Catie and her centerpiece

Catie and I went to set up her centerpiece Tuesday evening...she was so excited and nervous.  I am very excited and nervous to see how it does.  It's her first project.   She bought half of the materials herself.  I guess I should go back to the beginning.
I really wanted to do something for The Baby Fold Festival of Trees and wasn't getting any response from the groups I normally work with.   So I went to my daughter and asked her if she would be interested in doing a project with me for the Festival.   We could call it a scout project and I would let her take the lead...I just wanted to get something into the Festival again as I had been involved for several years and then was not.  So we went on-line and registered as Girl-scout Catherine and Mom.  We were in...now what?

so much sugar!

Next we had to come up with a design...we looked all over Pinterest. Catie loves Pinterest as much as I do so that was no trouble at all we spent hours combing the site and finally decided on a design that we kind of liked but we were going to change it a lot to make it her's.  It was going to be lovely.  It needed a name.  I thought about it...but before I could say anything Catie spit out a title..."All Tied Up for Christmas"   Perfect!  It was her project so she should title it.
We got a letter a few days later in the mail wanting us to submit a detailed description of her design.  Ok...we can do this...so we sat down and wrote it all out and mailed it back.  It's all official now.   So we waited...we knew that it was going to be a few weeks before some of the supplies would be available in the stores.   It was getting a little scary though.  The week before Halloween I told her that I was concerned that I wasn't able to find Candy Canes...we needed 8 boxes of Candy Canes for her design.   They don't go on sale till after Halloween and the Festival is just one week after Halloween...that gives us just 3-4 for days to make this centerpiece.    Catie was a little panicked too...every day I went and looked for Candy Canes....I did start to find them... unfortunately it was all wrong...it was in the dollar stores and they were old and cheap and faded and not pretty at all.
We wanted bright white and red ones...pretty sparkly ones...not ones that looked like they had been left over from last Christmas...I was so sad...I couldn't believe that I was going to let my girl down.
So we decided to wait...On November 1 I drove over to Walmart and looked all over the store...still no Candy Canes...asked a manage standing in an isle..."if the're not out we don't have them yet"
So we went back to the car...Catie was almost in tears..."now what mom?"  of course it's all my fault...we called Meijer...I talked to two managers...YEAH They have them!
We drove over to Meijer and to check them out...they were beautiful!  We had to look though carefully!   Make sure that we didn't buy any smashed candies.
We went home and began the process of assembling the Candy Cane Centerpiece.  It was fun...Catie has a red dye allergy though so I was a little concerned with her handling that much red candy...no problems.  She just made sure she washed up very well after she handled all of the candies.   It was an adventure we well repeat next year...we may well try to avoid the Candy Canes though.



UPDATE: While we were at the Festival this evening Catie was standing behind her centerpiece and someone walked up and asked her if it was her centerpiece.  She said yes.  She asked Catie a few questions.  Catie was very polite and answered them.  Catie was a little distressed...when we got to the centerpiece it looked a little worse for ware.  It seems children had been pulling candy canes out of it all evening.  I'm really disappointed in that.  The Baby Fold organizers had refilled it over and over again.  They were going to buy more to refill it again tomorrow.  As we stood there the lady that asked how she could place a bid.  So we told her how to place a bid...she stood there for a minute...then she asked how she could just buy it.  Catie nearly did a cartwheel.  I offered the lady my phone number...to help with repairs if the candy canes are too badly damaged by the people pulling them out and other putting them back.   Catie and I can repair the centerpiece for her.   So on the second night of bidding Catie's centerpiece sold for the Angel price!

Sold!   For the Angel Price!

Whirlwind life changing week

I can't even begin to explain how different my life is from one week ago.  I was on the phone exactly one week ago with my licencing agent talking about how it was going to be another two and half more weeks before our licence was here.  Nathan and I were in the middle of a huge fundraiser and really working hard to raise more money for a cause that we really believe in.  I was coming really close to my goal and feeling pretty good.   I was going to shave my head for this cause and give all my hair to some child that didn't have any.  I felt scared and excited all at the same time.
The next 24 hours rocked my world...my daughter got the flu...yuck...I hate when that happens.  I didn't feel well.  I needed to go pick up my prescriptions.  I had to have that prescription right now...not later.  We drove across town and got my headache medicine...
"Catie did you get the mail after school?"  I asked as we drove back...She shook her head..."Oh yeah you were sick...OK everyone to bed...I'll get the mail"
As we all piled out of the car I got the mail and began the dig though the bills and junk...I stopped half way up the drive..."Nathan do you know what this is"
"Uh no...your holding it..." He replied sarcastically...I skipped up the driveway to show him our brand new State of Illinois issued Foster Care license.
We both stood in the garage for several minutes in disbelieve...could it really be???  She just told us it was going to be several more weeks and that had always translated into months before.   Here it was in our hands a solid piece of paper!   It's real!    So we had to have some time and some real conversations.  So we still haven't made a public announcement...it's weird...we have worked so hard on this and now it feels kind of like I want to keep it to myself for a while...so we did...we didn't even call the agency till Monday.
Then comes the really FUN part...we walked in the house...the answering machine light is blinking...yes we still have one of those...I hate voice mail...and refuse to switch over.
Nathan hit play as we sent the kids to bed for the second time...they are all wound up by this point...they know that we could get a child any day now.
The message is from a TV station they got one of the press releases that I sent out a month ago and want to put me on the news because I am shaving my head....Are you kidding me????
I am blown away...I have worked so hard to raise this money and just want to make sure that it gets as much attention as it can for the right reason.   I don't want to do this broadcast to promote myself in anyway.   I am only shaving my head to draw attention to the women to who loose their hair and live with the hair loss.   I want to stand proud with them.  I am their sister.   I call the reporter...we talk and I agree to do the broadcast and it went really well.   I raised a lot of money for a foundation that needed it and I got to give my hair to a child that needed it.   I pray that I will have the courage to do this again...honestly it has been kind of fun!   I wish they would do this during summer though...this is kind of cold....but really it's not so bad!  My kids love my bald head...they come up and rub my head and say it's soft like a puppy....my son rubs his cheeks on it.   I love my kids they are so kind...they tell me everyday how beautiful I am and it makes me happy and I know I am loved...My husband does too...but the kids say it with unconditional love.

Life is really good right now and I am Blessed beyond measure! 



Update:   It's a little over a week later and my hair is starting to grow back in...it's funny how quick it grows.  It's weird people I don't know very well but have a faint knowledge of keep coming up to me and talking to me.   I also have gotten the stares from children and adults alike.  No one has asked me about my hair yet.  That kind of bums me out...I want to tell my story.

Feeling pretty good~

I went into the closet this morning and grabbed a pair of jeans and a shirt and put them on and they fit...no jumping... no squeezing...no deep breathing...they just fit
In fact the shirt is a little big.  I never have had the shirt be a little big... this shirt has always been too small.   I am liking the new me...I want to keep up the new me.  I like seeing the new changes.   It feels so good to see actual results and not feel like the weight is coming off and I am the only one that knows...it is visible now.   Everyone can see now.  Of course to someone that has never met me before I am still horrible overweight and have miles to go...but I have come very far.   At least for me...
I know some of you are thinking thirty-one pounds doesn't seem like much...but to put this into perspective, I have a biological disorder called  Polycystic ovary syndrome. --(when I was diagnosis in 2001 the insurance companies didn't even know how to classify this...they tried to put it under cystic fibrosis, completely different)--    I have battle my weight since puberty and had not much luck at it.   This same disorder has taken my ability to have children and causes me to grow hair on my chin...not very attractive in either case.  It really makes me feel like less of a woman in most cases...
My husband does a great job of overlooking the hair...every once in awhile he will say something...but he is very polite...ish.   The ability to have children there is nothing I can do about it...the weight gain...is probably the biggest problem...most women who are unable to get pregnant with PCOS it's because they are too heavy.   In order to have both Catie and Alex I had to loose large sums of weight...since I was younger the weight came off easily and it was no trouble for me to loose 45-50 pounds in 4-5 months...this time...I am older and my body just wouldn't co-operate.   When the doctor recommended we see a specialist Nathan and I decided we were not going to go that route this time...we had already did that with both of our other two...and have two beautiful children and thought that maybe God was giving us a sign that this time we were suppose to do something different.
Things get very different the summer I started having migraines...I don't know what happened...I don't know if my weight it a level that my body couldn't hold...or if it was stress.   All of the sudden I was having migraines that were life altering...and I didn't know what to do.  We worked with our family doctor to correct the problem.  That didn't help.  I prayed for relief.   That didn't seem to help either.   I started to believe that my life was going to be forever changed by this headaches.   Then I was sent to a doctor that actually helped me.  
He put me on some medications that changed my life...one has actually helped with my weight loss...it decreases my appetite and also decreases the  intensity of my headaches and frequency.   This made my life so much easier to live...I still had break though headaches...but now they were getting under control and I was starting slowly to loss some weight.   This didn't happen fast....it was over a long period of time over maybe 9 months...and the whole time this is going on I was battling the insurance company to get 2 medications that the doctor prescribed for those break though headaches...one was easily fixed.
I called one day when I was in a particularly good mood and was very nice and pushed though till I got a nurse in the pharmacy department that actually suffered from migraines herself...she was very helpful and got one of the prescription pushed though right then.    The other one took lots of negotiation and pushing and calling and more calling and more calling...the moral is never quit calling...if you really need something!~   It took 9 Months.

Today I am doing much better I go month to month and wonder why the insurance company fought so hard against the doctors orders...I feel so much better today then I did 4 months ago...I feel life a different person then I was 6 months ago....and I was a shell of a person a year ago...I don't know how I was existing...life was hell some days...and my family was paying the price for it.   It's so much better now.  I have the doctors to thank for that they have been wonderful and PATIENT...they put up with my insurance company and me.
So I am looking for a workout buddy,  someone who can go to the gym with me a couple times a week...when Nathan can't...his schedule is so wonky and the kids keep us so busy that there is just no way we will be able to workout together...any takers???

First Boy/Girl party

  So Catie got this invite in the mail two days ago addressed to her...clearly written by a boy.  I though  "oh cool one of the boys sent her an invitation to the party that we are already planning on attending"...nope I"m wrong as usual.  I did not open it...because it was not my mail, but it was tempting.
  Catie burst in after school asking " is it here yet? is it here yet?"   She had already been informed of it's impending arrival.   She also was notified she was the only girl invited by the boy in her class.   He is a set of Triplets and his dad told them they could each invite three guests.  The Boy in Catie's class invited two boys and Catie.  The Girl invited three girls and the other Boy invited three boys...so Catie is the exception to the rule.
  Catie has been telling me for weeks she has a crush on this boy and he has a crush on her too...
They ride the same bus and have know each other for several years and love to play basketball together.  Catie's favorite sport.   So there was so real surprise that he invited her to his party...I am sure it's all very puppy dog and lady bug.  It so cute really.
   As the matter of fact when I was her age I was never invited to these kind of things...I was never the popular kid...so I am fearful if I don't let her go I will be sending the wrong message to her friends that we are overprotective...
Catie is a good kid and I know we can trust her,I just don't know the other parents so well.   I have only briefly met them and will have to talk to them before I am ok with this.   This is a big step for my little girl and I want to know she is going to be ok...She is only 9 and is so young.

a weighty...a waiting subject

feels weird to mention this...but here it goes...my clothes are too big...my under clothes have been too big for a little while, but now my regular clothes are starting to fit to big. ...don't know what to do really...if I buy more clothes and I keep losing weigh which I want to do...I'm going to have all these clothes that don't fit...I'm just going to wait a little while I think...

time heals

It's been a few weeks and I have had some time to think and pray.   Nathan and I are working on so many things and moving forward.  It's been a bumpy road as marriage sometimes is...well usually is.  We like most married couples have issues.  We don't hide from them...we work though them and work on them.   It has been interesting to me...the times that we have had the most trouble in our marriage have been the times when we didn't talk.  When we weren't communicating with each other very well.  The best times are times like these when we are in a crisis...yes in a crisis and really communicating.  Really depending on each other...the years after a crisis are often the deepest years for me.  We have grown so much together.   I love my husband deeply and I grow everyday in my marriage and I pray we can continue this trend.  

anxiety...is the state trying to kill me???

I am going to have an anxiety attack today...I just know it.  First of all Alex says he has a tummy ache...and I sent him to school anyway...any good mom would, right?    You can't keep them home for every little tummy ache.   So I had my phone with me in small group praying I wouldn't get the dreaded "come get your sick kid" call.  Instead I got a call from our agency.
Praise God in heaven!!!  It's been more than a month since we have heard form her.   Not great news though...she needs to meet with me...something in my background is not checking out...my background?  Boring old me??? I don't do anything...I once tried to take a condom from a Osco drug store when I was 14 as a prank and  got busted...and I learned my lesson...never again...I follow rules.   The most I do is swear and occasionally go to fast...and really I do even go to fast...the other people glare at me as they fly by me.  She said it was really nothing and not to be worried but what does that really mean...I'm going to sit here and stew about it for the next hour while I try and figure out what I could have done that could have come up on my background check that is so awful that she needs to come and talk to me about it.

Did you know that Dammit I'm Mad is the same front to back....I just love that...
I probably shouldn't but I do...and right now it fits...Dammit I'm Mad!

At least the school hasn't called to come get Alex, hopefully that won't happen....that would not be a good thing.

Be Bold, Be Bold

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Contact:

Sally Hawkins Stay at Home Mom

309-829-5029

Sallyrhawk@yahoo.com

[Sally Hawkins] will go bald to fight cancer on 11/2.

Joining thousands across the country in Be Bold, Be Bald! fundraising event.

[Bloomington , 9/18/12 ]  For many cancer patients, going bald is not a choice.  It is just one of the many challenges they face as they bravely fight the disease.  On November 2, [Sally Hawkins] will join thousands of people across the country as they put vanity aside, and wear a bald cap (shave my head) to show solidarity with those who bravely fight cancer and raise money to help fight back. 

The event is Be Bold, Be Bald!, a national fundraiser started by Boston advertising agency, Small Army, after losing its co-founder to the disease.  In just 3 years, the event has raised more than $400,000, with 100% of the net proceeds going to cancer charities.

By going about their day as usual - commuting on the bus, meeting with colleagues, stopping in the local coffee shop, or going to class – participants get a small taste of what many cancer patients face.  And, others can sponsor them for their bold move. 

“I watched my mom loose her hair and it was one of the hardest things a fourteen year old can go through.”

In its fourth year, Be Bold, Be Bald! Unites and supports more than 15 cancer charities, from The Jimmy Fund and LIVESTRONG to local charities such as Heaps of Hope, Pablove Foundation, No Stomach for Cancer, Michelle’s Fund and Jonsson Cancer Center Foundation. Participants choose the charity for which they would like to support and grants are made accordingly.  In 2010 and 2011, due to generous donations and support, each of the participating cancer charities received more than 100% of the funds raised on their behalf. 

My Charity is the Dr. Susan Love Breast Cancer Research foundation in memory of my husband’s sister Elizabeth.  I will also not just be wearing a bald cap…I am shaving my head and donating all my hair to Locks of Love.   My husband is also shaving his head in support of this movement.   I made this decision last year after my husband shaved his head.  

Be Bold, Be Bald! is managed by Small Army for a Cause, a 501c3 organization committed to helping raise awareness and funds for medical-related causes.  Small Army for a Cause was founded in 2008 by Boston Advertising Agency, Small Army, in honor of its co-founder, Mike Connell, a 2-time cancer survivor who lost his life to the disease in November 2007. 

Going private for a little while...

For those of you who read my blog regularly....I am choosing to not post my blog postings until the currant issue I have going on is dealt with.   It is far too private and far too close to home for me to put this information out for everyone to judge and weigh in on our business.   After everything has settled down I will put all of the postings up.   For the time being I will continue to write because it's how I work though these issues...
I will be here working on the problems mine, ours, and theirs...because we all have them...
Don't give up on me.   I will be back, just give me time.  I think it won't be long.  
For the time being this is one thing I have been studying.... I don't know if you will find anything useful in here...I did.
http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/maslow.html

oh my gosh

My husband has decided he doesn't want to have any more children!   I don't understand!  I don't get it!  I am so mad and I don't understand!   He was all in and now he's not!
Did the foster care process take too long?    Are we just done?   I am so upset!  I feel like I could burst into tears, but his parents are here and they would know something is up and I don't think he is ready to announce this to his parents.
I am pissed!   We worked hard to get licensed!   We aren't even licensed and don't even have it yet!   We are still waiting on it!  I really hate this!   I can't believe this!  Nine months ago he was all in and more convinced this was what we were suppose than I was.   And now he's just out...I don't know what I am going to do!
I still want kids and I don't think I can just shut that part of me off...I never stopped wanting another child.
WE have more talking to do...but it's going to have to wait...we can't have this conversation with his parents here...they will cloud the issue.
I don't know what I am going to!

what the hell????

it's been more than eight weeks since we had last homestudy....and no news.   I finally worked up the nerve to call our agency today and ask if there was anything I could do.   I was so scared to make that phone call.   I almost didn't want to make that phone call.   I was just sure that I was going to get bad news.   I talked to her so briefly...I got so little information that I don't know what was said anymore.  I told Nathan as soon as he got home what she said and he called to ask a question she told him something a little different.   I don't think that's a problem...I think I just miss understood and I am ok with that.
As we get further and further away from the homestudy the more defeated I feel and the more I feel concerned that we are not going to get out license.   I am just concerned that my family and friends are feeling a little bit like we have given up or like we just aren't going to proceed.  Really hate having to answer the question "so what's going on with your foster care?" with "I don't know"
Because we have no idea what's going on...because the State is broken and we have no answers.

STILL waiting...

I think the state is just making sure we really are prepared to wait out any crisis the future children they put in our home are going to put us through.   My husband even made some wise ass comment last night...he NEVER makes comment about how long we have been waiting.
It really has been a long wait though.  What was suppose to be a three week wait for our license  we are still waiting for...and it has been eight weeks tomorrow since our homestudy was finished.   Some days the wait is paralyzing.   I feel angry and let down by the system, but I can't help but wonder how any children are so let down by the system as well.   It is stupid  that it has taken this long to get anything done.   I pray things get moving.
It seems like out path has been so long and yet it hasn't at the same time...from the beginning of this journey till now it has been less than a year...but when we started it seemed as if it would only take 4 or 5 months and here we wait and it is driving me crazy!
 I don't know how this would have worked if we had went down the adoption path and and just did a homestudy and  adopted.   This is similar and different all at the same time.   I know way too much about the court system and too little about the adoption system all at the same time.   CRAZY!  I need more information! 
The fact that Nathan is getting impatient tells me that this is dragging on for too long...I hope this over soon...our lives need to move on.   We need to move on.  One way or the other.  NOW.

living in a vacuum with the kids at school.

Now that both of my kids have gone off to school I have this void in my life....I always assumed I would go and get a job.  As I sit here today I am stuck in this weird vacuum though.   Between not having the option of going to get a full time job and really wanting to do something.  The kids are gone and there isn't a whole lot for me to do a round the house...yes I could make it a little cleaner...but some people in my life already think I am anal about how clean I keep my house.   The kids really aren't aloud to keep their rooms as messy as they would like and the living room never looks very lived in.  The only room that ever looks used is the kitchen...because we really use the kitchen.   The laundry is in constant motion...that really never stops...that would get harder if I had a j
job.

The truth is if I get a job and we get our license and then we get a child (we want all of those things)  I'm going to have to quit my job.   I don't want to work and have a child at home!   My job is being a mother.  When all my children are in school then I can entertain the idea of having a job outside of the home...but right now...my job is mom...and right now...I just feel lazy for not doing a job.

This is really killing me.   I walk around the house looking for the kids and looking for stuff to do.  Thank goodness I still have Miles a couples days a week or I would go crazy cats all together!  

Fertility...still a hot button for me.

Three babies born this weekend all under different wonderful blessed circumstances.   Don't ya know it was already a hard weekend for me to get though with grandpa dying and all, and then all these babies are born.   And then everyone wants to know how our adoption/foster care is going...well to be honest it's not going!   I just wanted to crack all weekend!   I want to throw a temper tantrum like a three year old...because I can have what I want...another baby.

I am broken....

My body will not reproduce and everyone else seems to be able to make babies...yes I have to beautiful children!   I made them...but they took hard work and tears and more hard work and too many nights of counting and planning and unsexy, unloving, get it done now to have my kids.   I don't want that!


I'm angry at my body after all these years it is still betraying me!   It has betrayed me since the beginning of my marriage!  I try very hard to fix it...yet I know deep in my heart there is nothing I can do to truly fix it...it is broken, I have to accept it and move on.  I though I had.  I try I really do.  I want this adoption!  I want foster care so badly!  I want to help these children so desperately.  What I really want is to make our family whole.  I feel like we are missing someone...just one person is missing...and until they are here...we are not whole...


and I am broken...

Whoo Hoo! Finally!

Got on the scale this morning and I am down 28 pounds from the beginning of 2012!  Yeah!  I was so excited and a little shocked and not at all sure it was accurate and made Nathan come and weight his self to make sure the scale was working...sure I knew I had already dropped 25 pounds over the last 6 months, but three more over the last week.  So he trots into the bathroom jumps onto the scale. I look at his weight and he goes "yep, it's right."  I got back on the scale and did a little happy dance!   Yep it's right!
The biggest achievement for me so far was that I now weigh less than Nathan.  I have never weighted less than Nathan...I have always been a few pounds to several...to too many pounds to count heavier than Nathan and it has always distressed me.  AND now I am NOT!
I will never reveal my weight publicly ever...but I know that I can be proud of the effort I am putting into loosing this weight.  My body feels better and my life will be better and I will last a lot longer because of it.
I sure hope this trend continues!

lost grandpa today

8/22/12
Today Catie woke me up all chipper and bright eyed.  She was ready to go.   I was not.  I usually am not.  I do not wake up well.  I am not a morning person.  I do not like being woke up fist thing in the morning.   But there she was "mom I didn't have a nightmare, mom my head didn't hurt.  Isn't that great?"
"Yes Catie that's wonderful!  Now go away and let me sleep until my alarm clock goes off at 7 and then we can talk about your head. "
Nathan at this point sensing my my distress rolled out of bed and shooed Catie out of our room and whet to shower.   Our alarm went off and Catie returned to talk some more...you have to be kidding me!   Go away kid!
Now my phone is ringing!  What the hell is going on? Nathan is bringing me the phone>>>

"Aaron"...
Yeah?
"Are you a wake sweetie?"
Huh??? he has never ever called me that he is two years my junior...
"It's dad..he passed at 5am this morning."
ok
"we are going to have the service this weekend"
"at Larry's"
ok
I'll be there



So surreal and so quick...so strange.
I can't believe he is gone...he was so strong and so stubborn and like a light he's just gone.

Figuring out these allergies

So Catie's allergies have been my daily challenge...and I have been making a big stink about it!   Yes I know I gripe too much!  It's what I do!!!   I don't know what else to do...she is frustrated because all these foods she could have previously she can no longer have.   She is now allergic to them...it's like I have taken half of her childhood away.   If she had never tasted them I think it would be different for her, but she knows what she is missing.   The upside to all this is...we are all eating a much healthier diet because of this allergy.

I have been reading every label.  Most processed foods have dye in them...so I am having to make so many things from scratch.   The food tastes so much better the kids eat better.  Alex is making a fuss because it doesn't look the same but it sure does taste better...as soon as I get him to take a bite he usually loves  what I have made,  it's getting him to take a bite that is usually the hard part. 

Catie is missing the junk food...the Doritos, Twizzlers and M&M's of it all.  We have had to look very hard to find the fruit snacks that are 100% juice not dyed so she can have fruit snacks like other kids too.    It's hard work being a mom sometimes but I'm willing to do it for my little girl.

Today is the last day before school

8/19/2012
School starts tomorrow
I am just a touch excited!   And a little bit misty at the thought of my little guy going to school tomorrow!  It's his first day of kindergarten!  I will be at home all alone three days a week!   I will have such a clean house!  I won't know what to do with myself....wait...maybe I will.  I will have time to read and crochet and draw and write to my family and blog and clean my house and visit friends and dust the cobwebs out of the corners and so many other things that I have been missing over the years.
Not to mention...maybe this is the reason God has been putting the foster care license on hold for so long is just waiting for the kids to get back into school so I have time to dedicate to another child.
I will also miss my Catie too...although we have not gotten along quite as well as I would like this summer...it seems to be a growing split between us.    I hope we can work this out and it's short term and not a growing problem.   We seem to be growing further apart as she gets older rather than closer together.
I love them both so much and I want to make sure that I keep trying to connect with them on different levels as a parent...and not try and become a friend.   It is so hard to be the mom.  

talking with my dauther about the birds and the bees

UM MMMMM MMMM ok....really.....well....right now???? I think I have somewhere I have to be right now.....no really.
Just Kidding I am the one who brought the conversion up.   Nathan and I were watching a television show with her something about a wedding dress in Atlanta.  I don't know the name of the show...but she could spout out the name I am sure...it's on TLC.   Anyway a commercial for a new show coming on this fall about teenagers going to high school with their babies.  My daughter with eyes like saucers turns to us and asks how did thoses girls get babies in high school?
That's when we knew we had to have a conversation right away!   So I have been putting it off just a little bit.   I asked her earlier this week if she knew how mommies got babies?   She said  "Mommies and Daddies kissing and I have not done that yet"  and blushed deeply.
Poor little thing...I asked if she had heard anything at school about sex or messing around or anything like that?   Nope!  No!  What does that mean?
So we are going to give the very basic info to keep it very simple...I want to keep her ahead of misinformation.
I also am taking the time to remind her that she needs to keep her body good and clean and put on deodorant.  She also needs to be educated on warning signs of infections in her girl body...now that I don't bathe her I can't make sure she is clean and free of infection...if she get's yeast infection she has to be able to spot that on her own now.
Lastly I need to make her aware of the hazards of predators that would abuse her naive nature to get what they want and break my little girls heart in the process.   It happens and far to often it is the young lady from the good Christian home that is caught off guard because mom and dad have done a poor job of educating her for the real world.   I hope that we can mix our Christian values with common expectations and keep her safe and Chaste.
She's a good girl and head smart...head strong and open-hearted I just hope that combination will keep her safe.  

Facebook -politics- media

I am super picky about who I allow to be my friend on Facebook...not just anyone makes the cut.   I don't accept all friend requests and I will cut people if they are bringing me down.  I don't need that.  Mostly the people on my Facebook are people who I want in my life.  A few people I will be cut the next time I go though and make Facebook cuts again.   There are some people that I cut them and in a few months they message me that they want back in...haha...here lies the problem.  I know them and love them and have known them my whole life.   Don't really want them in my life any more because well we just aren't in the same place  any more????
Anyway that isn't where this post was going.   I keep my Face book page pretty private and only the people I want around me.  I like and respect these people.  I respect their opinions.   As we creep closer to election time I am noticing more and more political ads...not political commentary but negative ads.   I see enough of the negative stuff on TV that I am a little concerned that I am seeing it on Facebook already. 
I am considering putting a post up on Facebook letting everyone know that I will be taking the political season off from Facebook, but then I miss a lot of goings on when that happens.   So my next best option is to let everyone know that I will just be blocking anyone that puts up a negative ad until after the election.   That way I just don't have to see them.   Then after the elections I will unblock anyone I had to block and everything will go back to as it was.
I don't think this will include political commentary, because most of the people on my Facebook I have enough respect for I can respect the political leanings and understand why they say the things they are saying.   I am also adult enough not to hold anything they are saying against them. 

grouchy girl

I am feeling a great deal of stress with my coming from little girl today.  I think she has got a bunch of hormones rolling around inside of her.  She is all cranky and truly pushing my buttons. I know that her body is all rolling out of control and she doesn't know what is going on.  Her little mind is racing and freaking out and panicking and the idea of being all grown up...when all she wants to do is play with her dolly.   All day yesterday she played with her dolls  and all day today she has been griping at me...it's like having a teenager in the house with a split personality.   Tomorrow she will want to play with toy cars or something.  I know in reality she has very little control over this, but it sure is making my life awful hard....we seem to butt heads more and more everyday.   I'm not sure why I want more children.   The idea of having more hormones in this house just is baffling to me, but just as sure as I sit here I want more kids. 
She is sitting across the room from me and I can see the anxiety and anger and bitterness in her.   And right now there is nothing I can do for her.   I need to wrap my arms around her and give her a hug but she just won't let me....I'm not even sure it would help.

Teachers...and classmates, we find out today

In a few minutes I get to take my kids to find out who there teachers are and who are in their classes.   I am excited...I think Catie has forgotten.   It is going to be so nice to have an idea of who a better idea who will be teaching her.   I have had some anxiety about her allergies so knowing who her teacher is might make it easier on me.  I would like to sit down and talk to her ahead of time about things she can and cannot have ahead of time.   I also need to have a list made up.
I am so excited to see Alex's list too...he is so ready for school!   I am so ready for him to be in school.  I feel GUILTY typing that but this summer has been so hard.  He has tested me every way possibly could this summer and I am very ready for a break.  I love him so much and I know I am going to miss him and I know I am going to feel crazy without him at home, but I think this is the perfect time for him to go to school.
I am so excited to have school start...I am so excited to have time to be at school and help out with the classroom as much as possible can!   I never have been able to do this before!  I am so excited to do this!

grandpa is dying

He relapsed...he has pneumonia and sepsis...he has decided to not fight it and go home and hospice will be stepping in to take care of the rest.   I am distraught to say the least...I found out on facebook last night.  My uncle put a post up announcing the development and I found out with all of his friends and the rest of the world.
I am suppose to be his favorite granddaughter but seems I get no notice and the fact that I live 395miles away is no big deal to anyone but me.   I will have to make travel arrangements and worry about when and how we will get there.
I am so glad I took the trip to Kansas City when he was ill before.  I need to call him soon and talk to him if he wants.      I need more to talk to Mari and make sure that she understands that I need a few days lead time so I can travel home for the funeral.

THIS SUCKS and there isn't anything I can do about it.

struggling with my daughter's food allergies

Red dye...
after a particularly rough summer and adding red dye to Catie's food allergies, we are struggling.   She is finding that lots of foods that she loves she can't have any more.   The list is grow and daily we come across stuff that she can no longer have.  
It reminds me of the shellfish all over again!
This list is worst though...most processed foods have some sort of coloring in it these days.  I have had to look at every label and many more than I expected have red dye in them these days.   Even worse is at the restaurants we have had to ask about  most ingredients and more and more have dye in them. 
Between her shellfish allergy, her vegetarian streak, and the new red dye allergy...we might as well call it a draw and just eat at home.  It's just getting to hard to trust that someone else isn't going to hurt my baby.

I need to assemble a list a things that Catie can't have for her teacher to have on hand...but that will be so incomplete...that I am REALLY hesitant to even send it.

I also am suppose to send snacks for her to have for birthday parties...so when other kids birthdays happen she can have a snack because most birthday cupcakes have red dye. I am going to have to find a good snack for her to have on days that the kids have a snack that she can't have. 

This all so complicated....I am just so glad it's not one of the major foods like wheat or milk or eggs.

Hate being repremanded by other parents!!!!

Was at the good old "Golden Arches" today for a play date...much needed time out for mommy!   My kids were playing pretty well today and to there credit they weren't fighting with each other for once.   My son came running up to me and told me that he was having trouble getting into one of the pieces of equipment because there were two children in it being mean.   So I told him to go find his sister to ask her for help.   She was sitting right in front of me and I said..."hey can you go help your brother out?"   My thought being take care of your little brother.   I want her to get in the habit of watching out for him...they are both going to be at school together this year...I was expected to take care of my little brother and he took care of me.
A few minutes later this big guy comes over and puts these two kids in front of me and asks me why I sent my daughter to disciple his kids and was that the way I wanted to handle that situation?
I was blown away!  I hate confrontation...I use to thrive on it...anymore it just upsets me and makes me sick to my stomach.   He said he overheard my conversation with my son and didn't approve of the way I handled it.   Really???  You don't approve???   Too bad mister! I have kids and you have kids and I get raise mine the way I want and you get raise yours the way you want.

As he was walking away I asked him if he had preferred if I had climbed up in the playland and sorted out the nonsense for the kids...or let them work it out themselves.  He didn't respond.  I followed up by telling him that I try and let my kids deal with their own disagreements themselves.

I don't get involved...because really their boss is not going to appreciate it if I call and try and straighten out a misunderstanding or disagreement...their girlfriend in high school or college isn't going to want to talk to me when they have a fight.   They boy friend isn't going to take a break up from me very well...although it might be easier on my child that isn't the best thing for them.   Life is full of times when we have to deal with things that are hard and we have to deal with it our self.

Yes I had Catie help him!!!   But if I had a boyfriend that was bugging me that I didn't know what to do...I wouldn't go to my dad....I would have called my brother...in a heart beat...that's what brother's are for.   IT was a teaching moment for my children and do I feel guilty???  Nope!   AM I upset???  You betcha!   I was talking to a good friend who I don't see often enough and I like and respect her.
My husband and I are in the process of becoming foster parents and want to adopt.   Lastly my parenting ability was called into question.

I stand by my decision...but dang it....why did that dad have to be there....in reality the kids didn't have any problems...Catie said the boys said they weren't coming out so they went into the other plane and Alex was fine with that.   Two minutes later he was back down on the floor running around like a racer....his kids didn't even get bumped from their spot...he was just being a butt!

single mom from time to time

I have the best husband in the whole world!   I must be having a hormonal day or something!   Because today I feel like sometimes I feel like a single mother.   I called Nathan to see if he could take a morning off of work so we could take our son to an event called Day of the Dozer.   It's billed as a day of fun in the dirt and earth moving...I'm sure I will have tons of fun.   When I called I found that he would be again working...no real big surprise...but now I have to go do this dirt thing by myself with Alex.
I have to say this has happened so many times I can't even count...but I am very lucky...mist chef's wife's don't get as lucky as I am because Nathan has made every effort to be available when I need him...most chefs are not that way.   I am a very lucky girl.    I just tend to spend most evenings and all weekends with my kids instead of my husband.

adopt an older child?

So as our agent was walking out when she was finishing up our homestudy she told us about a 7 almost 8 year old boy who needs a home now.  His foster family was going to adopt him but has decided not to, because they are moving and cannot complete the work before the move?  
So she just mentioned it...
She was just mentioning it to all her families.  He is older than we are looking for and it concerns me that his family that was going to adopt him all of the sudden doesn't doesn't want to adopt him.   BUT at the same time this a little boy who needs a home now...
I have talked to both of the kids...Alex and Catie are both ok with the idea of having an older child live with us as long as we can be foster parents to a younger child later on.

Facebook? to remain active or to deactivate?

Not sure if I am going to keep my Facebook account much longer.  We are so close to getting the license and I seem to be running into trouble almost daily on Facebook.   I also won't be able to post pictures of all my children.  I am concerned that I might make the mistake of posting a picture of our "other" child and get into trouble.     That could get us into some serious trouble too.
I seem to offend people with my comments...and today it was a political cartoon.   I just can't seem to win and it just doesn't seem worth it.
I'm going to give it a few more days and talk to Nathan and see what he thinks.     I may just leave the account active so I can see what people are doing and just not post anything else from now on....

School starts in 3 weeks~ yeah~ I think???

I am ready to get back into the swing of things!   My kids are getting squirrelly and I am getting worn down...summer is almost over and I am feeling done.  At the VERY same time I am feeling really guilty for wishing away my last summer with my boy.   He is 5 and going to Kindergartner this year.  I will be all alone until we have a new child.  It will be just me and I am sorry that I am having these feelings. 
Mom guilt is one of those guilt's that soaks into your soul and drains the life right out of you....
You feel like you aren't being the best mommy you can be and you start comparing yourself to other mommies...then BAMMMM!  Someone else is doing the job better than you could be. 
The truth is ...my kids love me...they love being home.   They love the things we do.   We have had a AWESOME summer.   They are getting tired of being home too...we running out of things to keep us entertained.   It's bound to happen when we have had this many HOT days in one summer.  I think we have done very well.
I am going to muster on and we are going to prepare for school...Alex is practicing his name and Catie is reading Anne of Green Gables.  It's been an Awesome Summer~
See you on the flip side!

Today is the day! #2

Today is the last of many , many steps in the process of becoming foster parents.   We are having the compliance study.   We are so ready.  BUT...my house may not be...this is the step where she comes and examines our house.   Our agent is going to make sure our house is fit for a child of any age for 0-18.  I am moderately worried that we are not ready for all that.  We will have to wait and see what she says, but until then I am moderately worried and a little stressed.
Nathan as usual is cool as a cucumber and not worried about a thing.  He just doesn't seem to have a concern about anything at all.   He figures it will happen when it happens.   We also had the conversation about what we want and don't want in a child from foster care.   It wasn't a total shock.  We have been talking though the process and it's been a learning process for both of us.

Moving forward-compliance study

• So our agent is back from vacation and she called.  Nathan's background check was reviewed by her supervisor and approved.  We scheduled our compliance study for next Tuesday.   Now that things are moving forward I am a little worried that Nathan and I need to talk more...a lot more.  We have some conversations we need to have about what will be and won't be OK when we are licensed.  I am the primary contact and the first person the agency will contact when they have a child they need to have a home for.  I need to know Nathan's desires because If I let a child into our house he's not going to be ok I know it's going to be the red dog all over again....I am scared!   I do not want him to resent me over any child.   So I am worried....I need to talk to my husband.   

vacations...everyone is entitled...right?

So Nathan sensing my distress...finally!  Stopped by the agency and found out our agent is on vacation still...
She's entitled to a vacation right?  I guess the biggest issue for me isn't that she is on vacation...it's that she hasn't called to give us any information since June 4th.    I am still feeling some distress!

Silly musings

This blog has been something of a bit of therapy and a bit of fun...I write to get out the words I can't say out loud.   Much less the words I can't say publicly...sometimes...I should hold my tongue more often.  I hit 7 thousand readers today...how funny.   This little old blog was started as a private diary or journal of sorts when I was at a really low time in my journey of self exploration.   Now I am writing about all kinds of things that affect my daily life...my trial as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a citizen of this nation and this planet...all the things that bug me and make me happy.  It's turned out to be very therapeutic and sometimes the best part of my day.

in laws and foster care and adoption

My husband's parents told him last night that they heard on BBC that there were countries in the European Union that had set up locations for children to just be dropped off for adoption because families were struggling so hard over there.
1. Does this change they way we are heading in our adoption/foster care process? no
2. Does this make me wonder if they support our decisions in our process? yes
3. Does this make me wonder if they understand our process? yes

I did some more research...indeed there are some places in Europe you can just drop off a baby...in Russia.  You have been able to do that for several years it was set up so people were not dropping there babies into garbage dumps and such.   I reminded my husband that in Kansas and Missouri they made laws several years before we moved for mothers to drop off newborns at fire stations, police stations and hospitals without risk of punishment.   It's to protect the child's life.

What my in laws are referring  to is different and similar at the same time...and so very sad.  The county of Greece has experience such a horrible meltdown that many families are finding the simple truth is they can't afford to feed all of the mouths in the house.   They have started asking the government to take the children into their version of foster care and keep them until the family can be put back together.   So yes families are being split up...but in the temporary sense...at least that is the hope.   Many of the families hope to rejoin after the crisis has been finished and everything is restored...but no one knows how long that will take.   The saddest part of all of this is this culture very deeply prides itself on family heritage.  
I pray that our country can avoid this kind of meltdown. 

Lastly I am concerned that my in laws and brother in law are going to be very brokenhearted when we actually bring home one of these broken children...I think the idea of a foster child is scary to them.   I think they are truly worried I don't know what to tell them or how to ease their mind.   We still have a long way to go!

forgiveness

Over the past few mornings I have woke up to the memory of some strange silly thing I did in my youth...some funny, some sad, all things I need to ask God for forgiveness for, and wondered why now? 
I think that as we age we start examine the life we have lead and feel remorse for the wrongs we have caused.   I just never imaged this examination would interrupter my sleep.  And it surely has been over the last few days...I have woken up before 6 am on all of the days to sit and relive the moments and then to talk them over with God.
They just aren't the kind of moment I pictured would be troubling me...I mean the ones that would be waking me from my sleep.  They were small things.  The last one was telling my grandmother a lie...and it's the only one I can remember.  That's how insignificant they are...I can't even remember what what was keeping me awake the first two times. 
Maybe it's that God is trying to teach me in these moments....dang it if I know what the lesson is suppose to be...I need to be more awake God to pay attention to a lesson.   Or maybe it's just the act of forgiveness in it's self.  I think I am pretty good at forgiving....but maybe there is something big God is preparing me for....
Oh no...I hope not
I don't know if I am ready yet

three kids in one house...

I am not sure I am ready for this...my parents brought my niece to visit this weekend...it's been one fight after another.   Mostly between my kids wanting to play with their cousin...but I don't know how this going to be any different with another child. My daughter is so head strong...this is going to be interesting.   We will see how this goes.

Foster care stalemate

My last three weeks I have been waiting for answers...I have not heard from the agency.  I have not heard from my agent.   I finally worked up the nerve on Friday to call and find out what was going on and found out that our agent is out of town or ill or something until the 15th of July.  I am loosing my mind. I feel like I am being tested to see what kind of patience I'm going to have with the agency when it comes time to deal with them for real.   This situation is so frustrating...but I will continue to wait and try to be patient.
My kids are doing a good job of planning how things will be when we have our other child...they are so certain that it's going to be a baby or it's going to a little girl...they each take turns making plans for what is going to happen...all we know for certain is that Alex is going to be a big brother.

scary realization

I came to a scary realization today...scary enough it if caused me to have a migraine.   We haven't heard back from the agency about the background check and it's a wait that is killing me.  Every day that we wait make me wonder are we going to get out license?  As I am voicing this concern to Nathan today, I ask him do we consider going back to the adoption plan if foster care doesn't work out?  He then reminded me that in the state of IL all adoptive parents are licensed foster parents first...so we have to get our license or we are not going to be to be parents to any more children than Alex and Catie.
I wonder is God preparing me for the idea that I am not going to have anymore kids...it's alarming!  I want a bigger family and I really want to be the hands and feet of God that reach out and help children in need.   These children in foster care desperately need help...my heart hurts for them.
So then my thoughts turned to the money that Catie just raised in the garage sale...what do we do with that if we don't have foster children?   I am going to leave it up to Catie, but I am going to encourage Catie to donate all of it, either in money or buying & donating something to a local agency.

WAITING!!! still

What the Hell??
I haven't heard anything in weeks...I keep waiting...and waiting ...and waiting.  My patience is really being tested quiet honestly.  Every single day I wake up and want to call out agency and check and see what is going on.  I don't know what to do!  I know we are waiting on one key piece of paperwork...an important piece of paperwork.  Nathan's background check is still on hold...we don't know why there is a hold on it. We won't know for sure until it comes in...why won't it come in????
So we wait!  Or I guess it's more fair to say I wait!   My husband doesn't seem to mind the wait...he just seems to go on with his life as if the wait doesn't bother him. My kids remind me daily that we are waiting...and it's driving me crazy.  We did all this work...and now we can't do anything...we are stuck in a holding pattern.  Just waiting...I am going to go crazy.

you don't want to eat meat?

My daughter has been flirting with vegetarian for the last year for over two years.  We have tried everything we could think of when it came to get her to eat meat.  She has made the choice over and over to choose to not to eat meat at school everyday.  She eats something called sunbutter (made from sunflower seeds)  everyday.   I offered to make her lunch and she has opted not to take a lunch.  
She will eat lunch meat at home.   sometimes....
If I say I am going to McDonald's she breaks down in tears though.   I have to wait until she is on a play date or at school to go out to lunch because of her allergies and food dislikes to eat out. 
This is getting ridiculous. 
I am just saying...it's really hard to have a child that is choosing to eat differently!   IT would be different if she had a medical reason but this is just a dislike....

retraction/ separation of class

I did something I rarely do...in fact, it has only happened one other time!  I retracted my post from earlier today.  I was in a bad mood and put out a post that was not appropriate for my blog.  Yes I said my blog would sometimes be messy and yes I said I might not always say things so nice, but I also need to keep my husband out of it.

With that said....I still think that there is a class system alive and well in our country and it's hard to overcome.   I pray my kids don't have to experience it too often as we frequent these locations that place them in them in positions that make them targets for scrutiny.

sepration of classes is still in effect here in America

Yesterday we went to my daughter's swim meet...it was a HOT day and we had to be there extra early for team picture and we decided to we would stake out a table...something we never do...we let the club set have them usually.   It was so hot though and the umbrella was a nice change.    As we sat there the other tables filled in and the one next to us had been saved with a bag by some girls as they came in for their family.   A few minutes later another family came in and found that all the other tables with umbrellas had been taken and saw the unmanned table and moved in...I watched in surprise and shock as mom...deftly moved the bag to a chair and spread all their towels and things out.   It was a thing to behold.  A few minutes later the young girls came back and found their things moved aside and were quickly apologized to, but what were they going to do...make them all move now?  I never saw anything like it in my life...
As we watched the meet many people greet my husband warmly (not because of the weather) they do love his food!   The family next to us kept making comments about isn't that the chef's? is that his wife?  does he have kids in the meet?  Then finally the father gets up and comes over and in the most condescending tone I have heard I think ever he tells my husband "it sure is nice to see you out enjoying the benefits of the club"   I have never felt so small as I did in that minute...sure we are staff family but my husband busts his ass 5-7 days a week at that club so assholes like him can eat at their whim and be assholes like that....
Sorry for my attitude...I really was mad and really mad that my kids were sitting at the table to hear that exchange....maybe it was just me...maybe my husband didn't hear it the same way...I don't think he heard all of the questions leading up to the final confrontation...but I certainly feel the seperation between the classes here in Bloomington sometimes...

Then there are other days that it just doesn't exist....my kids both have some good friends at the club and they really enjoy being there...but who doesn't?

So proud of my Girl...want to nominate my kid for cool kid of the week!

My daughter did what I didn't really believe she could do...she had a fundraiser.  She had a garage sale to raise money to buy new socks and underwear for our new child.  You see we are in the process of becoming foster parents and we don't know what we will be bring home so we would like to have a few pairs of each size boys and girls underwear and socks on hand.  She
She did a great job of arranging the sale and setting up the sale and even advertizing the sale.  The best part about the sale was her salesmanship.  It took some practice telling everyone why she was having the sale and telling them that prices were by donation....she was only a little afraid to say what she was doing.   Once she was on a roll she was gone! 
She only had one person try to take advantage of her...a little disappointed I had to step in...feel kind of bad...and still not sure I should have...it was a donation sale...but the lady was clearly trying to take advantage of my baby.  
In the beginning Catie told me she wanted to help other children besides our other child...she asked how she could do that...I told her I wasn't sure but I would think about it.  I didn't have to think long before she came back to me and said she had an idea...what if she gave some of the money to the agency from the sale...I said that was a great idea and we agreed on amount and she is taking them a check tomorrow for $27.15
I couldn't be prouder if I had two of her!  She make my heart sing and I am the happiest mom on the planet!