Migraines

These stupid headaches...they seem to take over so much of my life when I have one.  I have so much trouble functioning when I have a headache.  It's like someone has taken my head and replaced it with a bowling ball that has a tic.  It's awful and kind of depressing...so I guess I can understand why Nathan asked if I'm getting depressed again.  This headache has had me in my room when the kids aren't home the entire time under a blanket with the lights out the shades drawn and the tv and phones off.  It's kinda how I feel when I'm depressed...accept when I'm depressed it doesn't go away in 5 hours to 3days.  It was so good for a couple of weeks.  I only had one mild headache and then they started all over again.  I'm thinking about getting my eyes examined again to see if my prescription has changed again.  This is just ridiculous!   I don't know how people live with constant migraines...

On  the bright side the two shots the doctor gave me today have taken the edge off the one I have right now...

I need to make a few phone calls regarding the foster care today and would like to be coherent.  I don't think that me not making any sense will be very well received.  Nathan and I sat down and looked at when we will be able to take the pride classes for learning how to foster parents. 

WE have received such positive feedback for being foster parents...it makes my heart swell.  I am so excited.  This is still scary but I am really feeling like this is going to be a great big adventure for us.  Nathan is so into the idea he is making it so easy to be excited!    Everyday it feel more and more right! 

depressed

Nathan just asked if I was getting a little depressed.  hmmmmmmmm...I don't think so.  I feel pretty good.  Accept for these darn headaches.  I did make the comment that I'm glad it's going to snow tomorrow cause it'll be gloomy, but in my defense it's been so sunny that my head has been hurting for days. I'm going to to try acupuncture I think to see if that has any impact on these darn headaches.  So far Dr Gu has gotten a resounding referral around town.  I think he is the only one in town that does it though.  So I'm gonna keep thinking about it...when it feels right I will do it.

Ok so I think I'm ready to go PUBLIC!

Ok so I am going to go public with my blog...this time...on my own terms.  I have reread all my blog and not much is on there that I feel bad about...it's brutally honest and that's ok...maybe some people don't know the real me...but that's ok.  They will now.  If they want to...

if not no big deal..

life is busy...

I kinda hoped January would be slower pace with Nathan having a slower pace at work, but so far that is not the case.  We have been here there and everywhere....it's crazy!  Last night we had a quick girl scout meeting before we had basketball practice.  Tonight we have nothing, but tomorrow we have small group and Thursday I am meeting Claire in the morning to pick out yarn for hat for the baby.  Then I have small group again on Friday.  I may need to take some time off form one of my small groups while I am working on the home study/Pride classes.  I'm not sure I can do all this.  I am already kinda feeling overwhelmed...is this a good idea???   Without question!  I feel more called today then I did yesterday and more than the day before...I just need to pull back more from the responsibilities I have taken on.

message I needed to hear!

ok...so I have to say with true sincerity I was really feeling a great deal of hesitation about foster care...until yesterday.  Hearing the stories of children who so desperately need homes and families.  It was just the message I needed to hear.  It's amazing to me how God put these people in our lives that tell the story we need to hear.  I am so blessed to be in a place where I can hear these stories...now I pray we can be blessed with a child to love and a family that can be loving and love and love and love this child!
God Give me the strength...

I've been praying

It's a hard road, but one I think we are ready to get on board with.  I am still scared and still not in love with the idea of being a foster parent, but if that's what it takes to make my family whole I am willing.  Mostly I am just so darn scared...I'm sure this is a common fear.  The best thing I can keep doing is keep asking God for help though this adventure.  I am starting to believe that if we are meant to go down this road there must be a child we need to help...or several.  It will be good for all of us. 

It has been a positive thing for sure in my parenting for me.  I am making progress in my discipline and anger control...I think it has confused Alex a little.  He is acting a little rottener than usual because I am not as loud to start out with.  I will keep working and it will be good.

I will keep praying and it will be awesome!

challenge

My husband challenged me to examine what I won't do for my children.  The ones I have and the one I am waiting for...I don't know why I thought this was going to be easy.  I just kind of assumed it would just happen.  I need to be prepared to work hard for this child...really hard, cause this isn't going to be easy.  I am not in love with the idea of being a foster parent.  It just isn't the way I want to make my family, but perhaps it's the way God wants to make our family.    I am really scared!  Not just a little, but a lot.  I am terrified that I am going to have a child that we love and my family is completely in love with, and something is going to happen and all of a sudden our family is torn apart and crushed.  God help me.  I know what's right and I know what we are being directed to do, but I am scared.  I'm gonna keep praying and thinking about this, because Nathan's right.  I will do anything for my children...the ones I have and the one I want.

My resolution 2012

So comes the time of year that...I choose my new years resolution.   For 2012.  I am going to save as much money as possible...so we can put it toward our adoption.  I am also going to do as much as I possible can to improve my weight.  I will do my best to write everyday...on my blog.

lots to think about

We made the decision to adopt. We now need to choose an agency and move forward. Nathan and I will  be looking at The Baby Fold, DSF and maybe some other agencies.  We will have to take it slow and see how this goes.  For right now...we are making every effort to put as much money as possible into savings and save up for this adoption.  I know it's going to be costly.

Amanda is having a baby!

I am so excited and a little freaked out...Amanda is pregnant.  This is so cool...we just decided to make it official and proceed with our plan to adopt and I found out this morning that Amanda is going to be a mommy again...I am going to be an aunt again.  I am also going to talk to Michele about advertising my products for the purpose of raising money for our adoption...I will have to see what she thinks.

Adoption?

So Nathan and I have decided to adopt a child and look forward to making steps in that direction in January of 2012.  We are very excited to be doing this together and making it possible for a child to come into our home and be in a safe loving environment.  I am extremely excited about this and can't wait to find out how long this is going to take.  We have been wrestling with the idea for a little while and I think we are finally at that point.  It looks like it's going to be a long road, but one I am willing to wind if it's what God has in mind for us.  It's going to be a lot of work and likely a struggle.   At least Nathan and I are on the same page about this phase in our life...it's going to be an adventure.

was super pissed, but then I grew up a little...lol

Ok...so we sent out a really positive Christmas letter...we do every year...then one lady gripes on fb that it can't be real...well of course we didn't include the crap.   Like the insurance company turning down genetic testing until I have been diagnosed with cancer, and the migraines that wouldn't go away. Oh and lets not forget the migraines that caused me to not be able to have children any longer.  Oh and there was the little thing about our house not selling and it going back to the bank after 2 years of fighting with realtors, tenants and the bank.  Lets not forget Nathan's blood work got so bad he is now considered a full diabetic now...and if he doesn't get things under control he will be insulin dependent in a few years.  So yeah I'm a little pissed.


Ok so this was a little bit of a rant and not deserved.  I was fairly bent outta shape that day and not feeling so great.  

details...that's where it's at

Last night while at dinner...my daughter asked a question that prompted a discussion about my mom's finally days.  She asked why I didn't go further in girl scouts...it occurs to me that while mom was ill...everything was put on hold because I lived in various places.  I lived with one aunt then another.  I lived with my great aunt for a while and my grandpa and grandma as well.  It changed the way I lived my life for sure...I was not able to attend all the things I once loved.   My life was damaged so irreparably by my mom's illness and death...it's no wonder it has taken me so long to get things back in order...if the ever will be.

looking back

looking back over these posts...one thing I have tried to represest over and over again is that I need to try and see the bigger picture...
We lost the house in Leavenworth...I am effectively not going to have anymore children and we still struggle to get our spending under control.   Self control is so stinking hard...it's something I keep struggling with...in my person as well as my marriage and finances...



Nathan and I are not doing a great job of getting our finances in order this month...it looks pretty bad...I hope we can get it together for the next month.
I am going to hold strong to the tv not till after my birthday...we need to wait!

Self control!

Babies

It's been a little over two weeks since I started watching Miles...he's still a very sweet little guy.  He is very sensitive though.  Poor guy has tummy troubles like Alex and Catie had and it has taken years for them to get better...we literally just got Alex on milk last month.  Thankfully Alex is doing well with that.  He is still dealing with the fever spikes and it's so stressful to have a fever in him every couple of days.  It still concerns me quite a bit that he run a fever so often.  He never seems to be ill just a low grade fever.  Poor little guy.  Back to little Miles though.  He is having a rough time and I need to resist the urge to tell his mom what she should be doing...that is not my place.  I am just his sitter.  This is going to be really hard for me...but I can do it.  He such a sweet little guy.  I hope that long term this works out...I like his family.  They are really nice and really the kind of people I would hang out with.
Still not sure about how I feel about Nathan having read my blog...maybe I posted it to the public and just can't remember.  It's not that I don't trust him...it's really more that this is my private chat with myself...a journal. 

New baby

I have a new baby in my life....his name is Miles.  He's a sweet little four month old boy.  I am doing child care!!!!   Finally. 
Secondly I am not so sure I can be as candid as I once was...
Nathan just told  me he read my blog....I know I know it's out here for anyone to read and public and all but I didn't know he had seen it.  It's kinda like therapy for me and I don't care who reads it that doesn't know me,  but I say things that are private and thoughts that are personal.  so I don't know how I feel about this...we will see

missing him

Life is full of surprises...

Tomorrow morning Nathan is leaving for Springfield again to interview for another job near his parents...I m really excited for him and at the same time scared he might actually get the job.  I know he is an incredible chef. He has impressed me since the day we met with his talents in the kitchen.  I know he is more than qualified to be the executive chef of this club in Springfield but I have to admit I have some reservations.  I know he has what's best for our family in mind but it seems like he can't get us moved and closer to home soon enough.  I know that God is going to put us where we need to be as soon as we need to be there...I can't wait to get there myself,but at what cost to our children.  Catie would have to change schools again and the school I have set up for Alex is so right, right now.  I am feeling a great deal of calling to do this job in the UMW for next year,   but I hope making the commitment isn't going to make it that much harder for me to move. 
I'm gonna miss Nathan while he's gone....it drives me nuts having him not at home over night...I know I need to get over that but I miss him and do have some big issues.

God's time

It's so strange at the beginning of this week I was grieving not being able to have another baby and the child I watch just proved why I don't need another child in our house.  We were so close to loosing the house and today we got a higher offer from the buyer the bank get to look at it again.  My kids gave me the time I needed to catch up on my sleep.  Life looks so much better on this side of the week.  Yeah it was rough but God is working it all out and it will be ok!

clarification

I should our clarify our house in Leavenworth is going to likely be foreclosed on.  The bank has countered that we should pay 5000 in addition to the 37500 the buyer has put up towards the house,  We can't afford that and will likely loose the house in foreclosure.

Dealing

I thought I was doing ok with the loss of not being able to have any more kids...I am concerned that loosing the house in foreclosure is going to give me a migraine.  My disappoint is mine alone in that I know I haven't been faithful in my giving my problems to God.  I know that I have latched on to these problems and now we are in a place that I'm not sure we are going to get out of any time soon.  I am  really worried about dropping into another nasty depression.  It's far too easy for me to internalize these issues and not deal with the real problem.  It's gonna help that I won't be able to be at home in the dark all summer.  With doing childcare I am required to get out and be a caregiver as well as a good mom.  I hope that I can stay afloat.