.  I have to fight for my self....So I WILL!  I am sick and tired of this DARN headaches!  I feel like parts of my life are being cut off.  We can't have kids biologically any more...ok.  We can deal with that....it's painful, but it can be dealt with.  I have days where I can't function at all...I can't even move.  I get up just to throw up.  Nathan can't take a sick day every time that happens.  So sometimes my kids get to see mom at her worst on the couch with a pillow on her head and a bucket beside the couch.  On those days Catie makes dinner...they have peanut butter and jelly and apple sauce.  If they are lucky I have pizza rolls in the freezer and they don't have to have PB&J again.  Cause this may have happened just last week.
Thankfully this has never happened when Miles is here...for some reason...my headaches build though the day and don't hit critical until about 6:30, but by then my day has just sucked and everyone has felt how bad it is.  If you have ever been around for one of the bad one you know I am a bear when I don't feel good.
The truth is when all of our classes are over  and we are legal foster parents...it's going to be hard for me to say yes to the agency for placement of a foster child when I feel like a bad mother now...
I NEED to get this worked out with the insurance company and NOW!

WOW what a party!

Ok...so I am not 25 any more...but I sure did have fun partying all night like I was.  My dad let up party at his house until 2 am.   It was so much fun to see all my family and old friends.  I have missed them so much living so far away.  It was like a time warp.  It was so much like being back at Grandma Sally's house..yet so different at the same time.  Anyone that got experience both of those thing will tell you the same thing.   My husband keeps asking me if I had a good time...YES I had the best Time!  I really want to make that happen more often.  My kids seem to still be recovering...they don't often stay up as late as they want.  They both took naps yesterday and both slept late today.  Hope Catie does ok back at school today.
One thing I heard over and over again is that I seem very happy...and the truth is I am VERY happy.  Yeah some-days I wish we lived in Missouri or Kansas but the truth is I love living here.   It is safe and Nathan and I are very secure here.  I have changed so much over the last few years.  I am certainly not the woman I was when we moved out here.  I am so glad of that.   I feel so much more confident and and sure of myself.   I also know I can accomplish anything I put my mind to.
The last year has really been a challenge for me but I know that in time it will get better and I will be able to overcome this hurdle as well.  Everyday I feel like I get a little bit better.  If the doctor and the insurance company can a agree on a treatment plan than I will be set.  


I am a lot pissed at the insurance company about my medication being denied over and over again.  I can't figure out if it's the idea that they told me that is the kind they wanted me to use....rather than another kind or the the fact that they think they have a better idea than my doctor of how my medical treatment should be handled that makes me madder!