garage sales suck....

Can I just say that again!!!  Garage sales SUCK!!!  I hate having garage sales!   It's like a failing black whole and they are very costly and time consuming and draining and damn the piss me off!   I hate garage sales.   So when Catie decided she wanted to have a garage sale!  Sure no problem!
You can have one baby girl!   I am right there behind you!  It's all your responsibility though! HA!  Fat chance!  Here I am up late making signs...not enough sleep waking up every hour...in a bad mood...cranky and dealing with a bitching daughter who can't figure out why there are NO customers! Yeah I hate garage sales!   They SUCK!

Concerned

What if? 
We are heading to Kansas City on Father's day...to see my grandfather. He is very ill.  He has Leukemia and has a fever tonight....I am traveling one week from tonight....one week from tonight to see him....one week from tonight to be beside his bed and hold his hand.  I am scared....I am scared I am not going to get the chance to see him...I am scared I am going to get there and he is going to be gone.  That happened once before.
I am almost as scared to get there and see how bad he is...how sick he is...how consuming this disease is!   I hate it and I am sick of it!  It's taken too much from me and I am loosing someone else I love from this bold and awful disease.  
I am praying we make it in time...I need to see him and at least hug him and tell him I love him...I miss him.
I don't know what I am going to do without him in my life...I don't see him  that often...but I love him dearly and my kids love him dearly and they really know what is going on...and this is breaking my heart and their heart.
So I ask again...what if?

so weird

Have you ever felt like you have been black listed...I know the phrasing is bad...but that is how I feel right now...I made upset someone and all of the sudden her friends are all pissed off at me...it's kind of funny...but at the same time I feel kind of hurt too.  I thought some of there were my friends...guess not.  The ones who have not changes there behavior clearly are my true my friends.   The others I clearly do not need.

We are so close.....to foster care

So yesterday our agent came out measured our bedrooms....we are getting closer....and closer every day.    We got our background checks.   Nathan has something on his that is in question...don't know what...but we will get it worked out.  We got all of our reference letters in and all of our nosy questions are done...the classes are done.  WE ARE GETTING SO CLOSE!  I am getting excited~ and scared and nervous.  Nathan and I are reviewing the 123 Magic discipline system and going to implement that  right away.  We got a crib and a twin bed...I have been picking up kids clothes at garage sales here and there as I can.
Catie my sweet girl has decide to have a garage sale to raise money to outfit any child we take in...she's so sweet.   I love her to bits.   She also decided she wanted to donate some of the money to the agency because other kids need our help too....she so sweet.   I hope we raise lots of money so we have a lot of money to donate to the agency.

Angry!

Today I feel very angry!  My kids are behaving like street urchins and fools and the volume of their voices in general would make a nun want to swear like a sailor and the news I have received over and over again today has just been bad!  An old family friend is loosing his life after a massive heart attach this week...he is being sent home today to live with hospice...and has days maybe a week to live.  A pastor loosely related to our church has another failed adoption.  This makes three and a failed adoption is like a failed pregnancy...it's like being pregnant and going all the way to term and have a still born child...I grief for this family....this loss is strong felt though our college community and I don't know it will effect them.  Not to mention how it will effect this couple who so desperately want a baby...I pray they get some answers and some peace...they grief they must be feeling right now must be unbearable.   Whatever brought them to adoption was not an easy thing either....I am sure this has not been an easy battle for them...my thoughts and prayers go out to them...my heart just hurts and is breaking for them.  Lastly I have a very close family member who I cannot name that is facing cancer...this AWFUL~UGLY~NASTY illness has taken so much from me...I can't even speak the work with out almost being will.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to tell my kids...I am just barely able to wrap my mind around it myself....I am desperate with anger and rage at the thought of loosing this person.   This is not suppose to happen again!  This is not suppose to happen in my life again!!!  Not in this lifetime!  I have lost two people I loved so very much.  I don't know how this disease can be so vile and be so wicked and so quiet that no one hears it coming...it sneaks in and it rips families apart and leaves lives in shambles and children without mothers.  So I rage quietly my kids don't hear a sound...I tell them to behave and I set them in time out for misbehaving and discipline as calmly as I can,  but inside I rage!~   


thank God for my Blog so I can get out this pain...and not leave all of it inside...I spill some of the rage...some of the hate...some of the nastiness.    but at least it's not inside of me anymore...I feel lighter already....a few deep breaths and I will let go and this will have to be put to bed and out of my mind for a while because collectively...there is nothing I can to about all of this ugliness tonight.

are we going to loose are ablity to speak?

I was having a conversation with a lady at church yesterday and she said that a study had been done that most two year old had held a electronic device of some sort.   It got me wondering aloud if our child will continue to communicate the way we do in the future....with spoken word?   Then that worried me that we could evolve into beings that could loose the ability to speak and sing....that makes me so sad

about us

 A little bit about us....Nathan and I got married 12 years ago and wanted children right away and it was a struggle...we waited.  It was a little over 1year and half before I went to see a specialist.  With his help we had a beautiful baby girl a year and half later...and three years later her baby brother.  We thought we might want more but knew there was going to be challenges and we had to move here from Kansas City. We were excited and scared and not sure what the future held for us.  We knew that we didn't want to do fertility dance again and gave it to God.  We are very strong in our faith...and knew that God had a plan for us.  We had talked about adopting once we had our own biological children.  So our next step was to do some research the more we researched the more we knew that God was calling us to a bigger purpose.  So here we are today...becoming Foster parents and possibly adopting.  I couldn't be happier, I am still scared but life is full of surprises and God reveals things I never would have imagined in a million years.  
My daughter has decided to have a garage sale to raise money to help pay for the expenses of having a foster child.  She so funny and cute...and sweet.   Alex of course chimed in that he wanted to help...so he selling Popsicles... 
So here we go
again

Foster care...the last class

The last class is over and done...we are still not done with licensing and we are still no closer to being foster parents then we were two days ago yet I am hopeful.    The last meeting was a round table and panel discussion with professionals from the system and children who have been though the system and a biological mother who fought to get her child back out of the system.   It was so eye opening...not only did I want to take all of the young ladies home who where still in foster care but I felt a strong desire to give the biological mother a hug for all that she went though.   This system is flawed and we are just at the front end of it...we have a lot of work to do and this is going to be a hard road we have chosen.  We still have one tb test to go...Catie is not looking forward to that.   Neither am I....I think I may let her dad take care of that visit.

Nosy home-study questions

I am always a little freaked out by the nosy home-study questions...they just keep coming too.   My friends that have gone though the process assure me that this is normal...or at least I think those were assurances??? It is all so confusing and so bewildering and a little intimidating.  I really feel for the  agent too...she has to ask all the fun questions...like why didn't I seek counseling after I was prescribed depression medication before I had Alex or was it after I can't remember now.     And did I just quit taking the medication or did the doctor take me off of it???  Do people just quit taking prescribed medication without consulting their doctor?  That doesn't seem safe?   Then she started asking me questions about Nathan....poor Nate.  I already felt pretty burned so I was quick to pass the phone off...I didn't feel like I could answer his questions properly any way.  I did find that I need two more classes and those need to happen soon.  Those are up in Peoria also....boo....hiss....
We are working on selling my green car to save money to buy a new vehicle.  Nathan is going to get a scooter and ride it back and forth to work in order to save money on gas and insurance.    We will see how this goes.

Mother's Day/ Anniversary

My husband and I have been married for 12 years today!  I am so happy!  It's hard to believe that it's been 12 years...it feels like many more years and many less all at the same time.  I can't even explain that if I tried.  I am so ready to have brunch with my kids...I can't wait to have dinner with my family! 
I can't wait to celebrate another many years years together. 

To teach her to sew or not...that is not a question?

I was online this morning looking for a simple sewing pattern for my daughter's girl scout troop.   So I googled teach my daughter to sew.  Half of the entries that came up were don't teach your daughter to sew...she's a modern girl, don't teacher to sew... only a man would require her to know how to do that, don't teach her to sew, I did just fine without it...and all kinds of crap like that!  I was more than half offended!  Here I was trying to give my daughter and her fiends a life lesson and all these "well meaning" women were trying to discourage me because someone screwed them up.
    I guess we all are a little screwed up...but why tell me not to teach my daughter to sew because of your particular screwed up.  That's like saying don't teach your son to drive because my dad ran over my dog with his truck while he was drunk. 
Ok...I'm gonna get off my soapbox now, but darn straight be sure I am teaching those girls to sew this summer.

Stay at Home Mom

Why do people just assume I'm going to be at home since I'm a stay at home mom?   Just because I don't work doesn't mean I don't have things to do...I have a life and responsibilities for sure.  My children have things they are in and I have things I am involved in that take me away from the house several times a week. That is only more so during the summer!  So please don't just assume I am going to be at home and I am going to be here to wait for stuff you are sending or a phone call or anything else.
That does not mean I don't love you or I don't want the the things you have to offer it just means that like the rest of the world it will have to wait till I can get to it.
Love,
This Not So Stay At Home Mom

vaction and strangers

OK so Nathan and I both had strange experiences this vacation with strangers.   His first since it happened first chronologically.   We went to the luau at the Polynesian resort for dinner and the show...my dinner was all screwed up because of my pineapple allergy and our server was all in a tissy over it...yes I said tissy!  She was just bent all out of shape and worried I was going to get up-set.  No big deal I assured her over and over again....surely this has happened before...NO this never happen~~~They did eventually get it worked out.   The server was so glad that we were so understanding...I explained that Nathan was a chef and we understood that it's hard to make everyone happy at the same time...she reach over and planted a great big kiss on him....I think she was a little intoxicated.    I asked Nathan  "did she just kiss you?"   he shook his head yes and kind of looked stunned...All I could do was chuckle!

My stranger experience was on the way home.  We had a meal at the airport in Orlando and were sitting next a couple that had just had a vacation with their grandchildren.  They live in the city to the north of us and were traveling the same way so it seemed nice to sit and talk to people going the same way who had just had a similar experience...boy was I wrong.   The kids were having a great time...our dinner came.   The couple next to us had decided not to order any thing to eat...they were going to eat on the layover in Atlanta.  Nathan made a comment about if I didn't finish mine slide it his way...I knew I wouldn't finish based on how I've been eating so I pushed the peppers to the side for him and planned to hand over half.  The husband of the couple made a comment about handing some to him too...I though he was just being funny.  I ate my little bite and Nathan asked for a chip...so I just gave him half of mine.   I was really getting full...so I started to push the rest of mine away when the stranger to my right pipes up..."your not gonna finish that?"   "Well no I'm pretty full and don't want any more"  Then the stranger ask "can I have the rest of them then, and the salsa too"   "sure, your welcome to them"  
He then told me over and over how generous I was for giving him my left over nachos that were really not very good to begin with....I think he was just very cheap and didn't want to spend the money on his own meal!  

Vacation was a huge success and I had a great time...these were just two funny stories I couldn't help sharing!


 

scary

What would happen to us?  This week a family at church lost the father in a car accident.  For me those kind of moments cause me to examine what would happen to the kids and I if something if Nathan died in a car accident.  I am not educated I would have to go back to school.  I am not employed I would have to get a job.  We do not have saving...I would have to beg my parents for a place to move home and likely sell most of our possession in order for that to be an option since my parents house is full of possessions already.  I guess that would take care of some moving expenses???  Then my mind wondered to what would happen if we had more children...wow this will be harder!  Then of course my mind wonders to what happens if I die...where do my husband and kids go???  Do they stay here?  Does Nathan try and remain a working dad at the Country Club, or does he move to Springfield and get to know his family better?  Does he move to Kansas City and use my huge family as the large resource they could be?  So many questions and no answers...

disappointing

I keep disappointing people.  Until last night I couldn't figure out what was wrong.  I was late picking Alex up from school and didn't get Catie a slush till after girl scouts and I fall into bed exhausted at 11.
Nathan just looks at me and says I guess you are too tired...well yeah it's 11 and I have been up since 7 and had a busy day.  :(  Everyone is disappointed including me...I can't figure out what's going on...then it dawns on me that every time I started something yesterday it seemed it was just a little late.  Or maybe delayed...I think that maybe the new dose of medication has delayed my timing as if my timing wasn't already delayed by being a Kienzle already.  Now I need to really be paying attention to the time and looking at clocks and starting a few minutes ahead of when I would have before.  I don't know how I am going to do this....I hope I can remember...that part of my brain hasn't been functioning since this medication kicked in.  We will see won't we..

pictures

I am getting horrible about taking pictures.  I forget to take them.  I don't think any were taken of my birthday parties!  AAAAAAHHHH!!!!  I so wanted so proof that I had a thirty fifth birthday.  So if anyone happened to take a picture or two...please forward for post them...I know my brother took a not flattering one at 2 am...please forward, but don't post...little brother.  I love pictures...they show our true nature.  You can't always hide all your feeling from the camera.  You can hide some of them...you can hide most of them, but you can not hide all of them.   My children take great pictures...they have been conditioned to wait for me to take  their picture...I seem to always have a camera or my cell phone and am always taking a picture.  It's my responsibility as a mom to document every living breathing part of their lives...isn't it....Catie sometimes gets tired of it...but at other times, it's almost as if she is expecting me to jump out of the bushes and capture the little things...even the not so important things.   Sometimes I wonder if I have done her a disservice by paying to much attention to her sometimes???  Will she be able to to get along with out mom following her around documenting her every movement? She is very independent for the most part and would flip out if I followed her into the shower or anything like that....lol.  She's probably is perfectly well adjusted but just a little self centered as every eight year old is...I hope this wears off.  Alex on the other hand is not self centered he is Catie centered and is set on driving her totally bonkers.  My live is crazy right now! 


Why do we want more???

Grrrr!!!! Stupid insurance company!

I know they are they to provide support for people when the horrific happens.  Like cancer, heart attack or stroke, but I might just develop one of those while trying to deal with this company!
 Today Nathan ( Knight in Shining Armor) has made 4 calls to the insurance company and 2 calls to the doctors office.  Thankfully the doctors office has been VERY patient with me (us).
  The Insurance company specifically wants a call from the doctor...the doctor doesn't want to spend all his time on the phone with insurance companies so he writes letters.   Insurance company says they don't receive letters, but somehow are denying the doctors requests, can you deny something you didn't receive....I don't know if they ACCEPT telepathic request now or what....but the doctor's office had us call and get a fax number a name of a person to receive the fax and who would be responsible for the information should it get lost again.  Apparently without receiving these requests for the medication and the explanation  have no idea why I would need them!~   Feeling a little pissy today!
 On the upside I lost 10 pounds since I saw the doctor last...
 


So tired of the run around!!!

However at the recommendation of a good friend I will be calling and bugging the crap out of this company until I get what I need...they keep saying they they are not getting the letter for the doctor...but the doctor's office has faxed it over like 4 times already...so be prepared for me to get annoying HUMANA!!!

Getting older

I don't mind...it just means I'm still alive.... and that is a wonderful thing!  I'm getting wrinkles and sun spots and that's ok...I earned them.  I am not enjoying grey hair...mostly because it;s a slow progression...I think if it happened all at once I would be ok with it.  I don't like multi tonal hair.  It just doesn't suit me.  I feel aches and pains...some of them worst than others, but at least I know at the beginning and end of the day I am alive.  Today has been pretty much the same as yesterday...again...not tidal wave.  No tornado...and that is good news.  The up side is I feel like me and I think I am starting to figure out who me is.  In a few years I think I will know what I want to be when I grow up and have a career.  Until then I am content to be me and enjoy my day of thirty five.

Looks like it going to happen

On the eve of my 35th birthday I am looking back at the last year and tonight seems pretty anticlimactic really.  I don't know if I was expecting a tidal wave or tornado...but here it is and I am still here and couldn't be happier.  My life feel pretty good.  Dad and Marsha are happily married and have a great place to eventually retire.  Bill and Carol are happily living retirement near John and Michele but wish us closer.  Tim and Susan are in their own house with Anna and Ox and doing good.  Adam and Tiff have their place with their kids and Amanda has Barry and Hayden and one on the way.  John and Michele life quietly in Springfield enjoying their children.  I love my family...I enjoy my friends...both near and far.  I miss Kansas City for so many reasons and every-time we go home I try and show my kids a little more of where I grew up and where I am from....My hometown.  I have to admit pulling into our driveway it feels good to be in Bloomington...I LOVE it here.  I love the people.  I love our church.  I love our friends.  I love our "club."  I love that everywhere I go I run into people I know and they embrace me like an old friend and that feels good.   There is a deep part of me that never wants to leave.  Still there is a deeper part of me that knows I belong closer to home...closer to my peeps...closer to the family that know my story.
Celebrating my birthday with my family last weekend was really like old times.  I remember celebrating the hot summer nights at Grandma Sally's house till the wee hours of the night.  It was so much fun and so worth the drive home and so worth the headache.  I really miss my family, but mostly I am, really happy and glad this birthday is coming and going.
No tornado or tidal wave....

talking about the dead...

ok so I know I am guilty of this to some degree....so feel free to call me on it.   But I am REALLY starting to get upset about some people only talking to me about dead people.   I am alive and you are alive...lets be alive together.  Don't call me on the phone to talk about our dead relatives.  Don't cry every time you see me because I remind you of my mom....please I have to look in the mirror every day!   Don't show up and act like the only thing we have in common is dead people.  WE are ALIVE...breathing...living happy...hopefully healthy individuals.  I really might want to have a relationship with you but I am truly struggling with the idea that you are stuck in the past.  I am moving on.  I had to...if I didn't I don't think I would have survived.  You have to get out of that rut and you will feel so much better.  My life took a path I never EVER expected and I couldn't be happier...well maybe if I didn't have migraines.  The truth is.  I don't talk too much about my mom's passing because it hurts.  I know it happened...it will always be there.  She will always be a part of me.   I love her and she created me, but I have to move on. 
I have two children that depend on me to be alive and if I live in the past everyday I am in the past I am not spending the time I need to with them...I hope to show them who mom was without making a big deal out of the fact that she died but I know that will factor into how they relate to who she was. 
Mom is gone, but I AM NOT!  Talk to me now...about now or please don't talk to me at all....at least not right now....

write away...medical denial letter

Now I have to figure out how to compose a letter to the insurance company that conveys my need for the medication.   One of my medications is making it painfully hard for me to place words where they need to be in the order at the right time and with some kind of meaning...this will be a challenge but I think I am up for it.  With Nathan's help and God I can do anything.   I called the doctor today and they basically told me today this final denial there is nothing left for them to do.  I have to fight for my self....So I WILL!  I am sick and tired of this DARN headaches!  I feel like parts of my life are being cut off.  We can't have kids biologically any more...ok.  We can deal with that....it's painful, but it can be dealt with.  I have days where I can't function at all...I can't even move.  I get up just to throw up.  Nathan can't take a sick day every time that happens.  So sometimes my kids get to see mom at her worst on the couch with a pillow on her head and a bucket beside the couch.  On those days Catie makes dinner...they have peanut butter and jelly and apple sauce.  If they are lucky I have pizza rolls in the freezer and they don't have to have PB&J again.  Cause this may have happened just last week.
Thankfully this has never happened when Miles is here...for some reason...my headaches build though the day and don't hit critical until about 6:30, but by then my day has just sucked and everyone has felt how bad it is.  If you have ever been around for one of the bad one you know I am a bear when I don't feel good.
The truth is when all of our classes are over  and we are legal foster parents...it's going to be hard for me to say yes to the agency for placement of a foster child when I feel like a bad mother now...
I NEED to get this worked out with the insurance company and NOW!

WOW what a party!

Ok...so I am not 25 any more...but I sure did have fun partying all night like I was.  My dad let up party at his house until 2 am.   It was so much fun to see all my family and old friends.  I have missed them so much living so far away.  It was like a time warp.  It was so much like being back at Grandma Sally's house..yet so different at the same time.  Anyone that got experience both of those thing will tell you the same thing.   My husband keeps asking me if I had a good time...YES I had the best Time!  I really want to make that happen more often.  My kids seem to still be recovering...they don't often stay up as late as they want.  They both took naps yesterday and both slept late today.  Hope Catie does ok back at school today.
One thing I heard over and over again is that I seem very happy...and the truth is I am VERY happy.  Yeah some-days I wish we lived in Missouri or Kansas but the truth is I love living here.   It is safe and Nathan and I are very secure here.  I have changed so much over the last few years.  I am certainly not the woman I was when we moved out here.  I am so glad of that.   I feel so much more confident and and sure of myself.   I also know I can accomplish anything I put my mind to.
The last year has really been a challenge for me but I know that in time it will get better and I will be able to overcome this hurdle as well.  Everyday I feel like I get a little bit better.  If the doctor and the insurance company can a agree on a treatment plan than I will be set.  


I am a lot pissed at the insurance company about my medication being denied over and over again.  I can't figure out if it's the idea that they told me that is the kind they wanted me to use....rather than another kind or the the fact that they think they have a better idea than my doctor of how my medical treatment should be handled that makes me madder!

homestudy

In a little over three hours someone is going to come into our house and decide if we are capable of raising children...ours or anyone Else's ....that's a scary concept.   We have been working like dogs to make our house presentable.  How do you make you life presentable though???   What if one of the kids says something wrong or what if I answer a question wrong?  Or what if God forbid we store the bleach in the wrong place?   I am beside myself with doubt and Nathan is watching a cartoon with the kids.   *sigh  I wish I was a man sometimes...Life would be so much easier. 
So everything is as clean as it possible could be....I am not going to clean the windows and if that is what keeps us from having children in our care so be it.   God willing this will go smoothly and I will look back on this day fondly and think that was a wonderful day! 
I can hope!  
PRAY FOR ME!  PRAY FOR US!  PRAY FOR THE CHILDREN WE ARE TRYING TO HELP!
PLEASE!!!!

So thankful today...

So thankful for the things I have...There is a song that plays on the christian station here that says "In the middle of my little mess I forget how big I'm blessed"   Oh how those words ring true for me.  I feel like I am chasing my tail lately.   The laundry is never done...I am ready to burn it....but I am thankful we have cloths.  I need to get that though to my kids...they don't understand.  The house is never clean anymore and it is so important to me that it be clean.  We are so very, very blessed to have a place to live and when I start to feel better again I can worry about my house being spotless everyday.  Until then things will have to slide a little.  I have a cell phone that ALWAYS has one or two missed calls.  I can't remember to change the ringer to ring but I am very thankful to have a phone so I can call my loved ones when I feel blue or homesick.  The thing I am most thankful and hate today is the migraine medicine however.   It is turning my world upside down and I am so upset and pissed but ultimately thankful for the medication.   It is causing me to be a tad slow in thought process and it is REALLY irritating to say the least.  I feel some days like I am less in control of my life than I ever have been.  The upside is the migraines are getting better.  I am having them far less often and they are less painful and I can still function with one when I do have one.  So I am thankful for this medication.

Little Red Dog

So today I had to take Rusty to the vet.  He had to have his annual vaccinations so we can go out of town and have him boarded while we are traveling and such.  How can such a little dog cost so darn much money?  His vet bill is more than my regular doctor visit.  That is crazy and a little sad.  He's sleeping now.    He was crazy the whole time we were out...poor Alex is scratched all up on his legs.   We had his claws trimmed while we had him out too.  
Some days....that's all life is about...the little red dog...and I am very grateful for that.  
My head doesn't hurt.  My anxiety isn't bothering me.  We are broke but that never changes....if gas prices would stay normal maybe we would have a chance...lol

birthday anxiety...again!!!!

When is this going to go away!!!!!
So I sat down to compose an email to an aunt who hasn't responded to my birthday invite yet and a whole bunch of junk came spilling out...luckily I was able to rewind and edit before I sent and keep all the junk to myself....it's not nice to dump my junk on others....so I'm gonna dump it here.
  I don't usually make big plans to go back to KC for birthdays or have parties for myself for that matter, but for 20+ years I have been living with the black cloud over me that I wasn't going to make it to this birthday and that women don't live past 34...I know dumb right!  Well that's what happens when your momma dies when when your 14 and you start to make rules in your head about life.  Life is pretty good right now accept for the darn migraines that are ruling my life.  I know that they are a complete manifestation of my anxiety about my birthday.  I think I am just ready for everything to just be over and life to move on.
It totally sucks that mom is dead...it sucks that I can't control my feeling and it sucks that I have no control over these headaches. 
What I do have control over is my words and I am doing my best to control my words with my family, friends and strangers.   I can keep my thoughts on a leash and limit what I say to what need to be said and stop I will be doing good.

Smile :)

I believe that we could we could have a much happier world if more people smiled.   Yesterday I was driving and came to a stop next a a rough...and I mean ROUGH man.  He had his crew in the car with him. He had his beats and his classic low rider.  He wasn't smiling...he had a mean mug...if you know what I mean.  We were both waiting for traffic to clear and I could tell he was ready to go.  I was in no hurry so I though I would just let him go.  So when he turned to look to me after the traffic cleared I smiled and went to wave him to go.   To my surprise he broke the prettiest smile I saw all day and waved me though.  It brought tears to my eyes...
People in this town seem to always be in a hurry...they have serious trouble at 4 ways stops knowing who goes first so we often all sit there way too long...but I have been honked at more that one stop light just for not going as soon as the light turns...I know I know I should go right away, but for crying out loud it just changed....keep your panties on!    I do hope that everyone will try and smile more and not be so in a hurry.  Slow down...it will be there when you get there if not you should have left a little earlier.  We live in a fairly small town please enjoy it and don't ruin it for me!

took a break

So I took a short break...I needed a few days off and it was really a good thing.  My daughter and I were really having trouble connecting.  Nathan and I have changed the way we disciplined the children to be more in line with the way DCFS wants.  So both of the children are testing all of their boundaries. 

During my break...I got a chance to go to Hearts at Home.  I had a great time this year.  I always do.  I don't know if I'm going to next year though.   I think I will be spending my money on the conference up in Chicago next year instead for foster parents.  I really want to be the best parent I can be.  To my kids and to the one I don't have yet.

the tank top war

I really dislike being yelled at...I really dislike not being able to yell back...I really dislike being expected to not yell back by my husband.  It was a really rough morning in my house...my daughter decided it was tank top weather and none of her t-shirts we acceptable wear for school today.  Nathan also worked this morning which is out the ordinary...I don't know if that though her off or what was going on.   She was just bent out of shape from the get go.  She actually told me that she might not stay popular with the clothes she has right now...I almost laughed!
I told her no and got into the shower and was followed into the bathroom by a griping child...I told her to leave my bathroom...so she stood outside my bathroom and griped.  I told her to leave my room so she stood in the hall and griped.  That went on for five or so minutes before she figured out I couldn't hear her and then she called my name.  I told her I couldn't hear and she came back in the room and it started all over again...then  I told her to go to her room and get dressed.
At this point I was really loosing my patience.  She slammed her door.  She started crying and opened the door so I could see....once I saw that she wasn't dressed I told her she was going to be late.  It was 30 minutes later than we usually went down stairs and she was still in her pajamas and still yelling at me about her clothes. 
That's when my volume control was elevated ...at 50 minutes past the hour she was still yelling at me about a tank top...she needs new t-shirts...even though my mom is buy her new clothes this weekend and she has clothes that fit right now...my patience was gone.  She broke out in fresh new tears and I was ready to cry now too.
I did yell for a minute...but apologized right away.   I think that Catie may be having some growing pains and not the kind that she can feel physically.
This is going to be hard on both of us.  I have no idea how my dad did this...God Bless HIM!!!

grouchy girl

Catie and I went on a wonderful trip with her girl scout troop this last week.  I had such a great time and really connected with in a way we really needed to.  We clashed several times over the weekend though.  I am having such a hard time getting her to understand that the business of being nice even with her friends.  She seems to think that when she is with her fiends or out somewhere special she should get a free pass on social skills....guess I still have more work to do.   Thing got way worse when we got home and she was able to be comfortable ....she broke down to grouch and was simple a not nice girl....

dazed and confused

This new medicine has me kinda out of it.  Not really with it and really pissed off at times.  I am not even remotely an unintelligent person but this medication is making it hard for me to complete thoughts and make sentences and that is just baffling to me...
Just sitting here...trying to write my blog I am stumbling and searching for the words I want to use.  I am so angry that I don't have any control over this and don't know when or if it's going to get any better.  If the kids are making noise forget it...I'm never going to get out what I want to say...or do.

Caution: this post is not for the faint of heart

Now that I am public there are times I wish I wasn't!   I want to gripe and bitch and scream!   I am a mom and a wife and a daughter and I am dang tired sometimes of bring all three....usually not at the same time.  It isn't even related to being those things....I am just tired.  So tired.  I feel betrayed, by my body mostly, sometimes by my mind.     I am so pissed that between the insurance company, doctor's office and the pharmacy I still don't have a prescription for the medication I need.   
Life feels so good right now...but these stupid headaches are jacking me up...i want to cry.  I am in pain 30% of every day.  Some days it's more like 80%.  IT is so hard to enjoy the great things going on in my life with that much pain.....
WE have some many wonderful things to be thankful for...and I am very thankful for them.
How do people live for years and years with chronic pain?????   I don't know how to do this??????


On a brighter note my son has taken a sudden interest in drawing.....LOVE IT!
and he's leaving all the pages in the notebook instead of ripping them out and spreading them all over the house....

of two minds

I am super excited we got our home-study date today.  We are one step closer to being foster parents and yet I feel like I am reeling too....it seems like its so far away...but it's so not...it's only right around the corner.  Just a few weeks away...literally a few weeks away we begin the home-study and we will be that much closer.  I can't believe this....I can't believe this!  A year ago...I never would have believed that we would be foster parents.   And now I still am a little in disbelief but I almost can imagine not doing it.   I feel a sense of relief when I tell people about what we are doing...it's almost as if God is using me as a way to get word out.  That this is constant need...that it's something that most people are unaware of.


On the other hand I am super mad at my uncle who just can't keep his mouth out of anything ...he doesn't need to comment on the politics of Illinois anymore than I need to comment on the politics of Maine or  North Dakota.    So I am stepping off of Facebook for the rest of the day before I start a family feud or something...too bad though...I would like to announce my exciting news...guess it will have to wait till tomorrow.

politics on Super Tuesday

I hate to talk politic with anyone...I hate to share my views...I hate to state that I am not liberal...I hate to state that I am not conservative.  Mostly I hate having other people try and shove their political view down my throat!
I am very disappointed in the comments from a man who has no business making comments about a woman's choice to use birth control.   I very disappointed in the conversations taking place on-line and in person about a subject that has little to do with morals and more to do with population control and personal responsibility.   It is my firm belief that the only time birth control should be discussed by a man is when he is making sure his partner has what she wants.  End of discussion.
  Beyond that it's none of his business....should it be free...no I don't think it should be free, but it should be affordable and there are MANY forms of birth control.   Find one that works...if you can't it shouldn't be up to the government to tell you, that you can' t be sterilized either.    Gentlemen get your a** out of the conversation you have no business in it.

bracelet

Last weekend I went to the conference for foster parent and adoptive parents and people interested in both...while I was there I had a chance to visit many booth dedicated to educating people about children in the system here and abroad.  One booth had bracelets with names and ages of local children who need forever families.  I have looked at these children time after time and know that we can not help them because of our circumstances.  The idea behind the bracelets was you take one and pray that they will find their forever family.  So I took one of each...there were four...that was one for each of us.  I gave one to Nathan, Catie, and one to Alex.  Alex promptly gave his back he didn't understand and didn't want to loose it.  Catie is still wearing hers...she's such a good girl...I don't know if she praying for the little boys or not, but she sure does support the idea.  Nathan and I had to trade his was too small...but he keeps wearing it too. 
I only take mine off at night so I don't break it, but it reminds to pray for the child who needs a home now...the children we will be helping and the child we will one day make our own.  I hope until that day that child is safe...because until the day that the child come home to me...I can't be sure and that make me sad...

So if you see me with a rubber bracelet....feel free to ask my child's name...age and you can pray that child finds a forever home too.   You can also be praying for my baby out there that God is keeping him or her safe too.

the fade to grey

Recently some ladies I love were talking about how our society is allowing little things to slip in under the radar...little things that aren't so bad...really there not...are they?  OMG?  LMAO? Too short short on little girls ugly words on tv, radio, and kid's mouths.   Just little things.
  Not for me..not for my friends...well some of them...I cringe when I read facebook sometimes.  I type and delete messages all the time on facebook...I feel like calling people out on their poor parenting choices.  I know I can't tell people how to parent their children, but I have walked away from friendship because I knew that the parenting styles of other parents were so destructive they were taking me so far from the right road that I needed to cut ties.  It was so hard...and today it is very hard to see those profiles come up every now and then as people I might know in the recommendation.....yeah I might know her...but for my kid's sake I don't any more.  Some times I wonder and feel sorry...did I do the Christian thing...she always knew what I was about and never once made any attempt to find out, but was always trying to lead me astray.
 Today I try be the best parent I can...I screw up everyday...I admit that over and over....I am not proud of the crap I get my self into...but at least I am willing to go to God and ask for help and forgiveness.    I hope my children see my example and see that I am working on being the best mommy I can be and keeping on the straight and narrow and trying to stay away from the grey as much as possible...because every time we let a little slip up in and ok it...we let a little sin in. 

 don't let a little sin in...

quiet and dark

as I sit alone in the living room waiting for Nathan to bring Alex home from school...I have a few minutes to examine the feelings that I am having and have been having for the last few days.  One thing I notice...is I don't have an over whelming sense that God is telling us to stop the foster care process.   two I feel like the whole migraine issue will work it's self out with or without doctor assistance in the next few months as if whatever is in my life that is causing undue stress will just be gone.  and then we will be moving on...I don't know in what way...but some big change is going to take place and we will be done with something and moving on...don't know how...don't know where...don't even know if it will be a physical move...might not be.  We will see...but for now...I AM AT PEACE....FINALLY

diagnosis

I finally have a diagnosis from the doctor...Migraine with aura disorder. 

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/migraine-headache/DS00120
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/migraine-with-aura/DS00908

to have answers is wonderful.  Thank you GOD!

Now I just hope the insurance will come up with the right answers on medication.

keep on prayin

My concerns are so small compared to the other stories I've heard this week.  Mr Miles is not doing well.  He is not being taken care of and his health is failing.   On Tuesday he got worst instead of better and it didn't seem like the hospital was taking care of him.  I also had a friend email a pray request around from a family the Schuhmachers that has some major medical problems.  Cancer...and type 1 and no good prognosis.  I pray that these people can be healed. 
My husband was quick to tell me that my own medical problems are not trivial though and I should pray for some relief too...I don't remember praying for myself.  I guess I should be. 

So I will be praying for Charles, The Schuhmachers and myself.    God is big enough...

is this really meant to be

The closer we get to the date we start the classes for foster care the more intense my migraines are.  The closer we get to having another child the more frequent my headaches are.  Each day a question are we doing the right thing.  Is God giving us a sign that we just aren't reading???  It might be pretty clear to some people...my husband says I'm jumping to conclusions.   I need pray about it.  Of course he's right I do need to pray about it...but what if the answer is right in front of us right now, and we are just avoiding it because we want something else.  Wouldn't that be pretty selfish of us.   I can't see taking care of another child right now with the way I am feeling....I can barely take care of the ones we have....it's a challenge some days to get them both fed and into bed.   So I guess I will keep up with the treatments for migraines and pray.

these darn headaches

I've had migraine headaches since I was five years old.  They come and go.  They frequent my life during times of change and crisis and extreme weather.   I've seen a neurologist before...after having a 7 day migraine that put me in the hospital and almost subjected me to a spinal tap.  I was not excited about this last visit I have to admit.  I have been living with a guy for over 14 year who only kinda understands what I'm  going though...I am kinda resentful that he doesn't fully understand...and I think he is kinda resentful that I keep getting "sick"  with this illness that he can't see. 
It's so hard to describe to someone who has never had a headache of this severity how BAD it really is...that I hate to use the word headache...I hate to say my head hurts for fear he's going to make that face I know he's going to make. 
Even worst...it's happening so often these days half the time I don't say anything I just deal with it, because I don't feel like he really understand what it's really like...the words he says tell me that he doesn't understand...or at least he doesn't know how to communicate what he understands.  I am getting tired...tired of the pain...tired of the doctors...tired of the tears...tired of feeling checked out.
 
I want my life back and I want it back now...I don't understand what triggered this lapse in my migraines....I went for many years without having weekly migraines...they are becoming daily.  

I just want some relief....I am praying that the new medications that the doctor has prescribed will be helpful and not make me feel vacant... I am also praying that my insurance will pay for them...my insurance sucks...I am thankful for insurance though...because without it we would not have been able to afford the tests and doctor appointment last week...so there are some blessings.  

message

Some messages are meant to be heard and some are meant to be absorbed....today I feel like I absorbed the message.   The message just flowed so smoothly that it felt like the pastor had been preaching for years and years.  I never heard a pause never heard a hesitation...not even for a second.    The message that was so important...that I needed to absorb....practice faith.   that's it...practice faith  

Don't give up...keep after it and never stop believing...

With God's Grace I can...

The message from yesterdays conference was the same...OMGosh   I just realized that!!!!

With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...
With God's Grace I can...

grateful

I am working on being grateful this lent...not whining about the things I can have or don't have but being truly thankful for what I have.  I want to make sure that I don't just blather on and on about the things I am grateful for everyday.  I thank God for those things everyday.  I want to be thanking God for the things I don't usually think about.   I am going to start with my shoes.  I have more than one pair of shoes and I am very blessed.  I don't always feel blessed when I'm standing in front of my closet trying to decide which pair of shoes to wear.  I also have a pair of shoes....that puts me way ahead of most of the third world countries.   So today I am grateful for my shoes.

guilty

Is it because I am a mom...that I feel guilty so often about things I have said?  Or is it because I say so many things that I shouldn't say?
I walk around thinking I should apologize to Catie for this...or my friend for that...or Nathan for something else.   Then I wonder...if I apologize...would these people even know what I'm talking about?  Would the things I think I "need" to apologize  for be things that most people not even be offend by?
I spend way too much time analyzing this mess I'm imagine for myself...so if you are offended by me...please excuse my social disgrace.   I am not graceful in and way shape or form.

Thank God for his Graces...that's the only thing getting me though.

Ask me!!! Please!

I am dying to share what's going on in our foster care process....it may not be much from the last time we talked, but ask just the same.  I am excited and scared.  I would have told you last week.  That we finished with the many copies we have to make for the agency.  This week we had to sit down and talk with Catie about what she was expecting.  We found a note hidden deep in her school book saying she was scared.  I'm scared too...but soooooo very excited....so please ask.  I love to talk about what God is doing in our lives.
This weekend I am going to a conference in Carlock for parents of adopted children and foster children...I am so looking forward to it.

frustrating, scary and upsetting

I could just scream at my husband, but it wouldn't do any good.  I have this internal...not so deep struggle everyday with mortality and he goes and makes statements like "You would be just fine without me"  as in if he died.   I don't want to hear that it's almost like he's preparing me for something!  I worry everyday about how the kids would be if something happen to me...but until now it really has never occurred to me that something could happen to him and it could be me having to deal and the kids having to deal with the loss of a parent...just a different parent.  It's a valid concern...sure, just one I didn't consider....I was going to die first....not him.   CRAP!!!!

So now I have something new to worry about.  Thankfully he has been taking better care of his-self over the last few months.  It still concerns me when he chooses to have the extra pancake at breakfast instead of waiting.  I don't really have any control over what he does and it drives me crazy...but I'm not his momma and even if I was he never listened to her anyway.

I can pray for him and for peace.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

I just love that I have for six months at least I have been telling people and putting it on facebook that I am going to have my birthday party back home the last week of April and one of my cousins plans a house warming party for the same night.   REALLY???  Has to be that night???  Gonna invite all our family to another part of town to celebrate your new place on the same night as my birthday party...that I have to travel 482 miles to get to!!!!  REALLY???

OK so my husband has not sent out the formal invite yet!  That's his bad....Guess my party is being moved to Friday night.  I sure I'm invited to this housewarming party or I'm really gonna be pissed!

Rant done...sorry

visits

I love when my parent come for a visit...I wish it was more often.  I hate that they live so far away.  It is so stinking hard living so far away far away from home.  It would be so nice to have mom and dad near by.  I am so happy to just have them here for a few days though...it is so nice.  They came out for Catie's basketball game.  She is so excited she can hardly wait!  I wish my momma was here to see her...she would be so proud!  I miss my mom and it sucks some times.  I wish she could visit...

not feeling the love today

to be honest Valentines' day holds little appeal for me.  In all the years Nathan and I have been together we have maybe celebrated one together.  It seems to be  a day for other couples to celebrate their love for one another.  Just like Mother's Day...other mothers get celebrated...do I feel left out??? You betcha!  Can Nathan do anything about this???  Fat chance of that....so all the flowers and hearts and crap on Facebook today make me really want to throw up!!!!    Nathan does his best to make up the differences...he will be home for his afternoon break...I will rush off for Catie's school party.  When I get home we will quickly exchange gifts and he will run back to work to set up the romantic evening for everyone else!   
He did make me a beautiful carrot cake yesterday for Valentines' Day...It is yummy!  I guess that makes me feel a little better...

I miss my friend

I wrote something several months ago on here when I was hurt and angry.  At that time it was still more like a journal and very private.  This was originally started as a way for me to work things out in safe civilized environment. When I went public I should have removed that post.  I didn't because I figured my life isn't always hearts and flowers.  There are days that are raw and pain-filled and not pretty.  The problem is I haven't seen her since she found the post and contacted me about it.  I am sad...I truly miss her!  I don't know how to repair our friendship, makes me wonder if we even had a good friendship?  What can I do to make this right?  Should I call her or just leave it alone...is this even about me or has she just not been around because she's not been around????

to tell or not to tell???

So silly...I haven't said anything to our pastor yet about us going though the foster care process.  It's a journey and I'm not sure I'm ready to talk to our pastors about it yet.  My husband has other feelings about it.  He feels like our pastor is a pillar in our spiritual life and we should involve them in our life in such an important new process of our life.  It kinda feels too early too me.  Like it's before the pregnancy has began...like we are still trying to conceive.  Maybe I am looking at this all wrong and maybe he had this right from the start.  Maybe we do need to talk to our pastor/s and have them in this process with us.  This is definitely a spirit led process for us.  I need to give this some more thought and prayers and consider why I am withholding information...

foods and migraines

I have noticed a pattern lately that when I have a headache it is usually after I have eaten.    So I mentioned this at a meeting I was at and someone mentioned it might be a gluten allergy.  This is the second time I have heard this in the last few weeks and as much as I don't want to hear it,  it is something I have to consider.  So I decided I better start keeping track of what I'm eating and what happens when I eat it.  Well....I can't keep track of what I'm eating....I don't know why...but I have been able to write down what I have been eating right before I get a headache for several days.   So I did sit down today and look up links between food and migraines,    the closest thing I can figure right now is aged cheese...so I am going to cut out processed cheese for a few days and see how I feel.

God lights the way

Just love how God light's the way...when I am searching for what I need.  God puts the answers right in front of me.  This evening I was driving the kids to the church for family movie might.  Usually the kids would be loud and the radio would be low and I wouldn't be paying much attention.  This evening it was snowing gently so I made the kids promise to be quiet and I had the radio up a little to help them remember to be quiet.   One of the commercials was for local conference for adoptive parents and foster parents.  I have been searching desperately for just that sort of thing.  I attend Hearts at Home every year and as of yet I haven't seen any good information for fostering.   The only other foster conference I have seen was in Dallas and that was not an option as we don't live anywhere near Texas.  So I came home...Not only is the conference near by, it's on a week Nate will be available to be with our kids.  AND it's FREE!   

stupid birthday :(

So here I am...
My birthday is about 2 months away and I keep having this compulsion to have a illness and death plan in place should the inevitable happen.  this is how screwed up I am....I know I am not going to die before my birthday....well at least I am pretty certain.  Only God knows for sure.  But here I am this morning waking up and just as sure as the sun I feel like I need to have a plan in place for a disease I don't have and if that isn't crazy enough.  I go a step farther and have a plan for my kids after my death....I need to get some more sleep I think.

Clearly all the personal work and self exploration is not helped me as much as I thought it had.  I can do so much better than this.  I want to be planning my birthday party and not just this one...I want to plan my 50th and 75th and maybe even 100th.

so busy

We have been so busy this week...life has been in one door out the other...and only stopping to say "I love you" and exchange kisses every now and then.  I don't really feel neglected...I am part of this equation and equally running out a door.  It's just been so stinking busy.  Yesterday was Nathan's day off and it really didn't feel like a day off I'm sure, but we sure did get a lot done... I am still working on the projects we started yesterday.   I am almost done though.  Silly me though while in the midst of all the running I asked if we could paint the walls....so Nathan called the landlord...guess what...we sure can!  They will even pay for the paint....we just have to do the painting.

I am feeling the need for a yoga class or five...I guess I better get off here so I can finish the project that gets me a tv in the basement so I can do yoga in peace and quite in the privacy of my own home!


I still need to plan bible study for tomorrow so I better get a move on! :)

finger printed and back ground checked

I have never been so excited to have my fingers printed.   It was a wonderful day.  Nathan and I went to the Bone Center in ISU in Normal to get our finger prints taken and backgrounds checked.  It was so interesting...they don't use ink anymore.  It's all done digitally now...it was so cool to watch.  We are also one more big step closer to our bigger family!!!!  YEAH! 

Nathan also took me to Einstein Bros to get a cup of coffee~  yummmy!

babies

adoptuskids.org
I want to bring home a child so bad and I know that for us the most likely way for us to adopt is foster...but it just feels like it's going to take forever!  One thing I am very aware of is I am not long on patience.  I have been looking at the photo listings on adopt us kids...there are so many children that need good homes.  I wonder if there is a way to adopt one of these waiting children.   They need a home and we would love another child.   We will be waiting...until then...I will be praying and watching.

credit...a tricky thing

Isn't credit a tricky thing???  We lost that stupid house in Leavenworth screwing up Nathan's credit...yeah...it sucks!   My credit is still in good health but unless I get a job my credit isn't considered for a loan.  Nathan has a credit card and we use it to make purchases.  It is in pretty good health, but here's the question.   Do we use it regularly to make small purchases, and pay them off to stabilize his credit?  Or do we leave it alone and not use it to show that he is capable of keeping a balance at zero?  Of course there is always the question...if we do use it, do we pay it off before we receive a statement or after.     When I was working and had my own credit cards and didn't have Nathan if I charged something as soon as I got paid I went and paid off the card and as soon as I went to get my first car loan...I got a really great rate.    SO I think that it makes sense that I know what I am doing with our credit...we will keep working on it...and hopeful in a year or so we will be in a position to be able to change the car we drive and maybe in a few years consider a new house...without me having to go out and get a new job.   WE will see...

paperwork.....grrrrrrrrrr

Ok....so I'm gonna bitch just a little...I am so tired of the paperwork...I have been working on the paperwork for a couple of weeks every couple of days for an hour at a time.  I need to gather papers and more paperwork comes in the mail...we have to go get finger printing done....more paperwork....grrrrr.  We have to go get physicals...more paperwork...not us this time...the doctor...at least that's good.  I am just getting tired of writing...of course I probably wouldn't have a problem if I didn't have to rewrite Catie's order form for girl scout cookies over the last 24 hours. I need to make tons of copies too...both of the kids school physicals...and marriage license, car insurance, dog tags, and some other forms....just so much stuff!!!!  

On the top side....WE will have a child in our house when all of this is said and done.    My currant prayer is for that child that God is keeping them safe...until we can love them. 

all ok, but

Got my results when I went in to the doctor's today for another migraine.  Everything is ok...my scans are clear.  So why don't I feel ok?  Why does my head still hurt.  Why are my headaches getting worst...not better?
damn it!!!!  I just want to feel better...life is so much easier on everyone when I don't have a headache!

Nathan my wonderful, loving supportive husband took the rest of today off to take care of the kids and me...I know he didn't sleep worth a darn last night because of my headache...he ended up on the couch because he was snoring too loud...I feel like an awful wife.

This needs to get figured out soon...I cannot keep going on like this...I like having my husband in bed with me.

waiting

I am busy waiting for the test results now.  The test it's self went ok...I was a little nauseous and the test took a little longer than I expected but I did manage to finish.  I think the worst part of medical tests is waiting...
To make matters worst...we forgot Catie's basketball practice last night.  I was so wiped out and Nathan was too I'm sure.  We just completely forgot.  Now she's a week behind on the practice and she really needed it.  I feel like an awful mom when I forget things like that.  It's not like I wanted to forget but it just completely got past us.  I'm afraid that this was a really important practice too...they were suppose to learn about steals and defending against it.

Alex also had a medical exam yesterday...he is the first of us to get one for the foster care process.  It was really challenging.  He is getting strong and really fought us on the immunizations.  He got two...then he had to have blood drawn...that was almost easier...he at least calmed down for that.

Again one of those moments I hate and feel like a horrible mother. I had to help hold him down to get the shots...not fun!

the test

This is so not what I want to be doing right now.  I had the worst night's sleep I've ever had and feel like dog crap.  That's somewhere between I'm gonna throw-up and freak out.  Not feeling very good about either of those possible outcomes so I'm gonna try and get it together.  The doctor prescribed an anti anxiety medication.  I'm sure that will help out with the freak out and maybe these shaky hands, but I'm a little scared to take it because of the need to throw-up.  The kids are still asleep I think the plan is to just take them with us in their jammies so not to disturb their sleep so much.  Nathan will take care of all of that.  He's my rock and will make sure everything is ok for me....even though I can hear him throwing-up right now.  Poor guy has a very sensitive tummy.  He'll be ok soon and we will be rolling out of here...and this test will only take a little while and it will be all over and I will look back and wonder....Why was I so freaked out?

scared

I have to admit that I am a little scared.  I have MRI scheduled for 5:30 in the morning and it's got me a little freaked out.  I have been putting this off for a very long time it seems.  I guess I had a CAT scan sometime in the last few years.  So I shouldn't have anything really to worry about.  This must just be that mortality thing creeping again.   I don't think I'm afraid of dying...I'm not running out to do it by any means.  I know that God is going to be with me though and on the other side.  I am scared of what will happen to my children.  I want them to have the advantage of having mom around for their graduation, marriage, eventual children....I'm looking forward to those things.    This is not how I pictured this year going....something has to give and it's going to have to happen soon. 

Maybe I will quit talking about  acupuncture and go do something about it.

She's So Beautiful

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vh7-RSPuAA&feature=fvwrel

I have a link to a you tube song above...it's for Mercy Me, Beautiful.  When Nathan and I were at the concert last year the lead singer said he wrote the song for his young daughter to help combat some of the harsh words she hears in the media and from negative girls around.  This week my little girl told me that some of the girls in her class have been teasing her.  My first thought was to go and straighten these girls out, but she is so young and it a good time to teach her about loving herself.  I sat down with her and had a good cry with her and shared my own problems growing up.  She seemed to understand that no escapes the other children being not nice.   We then talked about how it's not really about her but how that person isn't feeling good about themselves right at that moment.   I hope that some of it soaked in...she's so young, and I remember so well how much it hurts. 

She seemed be better the next day and we talked again about how she can feel good about herself.  She is so smart, funny, and beautiful.  I don't just day those things because I am mom...REALLY!!!

It's so hard to deal with these issues, when even at 34 I am feeling some of the same self doubt and concerns.  I pray that she sees the days when I feel strong and secure and overlooks the days when I don't! 

how did I get this Job?

In life you don't get a job recommendation list...I wish you did.  When I was young I wanted to be a singer...then when I was leaving junior high I wanted to be a lawyer.  As I went though high school I waffled around about the path I wanted to take.  Most days it was art or music.  Some days it was accounting...silly me...you have to like sitting at a desk.  When I went on to college...I never declared a major...never made up my mind.  That should have been an indicator that I was missing something.  I took whatever class suited me...lots of art.  Tons of history.  Some math, English, and I took one accounting class.   I was never certain where my life was headed.  Then on Oct 21 1996 I was driving home from school during a freak snow storm.  I got all the way to the driveway of the house when a lady not paying attention didn't break and rear ended me traveling 35 mph...which doesn't seem very fast.  However when your car is standing still it's very fast.  it crumpled the rear end of my car...and did major damage to my back and neck.  I spent weeks in physical therapy so I could lift my head again.  I spent months going to the chiropractor and to this day my neck still is not right. 
After that accident I left college and started working full time at a factory making lottery tickets...don't laugh. At the time it was good money.  It was a night job and that suit me just fine too.  I met my very best friend on the whole planet there and to this day she is my soul mate.  She married my brother a few years after we met.  I love her to pieces.  In those late nights I began to play around on the computer and one night after work I got on AOL to check my Stars.  Astrology is a funny thing.  I think it is what you make of it and many times very self fulfilling.  Anyway.  At the time AOL had this service called profiles...very similar to Facebook.  Well I was on and Nathan was searching for someone to talk to and he found my profile and he contacted me with the worst pick up line on the planet..."Let me introduce myself as the man of your dreams"  I have to say it got a chuckle and a whatever.  To his credit he came right back with an apology and we talked for 4 hours that night.  Two weeks later we went out on our first date.  To make things even crazier...it was my brother's graduation party and I HAD to go.  So being the good sport that he is.  Nathan tagged along and met my WHOLE crazy family.   We did everything together from that moment on, and in a few short months I knew that I wanted to spent the rest of my life with him and have lots of babies with him...even though I have never...ever concidered having children before that moment.  I didn't think I ever would infact because of my mom's diagnosis...because when she died I was told to have my whole family complete by 25....I didn't even think that was possible.   But here we are almost 15 years later...2 biological children and planning on adding at least one adopted child to our family.    So that's how I got this crazy job!

Maybe someday I will have one of those fancy outside of the home jobs, but for now.  This is what my family needs and we are very happy!

yesterday...and all the yesterdays

The meeting went really well...more on that another day.  I have another topic I've been meaning to get to and been hiding from.  While I was driving Alex to school yesterday I was examining my life...as I do on many short pointless drives.  What does this all mean...who am I, what is my goal?  That sort of thing...and while I was sitting there the questions and self doubt pop into my head.  What do my parents think of my decision to be a stay at home mom...I only have 2 children...surely I could put them in daycare and go pursue a career of some sort.  It's not like I have 5 or 6 and they take up all the time in the day....but wait...they do...and I feel called to be at home with my children.  Making sure they are getting what they need.  I mean I'm not a lawyer or a banker or a writer....but was in reality was I going to do any of those things anyway?    Do I somehow feel like a disappointment to them...even though I might not have had a very exciting job anyway...I likely would have worked in retail..or art.  Those aren't super high power jobs and might even be considered disappointing to some parents...so I don't know if I would have ever lived up to the dreams they have for me.

On the other hand...my parents have been mostly supportive of my life decisions. They don't make me feel like a disappointment...so maybe I am just disappointed that I didn't do more....but I feel like I have a VERY important job right now.  Someday I will get the chance to start over...I'm just going to be more mature and I guess more prepared for the real world because I have been living in it for so long already.

Diet Coke and Beef Jerky

It's 10:30ish and I am siting down for a second to eat and take a drink....basic building blocks right?  Yes I am truly eating beef jerky for breakfast...don't judge!  I am hot, tired and sweaty...who needs a gym membership.   Oh yeah...I DO!  I'll be going to get that later today...but that's another blog.  Right now I am all sweaty and tired and underfed from cleaning the house.  No my house isn't a pit or anything...if anything I keep my house cleaner than the average...I am just picky.  Today is however the day that we meet Tammy from the agency and she will decide if our house can even be licensable...not sure that's a word but oh well.  I have to be kinda crazy right for being so paranoid...I'm sure she's not going to look to make sure we don't mix our sock and underwear up.  But here I am cleaning out closets...looking under beds...went though Catie's whole dresser...it was a PIT!  I guess cleaning is my way of dealing with the stress of not knowing what's going to happen.  I hate...not knowing what's going to happen. 

meeting

I am out of town so close to the meeting date that I am a little nervous.  It seems like something is going to go wrong and we aren't going to make it back in time.  I am very excited to have this meeting...we will be setting up our class schedule and also setting a plan in how we want to accomplish this in a timely manner.  Nathan and I if anything are not slowpokes about anything...we get right on the ball and get something done if that's what we decide to do.   This whole process is slow and drawn out on purpose...I believe it is to keep people who are not really in it for the right reason out, but it sure does seem like it might keep some who are in it for the right reason out.  

While on vacation we remembered that Nathan's cousin was for many years in the state of Illinois foster care social worker.  We will be making a phone call to her when we get back home...to see if there is anything she thinks we need to do.  We also have a good friend who did counseling for foster care.  I know having her as a friend will be very useful.  She is also a very wonderful person to have in our lives. 

Read today's post from the bottom up...

Depression is such a rotten problem...it's usually a lifelong problem.   This book tells such an important story...I will be buying a copy of this book for the church library...some of our youth could use it...for various reasons. 

book second part

there is so much more to this book than the cover portrays...I assumed mom died from cancer.  That must be because my mom died from cancer.  This book is so worth the read...it's a teen book or youth book...but well written and I think Catie could read it in a year or two...not just yet. 

Slant...a book with hidden tears

Wow...is all I can say.  I started reading this book for UMW reading program, I figured it would be a quick read...possible teach me something about international adoption.
I didn't expect it to be about a girl who lost her mother to cancer and what it's like being a teenager, not having a mother and having dad start dating again.  Talk about touching on some tough still tender issues.  Good grief...it's been 20 years, but this book has touched a cord....

To be continued.......

January 25th

That's the day we have set to meet with the agency for foster care.  One week away...seems like an eternity.  I know that time will fly by and we will be sitting here having a conversation about the things that need to improve, the things we are doing right, the classes we need to take and the people we need to talk to.  Today it just seems so far away and I am doubting myself every step of the way.  Thankfully my kids and husband are so supportive and are so positive.  Until then I have a ton of things to keep me busy...including Catie Alex and Nathan and ALL of the stuff they need done...NOW.
Gotta Run!

therapy

I think it's very important to find a cheap or free way to achieve therapy.  When we moved to Bloomington three years ago, it became a necessity for me.  I had never felt so alone as when we moved here.  We didn't know anyone yet and I was really unsure that this had been a good decision for us to move here.  I thought that if I found something to keep me busy it might just help me over that loneliness. (not get over it but move though it)  I knew it was time to do something when I got up one morning maybe two or three weeks after we moved here and put up Alex's curtains in his bed room in hopes of him going back to bed longer.   The very next day I got up and we went to the public library and I checked out a couple of books on crocheting.  My grandmother had taught me to crochet just a little when I was Catie's age.   I picked up a skein of yarn and made a giant mess...but I was hooked...lol.  I had to check out the children's books...I found very quickly that the adult books expected me to know a few things...I didn't know anything.

Anyway, it's been three years and I still crochet when I need to think something out.  I also do it for fun now...but what once was just a form of therapy for me, is now a passion and something I really enjoy.  It gives me an outlet I need.

anxiety

Half way considering having a grown-up birthday party here at the house to celebrate my 35th birthday in April...but the low self esteem part of me is VERY scared no one would come.  Talk about low self esteem I am sitting here wondering to computer if I have any friends who would come over share a bottle of wine or three with me and listen to some good music and have fun talking...lame.   I guess I never really got over high school not feeling like I really fit in.
We've been here for three years...and some days I feel like we could live here for the rest of our lives and it would be the best thing for our family...and some days I feel so alone. 
Anyway I've said all year 35 is a big year for me...I'm going to have a great time...I'm going to have a party and have fun and even if nobody shows up I'm going to know I am happy and life is good!

botox...

Just saw a ad for Botox as a treatment for migraines...crazy!  It's even crazier that I am in enough pain regularly that I am considering talking to my doctor about it...Just might be the craziest thing I have considered this week.

courageous...

God help us!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkM-gDcmJeM

down one day, up the next...the roller coster

Yesterday was crap!  I am so glad to be done with that.  Sometimes I wonder if the planetary alignment isn't screwed up for me.  After visiting the doctor yesterday and getting two shots...I feel much better.  She thinks the sudden shift in the weather is to blame for my horrible migraine this time....but I wonder if I wasn't subconsciously stressing over mom's birthday.   After all I didn't even know the date till 2:30 or so yesterday...I was so out of it.  Didn't really care what the date was.  But as soon as I knew I couldn't help but wonder if my body wasn't putting me into that weird headache depressed funk/ or my mind putting my body there...so twisted I know. 
Anyway today is a whole new day and I love that I get to start over fresh and be bright and happy today!  I feel much better...even if I do have that dreaded after migraine hangover...it's kinda like being run over by a bus.  The snow is pretty and the air is crisp and Alex is bring quiet...well maybe I should go check on him...he's probably into something bad!
I am learning how to deal with these yucky days and I pray they get fewer and further between.  It really is a little like being depressed and I don't like it one bit! 

Foster care

I think we found the agency we are going to use.  We will have to wait and see.  Right now...it really feels like a good fit.  It was a very good positive conversation and I think that it's the direction we want to go rather than going with the public agency.  I will still have to talk to the man from dcfs and see how I feel about them, but the idea of a more personal experience makes more sense to me and makes me feel more comfortable with the idea of foster care in general.  It seemed like the agency was going to be more helpful in the process all together than dcfs.  We will see.

Migraines

These stupid headaches...they seem to take over so much of my life when I have one.  I have so much trouble functioning when I have a headache.  It's like someone has taken my head and replaced it with a bowling ball that has a tic.  It's awful and kind of depressing...so I guess I can understand why Nathan asked if I'm getting depressed again.  This headache has had me in my room when the kids aren't home the entire time under a blanket with the lights out the shades drawn and the tv and phones off.  It's kinda how I feel when I'm depressed...accept when I'm depressed it doesn't go away in 5 hours to 3days.  It was so good for a couple of weeks.  I only had one mild headache and then they started all over again.  I'm thinking about getting my eyes examined again to see if my prescription has changed again.  This is just ridiculous!   I don't know how people live with constant migraines...

On  the bright side the two shots the doctor gave me today have taken the edge off the one I have right now...

I need to make a few phone calls regarding the foster care today and would like to be coherent.  I don't think that me not making any sense will be very well received.  Nathan and I sat down and looked at when we will be able to take the pride classes for learning how to foster parents. 

WE have received such positive feedback for being foster parents...it makes my heart swell.  I am so excited.  This is still scary but I am really feeling like this is going to be a great big adventure for us.  Nathan is so into the idea he is making it so easy to be excited!    Everyday it feel more and more right! 

depressed

Nathan just asked if I was getting a little depressed.  hmmmmmmmm...I don't think so.  I feel pretty good.  Accept for these darn headaches.  I did make the comment that I'm glad it's going to snow tomorrow cause it'll be gloomy, but in my defense it's been so sunny that my head has been hurting for days. I'm going to to try acupuncture I think to see if that has any impact on these darn headaches.  So far Dr Gu has gotten a resounding referral around town.  I think he is the only one in town that does it though.  So I'm gonna keep thinking about it...when it feels right I will do it.

Ok so I think I'm ready to go PUBLIC!

Ok so I am going to go public with my blog...this time...on my own terms.  I have reread all my blog and not much is on there that I feel bad about...it's brutally honest and that's ok...maybe some people don't know the real me...but that's ok.  They will now.  If they want to...

if not no big deal..

life is busy...

I kinda hoped January would be slower pace with Nathan having a slower pace at work, but so far that is not the case.  We have been here there and everywhere....it's crazy!  Last night we had a quick girl scout meeting before we had basketball practice.  Tonight we have nothing, but tomorrow we have small group and Thursday I am meeting Claire in the morning to pick out yarn for hat for the baby.  Then I have small group again on Friday.  I may need to take some time off form one of my small groups while I am working on the home study/Pride classes.  I'm not sure I can do all this.  I am already kinda feeling overwhelmed...is this a good idea???   Without question!  I feel more called today then I did yesterday and more than the day before...I just need to pull back more from the responsibilities I have taken on.

message I needed to hear!

ok...so I have to say with true sincerity I was really feeling a great deal of hesitation about foster care...until yesterday.  Hearing the stories of children who so desperately need homes and families.  It was just the message I needed to hear.  It's amazing to me how God put these people in our lives that tell the story we need to hear.  I am so blessed to be in a place where I can hear these stories...now I pray we can be blessed with a child to love and a family that can be loving and love and love and love this child!
God Give me the strength...

I've been praying

It's a hard road, but one I think we are ready to get on board with.  I am still scared and still not in love with the idea of being a foster parent, but if that's what it takes to make my family whole I am willing.  Mostly I am just so darn scared...I'm sure this is a common fear.  The best thing I can keep doing is keep asking God for help though this adventure.  I am starting to believe that if we are meant to go down this road there must be a child we need to help...or several.  It will be good for all of us. 

It has been a positive thing for sure in my parenting for me.  I am making progress in my discipline and anger control...I think it has confused Alex a little.  He is acting a little rottener than usual because I am not as loud to start out with.  I will keep working and it will be good.

I will keep praying and it will be awesome!

challenge

My husband challenged me to examine what I won't do for my children.  The ones I have and the one I am waiting for...I don't know why I thought this was going to be easy.  I just kind of assumed it would just happen.  I need to be prepared to work hard for this child...really hard, cause this isn't going to be easy.  I am not in love with the idea of being a foster parent.  It just isn't the way I want to make my family, but perhaps it's the way God wants to make our family.    I am really scared!  Not just a little, but a lot.  I am terrified that I am going to have a child that we love and my family is completely in love with, and something is going to happen and all of a sudden our family is torn apart and crushed.  God help me.  I know what's right and I know what we are being directed to do, but I am scared.  I'm gonna keep praying and thinking about this, because Nathan's right.  I will do anything for my children...the ones I have and the one I want.

My resolution 2012

So comes the time of year that...I choose my new years resolution.   For 2012.  I am going to save as much money as possible...so we can put it toward our adoption.  I am also going to do as much as I possible can to improve my weight.  I will do my best to write everyday...on my blog.

lots to think about

We made the decision to adopt. We now need to choose an agency and move forward. Nathan and I will  be looking at The Baby Fold, DSF and maybe some other agencies.  We will have to take it slow and see how this goes.  For right now...we are making every effort to put as much money as possible into savings and save up for this adoption.  I know it's going to be costly.

Amanda is having a baby!

I am so excited and a little freaked out...Amanda is pregnant.  This is so cool...we just decided to make it official and proceed with our plan to adopt and I found out this morning that Amanda is going to be a mommy again...I am going to be an aunt again.  I am also going to talk to Michele about advertising my products for the purpose of raising money for our adoption...I will have to see what she thinks.

Adoption?

So Nathan and I have decided to adopt a child and look forward to making steps in that direction in January of 2012.  We are very excited to be doing this together and making it possible for a child to come into our home and be in a safe loving environment.  I am extremely excited about this and can't wait to find out how long this is going to take.  We have been wrestling with the idea for a little while and I think we are finally at that point.  It looks like it's going to be a long road, but one I am willing to wind if it's what God has in mind for us.  It's going to be a lot of work and likely a struggle.   At least Nathan and I are on the same page about this phase in our life...it's going to be an adventure.

was super pissed, but then I grew up a little...lol

Ok...so we sent out a really positive Christmas letter...we do every year...then one lady gripes on fb that it can't be real...well of course we didn't include the crap.   Like the insurance company turning down genetic testing until I have been diagnosed with cancer, and the migraines that wouldn't go away. Oh and lets not forget the migraines that caused me to not be able to have children any longer.  Oh and there was the little thing about our house not selling and it going back to the bank after 2 years of fighting with realtors, tenants and the bank.  Lets not forget Nathan's blood work got so bad he is now considered a full diabetic now...and if he doesn't get things under control he will be insulin dependent in a few years.  So yeah I'm a little pissed.


Ok so this was a little bit of a rant and not deserved.  I was fairly bent outta shape that day and not feeling so great.  

details...that's where it's at

Last night while at dinner...my daughter asked a question that prompted a discussion about my mom's finally days.  She asked why I didn't go further in girl scouts...it occurs to me that while mom was ill...everything was put on hold because I lived in various places.  I lived with one aunt then another.  I lived with my great aunt for a while and my grandpa and grandma as well.  It changed the way I lived my life for sure...I was not able to attend all the things I once loved.   My life was damaged so irreparably by my mom's illness and death...it's no wonder it has taken me so long to get things back in order...if the ever will be.

looking back

looking back over these posts...one thing I have tried to represest over and over again is that I need to try and see the bigger picture...
We lost the house in Leavenworth...I am effectively not going to have anymore children and we still struggle to get our spending under control.   Self control is so stinking hard...it's something I keep struggling with...in my person as well as my marriage and finances...



Nathan and I are not doing a great job of getting our finances in order this month...it looks pretty bad...I hope we can get it together for the next month.
I am going to hold strong to the tv not till after my birthday...we need to wait!

Self control!

Babies

It's been a little over two weeks since I started watching Miles...he's still a very sweet little guy.  He is very sensitive though.  Poor guy has tummy troubles like Alex and Catie had and it has taken years for them to get better...we literally just got Alex on milk last month.  Thankfully Alex is doing well with that.  He is still dealing with the fever spikes and it's so stressful to have a fever in him every couple of days.  It still concerns me quite a bit that he run a fever so often.  He never seems to be ill just a low grade fever.  Poor little guy.  Back to little Miles though.  He is having a rough time and I need to resist the urge to tell his mom what she should be doing...that is not my place.  I am just his sitter.  This is going to be really hard for me...but I can do it.  He such a sweet little guy.  I hope that long term this works out...I like his family.  They are really nice and really the kind of people I would hang out with.
Still not sure about how I feel about Nathan having read my blog...maybe I posted it to the public and just can't remember.  It's not that I don't trust him...it's really more that this is my private chat with myself...a journal. 

New baby

I have a new baby in my life....his name is Miles.  He's a sweet little four month old boy.  I am doing child care!!!!   Finally. 
Secondly I am not so sure I can be as candid as I once was...
Nathan just told  me he read my blog....I know I know it's out here for anyone to read and public and all but I didn't know he had seen it.  It's kinda like therapy for me and I don't care who reads it that doesn't know me,  but I say things that are private and thoughts that are personal.  so I don't know how I feel about this...we will see

missing him

Life is full of surprises...

Tomorrow morning Nathan is leaving for Springfield again to interview for another job near his parents...I m really excited for him and at the same time scared he might actually get the job.  I know he is an incredible chef. He has impressed me since the day we met with his talents in the kitchen.  I know he is more than qualified to be the executive chef of this club in Springfield but I have to admit I have some reservations.  I know he has what's best for our family in mind but it seems like he can't get us moved and closer to home soon enough.  I know that God is going to put us where we need to be as soon as we need to be there...I can't wait to get there myself,but at what cost to our children.  Catie would have to change schools again and the school I have set up for Alex is so right, right now.  I am feeling a great deal of calling to do this job in the UMW for next year,   but I hope making the commitment isn't going to make it that much harder for me to move. 
I'm gonna miss Nathan while he's gone....it drives me nuts having him not at home over night...I know I need to get over that but I miss him and do have some big issues.