Three babies born this weekend all under different wonderful blessed circumstances. Don't ya know it was already a hard weekend for me to get though with grandpa dying and all, and then all these babies are born. And then everyone wants to know how our adoption/foster care is going...well to be honest it's not going! I just wanted to crack all weekend! I want to throw a temper tantrum like a three year old...because I can have what I want...another baby.
I am broken....
My body will not reproduce and everyone else seems to be able to make babies...yes I have to beautiful children! I made them...but they took hard work and tears and more hard work and too many nights of counting and planning and unsexy, unloving, get it done now to have my kids. I don't want that!
I'm angry at my body after all these years it is still betraying me! It has betrayed me since the beginning of my marriage! I try very hard to fix it...yet I know deep in my heart there is nothing I can do to truly fix it...it is broken, I have to accept it and move on. I though I had. I try I really do. I want this adoption! I want foster care so badly! I want to help these children so desperately. What I really want is to make our family whole. I feel like we are missing someone...just one person is missing...and until they are here...we are not whole...
and I am broken...
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